How in the world would you handle this friend/girlfriend situation?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Okay, this is going to be long and boring. Just a warning.

As a preface, here’s two threads that may serve as a brief intro to my little situation. Long story short: one of my best friends told me she was in love with me, and ever since I’ve been chickening out when it comes to talking about it. Half because I’m a chicken and half because I get the feeling she doesn’t want to talk about it. The drunken/I love you incident happened about 6 months ago.

Well, after about a year of being single, I’ve decided I want to date again. And I want to date this girl who admitted she loved me while drunk. Every day I feel closer to her, and this whole “love” thing has got me by the balls, I think. I mean, I’ve known this girl like 15 years, and now when we hang out one-on-one, I feel… different than I have. My mouth gets dry, and I feel happier, and I just want to touch her pretty much all the time. Not in a sexual way, but when we’re at the movies or something, I love it when our arms touch on the armrest and she doesn’t immediately move it. Is that creepy?

Anyway, its entirely clear to me that I’m in love with her. Outside of a few drunken make-out sessions we never talk about while sober, nothing outside of a friendship has happened.

We joke around constantly about marrying each other, and we’ve both admitted that we’d be willing to marry each other tomorrow with no regrets. That’s encouraging to me and my possible future relationship with her, but there’s a few things that are holding me back.

The one that’s bothering me the most is a comment made by a mutual friend. Now, to be clear, I don’t talk about my crush on her to our mutual friends, and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t either. But anyway, friendly acquaintences tend to develop crushes on this girl pretty quickly, and she’s pretty much always getting weird stalker guys on her trail. This mutual friend and I were talking about this fact and wondering why it happened, and he said “Well, she has a habit of unintentionally leading guys on and flirting with them when she just thinks she’s trying to be nice.” Then he looked at me like maybe I was one of those guys in a weird way. But he had a very definite point, and one I couldn’t argue with. Ever since he’s said that to me, I’ve thought maybe I’m misreading signals, and that night she admitted her love to me could be chalked up to the beer, or even that she’s changed her mind or something since.

But the encouraging part to me is that I’m fairly sure she knows I have a crush on her, since while I’m not talking about it, I’m not trying overly hard to hide it. I sit as close to her as possible whenever I can, and make jokes about making out with her pretty frequently, and of course all the marriage talk. If she thought she was leading me on unintentionally, wouldn’t she be backing off to spare my feelings? Its quite the contrary… I see her nearly every day, mostly her stopping by my place or calling me to invite me somewhere. On days I don’t see her, she probably calls me 4 times, at work at home. Even on days we see each other, we probably ave 3 6 or 7 minute phone calls.

When we go out to carnivals or festivals, we’re always approached as if we’re a long time couple or something. Color me crazy, but I think it’s fairly easy to tell if people are brother/sister or “just friends” as opposed to a couple. The fact that so many people mistake us for a couple says something to me.

Anyway, so to end this hugely long post, I’m finally wanting to start dating again, nd she’s at the top of a very short list of potential girls who I’d like to date. I don’t think I’d be devastated if she shot me down, but I think it may make things a bit awkward for a little while.

How would you approach the subject? Would it be too forward/insensitive to say something like “Hey, I want to date girls again… Are you interested or should I find another girl?”

2

Ask her out. Make it very clear it is a DATE, not a friend-thing, and see what her reaction is. And do it quickly. The longer you agonize over this, the harder it could be if it doesn’t work out, and the more you’ll kick yourself for not doing it sooner if it does.

3

Let’s see…

A romantic relationship with some one who you could be best friends with also?

OH NO! THAT’S DOOMED TOO FAIL! :rolleyes: times infinity. :wally

Dude, what more could you possibly want?

Go for it!

4
  1. If a girl seems like she attracts a lot of guys by accidentally sending signals, then (unless she is a flirt), this is probably an issue that she has no idea what constitutes “a signal” and probably just doesn’t realise she shouldn’t be doing those things.
  2. Saying “I love you” is not a flirt-signal that might be unwittingly thrown out.
  3. That is to say, worrying about this trait of hers only has anything to do with you trying to put off asking her out.

Conclusion:
Just ask! :smack:

5

That sounds like the situation I was in with a very good friend. Right down to the drunk make out sessions and warnings of ‘she’s leading you on!’ (Not by friends, they knew me better then that. Just someone we knew.) The good news? We’ve been dating over 2 years and are engaged.

Ask her out, in person. And as featherlou said, make sure you’re clear that it is a date.

6

Oh, and good luck!

7

Yep - you gotta go for it. Have a talk with her, go out on a date, whatever, but you gotta tell her that you’d like something more. And if she tells you she only wants you for a friend (and she might), it’ll hurt, but at least you’re not wondering. You never regret telling someone how you feel about them.

I’m married to my best friend, and it’s the best thing in the world.

Good luck - we’re all pulling for you.

8

All this, and one more thing. You want to live your life so that the only things you have to regret are the opportunities you missed.

Go for it, it’s your happiness, do it.

We’re rooting here, keep us informed???

9

Dude, I’ve been there. We went out a lot, hung out, both told the other that we really liked the other. And there was much flirtation. But we decided that it wouldn’t work. She’s now getting married to one of my good friends, and I’m happily married with a beautiful wife and son. So it all works out for the best. But my advice would be to tread very carefully, especially if it was a drunken confession of love. And stop being a chicken, talk about it with each other. Talk seriously about it. It will make it so much easier. And good luck.

10

2+2=4 Seems simple enough. When she isn’t drunk does she enjoy your company… does she seem flirty ? From what you’ve said I think its a foregone conclusion that you should be dating.

As for “talking” … go straight to kissing… talk later. I think its awkward to make it “formal” by talking first. Let it occur naturally.

Are there any signs she might not want to date you ?

11

I’m kind of dumb. I’ve never had to ask a girl on a date… my relationships have always been things I kind of “fell into” without having to pursue. I think I’ve seen it happen in enough sitcoms that I could probably handle it, but how would I ask one of my best friends, with whom I do “date like” things anyway? Hell, just a few weeks ago we went to dinner and a movie, and I kept referring to it over and over as our “hot date”. I’ve been facetious and sarcastic enough that I’m not sure she’d “get it” when I’m being sincere.

And to the ladies… Have you ever had a guy friend approach you about the subject? Are you flattered? If you shot the dude down, do you find it was easy to get back into the “friend” routine, or was it weird? If I give it a shot and get a 2 letter response instead of a 3 letter response, can things ever go back to how they are now? And most importantly, if a guy friend wanted to talk about this, how would you want the subject to be approached?

12

Excellent question. But, as I mentioned, I’m kind of dumb. What should I be looking for that points to a “no”? I haven’t seen any blatant ones.

A week or 2 ago we were at my company picnic… a bit outing sponsored by the company. She was my date. a tactless 13-year-old daughter of one of my coworker’s blurted out “So what’s the deal? Are you going out?” I looked over at my “date” to field the question and just sort of laughed at the awkward silence. My date finally replied “Not really. We just fake it.”

How else could she answer, really? But still, it felt like she punched me in the chest. At the time she was holding a balloon engagement ring a clown had made for her and had just been asking me when she was to expect a real one. Talk about mixed signals. The result is I’m all sorts of confused.

13

She might be prodding you into “officializing” it… she might be getting mixed signals from you and is thinking that you don’t value her enough to date her.

Yep women not only send mixed signals of all sorts but they sometimes have very low self esteem… more than men. Don’t worry… you’ll be confused during and before joining up… women are alien creatures in various aspects to me too.

14

Let’s see, asking someone out on a serious date; okay, next time you talk to her (in person, so you can both see the non-verbals), say to her, “Friend Who is a Girl, I really like you, and would like to ask you out for an official, honest-to-God date. Whaddya think?” I think that makes it clear that you’re not just looking for a friend to go to a company picnic with.

At that point, her response should also be clear; “I’m sorry, I’m not into you that way.” or “Sounds good! Pick me up for dinner at 7:00!” If she answers anything else that leaves you scratching your head still, ask for more clarification; “Was that a yes or a no to an official date?”

15

Dude, I’m going to start pulling my hair out if I keep reading any more of this. I read your first thread about this, and I can’t believe you hadn’t done anything about it at that time. Now it’s half a year later and you’re still not up to just kissing her (while you’re not drunk) and going from there. Show up at her place with some flowers, take her out, and fix this thing. Please.

16

I know, man, I’m trying. But take some emotional stupidity and add that to not wanting to ruin a good thing and mix in a few confidence issues, and then you have my situation. Think of how I feel, having sat on this thing 6 months with the balls to do anything. It’s not pleasant for anyone involved, but I want to fix it without breaking it more.

Or maybe I’m making it more complicated than it needs to be.

17

Um… make that “without the balls to do anything”.

18

Opening my copy of “Dating for Dummies”* Here on page 2 it says:

Do something, anything. Ask her out on a real date as featherlou suggested. Being shot down in flames will hurt a lot less than 18 months of agonizing (did I read that correctly? 18 months? Dude!).

Simply put, ask now. Now more hiding behind this “I am dumb” sthick. Fight some ignorance in your own life. You say you want to start dating again. Cool. Unless there is a line forming at your door, you are going to have to ask some woman out. Start here, where you have a reasonable chance of a positive outcome. And when she says yes, cartwheels are tacky when still in her presence.

*I hope that does not exist. If it does, appologies to the authors.

19

Pick up the phone, dial, say hello, and then “I want us to go out on a date. A real date, a girlfriend/boyfriend type date.” It’s quick and painless and you will stop dithering on about it.

kicks wasson in the butt

20

My WAG, like others said - she was looking to see your reaction, and might well have interpreted it as a mixed signal from you.