Drunk friend confessed her love to me

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’ve seen a few “relationship” type threads here lately, so I figured one more wouldn’t hurt. Here goes.

I’m 25 and relatively bad at relationships. My longest was just over 3 years and ended about 6 months ago. She was living with me and we intended to get married, but split for whatever reasons. I haven’t been on the market for long and even when I was, I was terrible at the whole dating scene.

Anyway, basically all my friends are married, engaged, or in serious relationships. Except one, who we’ll call A. A and I have been friends for about 15 years, since gradeschool. We’ve been through a lot together, including the time that my best friend cheated on his current fiance with her.

So when my ex moved out, A was the only single friend I had, and we took a lot of comfort in each other. We’d go on “fake dates” when no one else was available, and hang out at each other’s houses a lot. A few months after my break up, I started getting the impression she may want to be “more than friends”. This was confirmed one night when she got completely hammered and confessed that she was in love with me, then shoving her tongue in my mouth. That was about a month ago.

Ever since, she’s been a bit standoffish, and attempts I’ve made to discuss it with her were met with claims of a black out and vague statements like “I say weird things when I’m drunk.”

I think A and I would make a perfect couple, except that the friend she had a “fling” with is still a good friend to both of us. He gets married in July and I’m the best man. I’m worried that dating A will cause tension between him and me, or even him and A.

But mostly I’m wondering why A is refusing to talk about it with me. We’ve been able to share everything else we’ve ever been through with each other.

This weekend we’re planning on a ski trip at a resort 5 or 6 miles away. I don’t think it’s a romantic getaway, but I DO want to have the talk with her.

So, my questions…

  1. How in the world would I start a conversation like the one I want to start?
  2. Is it a good idea to do it on our vacation, or should it wait?
  3. How about the car ride there/home? Or would that make her feel trapped?
  4. Why wouldn’t she want to talk about things with me (this is the big one)?

Thanks, dopers. Hopefully you can shed some light on the female perspective.

2

Oops. Make that “5 or 6 hours”, not “5 or 6 miles”. Sorry.

3

RED ALERT! RED ALERT! RED ALERT!

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

4

Well, from her viewpoint, you didn’t grab her by the shoulders (or elsewhere), kiss her passionately and then pick her up and swing her around, filled with joy that she had announced her love for you, so therefore, you must be completely disgusted by the idea. So, she’s probably hideously embarrassed and hoping you won’t bring it up, because being rejected once was more than enough for her, thank-you-very-much.

So, don’t bring up the drunken kiss and revelation. Instead, behave as though it had never happened and that you figured out on your own that you would really like a romantic relationship with her.

Put yourself out there on a limb. Tell her that you like her and want to share more with her than just a friendship. Do it before the ski vacation, understanding that if she says yes, you’ll have a fantastic time, and if she says no, it may be better to cancel the trip or drop out with a bad case of cancer of the puppy. If she does say yes, please - speaking as a woman - please start treating her as a girlfriend and not a friend with privileges.

And good luck.

5

DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!!!

If she cheated with somebody else, that’s an indication that she would have no qualms at some point doing the same again. Do you want it to be on you?

6

I can’t count the number of times I’ve done or said things I regret while I was intoxicated. Just because a person feels something sometimes, does not mean they feel it all the time.

shrug Why insist on talking about it if it makes her feel uncomfortable? The situation will resolves itself, eventually.

7

I know, I know. But if it makes a difference, my friend and his fiance weren’t engaged at the time. Also, we were kids… 18 and 19, respectively, who were drunk basically all the time. It was college.

Believe me, I had a hard time dealing with the entire experience and even stopped talking to A and the cheating friend for over a year before I came to terms with it. Now I have.

Phouka: I hope you’re right and it’s a “fear of rejection” type thing. That would be the easiest to deal with for me. What are the chances that she was just drunk and being egged on by her coworkers and didn’t mean a word of it? What are the chances she’s changed her mind in the last month that nothing has happened?

If you were A, how would you want me to start the conversation? Just throw it out there like “I think we’d make a great couple” or perhaps a little more subtle?

8

I’m curious as to whether you ever thought about a romantic relationship with her before she shoved her tongue down your throat? Had you ever been attracted to her in that way before?

9

I see your point, believe me. It’s one of the biggest reservations I have about the whole thing. On the other hand, this girl and I have a great connection I don’t have with many people, and it’s only gotten stronger and better since my ex left. She’s the one person in the world I never get sick of seeing and always look forward to talking to, no matter how often I talk to her. To let that slip away because of a mistake she made 6 years ago when she was just out of high school seems silly to me.

I understand this position too. The problem is that I love the girl dearly as my best friend, and I want to investigate further to see if I love her even more as a girlfriend. I don’t want this to be one of those regrets that haunts me forever, always thinking about how things would be different if I had grown some balls and tried something with A.

10

In one of the more passionate “discussions” my ex and I had before she left, she mentioned my “love affair” (her words) with A. I’ve always seen her as someone I could have a great marriage with, although probably a somewhat boring courtship with, if that makes sense.

So, my ex seems to think I was thinking about her as more than a friend. I’d never considered anything happening between her and I because we were always dating other people when the other was single. Now we’re both single. I would say I started looking at her as more than a friend right around the same time I started getting the impression she wanted more. I don’t think it’s purely a reaction, but I don’t think I’m capable of figuring that out without actually being in a relationship with her. I’m pretty stupid, emotionally speaking.

11

Get completely hammered and see what happens.

No, but seriously, folks; what I would say is this: if you think you like her, just tell her. No warnings, no "Hey, I wanna talk about something"s.

Before she knows what hit her, just tell her. Or better yet, just kiss her. She’s probably worried you don’t feel the same, and she’s embarrassed/worried that any conversations you’ll have about “the evening” will involve you saying, “I’m sorry, I just don’t feel ‘that’ way about you.”

But make sure you really want his.

Happy

12

Just kiss her already. Well, if you want to. ( And it sounds like you do.) Don’t talk to her about it first, she thinks you want to have a discussion because you don’t feel the same way and she’s mortified. Talk after the kiss.

Bonus points for doing it on a chairlift. :smiley:

13

Sounds to me like there isn’t any way that you could bring this up that would jeopardise the friendship that you and A have. Whatever way you bring it up and whatever her response is, your friendship has lasted a long time and it will survive. Therefore, it probably doesn’t matter in the end which way you do it.

Having said that, I agree with others that you should simply come straight out with it or, as others have suggested, just kiss her if an opportunity presents itself. She told you that she wants more from you and then planted one on you, so I don’t see how she could be too surprised or outraged if you kissed her. Sure, she was a bit tipsy at the time, but they don’t call alcohol the “truth drug” for nothin’. I think if you are keen, I wouldn’t mess around. Go ahead and boat this bass.

Also, this weekend away sounds kinda romantic to me. I have friendships with members of the opposite sex, but if one of them suggested we go away for a holiday together at a time when both of us were single, I’d be hard-pressed not to read a bit more into it… but you didn’t say whose idea it was to go away together.

Hope to hear how this goes. Good luck. Go for it!

14

Make sure its in a remote area , with no other distractions than Mother Nature provides.

Step one , ask directly. If she still does not want to either talk about it , or does not bring it up herself , then its not gonna happen in this moment in time.

Its as good a time as any , there will be no one good time for this conversation.

Leave the car ride up , to her to broach the subject , as for the ride home , it may either be zippity do dah , or it may be tense depending on the conversation on the vacation

You just might be inconvient at this time , not incompatible. Other than that , she may view you as either a brother figure , or a safe guy who is jumping the rails.

Declan

15

coughBULLSHITcough

16

wasson-

Do not talk about it unless she brings it up. That will just put her on guard.

Instead, find opportunities during the ski trip for these-

holding her hand
buddy-hug, followed by a kiss on top of her head, looking into her eyes, smiling & then going back to what you were doing,

and, using the wisdom of Vinnie Vega,

foot-rub

sometimes in CAN be in the same ball park!

17

wasson, just from viewing this thread and your posts therein, I get one strong impression: you definitely want something more with A. than just friendship.

Despite the reservations, the worrying, the pondering of motives, you really seem hopeful about the possibility of becoming romantic with her. And hey, who knows, maybe the whole thing will go down in spectacular flaming disintegration. Or not. She might end up being the best thing that ever happened to you. I say go for it. You’ve known A. for a long time, you’re the best person to judge if she’d react favorably to a kiss on the ski-lift, or if it might be better to tell her about your feelings in a more prosaic way.

If it goes bad, it goes bad. If it goes good… great.

18

The responses have run the gamut from “just kiss her and talk later” all the way down to “don’t bother discussing it, it will work out”.

I guess Mississippienne said it best… it doesn’t matter how drunk she was or what exactly she said in that state, the fact is that I want to pursue a more romantic relationship with her. The fact that the drunken night happened either makes my job harder or easier, depending on how to look at it.

So, pretend the night didn’t happen and just start a conversation like its my idea wins. Knowing her and my relationship with her, I don’t think “just kissing her” is a solid idea. She knows I’ll kiss just about anyone at anytime, because I don’t put a lot of stock into the fact that every kiss has to be meaningful. I don’t want her to interpret it as me just wanting to kiss and nothing more… ever since we were kids (until the night it actually happened), I frequently look deep into her eyes and say “so… uh… wanna make out?” just as a joke. It seems less funny now that it happened.

19

Well, sounds like you are more than half way to where you want to be. You’d have to have some very bad luck not to end up in an intimate relationship with her, IMO.

In any case, Good Luck! I hope this ends(begins?) in happiness.

20

Why? Are you in love with her? Or is this just sort of “easy” because you’re already good friends? Since you are still (at least sort of) on the rebound, be wary of “easy”. Don’t choose a potential mate simply because it seems like it might be a good idea. You really need to “feel something” is there. Are there any of the normal warning signs of love?