That, I don’t know. As I mentioned before, I’m an emotional retard. My parents were always great parents, but rarely threw around the “L” word. The ex who just left me was the second person in my entire life who I told I loved them, the first was my grandma and it was only because she said it first. With my ex, I said it when she threatened to leave me if I didn’t. Even then, I had a hard time getting the words out. I’ve told A and a handful of my friends I love them, but it’s usually just like “yeah buddy, love you too”.
In any case, I’m not a guy who enters into these things lightly (obviously). Love to me is as logical as it is emotional, and I don’t want to fall madly and deeply in love with her if I’m going to get shot down.
So what are some tell-tale signs of this “love” you speak of? Every time I get off the phone with her I say to myself “oh, by the way, I love you.” as if she’s still on the phone with me. Is this creepy or is this is a sign that I maybe should have said it before the hang-up?
DISCLAIMER: I have one divorce to my credit and the all the residual commitment issues. I don’t know crap 'bout this kinda stuff. You should probably take that into consideration before following any advice I give.
Sounds to me like you need to decide if you love her enough to risk getting shot down. There’s a (very) fine line between protecting yourself from hurt and realizing that loving her is more about her, not you and/or your feelings. I hope that makes sense.
Definitely one of the signs. Maybe just a little creepy, but extremely low on the creepy scale. It’s totally understandable.
Here I’ll help. fishbicycle
Your idea that, if a person has done something once, that they will ‘have no qualms’ about doing the same thing again in the future is flawed. You have no idea how she feels now about the affair, if she knew going into the affair that she was the other woman or if that expierence changed her. You have no idea what this woman is like.
Maybe you just think this is a good rule of thumb idea. However, your writing off a person because of a mistake in the past is not a very good life strategy. Many people make mistakes and then learn from them and become better. I guess you’ve never made mistakes but that is how the rest of us mortals do things.
That wasn’t help. That was condescending, and rude. and insulting. My opinion is as valid as yours is, so if you don’t have something constructive to say, here’s a steaming cup of STFU, you patronizing moron.
treis: My ideal… I would tell her I wanted to try a relationship. She replies that she’d also like to try. We start off pretty much the same as we are now, except we’d cuddle a little more on the couch and kiss each other goodnight when we went our seperate ways. Once that felt comfortable and good, we’d start with the occassional sleep over. Just test the waters and make sure each of us wanted to take that next step. I think those answers are difficult to find when you’re “just friends”… at least for me.
Shirly: If you’re really willing to pay, I’ll get drunk and make a video just for you (it’s up to you to pay for beer + a small bonus).
Izzybella: The more I think about it, the more I think this conversation I’m wanting to have is extremely selfish. I think loving her is more about me than her… it’s about me deciding whether or not I do, then deciding what I want to do about it. As weird as it sounds, I don’t think it’s very much about her at all. I’d love to hear more of your side, though.
Okay, so as for the signs of love thing… I’m much more willing to do things for her without complaining about them than I am for other people. She had surgery on her wrist a few weeks ago, and I was the one who took her to the hospital and sat in the waiting room for hours waiting for it to be done. The next few days I did her dishes for her, wrapped it up in saran wrap before her showers, and walked her dog. And I actually enjoyed all of it. I find myself scooting towards her on the couch when we’re watching TV, or leaning towards her when we’re out watching a movie or at a bar. Are these good signs?
And finally, to make this post a little longer and more painful to read, A. knew she was “the other woman” in the affair, but since I played the role of “the other man” a year before with someone else, I find it hard to judge her on that. I only hope she learned all the lessons I did in her experience, and now knows better than to do it again because of all the pain it causes everyone involved. I’m pretty sure she knows now.
The biggest issue I had with the “affair” wasn’t that they actually did anything. My biggest issue was that 2 of my best friends were hooking up and keeping it a secret from me. I had to find out through an acquaintance what was going on, which hurt since this friend of a friend knew more than I did. When I asked my buddy about it, he said he was ashamed to tell me. That’s when I stopped talking to both of them for about a year. We’ve since had long conversations and dealt with everything.
fishbicycle: “If she cheated with somebody else, that’s an indication that she would have no qualms at some point doing the same again.”
Maybe so, but not pertinent here. To wit:
wasson: “…my best friend cheated on his current fiance with her…my friend and his fiance weren’t engaged at the time.”
Best Friend did the cheating, on his girlfriend. “A” was the “other woman,” not something to brag about, but not the same as cheating on someone you’re in a relationship with.
Now, back to the OP: wasson, it’s clear to me that you love A as a friend and have a noticeable fondness for her. If you have some romantic feeling as well, I say go for it. Looking down the road, marriage is a life-partnership, and being good friends is often more important than having a high level of romantic passion. It almost always lasts longer, too. Just make sure there’s some passion, otherwise it’s like being with your sister.
OK, it has been made clear, after the OP, that the woman in question was not technically cheating, because the man and his intended were not in a relationship. If no cheating took place, there is nothing to worry about.
I know several women who cheated on their husbands with other men, dissolved both marriages, got married to the man they cheated with, and cheated on him. This is a type of behavior that exists. That was what my initial warning message was about, before all the facts became known.
For Zebra to come into this thread with that air of moral and intellectual superiority, to insult me for offering my opinion was completely uncalled for. And then to make a thinly-veiled reference to me and call me stupid, in the thread on people you’d like to pit, is reprehensible. You need to get over yourself. It’s fine if you disagree with what I have to say, but to totally dismiss my comment by insults and condescension shows exactly what kind of a person you really are.
Except that I read that like Zebra was talking to TastesLikeBurning, not you. Also, I didn’t consider it condescending, rude, insulting or patronizing. You might want to check which “voice” you used in your head to read Zebra’s post.
BTW, I’m trying to be somewhat helpful, and a little bit funny, but in no way rude or condescending or in any way negative. Just FYI.
Couldn’t you just ask her for a date? Making clear that it’s a real date and not a just friends thing. A nice dinner after a full day of skiing sounds like a good environment for further discussion. To me, anyways.
Bad news. The ski trip has been rescheduled. A lethal combination of horribly cold weather forecasts, my nephew’s birthday party, and A.'s work conference made both of us decide maybe another weekend would work better. So that’s off.
For a bit of clarification, A. was “the other woman”, and she knew she was. The best friend was dating a girl very seriously, however they were not engaged during the time A. was “the other woman”. They are engaged now. Hopefully this clears things up.
I like the idea of just asking her on a regular date. Any lady who has actually taken the time to read this whole thing: If a good friend of yours asked you out on a date, making sure you knew it was a real date, would you freak out? What if the same guy had taken you on multiple “fake” dates, where it was a date in every sense with the exception of the goodnight kiss? Would you react favorably to this, or would you prefer he just come out and say he likes you?
I wasn’t referring to you in the other thread. I don’t know or care if you believe me but my post there was not about you.
I did report your previous post to the mods as I feel you were way out of line to come right out and call me a moron and to tell me to shut the fuck up. This is not the pit.
If you don’t believe that people can learn from their mistakes, that is indeed your opinion. I never said you should not express it. You however had said I should not express my opinion. Now who is throwing around a supposed moral superiority? (here is a hint, it is you)
Just because you know a few women who are serial cheaters, does not mean that all women who ever cheat will be that way. That is what I’m saying. That is all I’m saying. Knowing a few people who do a certain thing is call anecdotal evidence. You have a story or two and that is it. To apply those stories to the general population is a logical fallacy. To then bring it back down or to transfer it to another person, whom you know so very little about, is another fallacy.
I think I would have appreciated knowing, but to be honest when it happened to me I was so clueless that I missed several hints and only recognized them later.
So he did try to tell me. He must have figured out that I had no idea, because when he did make it clear he made it really clear by jumping into bed with me (I was fully dressed and even wearing my coat; the apartment was very cold) and kissing me.
You’re in a better position than she was; you have an inkling that she might feel more strongly about you than simple friendship. Ask her out for the ‘real’ date.
Let me try to help, then.
Do not post in this manner outside of The BBQ Pit. If there are cups of STFU to be served, I will be doing the serving, understood?
Brainiac4 and I had been friends a long time. We’d been friends long enough to watch each other screw over other people and behave in the stupid ways you do when you are 19 - including cheating.
My ice breaker after 10 years of friendship “how come we never dated?”
It’s totally understandable.