My emotions are being fücked with.

So, I’m dating this nice young lady (ok, she’s 34, but if I call someone who is 3 years older than me young, it makes me feel better), and things seem to be going well. Her parents like me, her friends seem to think I’m an ok guy, we get along well, my family and friends -very much- approve of her, and she and I both seem to think that the other is the bee’s knees.

We just hung out and enjoyed each other’s company, and we didn’t even kiss for the first month.

The kissing was good.

About a week and a half ago, she told me that she was not comfortable with us holding hands and such in front of her friends, and she wanted to back off of the physical part of our relationship, didn’t want us to be referred to as boyfriend/girlfriend, nor as a couple. She said she needed to get to know me better before I could be something more to her. I went to a musical this weekend with her, and I felt like a leper. Her friends that live 900+ miles away got more physical affection than I did (hugs, walking arm in arm, etc). So, I’m resigned to the fact that we are not a couple, and all that, and she asks me to go to a party this weekend, and a party that I’m not invited to.

How the mother fück am I supposed to be invited to a party by someone of the opposite gender who I’m not on a date with, and not in some kind of relationship, but it’s still someone I’ve cuddled with and kissed?

Hence, I’m having my mind fücked with. Not nice.
I’m not leaving outside the asylum for a week or two.

How did you get the unlaut over the ‘u’?

But seriously, I agree 100% that you are being fucked with, either knowingly or unknowingly by her. I had a friend in college who dated a girl who withdrew from him physically just as you describe. He wasted a lot of time trying to figure out why. I say either 1-Treat her like you would any other “buddy,” and don’t expect the relationship to go anywhere, or 2-bluntly tell her you don’t have time to be jerked around, and she knows where to find you when she makes up her mind. I recommend the second one myself. If you were kissing and being otherwise physically intimate before, than you were already in a relationship, and by withdrawing she has ended what existed before. She would probably enjoy it immensely if you waited around at her beck and call for her to make up her mind. I say life’s too short.

I’d go with Lizard’s option number 2, although I’d suggest saying it nicely rather than “bluntly.” If she really is interested in the relationship, she’ll do something about it.

Well what do you want? You want her as a friend or as more? It seems that she’s made it clear that she wants your friendship and that is all she wants. No physical contact means friendship. Did you ask her why when this conversation was taking place or did you just accept her request unquestioned?
You can certainly do #2 as stated above, but when you do, be ready to accept the consequences of backing someone in a corner. You may lose her friendship too.

God, I hate it when women play those games, and that’s what it is, a game. It’s just not right. It makes all of us look bad. Although at 34, I’m kinda suprised she’s still playing them.

I’m with Lizard’s option 2. But in the words of ultress, be ready to accept the consequences.

Wait a minute, there’s a third option.
3.) She’s been screwed over before by guys who JUST want physicality. Now I’ve met Wonko a number of times, and I can’t imagine anyone making this assumption about him, but if she was traumatized by some other guy(s), then she might see getting closer to someone emotionally as being vulnerable, so she has to protect herself by NOT being physical, and therefore protecting herself from really getting hurt.

However, Wonko, I DO think you should say something. Just a “Listen, I can respect that you want to take it slowly, but I want to make sure I know where you’re coming from with that. If it’s because it’s something YOU need, then that’s fine right now. But if this is a reflection of how you feel about me, then we really need to rethink this.” Be honest. If she can’t handle your honesty, then she isn’t worth it. Good luck, hon!

Is she against any kissing or cuddling or only public displays of affection?

I tend to be weird that way too - I can be physically affectionate with my friends (or even with complete and total strangers, as the October ChiDope revealed), but I don’t necessarily do the hand-holding, cuddling in public thing, especially around my friends & family. I think it makes others uncomfortable, and it makes me self-conscious. However, once I am in private with my (as yet nonexistent SO)? Hoo-boy. :smiley:

Obviously a talk with her is in order. It sounds like she’s got some issues - maybe with the relationship moving too fast, maybe with physical contact, maybe with being “out” about the two of you to family and friends before she’s sure of what she wants. I’d steer clear of ultimatums, though. Maybe you should withdraw a bit and see if she comes to you before having any “talks”. Maybe “have other plans” this weekend and skip the party? Let her fly solo, see if she comes back.

Ugh, I’m with Arden Ranger, girls who do this shit make the rest of us look bad.

If I may be so bold, she sounds like a weirdo when it comes to relationships. Likely, she’s got issues you can’t comprehend.

I was spineless when it came to dating women (I’m married now), so I probably would have allowed myself to be yanked around like a puppet until discarded. What I should have done in similar situations is walk away. Yeah, go with Lizard’s No. 2 (not his poop, his advice), if you want to give her the option of continuing the relationship. Otherwise, I say, just let her go. If she’s screwing with your head, how can she be a friend?

With all due respect ultress, she has already backed him into a corner. Her friendship is worthless if he has to sacrifice his self-respect in order to gain it. If he waited around for her like a lap dog that is exactly what he’d be doing. Remember, there was already physical intimacy, and now she’s just “changed her mind,” so to speak. By being so vague and inconsistent she’s really not showing much respect for how he feels.

SwimmingRiddles- sounds fine, except they hung out for a whole month before even so much as kissing. And apparently all they’ve done physically is kiss and cuddle. That hardly sounds like going too fast to me. She’s 34, not 14.

Go with #2. It’s better to know than be fu**ed with.

As a 31 year man you need to wake up and smell the coffee. When a woman tells you in a direct way she wants no physical contact after having a budding physical contact relationship.

It means:

1: There’s someone else she’s really interested in.

2: You don’t turn her on. You are not date/mate material but you are a “nice guy” and a comfortable way to pass the time until she finds “the one”. It happens. You could be the world’s sexiest man and it could still happen.

3: She’s trying to break it off with you but is too polite or conflicted or lonely or (whatever) to give you a quick and merciful death.

4: It’s a subliminal power game and if it’s being played this early it’s not a good indicator for long term peace and prosperity in a relationship.

Throw all of the above into a bowl and mix.

No woman would do this to a man she had serious intentions about. Your position as neutered social escort is humiliating for a grown man with options. If a loving physical relationship is your goal you are in the wrong pew. The more time you waste as her escort the less you will respect yourself.

Rouse yourself. That’s the coffee you smell. She does not REALLY think you are the “bee’s knees” regardless of what she is telling you or you are telling yourself. It’s time to put a fork in it and I will make a small wager that there is a 50% or better chance that as soon as YOU break it off entirely and definitively (no maybes) and start dating again she will become interested in you again. Don’t fall in again if this happens.

God, I’m going to be SO sorry I said this…
Wonko, I would take advice from women-all women-with a grain of salt on this subject. If there’s one thing taking advice from female friends about relationships taught me, it’s that women usually tell you to do what they would want their man to do in your place. This is rarely what is best for you personally. Not many women are ever put in the position that you are in, because few guys ever withdraw physically in a relationship at the stage you’re in. So from what body of experience do they have to draw on to give you advice about how to deal with it? I say listen to the people who’ve been where you are: the men. If you read back over this thread, most men seem to agree with my original option #2, while most women (I’m not saying all; I don’t know everyone’s gender) seem to be counseling restraint, being careful, etc. That’s all well and good, but hemming and hawing by you won’t help the situation any. It’s exactly the opposite of what I meant in option 2.

astro has it nailed. Really. She just wants to be friends, nothing else (well, for now).

She’ll be back once you unwrap yourself from her finger. I say you take a date to the party.

Not kissing for a month, sheesh! No wonder she doesn’t want to date you. Learn to make a MOVE man!!! We women have sex drives too!


press <alt>, then 129, then release <alt>.

minty green-

Sounds like a good idea.


I want her as more than a friend.

Swiddles- I agree with you.

I had a very long discussion just figuring out what she was feeling and I’m still not sure I know. I was under the impression that she did not want to be affectionate with other people around until I got clarification on it on sunday. Turns out she wants to have no physical affection between us at all. It’s like I get all of the rejection of being dumped without any of the commitment or closure.

Oh, and I got one of those “This-is-how-I-feel-and-I’m-sorry I-could-not-express-it-too-well,-and-I-understand-why-you might-not-trust-me-and-why-you-are-so-confused,-and-let-me know-when-you-feel-like-contacting-me-again” emails this morning.

I think astro is right too. It pisses me off, but I think astro is right.

Yeeeeouch. Sorry, brother. If I may presume to point out a silver lining: at least you got this news before she decided to be interested in someone else while you were still around. 'Cause that really stings.

Ah feel yore pain, my man.

Sounds to me like a variation on the tried-and-not-even-remotely-true “friends” speech. Sorry to hear about it, Wonk. One of these days, maybe we’ll figure out why women think that slowly torturing a relationship to death is so much more polite than just straight-out ending it.

Yo, Wonk, try to cheer up. At least you didn’t get too intimate before all this happened. Try to let this slide off your back, as hard as it might be.

Sorry for the highjack, but it’s better than my first big love. I walked in on her while she was sleeping with a guy who was, quote-unquote, just a friend. Talk about an ouchie! Luckily, they weren’t in the act.

And you know what’s really fucked up? I tried to make it work, like that was a temporary problem. You look back at these things and say WTF. What was I thinking?

That sucks, Wonko. FWIW, I think your the bee’s knees.

The rest of you guys, I’ve been married for 15 years, so I’ve forgotten how this works. What is the best way to tell a guy you like him just as a friend?

Honestly. And as soon as possible. Trust me. I’ve been on both sides on this issue, and it’s not fun to KNOW that someone is interested in you and know that they are expecting something you just can’t provide.

Wonko, in that case, I’d say she is, indeed, screwing with your head. I would have your terminology, but I’m on a Mac. :slight_smile: Drop her like a hot potato. But if you do think that there is a chance that my #3 is right, then be nice about it, or you’ll just be strengthening her theory that all men are assholes, and that they just want to screw her.

I’m gonna assume all of this (see my thread ) is due to Valentines day, and the madness that preceeds it. Oy. Remember, Wonk, you kick serious ass, and you’ve seen Guster in Central Park. That immediately gives you 300 cool points. :slight_smile: