You have admitted that you are attracted to me. You know that I am attracted to you. But you decided that you “just want to be friends” for now. Then, you told me you wanted to kiss me. You described in detail the way you would kiss me, hold me, caress me, until my body was crying out for you and I wanted to be with you so bad it hurt. Then, you told me that you had thought about it, and decided that we would be better off as friends. I was very disappointed, but accepted that. Then, you came over to hang out at my house. We watched a movie, which I didn’t see much of because I was distracted by you carrying me over to the couch, kissing me, stroking my body. I wanted you to stay there forever. Now, you have been away for 3 weeks, and have told me you thought about our situation. You have told me that once again, you want to be no more than friends. I could accept this before, but now I’m having so much trouble doing so. It would have been so much better if you had never kissed me in the first place. Now I can’t stop thinking about you. I know that any logical person would tell me that I should just let go of you, but I can’t. I know that if you ever want me again, I’ll still be here for you. I know that I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. I also know that if we ever end up together again, you will just end up rejecting me again, hurting me again. It would help if I knew whether this was a final decision or not, but I don’t. I wish I knew whether you would change your mind again. I wish that I could move on, but I can’t. Please, don’t break my heart again.
I’m not sure if you posted this to vent or if you’re looking for advice, but I’m one of the “logical” people you referred to. You cannot spend your life waiting around to learn if this is the “final decision.” Why give the other person that kind of power over you? I realize that there isn’t much you can do to avoid a broken heart in a situation like this, but you can take steps to avoid the mind fuck. Do not let yourself become the occassional, easily available piece of ass unless that is all you want as well, which clearly is not the case. Good luck!
Stay away from this guy. Whether he knows it or not, he is playing a game. It is a very cruel game, and I doubt this is a game you need or want.
This guy sounds like he’s using you as a “friend with benefits” or to put it bluntly, a fuck buddy. Tell him in no uncertain terms you do NOT appreciate this.
{{{{monica}}}} Hang in there. Trust me, there are way better guys out there. At least, I hope.
Well, this logical person isn’t going to tell you to do anything as passive as “let go”. You ought to be angry. How would you feel if someone treated your mother or your sister (or your father or your brother) or your best friend this way?
This is someone who wants to be in a relationship where he gets to judge you and decide whether or not you are “worthy” on a regualr basis, but where he never gets judged at all. And he is either 1) too self-sentered to see that this hurts you or b) smart enough to see how this hurts you but dosen’t care. In either case, he’s an asshole.
You need to get very busy very soon, preferably doing something that involves tough physical labor. Clean the living shit out of your home, or do massive landscapping, or find someplace to voluneteer.
I’m throwing in my $0.20 here, agreeing with previous posters. This person is bad news. They are using you and manipulating you, all without having to make any kind of commitment to you. Don’t “let go.” Throw, as hard as you possibly can.
Some people sure are making snap judgments here. I know it’s not likely the object of the OP will respond to this thread, but wouldn’t it be nice to get that side of the issue before he or she is labeled as bad news?
monica, you’d don’t say whether you’re talking about a male or a female, and I won’t presume to guess either way. But if you’re talking about a male, I’ll try to explain a little (based on what you’ve said and what my experiences have been).
My guess is that he was and is very attracted to you. You suspect this too; otherwise, he wouldn’t have kissed you and caressed you. But it is possible that he is feeling conflicted. You see, I’m sure he enjoyed very much the physical time he spent with you, and there’s a part of his brain that’s telling him you’re the one, that you would be a perfect person to get to know better as more than just friends.
But then there’s another part of his brain that tells him, “No, don’t do it. You’ll fall for her, you’ll like her a lot, you’ll even love her a lot, but she’s too good for you. You know it. She may not know it - and doesn’t act like it - but she is. You don’t deserve her love.”
Now, I’m not saying that there’s more than a hint of truth to those words. I’m saying it’s possible those thoughts are going through his mind. On the one hand, his heart feels something for you. On the other hand, his mind can’t quite make out what it all means. We males are more prone to analysis, you see. We analyze why we feel the way we do, and when we cannot reconcile our thoughts and feelings, we hesitate to make a decision. Which hurts us a lot, I assure you.
Now, if we suppose that he is not sure what to do, then logically it makes sense that he would say he wants to be with you, kiss you, etc., and then later say he wants to be friends.
I don’t mean to place him in a heroic light by any means, but this is a pretty natural event for the average male. It may appear to you that he doesn’t care all that much, but let’s not assume his intentions are all wrong. True, there are plenty of males who are very callous when it comes to affairs of the heart, and it’s true this guy might be one of those guys. I just wanted to present to you an alternative persepective.
Now, assuming he is feeling terribly conflicted, what do you do? The answer has already appeared in this thread. Get away from him. You must cut him off completely until he can decide. If you invite him over or go with him, the cycle will merely begin anew - you’ll get physical, then he’ll say he wants to be friends only. You do not need this, do you?
But if you cut him off and force him to make a choice, you’ll be better off. Let’s say you don’t interact with him at all for a few weeks, a month, two months. Let’s then say he contacts you and says he wants to get together. Ask him on the phone if he’d thought about your relationship. Ask him if he wants to be your friend or something more. Put him on the spot right there, before he is in your physical presence. If he says he wants to be friends only, hang up. And never, ever get back to him. Ever.
If he says he wants to be with you and be more than friends, let him come over if he sounds convincing. But if he comes over, gets physical, and then again comes up with the “friends” thing, tell him to get lost. Now he’s a liar.
Again, I’m not trying to defend the guy - maybe he’s a real jerk anyway. I don’t know him. But maybe he’s not so bad; maybe he’s just trying not to hurt you, but keeps falling prey to your charms.
But Dantheman, even if this is honest confusion/confliction, there’s no sign that this guy is aware of the emotional anguish his actoins are causing: he’s obsessed wiht how he feels, and apparently hasn’t given much thought to her feelings at all. Which tell me that even if he isn’t being deliberitly manipulitive, he’s no great canidate for a relationship. Knowing the ages involved here would help: emotional self-obsession is a lot more acceptable (and recoverable) at 15 than at 25.
The guy does not seem to want to re-define the terms of the relationship. He wants to have the cake and eat it too. But the relationship has changed, irrevocably. Monica must tell the sap where the boundries now are and what she will and will not accept.
That may mean never seeing him again…
Hold on. There are a lot of signs missing. Perhaps there’s no sign that he is aware of the emotional anguish because we don’t have his side of the story. You’re assuming he’s not aware there’s any problem; I don’t feel comfortable making that assumption based on what we’ve been told so far. And monica wouldn’t know if he is aware of the conflicting feelings either, since it’s pretty much impossible to read someone else’s mind.
Based on what we’ve been told, I’d agree that he doesn’t seem like a good candidate for a relationship, no matter what age we’re talking about. I’m just saying that he might not be leading her astray just to have someone to play with; he may be geniunely conflicted. It’s been known to happen.
Dantheman, obviously we are only getting bits and pieces of the story here. However, this is important:
I tend to take a pretty pragmatic view of relatoinships: to me the thing that matters is what is done, not what is felt. So he may or may not be aware of the fact that his actions hurt the OP deeply: if he is aware of it, he is an asshole, and if he isn’t aware of it, hee is very self-centered. This is the episode that seems decisive to me (assuming that it is factually true):
Leaving someone to twist in the wind for three weeks after a physical encounter is cruel, and even if you are truly and honestly ambigous it is still your responsiblilty to at least fake certainty: a decent person will write off the relationship and mourn in private that they might have had s good relatoinship if they had had the courage to pursue it. To get physical with someone, not contact them for three weeks, and then get in touch with them to tell them you don’t want to be in a relationship is not mature behavoir, regardless of whatever immature behavoir may or may not have been happening on the other side of the relationship.
Not self-centered, ignorant. Or, maybe more accurately, self-absorbed. And although self-absorption is generally a bad thing, it’s not quite the same as being self-centered, which implies he thinks he’s the greatest thing since sliced bread. If he were self-centered, he wouldn’t have a conflict.
Sure, definitely agree. He’s not doing right by her, and based on what we’ve been told he sounds like a real bad fit for her. All I’m saying is that this isn’t necessarily a black-and-white issue. Sure, he’s acting wrongly, but what are the reasons?
Dantheman, thank you so much especially. I’m really hoping that you are right. It was nice to see things a little bit differently. I think he does realize to some degree what he was doing, and that is why he only wants to be friends, because he doesn’t want to move it up to a committment level.
monica, if you don’t mind me asking, how old are you? Mandy is definitely right - your age and his age might have some bearing here.
If you think he knows the hurt he’s causing - and the extent of that hurt, too - then you really, really need to get away from him. He can do you no good. Seriously. But if you think he might now know how much it hurts you to be twisting in the wind like this, please let him know. Males are obtuse. He might need a talking to. Sure, I know - you’ve talked to him before. All you need to do is tell him that if he doesn’t want to be more than friends, then you’re not interested in him; that you don’t want to be just a friend to him, because you don’t think of him as just a friend. Tell him you think you deserve more than what you’ve been getting. Don’t hold back! And if he takes it and is able to answer you honestly, then… well, then you go from there.
I think we more or less agree: I was using “self-centered” in the sense that you are using “self-absorbed”–it really dosen’t matter if someone is totally focused on their own emotions because they think they are the greatest thing since sliced bread or if they are focused on their emotions because they think they are the most pustulant pimple on a donkey’s backside and they are so fixated on their own horribleness that they can’t imagene that everyone else isn’t fixated on it too: I’ve known considerably more of the later than the former, but both kinds exisit and both kinds are Not Good Partners because they really assume that they are the main charecter in everybody’s story.
monica
If you don’t mind indulging the opinion of lil old me, have you considered talking to him about your feelings? From the sounds of it, I get the impression you’ve never really sat down with this person and laid down all of the cards. If for no other reason than to bring yourself peace of mind, talk to this guy, tell him how you feel, and not only get everything out of your system, make sure he gets out everything from his. Perhaps he’s afraid of commitment. Perhaps he’s afraid of rejection. Or perhaps he keeps on backing off because of something about him he finds physically embarassing and he’s afraid of what you’ll think of that (that is assuming you’ve never seen him fully naked, just trying to cover as many bases as possible).
Good luck to you monica, I don’t envy your position and I hope for the sake of your sanity and your heart you find answers soon.
Sanscour
Thanks for your support everybody! I’m now to the point where I look at the situation and just think “screw him!” (definately not literally). I briefly entained thoughts of revenge, but decided that he’s not worth it. And, much to my great horror, the song that was playing in my head for awhile was the BSB’s “Quit playing games with my heart.” And he should be back from a trip he took soon, so I’ll get a chance to talk to him then. I’ll let you know how that goes!