Advice on getting over someone when feelings are mutual?

About a month ago I met a man - Tall, Handsome, Intelligent, Suave, Gregarious, Unassuming, YeseverythingI’mlookingfor (THISGUY, for short) - at a shindig hosted by some mutual friends, a married couple - Mr. and Mrs. No immediate sparks, but the next day Mrs., who’s also a coworker, mentioned that THISGUY had asked about me, expressed interest, after I left. A few days later after another socialization event he asked me to go to dinner later that week, and I accepted. A few days of textual flirting, getting-to-know-you and such follow, and then a fantastic first date, followed by a week of hot-and-heavy whirlwind romance. I was head-over-heels, and by all accounts THISGUY was, too.

Story continues under the cut:

[spoiler]Which is when things screeched to a halt. He said things were moving too quickly, could we slow down? I said ‘of course’ and followed with clinginess. He responded with a lack of communication. I became more confused, frustrated, and after three or four days without talking much at all he made it clear that this wasn’t working. I said, “Fine. Fuck it” and went on my merry way. I was very disappointed, and upset that things had gone so bad so quickly, but tried to move past it. (It was during this time that I learned that four years ago THISGUY had been royally fucked over by a woman he thought he’d marry, and that I was the first person he’d been seriously interested in since. Mr. and Mrs., who are good friends of his, made it clear that they thought THISGUY was freaked out and scared, and that his history had contributed to the blow-up.)

Fast forward to this week. I awoke to a message from Mrs., which said that she and Mr. had been close-to-accosted at the bar the night before by THISGUY, who went ON and ON about how he was very interested in me, but felt he’d fucked up royally…etc. In short, exactly what I wanted to hear. After some conversation with Mr., where I bounced my frustration and disappointments off him, I gave THISGUY a call.

Now, disclaimer: When I called this man I knew that he’d 1. just gotten home from the hospital (he had had a cyst removed) 2. was tired and half-drugged 3. already told Mrs. that he wasn’t feeling up to calling me, but might the next day. I also had Mr. and Mrs.'s opinions that he was chickening out because things had ended so badly before.

The conversation went fairly well. I ranted some about my frustration and disappointment, but made it clear that I was still interested in him. THISGUY apologized for the way things had gone, but clearly stated that he is not ready for a relationship, even though he thinks I’m ‘amazing’ and ‘can’t’ just tell me to bugger off, though that’d be easier. Anyway, I asked what he wanted, and it turns out it’s “space”. No communication at all. No small talk, no texting, no anything.

It’s been two days, and I find this very hard. Obviously he’s on my mind, and now that I know I have a second chance at what seemed like a great man, I have trouble moving on. I know I’m going to wait on him for at least the time being, because I understand that he’s making an effort to get his life and emotions sorted out – but I also know I’m going to go crazy if I keep dwelling on the maybes, or waiting for the phone to ring. I’m also going to drive all of my friends crazy, as they’ve gotten more than tired of this stupid situation. Every bit of advice I’ve gotten is to “Move on. He’ll call when he’s ready,” but I’m not sure how to distract myself when I know he’s just across town.

Also: I’m at uni, and it’s the very end of the semester (finals next week) so everyone’s rather stressed and there’s not much going on. I have a ton to do, but not much of it is really engaging, so I find my mind always wandering back to this.

Sorry about the length. Any advice or insight is appreciated. [/spoiler]

He clearly told you that he is not ready for a relationship. When someone tells you something, it is your job to listen. Forget everything else he told you and everything else you’re telling yourself about him. For whatever reasons, *he is not ready for a relationship. * Stop calling and texting him, stop talking to your friends about him. Just stop it. You’re going to end up making a big ass of yourself if you carry on.

Okay, how to- get busy doing other things. Concentrate on school. Get together with friends- you can even let them know that you need some extra support right now. Play games like Words with Friends. Read a lot. Write things out journal-style. Exercise. Adopt a pet. Volunteer. There’s a ton of things that you can do to be busy and not give yourself time to brood.

No advice, but I’m betting you eventually marry THISGUY.

Did you have sex with THISGUY? It’s a well-kept secret, but there are guys in the world that will tell you everything you want to hear, and make it seem like they are very much into you and that you could really have something together, just so they can bang you, and then all of a sudden, they’re “scared of what they’re feeling”, they’re “not ready for a relationship”, they “still have feelings for their ex” or whatever their excuse du jour for getting rid of you is. Not that I’ve ever experienced this personally- ah, a friend of mine told me this. Yeah, that’s it.

When understanding men…

Things that are smokescreens, excuses, bullshit or just plain old lies:

  1. His traumatic past relationships
  2. His minor surgery
  3. The shit he was talking to Mr and Mrs while at the bar (and probably drunk)

Things that you can always take to the bank:

  1. His actions. What he does.

(i.e., if he’s not calling you it’s because he doesn’t want to speak to you). It’s not because of some horrible traumatic relationship he had in the past, it’s not because he’s still in pain from surgery, it’s not because of blah blah blah.

Sorry, but you should focus on something/someone else for now.

Ha. Yes, I did, and I absolutely get where you’re coming from. This is what I thought at first, as well, and one of the reasons I was so upset that it ended - not that I’d had sex with him, but that I thought he’d exaggerated his interest in me just to get laid, and that sort of dishonesty really makes me ill.

The things that have happened since have made me rethink this, though. Until this week I was fully planning to move on, never talk to him again, just think nasty thoughts in his direction every so often. If what he wanted was to get rid of me, he had it. Unless he’s really some sort of sadist, I don’t know what he’d get of convincing me (and our mutual friends) that he’s still interested.

Go back to moving on and don’t even bother thinking nasty thoughts to him. He’s either fucking with you because he wants round two, or he doesn’t want the mutual friends to think he’s an asshole. What** Isamu **says is spot on- you have to go by what he does. Stop analyzing it, that is a losing game. Move on.

Sorry, but I’ve been THISGuy before, back when I was really, really screwed up, (in contrast to being just screwed up) and you want to run. I was also meeting a series of Crazies, who would do the same thing back.

This guy screams ISSUES, and it’s more than a broken heart four years ago. I’m not a counselor and I’m certainly not his counselor, so it’s anyone’s guess what is going on in head, but let it go.

Thanks very much for the perspective, guys. Obviously I’ve been holding on to an idea of him that isn’t evidenced by his actions, and while it’s not easy to hear, I understand what you’re saying. Admittedly, hope lingers, but until he gets in contact I’ve got to try to put him out of mind.

I’d love to hear if you’ve got something else to add to the conversation, and will let folks know if there are any new developments.

I don’t want to come across as berating you, but are you aware of how your actions have contributed to this outcome? I’m not saying that to be mean, but we all need to learn from our mistakes and from what you’ve posted, you made several in this fleeting relationship that you don’t want to repeat next time.

I don’t take it as berating at all; I know I’ve made mistakes. Mostly I think it comes back to getting caught up in the moment and barreling forward, without really considering if it’s a good idea or not. That’s one of the reasons I want to take a step back now, and figure out the best way to move forward cautiously. I intentionally included acknowledgement of my mistakes because I want to make it clear that I think both of us contributed to things becoming so disconnected at the first, and that I didn’t immediately learn from that. This is probably why I am so willing to accept that he’s screwed up right now, but still interested in pursuing something; I know I’ve come off as harsh or bitchy when trying to clarify my own confusion to him, but that doesn’t invalidate my feelings.

I suppose another fault might be my instinct to see the best in what’s obviously a fucked-up situation. We’re two people communicating badly, and I guess what I’m just now figuring out is that even if he does have the best intentions (which I’m going to accept unless I’ve got stronger evidence, 'cos this is what people I trust are telling me), there’s no guarantee that this will lead anywhere good. Optimism, but not blind hope. Or that’s what I’m going to try, at least.

It’s great that you have that self-awareness, I wish you good luck in your future, whether it includes this chap or not. :slight_smile:

My wild-ass guess about his talking to your mutual friends the second time - either they asked him what happened, or he assumed you’d ranted to them about him, so he spun this story about how he’d really screwed up with you, etc. to save face with them.

So yeah, what they said. Sorry you ran into a mess like this, but take it as a lesson learned for the future.

Damaged goods. Run.

Buy a copy of “He’s Just Not That in to You.” It’s actually a very good book, and will explain quite neatly what happened there, how you can cope, and how to avoid it in the future.

Isamu’s post was brilliant.

If someone leaves a relationship, and says they do not want to be in a relationship with you, they are not that in to you. If someone tells you not to call or text, they are not that in to you. These are clear signs that he does not want to be in a relationship with you.

You need to mentally add “…with you” to all of his statements. Pretty much every man tells a woman he “does not believe in marriage” eventually gets married to someone else. Every man who “is not ready for a relationship” would suddenly be ready if he met the right girl. What these statements really mean are “I’m don’t believe in marrying you,” and “I’m not ready for a relationship, with you, because I don’t want one with you.”

If you were the Victoria’s Secret underwear model with a PhD who adores children and gives great blow jobs (or whatever his particular dream girl is) do you think he’d sleep with you for a bit and then say “Oh, I need a break?” Of course not! He wouldn’t want to let go of that Victoria’s Secret underwear model for a moment. When people find someone they are just crazy about, they are not going to risk losing it by pulling away. Nor is he going to tell that Victoria’s Secret model about how all his “issues” are coming between them. He would be scrambling to find any way he can to make sure they can be a couple. He’d make it his life’s mission to keep her by his side.

But he did feel perfectly comfortable leaving you, and telling you not to call him. He doesn’t want to be with you that much (though, I’m guessing, he’d be open to sleeping with you if it was easy.)

What to do? Just figure that not every relationship is viable. You guys may have hit it off well, but something was mismatched and it wouldn’t have lasted even if had dragged out longer. It’s probably not about you personally. Some people need Pepsi, some people need Coke. So feel happy that you didn’t waste too much of your time in a non-viable relationship and go find that guy who will treat you right, who won’t tell you not to call him or contant him. Why accept less than a real relationship?

And do think about your perspective. It’s a bit…strange…to be having big emotional heart-to-heart talks with someone you’ve been casually dating. That looks like desperation, and desperation is the quickest and easiest way to become unattractive. How can a guy respect you if you are always jumping through hoops for him, and why would he give you his heart if you are happy with his leftovers and scraps? Guys will instinctually try to see how far they can push a relationship in terms of not giving effort. They are basically going to try to drive everything down to “booty call.” If you accept it, that’s what you are going to end up with.

I’m a big fan of casually dating a few guys at the same time and letting the cream rise to the top. Not getting a call on Friday night from a guy is a lot easier to handle when you have another date planned. Live your life, make it a rich and fun one, don’t invest in a relationship until he has made an equal investment, and don’t play along with relationships that aren’t filling your needs.

I strongly agree with this advice. When I was younger, I used to waste a lot of time worrying about winning over ambivalent guys too - and it never did work out. I’m engaged to a wonderful guy now. Surprise surprise, when my fiance and I got together, there was NO QUESTION he was interested and serious about having a relationship. When they really are interested, relationships aren’t that hard.
If I were still single now, knowing what I’ve learned about guys over the years, my reaction to a guy pulling this kind of BS would be to stop investing any more time/emotion in the relationship and start focusing on finding someone better.
I know that right now this guy seems so perfect and that’s probably why you want so badly for this to work out. Sometimes it’s worse to get over someone when you didn’t get to know them well enough to see the ways they are horribly incompatible with you.

Anyway, I definitely would suggest no more contact with him and just focus on meeting other guys. There are other guys as just as good or better than this one, I promise. If he really does have feelings for you, then I bet he’ll get his act together pretty fast when he finds out (from your friends, not you!) he might lose you forever because you’re not going to wait around for him like some sad sack. If he doesn’t bother, then that tells you it wasn’t THAT important to him.

(I do think there is a very good chance that he made up the story about being scarred from a prior relationship because he doesn’t want to look like a jerk to your mutual friends. If he was really all that gun shy, it doesn’t make sense that he would have pursued you in the first place.)

Seems like you are more attracted to certain aspects of THISGUY and not the whole package. Lots of women, think that if they get into a relationship with someone, that they’ll get the good parts they like and easily change the parts that drive them crazy, because women are good at doing that right? WRONG. You’re gonna get the crazy stuff too and it’s not gonna go away. Better like the whole package before you committ your emotions.

Not sure why I’m defending him, but going off someone after sex isn’t necessarily the end result of a premeditated, manipulative ‘player’s’ game; the enthusiasm which comes with libido can be easily mistaken for that of love. Unfortunately it’s only after the sex that you can differentiate the two.

I’m also not sure why you’re defending him. If you look at that quote in context, or even just at the tense (PAST), you’ll notice that there’s no accusation to defend him from. This is an explanation I imagined would explain certain decisions he made, that was invalidated by later decisions.

Not that I disagree with your point, but it’s not relevant in this context. And if you’re defending men in general from women in general…I think you’ve got your work cut out for you.

Could you be more specific? I think I know what you’re getting at, but I saw it in a ‘didn’t recognize some aspects of him until much later’ way, and it’s that lack of recognition that’s made communication difficult.

You are investing too much thought and time into a man that isn’t that into you. No reflection on you. A man who really wants you will move mountains to get you. All this guy is moving is his lips.

If you expend this much emotional energy into every man who initially comes across as a great fit, you will be too used up to spot and take action when the right man comes along.

The best thing for you to do is slam your mental door shut on this one and yell “Next!”.