The below is a vent, not really asking for advice. Just telling the story makes me feel marginally better. Any support or hugs appreciated, though.
Met the most fantastic man on a course. For once I was brave, actually asked him out and had a few wonderful dates. We could talk about anything and it felt like we’d known each other for years. We had a wonderful friendship and chemistry to top it off. I was in a state of utter bliss.
I knew he was having a hard time. His father is very seriously ill and his job his is extremely stressful on top of that. His drill is work, hospital, look after other family members, sleep, and do it all again the next day. Our dates were stolen moments, often at odd hours.
A few weeks ago he ceased making appointments to see each other, though he was in touch via text. In the end, I got very distressed and asked him what was up. He wrote to me saying he was sorry but at this point his life is just too difficult and he is not able to dedicate the time/energy to someone in his life in the romantic way and that friendship was all he could offer.
I understand this.
I also rationally know that I sound and am acting like a teenager (I really didn’t know I had this kind of love-sickness still in me) and that I probably can’t read that much in what were really only a handful of dates, but I don’t recall ever having felt so much for someone and have that reciprocated. And now it’s over.
Finally, it should be clear to me from his situation that my problems are really very small and that I should keep a sense of perspective.
Well, I am doing my best to be supportive friend with text messages. I adore this guy and will do whatever I feel makes him happiest and will be there as a friend whenever or leave him space if that works better for him.
However, we haven’t physically met for a month and I am trying to protect myself from spending too much energy on hoping.
I know it sounds terrible, but trying to be romantically involved with someone who has a complicated personal situation doesn’t usually work out, at least IME. And, just as importantly, when (and if) they do manage to sort things out, there’s still usually some other reason why they don’t want to start dating again.
I’m sorry you’re hurting so much though, and I’m not going to bother with the usual “There, there, it’ll all get better, have a nice hot cup of tea and a sticky bun” sort of response, but I will say it might help to focus on the good memories (which you’ll always have!) and make sure you don’t blame yourself for any of it.
I don’t know that it’s over-over… I do know that I said no to one guy because I knew he had problems at home, I had problems at home that nobody knew about or would have believed (my parents being the official posterboys for parents in our school) and I didn’t have the energy to deal with my problems plus his problems plus the kind of crapola our peers would have expected us to do as part of the “being a couple” package.
That didn’t mean I didn’t like him, I liked him to bits. I would have been perfectly happy to jump his bones and grind them halfway through the mattress if we could have spared with all the attendant stuff; I loved discussing books and movies with him. I just didn’t have the energy to add his stuff and our stuff to my stuff. If things hadn’t been such a mess, if, if, if. If you don’t have the energy to add his stuff to yours and he doesn’t have the energy to add the “we” stuff to his, well then, better luck next time - to both of you.
I’ve been going through this same situation for the past year now, Pookah. It is indeed hard to deal with. What’s especially hard is that there was no bad breakup and no anger, so it’s really hard just to move on. I’m free to meet other guys but no one stacks up to this one. I don’t sit around lonely waiting for him to come back, but I always seem to be around when he’s feeling communicative. I’m still open for someone else to sweep me off my feet but until then, I’m still dancing around this other guy.
Yes, exactly. We are also still friends and I’m sure if that makes it better or worse. As my favourite children’s writer Diana Wynne Jones put it in Homeward Bounders: “Hope is an anchor”
I’m also miffed because I live in a town full of beautiful flirty men*. I used to so enjoy the flirting and the excitement of being charmed, even if I rarely, if ever, took it anywhere. Now they’re just Not Him. I’m sure it will get better, but this might take a while and it’s horrid.
Thanks for the sympathy, though. It does help knowing I’m not alone in this. Lots of thanks to everyone who responded. It’s so raw, and talking through it helps a bit.
