Love him or Leave him

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

OK I think I need some serious advise…and a friend said I should ask you….I made a post earlier about a guy I am thinking a lot about…let me give you some background on me and him and our relationship…to get solid advise.

Ok, I am 23 ½ now, I got married at 18, 5 months out of H.S., to a guy I dated for 2 ½ years before that…we were both Christians, he raised in a Strict, judgmental Christian home, where everything was black and white….so when we started being tempted to have sex….and eventually did, before marriage. Now since we were we’re so brainwashed so to speak…… we felt like we couldn’t be with anyone else now since we had had sex, and we did love each other, so we got married. Now I grew up in a home were there was a lot of anger and drugs etc…so “MY” marriage was great compared to what I had seen. I never thought there was problem…but

4 months ago I found out my husband had been living a secret life online for over a year, I did not know this because he was online at work, not at home. Anyway I guess the lies caught up with him and he had a little breakdown…and told me all…he said he didn’t love me, and wanted to leave and start a new life on his own. He also said he met a girl online, from England, (we live in US) His exact words when he told me about her was “I don’t want you to think she was just a fling”. I asked him to stay and we would work it out…it went well at first, but in the last 3 months it’s only gotten worse…and has lead to him being without a job, any motivation, and just plain cold at times….since this I have hardened myself to him, and as of this week he is sleeping in another room and is not wearing his wedding ring anymore. The “girl” is his best friend and he doesn’t “like” her like that anymore, he says…they talk all the time online and on the phone. We are picking her up at the airport on Sat… she will be staying for 3 weeks. Why am I letting her come….well I agreed to it when it was all going well…and I never go back on my word. Also I know it’s not her fault…it’s ours, and we would have problems with her or without her here. After she is gone, he will move out.

Ok so “my” guy….well I met him 3 months ago when my husband and a few other guys were running an internet site together…he was one of the admin there. Our first talks were arguments about whether we should allow porn on the site or not. Ironically, I thought he was a real ass at first, and a jerk. Anyway….we just keep talking and one night when we were talking it changed…I guess I saw the “real” guy. I saw the qualities of a really good man in him, someone I admire, respect, and am encourage by. Now I am NOT the type of person that can keep my feelings inside, so with in a month I told him I liked him…he knows I am married, he has known my husband for over a year…and so he said…I will not tell you anything other that “I like you a lot too” but because you are married, I won’t tell you how much or be lovie with you. Not until you know what you really want. So that was 3 months ago, in that time I have had very mixed emotions about it…I have tried to make my marriage work only for it to fail more…so I started talking to him about “maybe” meeting after I get divorced…not right away, at least 6 months… but seeing. If nothing else he is a great friend. Anyway in the course of the time we have been talking…I have gotten many different responses and emotions from him…everything from telling me I am his sweet angel and once putting up a heart. That I am very special to talking about me coming there. Then basically not responding to me for long periods of time. Also when I ask something about us, or how he feels I will get…I will tell you someday, or I am not saying or I don’t know. Is he just afraid to say how he feels, I know he has been hurt in the past. I also no he is very introverted and seems to be one track minded…so when he is online he will get distracted easily, and will get busy and shut out the whole world…not just me, and I also know that the situation is awkward…but I know now that I am done with my husband that it isn’t going to work for us, and that I would like to see what could happen with him. I was confused…but I am very sure about what I want now!

My friends think this guy is using me, that he likes the attention he is getting and that when he is needy or wants something, he will chat up a storm with me and tell me all these things. But when he doesn’t care…he ignores me, and is short and cold with his answers. Anyway…should I just move on, and give up men totally? Or keep pursuing this with him?

2

Yeesh, Truth, what a mess.

I think at this point your top priority is to yourself and your own well-being. You got married as a girl, and you’ve done what sounds like a lot of growing up; the thing is, you’ve never done any growing alone. There’s no need to move from one man to another when the former fails you.

Take time, and plenty of it, to either repair or finish your marriage, and dedicate yourself wholly to one or the other. If it’s clear your marriage is over, dedicate yourself to taking care of yourself through that. Grieve over it, get counselling, talk it all out with people you trust, whatever you need and find helpful. And then be on your own for a while. Find out what you like as your own person, rather than half of a partnership. You may be amazed at how transforming and strengthening it can be.

And a hard lesson that took me several rounds to learn: your friends are often in a better position to see a love interest for what he is than you are. They don’t have the sunshine-and-roses (or confusion) to look through when they see him, and their loyalty is to no one but you. Listen to what they say, and try your hardest to step back and see if they’re onto something. It’s hard, but it’s possible.

My two cents.

3

I second everything Beadalin has said.

If your friends have never steered you wrong before, trust what they say now. They are on the outside looking in, therefore, they have a better view of the whole picture.

I found for myself, it was two years before I felt like dating again after my last serious relationship. It was an emotionally draining one and I just needed the time to be alone, figure myself out, and become independent. (For the record, I was 21 when that relationship ended and I’m now 26.) It took me two years to build a life of my own and reach a point where I became comfortable with myself and the idea of spending my life on my own (and the idea of dating again). In fact, I’m at a point now where I am just as happy single. I think that’s an important step. I can’t stress that enough! It’s done wonders for me. I am self-reliant and no longer afraid of being alone. I know what I want and where I’m going regardless if there’s a boyfriend in my life or not.

Frankly I’d just steer clear of dating until you’ve had a good chunk of time alone. Allow some time to pass between the end of your marriage and new relationships.

If you’re already having reservations about this new guy I’d definitely wait it out until you’re in a better place emotionally. If he’s serious about you, he’ll wait.

'Course, this is all just my opinion… I wish you well, whatever path you take.

4

I don’t think there’s anyway that you can concentrate on your marriage, whichever way it turns out, if you have some woman coming into your home and distracting your husband from making the decisions he needs to do: that you both need to do; or if you have feelings for someone else.

I know you said that you don’t ever go back on your word, but really, is that still the case when you are being treated like a doormat? Your husband “may not like her in that way” - but, the fact remains, he was willing to go through something with her. How are you going to feel when you see this woman in your home, with your husband, even if they remain “just as friends?”

In relation to the person you are seeing: if he’s gone long periods without talking to you - why is that? Surely you deserve someone that will treat you with a tad more respect than that? Doesn’t it hurt you that he clears off for however long? I think you have to think about what emotional issues is he hiding where he thinks it’s ok to disappear for an age, and then come back to you when it suits him? Of course he knows you’re going to be hanging onto his every word - what an ego boost for him. Blech. If he seems distracted online, how do you know he isn’t feeding a line to anyone else? You don’t. Unless you are in the same room as him, you don’t kow what he’s doing.

“Hope clouds observation” - is that what’s going on here?

I think you both need to decide, without any outside distraction for either of you, if your marriage is worth saving. Only you and your husband can answer that.

I think if you come to the decision that it is not, then you need to find your way in life, and again, you need to do it without leaning on someone who is a tosser. Just think: if this other man is treating you like this - he won’t say how he feels; he leaves you for periods of time; he’s “distracted” etc and you are only friends at this stage, I can’t see him being any different in a full blown relationship.

Best of luck to you.

Should you give up on men? heh. Tempting, isn’t it? :wink:

5

:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

Good Lord, woman! I am stunned. I’m not saying you should have ill feelings against this woman, but you shouldn’t be putting her up in your place, either. Sounds a little masochistic.

IMO, get out of the marriage. Sooner the better. Then have a little fun.

6

Well that is the thing, these friends are online too and know him too. We all met at the same forum, anyway the one girl…is very moody…she changes who she is mad at and who she hates all the time. One day she is like You and Him should come to Disney World with me and my boyfirend…and another day she is like He is just Using you…That is why I came here, to get some opinions from people who don’t know either of us.

One thing all my friends say, which I agree with, I am letting guys involve to much of my life. I agree, I am going to take sometime for myself…but does that mean I should cut ties and not talk to this guy at all???
**

I hope so! Cause no matter how many times I wonder…I know he is a great guy, and will make some girl very happy someday.

7

I agree…but I also know that even if we had no friends…which we didn’t before we met these people, we just sat in different rooms all the time, basically other than sex, we were just roommates, which did our own thing.

I have no Idea but I will tell you tomorrow night, as we are picking her up at the airport at 4:30pm. At this point I feel excited about her coming cause:

  1. I want to see how she deals with being in a whole different world. She is from England. I have talked to her and she is a sweet girl.

  2. At this point I just want my husband to be happy, and I know that if he mets her…he will know what he wants…and if we stay together or still get divorced. He and I won’t wonder “what if” forever.

Because he is big into movies and news…and he will get to reading articles and surfing the net and not come back for a while. Also before he was an Admin, so he would be dealing with people and other Admins in convos.

Well to be totally honest, I am use to it, and figure it is part of his personalility. It only hurts when I really want to talk to him about something important, and he doesn’t…also If I am in convos with freinds that helps.

I agree, I know he knows I am totally crazy about him, and I know that is flattering and it makes you feel really good. Especially when you are single. I do take into consideration that he was cheated on, and that he doesn’t want to get hurt again, and having feelings for a married women, could cause pure heart ache, “if” my husband and I stay together…but at this point. As I have told him, it is over.

True I don’t, but I know most girls wouldn’t put up with the silence as long as I have, and as far as I know he has never lied to me, I trust him. If he is, well I want him to be happy too. Cause no matter what happens…he will always be my friend FIRST!!!

I think very much so…

Good Idea :smiley:

8

hey, Truth :slight_smile:

**

okeydokey: I understand what you mean. But, that’s all the more reason to make a clean break, without the distractions mentioned previously.

**

heh, well, it’s not something that I could have done, so, best of luck with it :wink: As for your husband being happy: well, with his loss of job, with him not knowing what (or who?) he wanted, maybe he was / is depressed about something in your relationship and wasn’t thinking too straight? I think it’s great if you can wish him happiness, but, don’t sacrifice yourself in the process, y’know?

**

ahh. You meant whilst online with him there are breaks? heh, that’s sort of understandable. I thought you meant IRL he wondered off and you had no contact. heh. :smack:

**

ok: but, follow it up if that is the case: make the divorce happen etc. Above all else, be clear in your own mind the reasons why it’s over; that it can’t ever be salvaged, and know that whatever happens with this new potential bloke, you got to where you are for you. I know you most likely know this already, but, just reinforcing it. :wink:

**

well, like I said, just be happy for you: you can’t please everyone all the time.

I do sincerely hope it works out - whichever way it falls. :smiley:

9

Thank you for everything…it gave me a lot to think about and consider. I just needed some solid advise, without the outside emotions and distractions. Thank you all alot.:slight_smile:

10

Truth, just a bit more advice from someone who’s had a few hard knocks.

In response to Carodin’s statement,

you wrote

I have been there. At 23, I didn’t date because I had the idea that I was unlikable and unlovable. For that matter, it was less than a year ago I told two very dear friends that I didn’t need human contact because I didn’t think it was available to me. I don’t know you very well yet, of course, but I have seen nothing in your posts that would indicate that you should not be treated with respect. If anything, by the way you’ve put things and by your willingness to consider new things and change, your more worthy than some who’ve passed through here.

I’ll echo those who’ve already said take some time for yourself before getting involved with someone else. I know a few guys who’d make some girl happy today, including one I go to church with. The problem is, I’m not the girl. I’m no expert in love and relationships – I’ve only been in love once and that didn’t pan out – but I am a firm believer in being friends with a man first. If it’s worth having, if it was meant to be, it will survive. Your life has changed radically, including, I suspect some of your beliefs. At the risk of sounding New-Agey, get to know yourself first, not as someone’s wife or daughter, but as Truth.

Welcome to the Boards, by the way. I look forward to reading more from you,
CJ

11

Truth,
I strongly agree with cjhoworth regarding your need to take time for yourself and assess who you are, what are your options, and what do you want to do with your life before even considering a relationship. I have heard it said that the breakup of a marriage “typically” takes around two years to recover from emotionally. I don’t recommend adhering to a rigid time table, but I do strongly recommend that you establish yourself as a healthy, independent human being before dealing with a relationship.

12

“Love him or Leave him?”.

You can do both.

13

I just went through an experiance where I or months to figure out what this guy thought of me, whether he wanted to have a relationship or just a roll, whether he would be right for me. In the course of that time, he went from flirty-sweet to distant and cold. Turns out that while I was talking to all of my friends, trying to analyse everything he did or said, he was talking to an ex-two night stand of mine, which whom I am no longer friendly. As a result, by the time I finally decided to tell this guy what I needed to tell him, he had become soured on me. I can’t help but think that if I had moved on the situation three months before how differently it would have turned out. It’s quite possible we would have gotten together and broken up by now, but at least it would have BEEN.

On the other hand, I come from this experiance two years from my last relationship. I am a BIG believer in alone-time between relationships. Of which I’ve had a LOT of. You haven’t. I say give yourself some time where you focus on getting to know yourself NOT in the space of a relationship. And since you like this guy, it’s unlikely that you could have a causal relationship with him. If I were you, and I had the experiance of my recent boy-troubles behind me, I would pour myself a stiff drink, get my ciggies handy, and call friend-boy up. And ask the questions I really want to know. Be completely honest. Your friendship, if it is that strong, will survive honesty. And if it is not, then it’s not worth your time.

Good luck.