My husband and I have been married for almost 11 years. We are both 33 and have no children. Over the course of the marriage my husband has kissed me (as in really kissed me) maybe 4 or 5 times. At my promting we have sex 1 or 2 times a year. There is no making out and he never initiates anything. A decade of rejection has had a profound effect on my self esteem. He was abused sexually as a child and I think this plays a huge role in how he is with intimacy. He is currently in therapy for this. He insists that he is not gay just not into kissing and sex.
I’ve never been unfaithfull to him but i’ve always known that if the right man came along I would probaby leave him and pursue a new relationship. The reasons I havent left yet are he really is a nice man. Very kind, gentle, smart and a good provider which makes it very convienient to stay.
Well now i’ve met someone else. Hes just want i want in a man. Kind, gentle, smart but also very affectionate, loves just kissing me and tells me i’m beautiful.
After months of sneaking around I told my husband on the weekend. He cried, went for a walk to compose himself then came back and we talked. He said that he had never had romantic feelings for me and that he had stayed with me all these years because he felt sorry for me. That hurt. He says that if i can find happines with this other man then i should give it a try. But he also says that he will be so lonely and doesnt know what he ‘s going to do with his life. He says he wishes he felt romanticly towards me but he just doesnt. He says maybe he can change. I have no hope that he can. He cant’ make himself feel something he doesnt. My new love wants me to move in with him. I want to be with him too. But I worry so much about my husband. I guess i’m the one who feels sorry for him now. And I vowed to be with him for the rest of my life.
I’m just really confused. I know I want to be with the other man but is it morally wrong for me to leave my husband?
No, it’s not morally wrong for you to leave your husband. If everything is as you say - he admits he doesn’t have the feelings towards you that a husband should have, you have no children, and you’re not all that wild about him, either - I’d say go for it. Maybe not move in with this other guy right away, but separate from your husband, date the other guy, and see how it goes.
There’s no reason to stay in a childless marriage that both of you admit isn’t great.
You might want to go see a therapist. I was in a situation similar to yours, and went into therapy because I couldn’t quite believe that I wanted a divorce. I went in expecting the therapist to offer me techniques and methods to save my marriage; after I laid it all out to him, he said “Well, it sounds to me like you’ve made up your mind. What we need to do now is work through the guilt feelings.” Which we did. I did feel guilty, felt like I was giving up, felt like I should work harder at making the marriage work. What the therapist got through to me is that it wasn’t morally wrong to leave a marriage that wasn’t working. It was a big life change, but being young and childless it wasn’t a huge deal to divorce. I did, went after the man that turned out to be the love of my life, and am now exponentially happier than I would have been had I stayed in the yucky marriage.
Leave him. It’s the best thing for both of you. You’ve already “wasted” ten or more years of your life in a loveless marriage. One decade. Don’t let it become two. You will, trust me, I know, pine for the time you’ve lost.
You can still be there for him as a friend, help him, support him in his recovery from child sex abuse, but enjoy your own life.
Thought someone might suggest marriage counseling. Solo therapy to get you through guilt or tell you want you want to hear is fine, but I’d suggest at least trying that before heading to divorce court.
I would suggest marriage counseling if I read anywhere in the post where they have a marriage. I don’t get the impression from the post they do. They have a marriage on paper only. It certainly isn’t how I think marriage should be defined nor does it seem like either spouse is happy.
Sex 1 or 2 times a year? 10 times or less is defined as being a sexless marriage and is grounds for a divorce right there.
Be your husband’s friend. Try to help him where you can but starting living your life.
I might have suggested marriage counseling, but considering that both parties in this marriage have essentially said something to the effect of “I never felt any attraction towards you, and stayed with you because I felt sorry for you/you were nice/until something better came along” I don’t think there’s much use in doing so. What, exactly, is there to salvage out of a mess like that?
I’d recommend leaving him, getting some counseling, and see how your life goes from there.
Well, I wouldn’t be satisfied with a nonsexual marriage. Given that there are no children involved, that you’re not satisfied with the situation, and that there doesn’t seem to be much hope for improvement, the only good argument for staying is that you vowed to, which ought to mean something, but I don’t think it outweighs the reasons for leaving.
I’m curious: how much kissing and sexual attraction/interaction did you have with your husband before you married him? I’m not sure whether it’s relevant; but if he faked being sexually interested in you, you sort of married under false pretenses, which would be one good reason not to feel guilty about ending the marriage.
Keep in mind that the thing with this new guy might not last. His attraction for you may have a big component of infatuation, romantic novelty, or the thrill of the forbidden to it that would wear off in time if you saw him regularly in a non-sneaky way. So be prepared for the possibly that, if you leave your husband, you may find yourself on your own and have to take care of yourself (which is not necessarily a bad thing).
So my advice, for what it’s worth, would be to end the marriage, but not necessarily to move in with the new guy right away. Of course, whatever anybody else says, it’s your decision, your life, and you have to live with the consequences.
I would say leave him and start the life you want. If he truly is the nice guy you say he is, you may be able to remain friends with him and still be able to support him with his troubles.
[Prof. Charles Xavier]
Why do you ask questions to which you already know the answers?
[/PCX]
Sounds to me like you’re treading dangerously close to cheating on him, which IMHO is never acceptable. If you’re that miserable, I’d say leave him. But I suspect that you’ve already made up your mind and are just looking for validation.
I mentioned counselling because there may be other underlying reasons. She mentioned he’s in therapy for abuse, but failed to mention if there were any medications. For 8 months I was on Paxil and it just killed my libido, couldn’t have cared less about sex and that was after recently being married. We decided to talk to the doctor, he recognized that’s what it was, ended the script and now we’re going like bunnies again.
I was only offering one more avenue to try. But if you both want out, I guess nothing would help. Good luck to both and hope you find happiness somewhere.
There was never much sex or kissing even before we married but at the time I liked it because in my previous relationship I was pretty much expected to “put out” up to three times a day. I was always sore and kind of felt like a piece of meat or something. So when this gentle man who just wanted my friendship came along I happily accepted it.
I am in councelling as well because I have such self esteem issues. We have talked about marital counselling but neither of us can see how someone else is going to be able to make us feel something we dont.
As for the new relationship my intention is to move in with him with the expectation that i’m going to have to find work and get my own place. I dont want to be living with him for the wrong reasons. I think he and I could really have a future as long as we take our time and not rush things.
I may be going out on a limb here but I take it you are not currently working? Having been through divorce as well, I agree with what most people have posted. Get out and start enjoying your life, however, why jump from the fire directly into a frying pan?
What is wrong with you becoming self-sufficent BEFORE you start getting to serious with the new guy? Why put that type of pressure on a new relationship? Find a job first, find a new place, and file for a divorce. If the new guy is worth it, he will be waiting for you to get YOUR life back together on YOUR terms.
It is far better to stand on your own two feet than have the need to rely on someone else who may start resenting the fact that they were your “transistion” person if things start going badly.
yarwitz, it doesn’t sound like you’re in a marriage now, so it doesn’t seem like you’re actually giving anything up.
I would suggest, before you move in with your new love, that you take some time and live on your own, to establish your own self-esteem. It sounds like Guy #1 treated you like a sex object, Guy #2 treated you like a roommate. You’ve been at different extremes, and I think you need some time to figure things out.
You’re in counselling, so keep that up. Date Guy #3 by all means, but take it very slowly, so you can be sure this one is a keeper.
Hmmm…lemme dig around. I was told that number by a friend in counseling recently. I also have seen it around here a good bit in various threads. I also remember reading that particular stat in a study about marriage…but darn if I can’t find the link.
I’ll check and see if I can find appropriate linkage.
Well, I have to think maybe yarwitz’s husband isn’t really such a nice man after all. Nice men don’t tell you they’ve only stuck around because they felt sorry for you, then turn around and tell you that they’re going to be so miserably lonely without you and they just don’t know what they’ll do, and maybe they can change and make you happy. The former is an insult, the latter is a guilt-trip. Truly nice men don’t pull that sort of crap.
So, basically, it comes down to a fairly basic choice about how you want to live the rest of your life: Are you willing to live with a not-so-nice roommate and an occasional pity fuck, or do you want to move on and hope for bigger and better things?
If you choose to move on, I think you should put man #2 on the back burner for a while, until you get on your feet and get your shit together. I don’t want to sound like a jerk, but it sounds like you’ve got some very deepseated issues about your own worth, and it sounds like they predate your marriage. Not being able to so no to sex when you’re tired and sore and feel like a piece of meat, then latching onto the very next guy who comes along and sticking with him through eleven years of not having your physical and emotional needs met, then meeting a pretty nice guy and thinking maybe he’s The One…well, it sounds unhealthy to me. It sounds like you don’t feel like your wants and needs are valid, and that’s going to make it really hard for you to form a strong, healthy relationship with this new guy. And if he truly is The One, he’ll understand and be willing to wait for you.
For the record, I don’t see anything immoral about leaving your husband under these circumstances. You don’t have a marriage in any sense but the legal one. In the emotional and spiritual sense, you aren’t married at all. As for the promises you made, he promised to love and cherish you forever, and we all see how long that lasted.
I’m with the “take some time off before you move in with the other dude” crowd. Even if you do end up divorcing your husband, the new guy is not a sure thing, and you could be setting yourself up for a disaster.
Work this thing out with your husband first–and by that I mean either way…stay or go (personally, if I were in your shoes, I’d go). During that time, look for employment and take steps to get self-sufficient.
It doesn’t seem like this has to be resolved with any bitter feelings. It seems like you two communicate, which is great, but it’s a shame the affection wasn’t there.
JMO, but my gut feeling is that he’s gay, but doesn’t want to admit it. Leaving him may be the best thing for both of you, although, at first, it’ll be difficult to adjust to. But I think, once he’s free, he’ll realize why he isn’t interested in sex with you, and figure out who he wants to have sex with.
As for you, don’t move to hastily out of neediness. End the first relationship before diving headfirst into another.
I agree with the crowd that is rapidly growing here. Don’t move in with the new guy right away. I think that you want to be out of the situation you are in, but you need some time to stand on your own two feet and decide what you want. Moving out of one guy’s house into another is not particularly sound advice.
I’m feeling so terrible right now. I cant stay with my husband out of pity. But how do you say ‘good bye’? Dispite everything we are still on good terms. Its not going to get ugly or anything.
I know it seems that i’m jumping into another relationship. I’ve thought long and hard about it though and I dont really think that I am. I really havent been in a relationship for years. My husband works all day, comes home, eats then pretty much falls asleep infront of the tv. So i’ve been alone for years.
I just got off the phone with Henry*, the other man. He’s 40. He wants me to move in and stay so I comprimised with staying for a couple of months while I save first and last months rent, then getting my own place.
I’m so afraid of getting burned in all this. I dont’ give my heart lightly. I gave it only once truely. That was to Greg*, my husband. I thought i’d be with Greg forever. I tried so many times to make the marriage work only to be rejected over and over. I just dont want to be in this position again 10 years from now.
