Did you ever live in Green River, Wyoming?
Seriously. If you did email me. The address is in the bio thingie.
Wow 
What a mess, and I’m sorry this is happening to you
I’m generally really really against divorce in most cases …
But your husband is telling you to go, basically. It’s awful that he’s so messed up. And this isn’t about you getting your needs met. It’s about whether or not the two of you can make it work, and it doesn’t sound like either of you want to, or are able to. Thank God you don’t have kids, really. And it sounds as though he is gay. Lots of gay men marry women and pretend for years, unfortunately. He may not be acting on it, but assuming there’s nothing wrong physically, he should be wanting to have sex a lot more often. It’s just the way humans are wired, we wanna do it.
Can I suggest something, though? Don’t sleep with this new guy yet if you haven’t already, and if you have, stop. It’s tacky to be sleeping with someone else when the divorce isn’t even final, I think. I understand this new guy is great, but there should be some respect for your husband even if it’s already over, IMHO. And plus in the end it just makes you look bad, like you left your husband for the new guy and that you couldn’t waaaaaaaaaaaait to hop into bed. Please note I realize that is NOT the case. But I assume your reputation is clean and you’d like it to stay that way. Don’t think for a minute that word’s not gonna get out about the new guy, and if people know you were shacking with him 6 months before you even got a divorce, it really could bite you in the ass years down the road. I’m not saying it should. But it could. You know how people are.
And don’t move in. Even if your marriage has totally sucked, you’re still gonna need some healing time. If this new guy loves you, he’ll wait, he really will. A year of him waiting, with you living alone and getting your own life in order isn’t too much to ask from him.
**Yarwitz ** , I really don’t know a nics way to say this, but from what you’ve posted already about “Greg” and “Henry”, and how you don’t want to be in the same place ten years from now–I think that you are headed that way if you move in with a guy that fast. You said that you thought long and hard, and how you want to take things slow, but did you think about how moving in with someone right away IS moving too fast?
Being alone is scary. It really is, but if you have those issues you talked about, and you said how he wants you to move in and stay, and your compromise is only staying a few months, that is a warning sign to me. Maybe he’s a perfectly nice guy and “The One”, but I am wary of people who want super intimacy super fast. Moving in with someone is really intimate.
This is all IMHO, of course. Have you talked about this with your therapist?
Actually, I’ve seen this several places. The foremost place that I’ve seen it in print is The Sexless Marriage. A very good book, even if my wife refuses to read it.
And I though that my 5-6 times a year was bad. Sheesh!
I would make a clean break. That is what both parties seem to want, thus it will be easier. Your (ex)husband will find happiness somewhere else.
yarwitz Isn’t there any place else you could go while you save up for first and last month’s rent? I think that moving in with the intention of moving out after a couple of months is pretty much just moving in.
Even though you’ve been emotionally finished with this relationship for a while you really do need to spend some time taking care of yourself before you get too deep into the next relationship.
Can your husband loan you the $$ to get yourself established? What about parents, siblings, friends, family? Can you stay with any of them while you get your stuff together?
My last husband and I lived together for 6 weeks after we agreed to divorce. Slept in the same bed during that time. There were tense moments but we both knew it was what we wanted and in that time he was able to find an apartment deal where he didn’t have to pay rent for the first 4 months (some kind of move in special). That was all the time we needed to sell the house and split the equity.
Remember, even if you haven’t worked outside the marriage, you are still entitled to half the marital assets and that includes real estate, cars, 401Ks, IRAs and retirement plans even if you haven’t specifically contributed to them. You could use part of what you have coming to you from these items to establish a residence and live while you’re looking for a job.
Take care of yourself. You don’t have to take him to the cleaners but you also don’t have to just walk with nothing. Don’t let guilt push you into giving up more than you need to, you have to live too. If you both know this is right then do it, be as kind as possible but remember to take care of yourself.
Good luck to you.
As one whose marriage is officially ending in less than 24 hours, I cannot support strongly enough those who have said “Find yourself first”. I’ve been on my own for six months now and haven’t been this happy with myself for a long time.
I think it’s great that you’re finding your emotional needs are being filled with Greg, but don’t mistake that for a relationship that works. Those take a lot longer to build, and should really start with two individuals who are completely free to give their love and affection (ie not sneaking around on a spouse). By all means continue to date Greg while the divorce is being settled, and if he’s there for you during those months, take it further. But don’t go for the whole enchilada in one fell swoop. Being by yourself (not alone, necessarily) will really help you to define who you are as a person, rather than define who you are in the context of an intimate relationship. Which is what can happen all too often if you move straight out of one relationship into another.
Just my 2¢. I’d offer more, but the lawyer’s bill fell due last week. 
yarwitz, everyone else has pretty much covered all the emotional aspects of this, so I’m going to get all practical on your butt…
Don’t Move Anywhere Until You’ve Consulted An Attorney!
I am not a lawyer, so I won’t even venture to give you any specific legal advice other than that you will be entitled to your share of the joint home and, if you’re not working and he’s supporting you financially, you could be entitled to spousal support. If you leave, there’s a possibility that you could be giving up rights you have upon the dissolution of your marriage.
Call an attorney.
And don’t go anywhere until you do.
Best of luck – I wish you all the happiness you’re seeking.
Relationship advice is pretty much useless, but what the hell:
If I were you, I’d get separated from your current husband and move into your own place. I wouldn’t move in with the other guy right away. Rebounding can have ugly consequences. Be independant for a while. If I were you, I’d be looking at my life currently and saying “why’d I stay with someone for so long when there was nothing there?” Usually, whatever the answer to that question happens to be, it indicates some difficulty being outside of the comfort of a relationship. That diffuculty is what landed you in your current situation. You don’t want to go and recreate that problem, no matter how great guy #2 seems presently. That doesn’t mean you cut things off with #2, you just take things slow and easy. If, in a year or so (the typical span of a lease for an appartment, right?), you’re still digging guy #2, get hitched, or whatever you feel moved to do. If not, you’re not co-habitating in another dead-end relationship and wondering what you’ll do.
I say leave him. I would say that even if you had not found someone else.
I say DON’T move in with the other guy. Take it slowly. Be sure. There is nothing worse than 2 failed marriages (except maybe 3.)
From a crass legal standpoint, don’t move in with the other guy. It will hurt your case in court.
It is OK to want to be happy.
Good luck.
Definately leave. It isnt fair to you. You now have the oppurtunity for romance and love, so take it.
Please take this for what it’s worth for someone whose love life has been as nonexistent as mine has been recently…even more than this, I’d be asking myself what made me decide to marry my husband in the first place. Of course it’s nice to have friends who are nice to you, but you don’t need to marry them.
Unlike too many people, you seem to have a good sense of the seriousness of the commitment, and of breaking it. But you’ve had more than one romantic relationship in your life, so what made you decide to stick with one which you say was never really what a marriage should be founded on anyway?
I also would reinforce what everyone has said about not jumping into another serious relationship right away, and taking some time to figure out what’s going on with you. Guy #3 may make you happy right now, and who knows? he may continue to do so. But it may not last, either.
Actually, she told him about the attraction to the new guy. I don’t call it cheating if the other person knows about it. Sex outside of marriage, yes. But not cheating.
It extra-marital relationships aren’t mutually pre-agreed by both spouses, it’s cheating, all right. When a couple enters a marriage with a view toward mutual monogamy, they’ve entered into a contract, and one person doesn’t just get to unilaterally change the terms of that contract. It doesn’t matter if you decide that “forsaking all others” should be amended to “forsaking all those I haven’t told you about”; if the other party hasn’t agreed to such a change and has acted in good faith that the relationship is mutually monogamous, sleeping with other people is a breach of faith. It’s just being honest about cheating is all. It’s like rolling a four, then announcing you’re moving your piece six spaces instead and fitting the action to the word. Whether you lie about it or not, you’re still not playing by the pre-agreed rules. You’re still cheating.
I know that I have been having an affair. But in my heart it didnt really seem like it. I havent felt like I was in a relationship for years. But I know that what I was doing was wrong. I guess I dont really feel like I am cheating now because my husband knows all about it. He knows that i’m going to see the other man this weekend.
My husband has been saying that he thinks that maybe, with time, he can get the kind of feelings for me that he wishes he had. I dont’ have any hope for that, to be honest. For so many years I’ve asked him to go to counciling with me, to do anything he needs to do to try to make the marriage work. I feel a lot of resentment that now, 11 years into the marriage he feels like trying. What if I had never met this other man, would he just let things go on as they are? Confidant that i’d never leave him and that my needs just arent that important?
I know I hold some responsibility for the failure of the marriage because it does take two. But my conscience is clear that I did all I could to try to make it work. The whole thing is very sad. I cant believe that my marriage is ending. The unknowns are terrifying.
Thanks to all for your input here.
If you told your husband that you’re seeing this guy and he’s okay with it, you’re not cheating. You’ve just mutually renegotiated the contract. If he’s not okay with it, you’re still bound by the original contract.
As for his sudden change of heart re: trying to make it work, he might have felt like trying if you’d never met somebody else. Maybe. I wouldn’t have held my breath, though. After all, not trying was a lot more convenient than trying, just like sticking around was more convenient for you than leaving.
Nothing wrong with staying friends. Sounds like that’s how it started and perhaps how it could stay. Some couples make the mistake of trying to be something more than they are and get married when friendship is their real top rung. Sounds like you both said “good bye” to the intimacy in the marriage a LONG time ago.
Yes, you are jumping into another relationship. You are still struggling about your commitment to your husband. Your marriage may be non-existant in the intimacy department, but you apparently stayed for 11 years for whatever reason.
Suggestion: you might be better off borrowing first and last months’ rent and starting out with your own place. Henry wants you there with him. Unless he has an awesome amount of integrity (remember, he has been dating a married woman all this time), how likely is it that he will be totally OK with you moving back out after a few months?
None of us can predict where we will be 10 years from now (or 10 days from now, for that matter). So getting into that is an exercise in futility. And in all honesty, Greg didn’t “burn” you. Neither of you communicated with each other about the very thing that was such a huge problem in your marriage. And you were the one who initiated an affair with someone else. No judgement from me… just trying to clarify things.
Could Henry burn you? Sure, he could. I am assuming you haven’t been with this man for all that long, and it sure looks better on the surface than what you have right now. I guess my suggestions would be these: (1) As well as you can right now, end your marriage peacefully and put it to rest BEFORE you even consider moving in with Henry. (2) Consider involving your husband in your counseling if your therapist is OK with it. The purpose is NOT to save the marriage, but to make the transition through a divorce easier for both of you. (3) Live on your own for at least 6-12 months before you jump into another cohabitation setup, with Henry or anyone else. Give your relationship with Henry time to be what it’s going to be. Frankly, I am suspicious of the agenda and the emotional baggage of a man who knowingly gets intimately involved with a married woman, and wants to rescue her. There is some drama there that just doesn’t sit right with me. Whatever you decide to do, all my very best to you.
yarwitz, based on your OP i’m repeating what others have already said to stress the importance of not moving in with this new guy yet, whatever the reasons. it doesn’t matter who’s right or wrong. what’s most important now is to get your self esteem going and stand on your own for a while. moving in even temporarily now would be a bad idea.
Yarwitz, I know you only asked for opinions and direction, but can I ask a few questions here? If you are not open for these questions, I understand and you are free to go to the next post.
Were you out of your first marriage before you became involved with your current husband? If so, for how long? How long have you known Henry? How long have you and Henry had romantic feelings for each other? You mentioned that Greg told you he has stayed with you all these years because he felt soory for you… what is it about you that he felt he needed to pity you? In this day and age, with no children, any special reason why you don’t have a job/career? You are obviously not independently wealthy or even have a steady alternate income (e.g., trust fund, inheritance, etc.), if you are unable to come up with first and last month’s rent. So with the ongoing thoughts you said you have had that you would leave if you met someone else, why have you not established an independent income for yourself?
And I have to throw out an observation here that may be erroneous, but I’ll say it anyway. You appear to view yourself as a damsel in distress who has been looking for a knight in shining armor to rescue you. Henry seems to fit the bill, doesn’t he? But my guess is that you also saw Greg as someone who was going to rescue you from your first husband. Right now I think you are only guessing at what would be healthy for you and you have no clue because you don’t seem to have much of a personal identity. Please understand, I am not trying to slam you here. I am strongly urging you to continue your counseling and put Henry on hold until (1) you have concluded your marriage to Greg, and (2) you are working actively on your own identity. I still wish you VERY well in your life.
By the way, what does your therapist say about all this?
I wasnt married to the other guy I’ve mentioned. But we were engaged. And yes, I was still engaged to him when I started dating my husband. I have known Henry for 4 months. we’ve had romantic feelings for three months. I think my husband pittied me because I was seriously abused as a child from infancy till I moved out at 18. I dont have a job because my social anxiety got progressivly worse, I’m now on medication, with that and cognitive behavioural therapy it seems to have disappeared entirely. I’m ready to go back to work now, though.
I just so dont want to stay here while I make some money. For one thing i’m going to be in a program for women in transition re-entering the work force. I get free education with that program too. If i’m working, i’m not eligable. I recently graduated from a program dealing with self esteem issues and actually I made huge strides there. Thats what gave me the courage to leave my husband. I just coincedently met Henry at the same time. I live in a tiny town with no resources and no support. Henry is in a big city so i’ll have access to the things I need to continue my recovery.
I hope those answers are helpfull. I’m very much interested in what you and the others think about all this. When youre right in the middle of things its very hard to be objective.
Thank you
TheLadyLion nailed it.
Any ‘big city’ has social services for single, unemployed women. If you really want to take this opportunity to become self-sufficient, now would be an ideal time. A few years ago, I found myself as a single mother, on welfare, with an infant with fairly complicated medical issues, no car, basically nothing.
The smartest thing I have ever done and ever will do was to take those circumstances and make them all work to my advantage. Every social program in town to provide any type of service to me and my child/ren was fair game to me. I got an education, a low-interest guaranteed bank loan for a car without even having a job yet, decent low-cost housing, clothes, free babysitting (respite), you name it.
I realize you don’t have children or many “special circumstances”, but you would be a low-income single woman (displaced homemaker) and there are resources out there. You may see your situation as either/or as in- either being with Greg or being with Henry. It doesn’t have to be that way. I would strongly encourage you to strike out on your own, you do have therapy right now which would help you out alot, and become self-sufficient. And oh please oh please use birth control, or you have a whole different set of issues on your hands, which you certainly don’t need.
I spent many years going from one relationship to the other, with various men that wanted to rescue the damsel in distress. They weren’t healthy relationships, and all that did was postpone the inevitable growing-up and “taking care of yourself” that I had to learn how to do. I’ve been single for 5 years now. I have a good job, a beautiful apartment, a nice new sports car, and my self-esteem, personal pride, and standards in men have gone way up, because I did it all by myself. You will, in the end, do what you feel is right for you, but I hope that hearing our viewpoints helps. Let us know what happens.