Called-Off Wedding blues

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

It happened about 2 weeks ago. We only had a approx. a month and a half to go before the wedding date. We had been together for almost 3 1/2 years (we had been engaged for the last year). I have to admit it was sudden and unexpected. The beginning of the day we were planning on getting the invatations sent out and what days I needed to take off work to get everything finalized, and then later on that night he decides he doesn’t think we should get married. He gave his reasons - we want different things and have different beliefs, love isn’t enough, he believes it won’t work because he can’t give me what I need and want and I can’t give him what he needs and wants, and etc.

The thing is there had been no fights, no arguements, everything seemed fine … it was just out of the blue. The real kick in the ass was that he doesn’t even want to be with me - at all. He says in his heart he loves and wants to be with me, but his mind is set and knows it would never work. He said it was tough, but he decided his mind was right and decided to make the hardest decision in his life and let me go.

He said I could find someone better than him who will give me what I want/need. He said I am a nice girl and that I deserve better. All the mean time I try to tell him other wise that he gives me what I need, he is the one I want to be with, I don’t want to find someone else, but he counters with “how do you know.” No matter what I say or tell him he counter with things of that sort.

I have had my week or so of depression, constant crying, being filled with anger, and at the same time put on my happy face and hold everything in around people at work and him included. Its still not over … but I am doing better. My dad seems to think he will change his mind and that right now he needs to find his place in life and what he wants in life. He says its a very bad case of cold feet … I wish my dad was right … I am not so optimistic because he definately says and believes it will never happen.

Now here is the confusing part. We still live together (bound by lease) and we are nice to each other. Its like this whole wedding thing never happened and we are back to bf and gf only we are not really bf and gf. Mom says I should be mean and horrible, but I can’t I am too nice … besides why should I fault him for doing something that he believes is right and would be the best for us and him. I don’t agree with him and still want to get married, but I have to accept the facts and move on. No reason to hate each other and never want to talk or see him again. I mean I still love him. At least we are still friends at best even though its hard knowing I want more.

Anyway to date I have told my entire family - he hasn’t told anyone on his side. I have told all our friends - he hasn’t told anyone. Rings must be taken back before they can’t be returned for full refund (they are under his card so he has to take them back) - Everyday I remind him that its getting close to where it will be too late he says he will do it tomorrow (same for telling his family). He is constantly hugging and wants to cuddle (I find it hard to resists many times because that is what I want to do - so sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t). He says that maybe someday we will get back together but then again maybe not. He says “who knows what the future holds.” After that he tells me I should give up on hope - it would make it alot easier on me. Its contradicting … one min. he himself gives me slight hope and on the other is asking me to give up on hope. So as of now I just go on day by day … thinking, crying, sometimes happy, sometimes sad, sometimes hoping, sometimes not hoping, sometimes angry, sometimes calm, peaceful, normal.

It even feels a bit more to finally speak some thoughts and feeling out. I am not looking for answers. I just needed to speak my mind and hope that maybe by doing this I can see what exactly happened and why. Thank you for listening.

kremit334

2

Aww. That sucks. I hope things turn out for the best for you soon. If this is really to be the ‘end’ of the relationship, you may want to distance yourself from him while you’re still living together. It will only make things harder if/when you do move to seperate places.

I’m sorry you’ve got such a mess. Take care, and my email is open if you need to vent, etc.

3

How old are you two?

Ageism aside, I just would like to know. Because any self-respecting man will move out and on regardless of his lease to make it easier on the other person. Especially if he is still trying to cuddle with you, something is up. You say you work with him. Hmm. So you basically know where each other is all the time right? So I couldn’t be another woman. If it is then I’d say go back to mom’s house for a couple months and find a better man. If isn’t for sure, give him an ultimatum and stand up for yourself. Self-fulfilling prophecies can wreak havok on a marriage down the road. And if he is so willing to break of a costly marriage now, “…who know what the future holds…” later in life. You may want to take this as a blessing in disguise. Imagine if you had children and this was a divorce thread.

Protect number one…yourself.

My condolences, I hope everything works out.

4

You don’t need a person like this in your life. Get him off the lease and out of your life. Or, get off the lease yourself. A person who would do this can never be trusted again.

There are good ones out there. Don’t waste your time with a loser. And, when he comes running back begging forgiveness (and if you kick him out of your life, he will) don’t you dare take him back.

To quote Tom Selleck:

“She said she needed room to grow. That surprised me. I thought I was marrying a grownup.”

5

** Phlosphr ** - I am 23 and he is 22 (everyone please refrain from saying anything like OMG you guys are too young to even be thinking of marriage - or the one I hate the most you are still “Babies” - that really urks me - not saying that anyone here would do it :slight_smile: but you never know) As for the living arrangements we both chose to live together because neither could afford to move out and both are in college - I have only 4 classes to go that is 2 semester worth of classes due to student teaching he has at least 2 or 2 1/2 years left … he doesn’t take many classes at a time. Yes we do work together in the same department here at school but in different building (we both supervise different computer labs on campus), but we do pretty much know where each other is all the time. As for another girl … nope nothing like that … which makes my mom mad because she was hoping (don’t ask she is weird and evil like that).

I don’t really understand why he = loser because of all this. I mean throughout our entire relationship he has treated me more than well. Not saying we didn’t have our mishaps and problems, but even then he never mistreated me in any way. I am not sticking up for his desision on our wedding and life together, but I know that he is a good person … just a little mixed up and confused in what he wants. As I read back through my post I realize that I didn’t paint a good picture of him at all but maybe because thats because I am blunt and straight to the point (I don’t know) but really he isn’t a bad person.

6

I agree with Philosphr - something’s up. It sounds to me like he has worse than cold feet, like he decided he didn’t want that kind of commitment but still wants the perks, like a roommate to share the rent, who he can get affection from and who really wants to make him happy. kremit334, it sounds to me like he’s jerking you around. Perhaps he doesn’t even realize it, but regardless he’s doing it. He’s leading you on, stringing you along emotionally by saying “who knows” and by wanting to cuddle. You cannot heal like this, and I think that’s why your mother is encouraging you to be mean, as at least that will help keep you from getting sucked back into his lures.

You have to move out, as soon as possible. Don’t cuddle. Don’t believe him when he says “who knows” - if he really meant that, he’d be trying to get counseling to figure out why he freaked out on you. Encourage him to do so if you have to, but don’t nag - you are just showing him that you are not going to be pulled into waiting forever for him. Forget about the rings, tell him that it’s his loss if he delays too long. Cancel the other contracts for the wedding if you haven’t, get the deposits back if you can. Give him a deadline to tell his family about the wedding cancellation (a week from now, I’d say), and if he doesn’t, sit down in front of him and write formal notices for that side. He’s not only jerking you around at this point, he’s messing with people who might be making travel arrangements and taking vacation time off. Be very calm when you explain everything to him; he is being irrational and getting openly emotional won’t help you out.

kremit334, “cold feet” is a natural feeling. However, if this man cared as deeply about you as he claims, he would be trying to work on this issue. From everything you say, what he’s doing is not facing up to it at all, and running hot and cold emotionally with you. Does this sound like a good man to marry? Or even be friends with, for that matter? You say he isn’t a bad person, but he’s definitely acting like one. His “confusion” is no excuse to hurt you by leading you on emotionally.

7

I honestly believe the best thing you two can do now is live apart. If neither is able to find someone to take over half of the lease, you need to paint a line down the middle of the house and live separate lives. Then either you’ll each discover that you can’t live without the other, or you’ll realize that your future lies elsewhere. But I see all kinds of red flags with the wanting to cuddle while not wanting a life together.

From here, I’d say you’re going to keep hurting if you don’t break it quick and clean. You’re going to have to do it, because it doesn’t sound as if he will.

Take my free advice for what it’s worth. And take care of yourself.

8

Nice quote Scylla

Trials and tribulations of being young and in love. Ahh the bliss.

I met Mrs. Phlosphr in Grad school. But we were both 26 and had been through crazy long lasting relationships where in the end were broken off not because we didn’t like the person, but because we were simply not ready for marriage.

It’s not unheard of.

I’ll not say that your age has anything to do with not being able to be in love and have a great life together. But he is giving you the signal that he does not want to marry you and just wants to be sort-of bf gf.

Take that for the action as speaking louder than his words. He doesn’t want to marry you for a reason he is not stateing succinctly.

Plenty of men out there who will love you and want to spend every waking minute with you, buy you flowers when least expected, fill your car with rose petals, draw something on paint and put it on your wallpaper in your PC, hold your hand, hug you when you don’t need it, and above all walk to the ends of the earth for the chance to show you they love you as much as you love them…

9

First let me say how sorry I am. You must be hurting more than I can imagine.

I cannot second this strongly enough. You will continue to suffer as long as you’re living together. It will not get better for you.

Good luck, dear, and please keep us updated.

10

I think your Mom is wrong. Regardless of how people treat you, you have to be the best person you can be. If being a nice person is who you are, then that’s who you should be.

However, I’ll add another voice to the growing chorus telling you to move with all due haste. He’s not telling you the whole story.

11

Some thoughts:

  1. His basic point (“we want different things and have different beliefs”) is worth thinking about.

If the two of you want different things out of life, it isn’t going to work over the long haul, no matter how comfortable you have been for the past few years. If two people are going to share their lives, then their beliefs, their goals, their worldview don’t have to be identical, but they have to be compatible.

Since I don’t know what different wants and beliefs he’s talking about, I can’t say whether this applies to the two of you. It’s up to you to make sense of this.

  1. From your description, he’s a bit too immature to get married.

a) Not telling his folks; leaving it to you to tell your mutual friends.

b) Not returning the rings. (At least with the rings being on his card, it won’t be your problem if he doesn’t return them.)

c) “He says that maybe someday we will get back together but then again maybe not.” If he believes that the two of you have incompatible beliefs and goals in life, then there’s really no point in getting back together.

d) The whole mixed-signals game. Yeesh.

Advice (worth every penny you paid):

  1. If he won’t tell his parents, write them a letter. Explain the situation, and tell them how sorry you are that they won’t be your in-laws. It may be his responsibility, but it’s well within your moral rights to take this initiative: his folks are part of your world. This needs to be out in the open, and if he won’t do so, maybe you ought to.

  2. If there’s any way you can move out, do so. If both your names are on the lease, go to your landlord and find out what you have to do to put the lease in one of your names only. But it’s absolutely no good, being under the same roof together at this time.

12

I am really sorry to hear this, but, better he’s done this now than after the wedding.

If you believe he’s very serious about calling off this wedding, you need to make sure that the members of his family are contacted immediately. People coming from out of town are taking off time and making travel plans by now–if your guy doesn’t do it today, then you need to do it. There should be no shuffling your feet on this.

And, I agree with the others that have said to move out. Staying around is going to offer more opportunity for him to confuse you and possibly hurt you even more by not being able to decide on what he wants in his life. It sounds like something more is up with him, but if he’s made the decision to not make the commitment to you, you need to create some distance between you. If you think, later on, that there may be some chance in making it work, then go ahead and try–but give the both of you some breathing room and get yourselves straight and on the right track first.

Damn straight love isn’t enough to make a marriage work. You need to be able to trust and respect your partner, too. And right now, I’d be a damned fool to trust him (in my opinion).
And I know you didn’t want to hear this, but 22 is a little young to be married. Yes, it can work. It happens often enough. But, you still have quite a bit of growth that the both of you need to do. Take your time.

I should know–I married at 21 and was divorced by 23.

13

** RTFirefly ** - actually you hit the nail on the head with your second assumption because that is one of the many reasons he gave me for calling the wedding off. As for our different beliefs they may be some maybe compatible others not. In our future I would have like to have had at least 1 child, but he doesn’t want childrent at all (but I was okay with this I mean there is more to this world than having children), our views of marriage mine I believe is forever at least I believe in it … I can’t say that if I ever get married it will turn out like that, his view of marriage is how ever long it lasts … he can never give a definate answer because he doesn’t know, I believe that there is that one who you are destine to be together (yeah I know dream world right lol) … that basically were the only difference in beliefs I was told that didn’t mesh well together.

As for living together … I really don’t mind it much … well right now … things may change if he decides to date again, but even he is well aware of this. As for being roommates we are completely compatible together right down to the nose. We just have to ** BOTH ** learn and accept that being roommates doesn’t equal acting like bf and gf. I guess you can say I really don’t want to leave …

14

Ouch. In my experience, this is another way of saying “I don’t love you, but I want to be nice and not actually say I don’t love you.”

He’s trying to let you down easy.

Let him go.

Good luck, and best wishes…

15

Get out now. Where did you live before you moved in together? There are plenty of places to go. College should be wrapping up for summer break now, if you aren’t going through the summer. Go home. Get away from him. It’s evident that you are sitting there hoping he will change his mind and make everything right again. Nothing will be the same. Even if he does change his mind, he has hurt you badly, you’ve lost your trust and faith in him, that doesn’t come back overnight if at all. I have had about this same thing happen to me, except we didn’t ‘officially’ live together. Guess what? Two years later he did come back. And we tried. But the hurt was so deep from before that I couldn’t get around it and I broke it off. You will do the same, even if he comes back. You can’t change that. So pick up your shattered heart and find a corner of your own to heal in. It does get better, but it won’t be with him.

16

Run, Run, RUN!!!

The comments about you being jerked around are seemingly accurate.

You sound like a wonderful woman, and I know the end of relationships are tough, but you WILL find someone who will care for you and treat you the way you deserve.

17

kremit said:

You just proved to yourself he is not the right guy for you. You have a maternal biological clock that will kick in.
Please save yourself the heartache…Leave now.
Damn I’ll send you the money to get your own appartment!! I see nothing but heartache in the future if you stay…

My wifes sister went through a similar relationship. I hated seeing her get drug through the mudd. Please get out.

18

I second that - get out. Virtually the same thing happened to me - he just came home one night and asked me to be out by the weekend. Four days after my birthday, one week before Christmas. He’d told me the night of my birthday that he’d love me forever. (We had bought a condo, but my name wasn’t on any of the papers because he was afraid my car payment would mess up the mortgage approval, or so he said; as if no one else with a car payment has ever gotten a mortgage. So there was a little less legal hassle to my moving out.) The day I left, he told me he still loved me, was still attracted to me, we still had a chemistry he’d never felt before, but breaking up “felt right.” I couldn’t afford to hire movers so it took me a while to get my stuff out of the house, one carload at a time, and a couple of times I stayed over in the guest room on Friday nights so I could have all day Saturday to pack. On those occasions he acted like he still wanted to be with me - we’d watch movies in the bedroom even though there was a perfectly good tv in the game room; he’d kiss me on the lips when I came in and touch me on the knee while talking, and things like that. When I called him on it, he said he “didn’t mean to send mixed messages, it was definitely over.” We agreed not to have any contact for a few months and then try being friends. All it did was hurt me all over again when we did meet. I told him we still had unresolved issues that needed to be worked out before we could truly be friends, and he proceeded to jerk me around for a few more weeks over it until I finally told him I would always love the man I used to know, but seeing as I no longer trusted the one I was talking to now, there was no point in having any further contact. Still hurts like hell a year and a half after the original breakup and a year since our last meeting.

I’ve pretty well put my life back together since then, thanks to the most wonderful girlfriends a gal could ask for and a supportive if somewhat dysfunctional family. Things aren’t perfect and I still don’t date much because I’m not going to deny some lingering issues about emotional intimacy, but there’s a nice guy that I see once a month or so who doesn’t ask too much of me, so I’m not complaining. Just please, take it from me, I’ve been in the same exact situation and if he’s decided that this is how it’s going to be, just leave and don’t look back.

For the record, I was 31 and he was 32 at the time… age didn’t have a thing to do with it, though I might say maturity level did…

19

Is there some reason you can’t tell his family?
It sounds to me like this guy is not ready for marriage. One of you two needs to move soon. If it is better for you stay, like you can line up another roomie then tell him to get out. If you find a place to go, move this weekend.

He has made a decision and he needs to live up to that decision. There is no way he should expect that your living arrangements would remain the same after calling off the wedding.

And stop with the hugging. No touching!

20

Good God, this goes beyond being adult, sophisticated, and nice, to being a trembling doormat. He dumped you, dear, and now he has the best of all worlds. A week of depression is all you’re allowing yourself? How about a screaming, red-faced, veins-popping-out, eyes-bulging screaming hissy fit while you throw his stuff out the window? Now is NOT the time to “accept the facts and move on” by respecting his right to change his mind. Now is the time to feel, and it seems to me that it would be pretty damned appropriate to fell mad as hell.

No, he’s not going to come back. Yes, he is glad you’re taking it well. But I’m concerned . . . are you burying the anger or is there no anger at all?