I had been dating this man for 3 years (then broke up for 1 year) and then dated again for the past year, till a few weeks ago, we woke up one fine morning and he stated that he thought he wanted to marry me, but now he realizes he does not love me enough.
This man was the love of my life, and I have never been so devastated. He was my best freind and I loved him so completely. We were so happy!
Anyway, so I emailed him a few times, begging him to reconsider etc. and he has been SO COLD.
It feels like he is a completely different person suddenly.
I know time is all that will help me, but GOD!!!
This sucks. He has broken my heart.
I really feel like giving up on the idea of love and marriage. I really do.
I’ve been on the receiving end of the cold-shoulder/broken heart combo. Twice.
The first time, I did a variation of what you did. I talked to him while crying and asked him to reconsider, what could I do, did I need to change, and so forth. Naturally, his shoulder got even colder and I eventually crept away in humiliation and heartbreak. I did get over it once I completely cut him out of my life. Once I decided to do that, my recovery went remarkably well and quickly.
The second time my heart was broken (with a different man, though), I thought about how the first heartbreak had gone. This was significantly more painful the second time around, but the minute my SO launched into “the talk”, I decided to take a different approach.
Yes, I was devastated. Heartbroken and felt desperately that I’d do anything if he’d reconsider breaking with me. I was in agony and decided this was it; I wasn’t going to love anyone else again. How could I love anyone else after what he’d meant to me?
The funny thing (well, not funny “haha” funny - but sad funny) is that we’d gone to eat dinner at a restaurant when he started in on “the talk”. We were finishing up when this happened. He finished his obviously prepared speech and I managed to keep a straight face somehow.
I was in shock but somehow I got through it. I pondered over it, then looked him in the eyes and said, “Okay - if you’re sure this is what you want.” He replied that it was. I thought for a few moments and then said, “Okay, then.” I got up from the table and started walking out. It was one of the most painful moments and I was having a terrible time fighting back my urge to cry.
The sad-funny part is that he obviously didn’t expect it to go that way. I turned the corner to head for the front door of the restaurant and saw him walking briskly after me.
To paraphrase:
“Silver, are you okay?”
“Why are you asking?”
“Well -”
“I’m fine. I understand the reasons you gave me for breaking up. I accept nothing will change your mind and that this is what you want to do. I still love you and wish you well but I won’t waste time fighting a losing battle.”
He was very taken aback. It was very clear he didn’t expect that to happen. Well - neither did I. I wanted nothing more than for him to throw his arms around me and tell me he was a stupid fool for ever thinking he could live without me.
But, in reality, I walked out, got in my car and cried the whole way home. I had to pull over a couple of times. Pretty obvious now why he called unexpectedly and suggested meeting for dinner after work - not picking me up to go to dinner, but meet for dinner. Never saw it coming.
A couple of hours after I got home he started ringing my phone off the hook but I refused to answer. He left various messages on my machine asking if I was okay. He left a message on my work voice mail as well asking me if I was okay, he was sorry, never meant to hurt me, it was best this way, and so forth.
It took all the willpower I could muster not to call him back. It took every ounce of courage and strength I could find not to go to him. It hurt like hell and I cried every night for weeks.
A few close friends took matters into their own hands and refused to allow me to sit home alone at night and wallow in my misery. They picked me up and we went out just about every other night. They took me to dinner, took me out with them to clubs, whatever they were doing. I’m so grateful to them to this day for what they did for me. Distraction - the key.
I’ll stop rambling now and get to the point: It’s done. Even today I want to cringe thinking about how much he hurt me. But I did myself an enormous favor by completely cutting him out of my life. I refused to call him or take his calls. (Might not be possible if you lived together - altogether different if you need to get stuff out - give him stuff back.)
He’s made his decision and you won’t deter him from it. Don’t try. Lick your wounds, let your heart mend, don’t sit home alone and wallow. Go out, however much you might want to sit home and grieve. Don’t spend hours and hours rehashing what you could have done differently - there isn’t anything you could have done differently.
I know the hurt you’re going through. I’ve been there. Maybe cutting him off completely isn’t something you can bring yourself to do. But try, because the less contact you have, the fewer reminders of your hurt and grief. Don’t call, e-mail or visit him and don’t take his calls if he calls you. Don’t answer if he e-mails and don’t see him if it’s not absolutely necessary. It will help you move on and find the one who is meant to be with you forever.
Don’t give up on finding love and marriage. I found it and you will too.
Sage advice. As well, gather up any and all mementos of him–letters, birthday cards, pictures, whatever you have that reminds you of him–and wallow in how much you love him. Then deface and defile them. Then into the trash they go. Then get out there in the dating world ASAP. Even if you have no intentions of getting serious, it helps to remind you that this guy is not the whole world.
No, it doesn’t really help. But it gives you something to do.
It sounds like this guy doesn’t have a clue what he wants. Run far far away until he does. If he comes crawling back, then the ball is in your court. Good luck.
And a note to every person on the planet. Begging isn’t attractive.
“The tears of the world are a constant quantity: for every one who begins somewhere to weep, somewhere else another stops. The same is true of the laugh…it is true that the population has increased.”
As I always say, there’s nothing like a little Godot to cheer you up when you’re feeling blue. Seriously, I’m sorry for your pain, especially the sheer perverse necessity of it – you can’t “fix” this, and even if you could, you shouldn’t – but the key to surviving these things is merely, as Irving said, to “keep passing the open windows.” Eventually you will rediscover the things that made you enjoy and even prefer your own company, and appreciate the freedom you have to explore them. His happiness isn’t your problem any longer, so you can start (and you’d better) taking care of your own. As to the aptness of the Beckett line, consider this: somewhere, some deserving fellow has lucked out big time – he just doesn’t know it yet.
Take care. Eat enough. Go outdoors. Give yourself treats.
Wise advice from all and much apprciated. My ex is significantly older than me, and he SHOULD know what he wants by now. Plus he has had years to decide if I was the one ( he told me last Sept. that I was the one but he has since changed his mind). His family was like mine and it hurts so badly to lose it all, but I am in Phase II now at least and getting angry.
I cried for weeks and am now the proud user of anti-depressants and sleeping pills.
Now I am angry. I wasted YEARS of pretty youth on this guy, while he KNEW all along that he was never going to marry me.
And now, after years of being best freinds and in love, he can just COLDLY walk away and tell me to “take care” “he will always think of me fondly” “I am the nicest person he has ever known” “he loves me, but not enough to spend his life with me” “he loves me more like a friend”!!!
I hate him for hurting me, and for making me doubt love. I hate him for letting me get to a point that I felt begging someone to love me was OKAY!!!
And sincerely Thanks for all the stories and advice yall. I really appreciate it.
But now that you seem to be recovering…it sucks worse to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.
I have those wasted years regrets sometimes over my ex-husband. And then I remember than if I hadn’t wasted those years, I’d have been in a different place in my life and might have missed the opportunity for the husband I have now, who is wonderful, and with whom I have two lovely children. Anything that got me where I am now is not regretable.
I dont really regret my former life with him, I was deliriously happy, and for that I am thankful…but, I also feel like it was a sham, and that I was the fool…and that makes me angry. Being angry helps me move on, so right now, that is all I can do.
He said himself, it was very selfish of him to keep me around, knowing that it was not going to work.
Nothing was a sham, and no experience in life is wasted. You were happy, and that’s something. You weren’t a fool at all; he’s the fool for stringing you along. Now, if you went back to him…
After all, my erstwhile dear,
My no longer cherished,
Need we say it was not love,
Just because it perished?
I’ve been on both sides of the fence and neither way is it the least bit fun. Although my last breakup was not hostile, I’ve still been left in doubt as to whether I’ll have that kind of thing again. It gradually passes, just like the original, sharp, acute pain slowly passes by. Originally I was barely able to leave the house, then I slowly came to be able to listen to ‘our song’ again, then to look at his love letters and emails. I guess I’m ‘over’ him now as much as I ever will be. It is really hard, but it does get easier.
Nobody explicitly said they were dumped per se (then again, I’m really tired and my reading comprehension isn’t so hot) just had people that decided they didn’t want to marry them.
So ‘I don’t want to marry you’=‘I’m breaking up with you’ ?
If my girlfriend decided she didn’t want to marry me, that wouldn’t necessarily slam the brakes on my relationship. It would just mean we weren’t getting married.
I disagree. I think it’s up to the person and how they handle things. I put away the stuff that my exes gave to me, and when I was ready, I took them out and read over the letters, looked at the gifts that they had given me. It’s taken years for me to not get sad over each and every one of them, but I like having those things to remind me of the fun I had with each of my boyfriends and how much I learned and grew from those relationships.
And I also disagree about the whole getting out there ASAP. I was dating a guy for 3 years when he decided that he didn’t want me anymore. I knew that I needed to take time off before I started dating because I had to figure out who I was and what I wanted from others let alone from a relationship. I think it has helped me with my current relationship because I knew he wasn’t a rebound. We got together after waiting until I was okay enough to start another relationship with someone who’s understanding of the occasional “why did he dump me” nights (ever have those random bad days?).
