What would you do in this situation?

Ok, this may get long, but it’s at least interesting. I’m not posting this to be judged, because I’m not even saying that I’m the one going through this situation, cool?

You meet this great woman and initially it’s due to partying that brings you two together. You become friends and find out that you already knew her husband, in fact you’ve known him for years. You’ve never really been great friends, just some guy who sold you some pot back in high school ten years ago and you’re still on friendly terms to this day.

OK, the wife is a VERY outgoing type, she’s borderline flirtatious and a very friendly person, she has a great personality. She starts to call you a lot, inviting you over a lot and when you get there, she offers dinner and then hangs out with you on the porch for a few HOURS ! You guys just talk and talk and get along GREAT !

And eventually this starts to happen more and more over the next few months. You guys begin to become good friends.

You start to talk everyday on the phone all the time, go places with each other’s kids and generally just hold a great friendship. It seems that you two may have feelings for each other, but the marriage thing is…well…you know…she’s MARRIED !

Nothing sexual ever happens. The guy eventually, after a year or so, spills his guts and tells her how he feels about her. She in her own words says the same, but explains that she grew up with no father and would never leave her husband because she doesn’t want to screw her two kids up in the head like it was done to her. She wants to remain a family AT LEAST until the kids get old enough to understand a divorce, if that so happens.

And she complains about her husband a lot, he cheated on her for four years with another woman and she found out. It was a long story, but they obviously got back together. She has even stated that she is only with him BECAUSE of the kids and that they even sleep in separate parts of the house.

Well, since she tells you that she just can’t leave her husband because of her kids mental well being, the guy tries over and over again to pull away because HE JUST CAN’T GET OVER HIS FEELINGS for her. They outweigh the friendship at this point. He sees that it’s dangerous situation and the friendship has become just too hard.

When he is in one of his “not talking to her for a week because he wants to get over her” all she does is call and call him. She doesn’t really leave him alone, even if he asks her to stop. The thing is, he kinda likes it, of course he does, he’s human.

They talk about how hard it is and how much they miss each other when he is trying to break the relationship. She tells him she wishes she could make him happy, but can’t bring herself to cheat or leave her husband at all. Not now.

So what would you do in this situation? This has been happening to you for almost two years now. It’s like a CD that’s on repeat. You can’t leave, because it hurts too bad, plus she’s always calling you and trying to remain at least friends, but you feel you can’t stay because you love a married woman and it will go nowhere.

Well, not until another 10 years when her kids are grown, so she says. There are times when you feel you can just be friends with her, there are often weeks at a time, but those feelings always slip back in there… She even tells you she loves you after you guys hang up from the phone. She tells you that you have her, just not physically, but you have her heart.

The guy is no fool (well, not for very much longer) and hates mind games.
What would you do?

Love is an action, not an emotion. There is no love here, only infatuation. I would break it off and change all my numbers and have no contact with her, even leaving town if I had to go that far. She’s made a choice, and she needs to live with it.

I think the guy in question should watch last season of Desperate Housewives. Maybe then it will be clear to him that he’s being used by his supposed friend. He gives her what her husband doesn’t (emotionally) and gets nothing but heartbreak in return. If she loved him, she wouldn’t be torturing him this way, would she? If she loved him she couldn’t be unaware of what his support is costing himself, could she?

He should be angry at how he’s being treated. I’m angry on his behalf, and that of the poor sucker Butterfly Boucher’s “I can’t make me” is about. It isn’t right to want someone to love you with only the “hope” you’ll some day be in the position to return their affections. A good person would cut ties those emotional ties with them until then to spare them the pain. If they can’t, it’s up to you to sever all ties for your own sake.

I’d stick with the girl, hoping against hope for her to eventually wise up, leave her husband, and we could finally have our love.

I’m an idiot, though.

If she isn’t going to leave her husband then you really have two ethical choices, either cut her out of your life completely or recalibrate your brain to think of her as a friend only and find some other romantic quarry. The second option is the most difficult. The first is easy once you really make up your mind.

The bottom line is that you have to really, emotionally, abandon all hope or expectation that you’re ever going to live happily ever after with this woman. That probably sounds like an impossible thing to do but it really isn’t. It’s like quitting smoking. Once you really make up your mind to do it (i.e. quit obsessing over an unavailable woman), you’ll find it’s not as bad as you thought it was going to be and you’ll eventually wonder why you ever did that to yourself in the first place.

As trite as it sounds, probably the best thing you could do is go out and get laid. Dtae other women. Make other friends. Reorient your social life so that it doesn’t revolve around this person.

Ironically, the minute you have really moved on and sincerely forgotten about her and probably become involved with someone else is the exact time she’ll suddenly become available and want to be with you. Don’t return that voice mail.

Awesome advice so far. Thanks, guys ! Feel free to keep it coming, though, I have a feeling most of it will be the same. Which is good, because it IS THE LOGICAL answer really.

If you think you can continue a friendship with this woman, you’re kidding yourself.

She sounds very manipulative, based on your post. You try to break away from her, but she pesters you. But she won’t leave her husband because ‘think of the kids’. Oh, and poor her, her husband cheated on her. So hey, there’s nothing wrong with her stringing some guy along, getting all the attention and affection she’s craving but not getting from her husband.

I’m not saying she’s doing this deliberately or with malice. But her behaviours are not healthy. If she’s unhappy in her marriage then she should do something about that. Either counselling to improve the marriage, or disolve the marriage.

The kids could handle a divorce, she’s using them as an excuse because she’s not ready to handle a divorce. And why should she, when she’s getting everything she’s missing from her husband from you?

But really, what are you getting out of this? Sure, she’s outgoing and flirty and vivacious and that’s great for your ego. But where do you see yourself in five years time? Ten years?

Cos if you think she means it when she says ten years, you’re doubly kidding yourself.

This is the “sanctity of marriage” chick right?

I think she is already nuts. To stay married to a man she loathes and treats her bad “for the kids” is a terrible reason. The kids have eyes and brains, they can perceive the climate of the household. Staying together in misery will only fuck up the kids more. And after they’ve grown up with will resent the fact that Mom and Dad were always unhappy because of them, and hate themselves even more.

Cut her out. This woman is nothing but destructive towards you. She probably does not realize this though. Just as she doesn’t realize that a healthy separation would be what is probably best for her family. But this is just what I think from how you are describing the situation. You appear to be looking for sympathetic advice, so the story might be different. Either way, I hope whatever happens works out for the best.

I have been in a situation like this before. All I can say is, run. I’ll share more later when I have the energy, assuming it’s appropriate.

I would go with one of three options here, given the situation.

  1. And, surprisingly, I’d think “Just get the heck out of there before it’s too late.”
  2. But, #2, if #1 ain’t an option, you just have to ask some basic questions:

First, does he work for the US Postal Service?
Second, is he a drug lord?
Third, does he collect guns?
Fourth, has he ever been indicted for mass murder?
Fifth, has he ever been indicted for – uh – just plain murder?
Sixth: Is his name something like Guido? Do folks around him call him “Godfather?”

If the answer to any of these is “Yes,” then I would get far, far, away from her, sorry.

  1. Otherwise, think about hitting that and getting on with your life with one more ? box checked off.

Seriously, I think #1 is probably your best option. It is titillating, to be sure, but it has every indication of ending badly.

You’ve been given some really great advice here. But I doubt a person in this particular spot can find the cahones to act on any of it. If they could have, they surely would have already.

I think your friend needs a little mind trick to give him fortitude to do what he knows he should do.

Before you interact with this woman take a moment and imagine the following scenario;

You are older and have a teenage daughter. She is hopelessly smitten with a married man. One who won’t stay away whenever she tries to do what she knows is best for her and what is right.

What would your feelings for that man look like?

What might you say to him, were you to meet up?

How protective would you be of her emotional well being and tender heart?

Decide, right now, that your own emotional well being and tenderheart are every bit as worthy of protection.

And, I agree with Featherlou, love is an action!

What proof is there, besides her statements, that “her marriage is dead and she’s staying for the kids”? Isn’t that what married guys always say to the suckers they date? And then it turns out that he has a perfectly nice wife who loves him, only he’s a slimeball who has no trouble lying to get sympathy and nookie? How do you know that he actually did cheat on her, or is she just telling you that to get you to feel OK about sticking around?

This woman is trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for Psycho. She is manipulative and possibly unbalanced. It’s not obvious that she has much of a conscience. Cut off contact and do it for real, just like you would have to do with a stalker (which she may well become). And if she does get a divorce and calls you up, don’t take the bait unless you want a life of misery.

She’s bored. You’re new, exciting, she doesn’t really know all your slovenly habits.

So she splits from Hubby, the two of you get together, great.

Until she gets bored again. Are you going to hire a detective to watch her shortly after the nuptuals or five years down the line???

They don’t sleep together. Yeah, right. I somehow have a really hard time believing that.

I think you should go on with your life - without this woman in it.

What’s going to happen in 10 years when she isn’t ready for a divorce? Are you going to wait some more?

What is going to happen in 10 years, if she does get a divorce and then says “I just got divorced! I’m not ready to settle down!”

Are you going to be willing to be alone and sexless for 10 years? Spending all the holidays alone while she plays happy housewife with her husband and kids?

Do you want kids? Is she going to be willing (or able) to have more kids after she has raised the ones she has now?

I just don’t see this ending happily for you. I think you need to have a heart to heart talk with her, and tell her what you are thinking - that you care for her but don’t want to put your life on hold for 10 years or more.

If you do decide to break it off - just do it. Get caller ID and don’t answer her calls. If she e-mails, don’t open the e-mails. Move on.

Good luck to you.

Disclaimer: I do not claim this to be good advice; you’ve already gotten plenty of that with the “GTFO” chorus here. But I know how it feels to be hopelessly in love with someone who’s confusing you, so here’s what I would do, regardless of what I knew to be right or good for me.

I would give her one chance. An ultimatum. I would tell her “If you want to be with me, this is how you can. If you don’t, I will be out of your life forever. Make a choice. I’m in love with you, but I’m not going to be half a SO to you because it’s making me miserable, so either take the steps to be with me, or I’m going to move on without you.” And I would mean it.

I think that from that you could find out what her intentions really were. She may not take you seriously at first, and she might try to cry and wheedle and call you and flatter you, but don’t give in. Don’t be flexible or you’ll end up right where you started. If she doesn’t commit to doing anything to make your relationship a reality, get out of her life and get her out of yours. It doesn’t have to be hostile; you can let her know that you don’t want to do it and you’ll miss her, but at this point it’s necessary. This is a weird, dysfunctional situation and it needs to stop, one way or another, so I would give her the choice to either act or react.

All very nice, thought out posts. All are exactly right, too. Yeah, it is a touch situation to be in, it’s always tougher for the one involved. Not to mention, when you’re involved in the situation, you become blind to how things really are. You lie to yourself so much that you start to believe your own lies, then start to live them. Then you start to believe HER lies as well.

But the attempt to break free once and for all will be made now, as she is in her hometown of Guatemala for two weeks visiting her sick Grandfather, so I can’t think of a better time. There has been no communication since Friday, so I think it would be wise just to keep on strokin.

Thanks, guys and guyettes !

Autolycus, I would LOVE to hear your story as well. Thanks !

Alright, I’ll post it later tonight. I might make it into its own thread and link it here though.

I think she’s a horrible horrible woman. And it would do him well to GTFO as everyone else is saying.

Wait a minute—all this coming over and having dinner and hanging out: is it with the husband present, or not? If not, I’d never have let it get to this point. This is the kind of thing I wouldn’t do with a married woman without her husband’s knowledge and approval. The kind of thing you’ve described sounds like “courtship” or the early stages of a relationship, which I wouldn’t get into with someone who’s already taken.