Advice for a friend

In My Humble Opinion
1

Ok, one of my friends is having a situation at the moment and is not entirely sure how to deal with it. It goes like this:

She’s been married to the same guy for 14 years, but has been unhappy for almost that whole time. At one point she basically shut herself off and did whatever he wanted and just convinced herself not to feel. Then she meets Guy B and he wakens up feelings and etcetc and she basically realizes how unhappy she’s been (her husband is neglectful of her feelings and just shuns affection, I’m told). She didn’t go looking for an affair, but figured she could get to know this guy because he’s ten years younger than she is and she figured he wouldn’t be interested.

Btw, she has a four year old son with her husband, which is what complicates matters.

So she’s told her husband that she’s in love with another guy and at first he just said “NO”, refusing to acknowledge the fact that she’s unhappy in the relationship or anything. Since then, they’ve had some good talks, and they’ve been sleeping at friends’ houses.

She’s also been seeing a counselor, who’s apparently a rather bitter woman. I should mention that my friend’s husband is very religious and the whole problem of sin and hell and all that is a big one here. So this counselor is a christian who’s divorced, but is now telling her that she should break off relations with both guys (and definitely get out of the house). She says she shouldn’t see Guy B because “second mariages never work” (aside: both my parents have been remarried for more than a decade…), and that my friend’s husband will become vindictive and all that against the new guy and I don’t remember all I was told she’d said.

What the hell? I mean, just because this lady had a bad mariage and I’m sure there are other people who’ve had the same situation, is not a blanket reason for not ever getting married twice!

My friend has told me she wants to share custody because she doesn’t want her son to not see either of his parents, but this might mean following her (hopfully soon to be ex) husband around because he’s getting a job somewhere else. Guy B has said he’ll follow her, but damn, I mean, why should she have to follow the guy? (He’s in academia so it’s not as easy to get a job here).

Now her husband has given her a choice: she must write a letter to the church withdrawing her membership or he will tell the elders and they will come and “talk” to her…prolly really means rail on her. She can’t just not go to church, she has to withdraw her membership. It’s either that or totally repent of Guy B, which she is not willing to do.

So, since I have not even been married, never mind divorced, I’m not sure what advice to give her. I’ve told her that she should make her own decisions based ono what she feels, not do or not do something just based on what people say, but some advice or similar stories or whatever might help her out. She’s a bit lost right now and in a bit of a quandry, so any input could help her!

Thanks!

2

I am divorced (although the scenario is completely different from what you’re describing). I don’t know what to suggest, but I do wonder about a few things. 1) What kind of “counselor” is she seeing? Is the counselor really making all these predictions and suggestions, or is that just how your friend is interpreting it all? A psychotherapist usually tries to elicit thoughts and feelings from the patient, and doesn’t usually give too much hard “advice” unless really pushed for it. Is this some kind of church functionary? 2) Re: the “elders” etc., I am not religious but I would ask what’s the issue here, is it that she’s having an affair and is still married? Would the religious situation be different if she were divorced? What is the status of the husband in the church, how can he be telling his wife that she has to leave the church? Isn’t that something between the woman and her church (or her god)? Can she change churches and avoid this mess? 3) Re: “sharing” custody, some states do not encourage that because it’s supposed to be hard on the child to have to move around all the time. They prefer that one parent has “physical custody,” which basically means the child lives with one parent and visits with the other according to whatever schedule is agreed upon in the divorce agreement. But I don’t know where she lives or exactly what she has in mind by “shared” custody. 4) Divorces can be VERY messy things. Fortunately mine was very easy because my ex and I don’t hate each other and we basically agreed on all the details beforehand and just had them legalized by a mediator. Your friend’s husband doesn’t exactly sound supportive. So your friend may be in for some rough sailing, not just from the church.

Here’s a web site that I found helpful when I was thinking about divorcing, maybe it can help you and your friend.
Institute for Equality in Marriage

3

Her husband is a religious academic…he has his phd in theology and is just starting teaching (she’s been supporting him completely for 14 years). He is apparently very religious and the issue with him is the whole sin thing and the fact that she’s married and having an affair. I don’t know how big he is with the church, but basically what she’s said is that if she doesn’t deal with it the way he wants (i.e. writing a letter saying she won’t go to that church anymore), then he’s going to go talk to the elders.

The counselor I’m not sure about. I think she’s a kind of religious community person, and it is possible that my friend is reading into it, but just from her reaction to what she said the counselor was saying, it sounded as if the counselor’s opinion was made pretty clear what she should or shouldn’t do because of the general trend or something (in divorce or mariage rates it seemed like). I don’t know if she’s a psychotherapist or whether she’s just a counselor for her religious community or what.

As for the custody thing. I think it depends. My parents were divorced and I went back and forth every week, but they only lived four blocks apart. It worked for me (I in fact requested that situation instead of staying with my mom and visiting my dad on weekends). It all depends on the people in the situation and the child involved. Since I don’t know her son well, I don’t know what would be best for him.

4

Well the one piece of advice that I can give and be really sure about is that I would NOT write a letter to the church or anyone else without consulting a lawyer first. It could be something that the husband could try to use against her in court.

I would also ditch the “counselor,” unless your friend feels she’s being helpful.

And then your friend has a big decision to make… can she and her husband cooperate to the extent that they can go in to see a mediator and agree on the settlement relatively amicably? (And by “mediator” I mean a lawyer who’s experienced in sitting down with both sides and coming up with a solution that’s acceptable to both. I DO NOT mean someone from their church.) If they can use mediation, the divorce will be much easier for everyone.

5

Just to clarify…the letter isn’t actually supposed to confess or anything like that, it’s just to withdraw her membership. I told her my opinion was that she should refuse to write it, since her husband is giving her a childish decision (do this or this or else!) and refusing to let her opt for a third (just not going to the church which wouldn’t harm anyone).

As for the counselor, I suggested too that she see someone else, and it seems she may have defaulted to that because this one she can’t see for another three weeks. Thank goodness! She needs a more objective counselor I think.

The only problem with the lawyer is that right now she’s the only one working (I think he’s going to start teaching a couple classes soon) and she’s making minimum bookstore pay. Plus, she loves the job but has to leave since she can’t support the whole family on it. But I suppose that’s life when you have a family.