Hi all - I’d greatly appreciate your advice here. I’ll apologize in advance if this gets long or rambly…
I have an older sister on her second marriage. She has a daughter from her first marriage, none to this husband. They’ve only been married about 2 1/2 years, and it’s always been problematic. I sympathize with her, because her husband really is difficult. They decided about 6 months ago to go into counselling, which isn’t getting them anywhere, and they’ve decided to seperate and divorce as soon as she gets a job. She’s been really miserable and depressed for the last few months.
Today I called her to see how she’s holding up. She’s still terribly depressed, and barely hanging in there. She found an apartment and is probably moving in a month, provided she gets a job offer she’s expecting this week. There’s no hope for her marriage, according to her.
Now, the kicker. She told me she recently started an affair with a married man. She talked (and talked and talked) about how he’s really the only joy she has right now, and it’s not sexual, but more a really great friendship. This man has told her all “those things” how he really loves/cares about her, but isn’t sure he wants to leave his wife, but “they’re miserably married” and “I’m staying for the kid”. I have alarm bells going off left and right about the situation - I can not see it turning out any way but someone getting crushed.
My problem is, I don’t know how to deal with it. I’m her sister - I want to support her, and try to help her deal with it all. I tried telling her I thought it was a terrible idea to get involved, and she proclaimed she needed the happiness he brings her. I just can’t make myself think “it’s her business, let it be.”
So, anyone wanna tell me what they’d do in the situation? I’d never in a million years call her husband, or the guy she’s involved with, or his wife. She’s asked me to not discuss this with my other siblings or parents, but now I’m feeling stuck in the middle of a really ugly situation.
I think you have to make a choice here. You clearly dissapprove of her relationship with a married man. (For the record, I agree with you). You have to decide where you want to approch the situation, and I think you have 2 choices:
Tell your sister that happy or not, you can’t abide by her having an affair with a married man, and if she is going to do so, you will not support her decision, you will not listen to anything she has to say about said affair, and essentially, any communication you have with her will be limited.
This is what I had to do with a former friend. Option 2 is:
Tell her that you don’t approve, but that you will support her. Let her gush about how great he is. Be ready to listen and offer a shoulder to cry on. When it ends badly, be there to help her mop up whats left of her self esteem and start again.
You have to decide what you can live with. Personally, I couldn’t stand listening to my friend slag off her married man’s wife, whom she had never met, based on what he had told her about her. Listen toots, when a man is looking for an affair, he’s not gonna gush about how great his wife is, but wanna fuck anyhow. He’s gonna paint her in the most negative light possible. DUH! Anyhow, I couldn’t deal, told her, she refused to abide by my request, so I quit returning her calls.
Anyhow, either option you choose is gonna suck for you, and I empathize. Hang in there, and remember a)that your sister has to make her own decisions - you’r not responsible for her happyness, and b) take care of YOURSELF. I think trying to help someone through this kind of situation is really taxing on a person.
I think you have to make a choice here. You clearly dissapprove of her relationship with a married man. (For the record, I agree with you). You have to decide where you want to approch the situation, and I think you have 2 choices:
Tell your sister that happy or not, you can’t abide by her having an affair with a married man, and if she is going to do so, you will not support her decision, you will not listen to anything she has to say about said affair, and essentially, any communication you have with her will be limited.
This is what I had to do with a former friend. Option 2 is:
Tell her that you don’t approve, but that you will support her. Let her gush about how great he is. Be ready to listen and offer a shoulder to cry on. When it ends badly, be there to help her mop up whats left of her self esteem and start again.
You have to decide what you can live with. Personally, I couldn’t stand listening to my friend slag off her married man’s wife, whom she had never met, based on what he had told her about her. Listen toots, when a man is looking for an affair, he’s not gonna gush about how great his wife is, but wanna fuck anyhow. He’s gonna paint her in the most negative light possible. DUH! Anyhow, I couldn’t deal, told her, she refused to abide by my request, so I quit returning her calls.
Anyhow, either option you choose is gonna suck for you, and I empathize. Hang in there, and remember a)that your sister has to make her own decisions - you’re not responsible for her happyness, and b) take care of YOURSELF. I think trying to help someone through this kind of situation is really taxing on a person.
I think your sister needs to continue counseling, personally.
I would say to her exactly this:
“I want to support you, and try to help you deal with it all, but for the record, I think it was a terrible idea to get involved.”
I know it will be difficult to do, because she is your sister.
I also think that if you don’t stand your ground on her getting counseling, this is a situation that is going to repeat ad nauseum.
I am in a similar situation with my parents in that for years and years and years they have not been happy.
I finally reached the point where I had to make a stand.
I wouldn’t wish the misery of being the “support” for years in a situation that obviously isn’t going to change on anyone.
My theory on it is, since it’s your sister that is doing this, it will be your sister that reaps the consequences, whatever they are.
While it is good to support and try to help her, there really isn’t much that can be done. Therefore, why get too involved and run the risk of family squabbles and “I’m never speaking to you again!” kind of problems that a person doesn’t need?
Yikes, tough situation. I would tell her that you think she’s making a mistake, but otherwise keep out of it as much as possible. No good can come from getting involved, especially if you alienate her now while she’s defensive about her relationship.
I’m not sure how your family ‘politics’ play out, but I’ll tell you what I’d tell my sister in this situation. Bear in ming I don’t know your sister from Adam, so I have no idea how much of it is applicable:
Maybe, and I realize that people can and frequently do make mistakes. However, around the second divorce, I think it’s time for some serious soul-searching, to find out what it is you want from life and what exactly is making you unhappy. It might not be the person specifically, but rather that you are in love with the idea of marriage, and not the person you married. And, if so, continuing in this way can (and probably will) lead to further broken marriages. Being married means dealing with another person almost contantly, and (let’s face it) people are a pain in the ass They can be selfish, moody, angry, snap at you when they’ve had a bad day - even the really nice ones. It doesn’t mean your husband doesn’t love you, simply that he’s human. You’ve got to take the good with the bad, and work to make sure you can accept each other for who they are, not for who you want them to be.
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He’s the only joy she has right now.
Well, that may be true, and depressed people at bad times can feel that way. But, it can only be temporary. You’re intruding into some one else’s life and problems, and that probably won’t lead to future happiness. This person is not always going to be your only source of happiness, so you’d better not get too attached. You’re kind of like the ‘rebound relationship’ - something in between that won’t be taken too seriously as a relationship prospect, not to mention possibly earning the eternal hatred of some woman, her children, etc. Is that really what you want?
Really loves her, staying for the kid, whatever.
This is crap - what he really means is that he’s somewhat unhappy at home, wants something different than what he has right now, but is by and large content with his lot. Things are good, but not picture-perfect, so he’s contemplating his alternatives. If she’s considering him as a serious relationship prospect, and not just a few rolls in the hay, consider his behavior now and ask yourself “What will he do when he’s not content with me?” He’s not going to leave his wife for you, and even if he does, how can that possibly be the basis for a stable relationship? You are building your house upon the sand…
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Well, I don’t think she would have told you if she didn’t want your advice. I can’t imagine she thought you’d accept without a word of criticism. You can be supportive and yet still tell her all of the reasons her course of action is ultimately self-destructive.
Just my thoughts - I hope everything works out well for her.
My husband had to do this. Someone quite close to him was doing something illegal and told him about it. (basically, it involved embezzlement.) She looked to him for support. So he was stuck in the same bind you are. He tried to talk her out of the illegal activity, but she made all the usual rationalizations. He eventually told her that he would not discuss the matter with her anymore. They still kept in contact, but he refused to talk about her situation when she brought it up. His lack of support was important in encouraging her to do the right thing. She stopped doing the illegal thing, and fortunately got out of the situation before the Feds came in. (Incidentally, someone who was involved in the illegal matter just got thrown into the Federal pen for a rather long time!)
Sometimes, being unsupportive is the right thing to do.
What are you? A fucking idiot? Oh, that’s right, you are. Look, there are a hundred thousand women within a twenty mile radius who have been given this line of crap by a married man. They are every last one of them being used as hose beasts. Duh. You really want this loser, who cheats on his wife, to leave his wife for you? Great, then you have another loser of your very own, who is doing the same thing to you. Have some self respect. I’m telling Mom on you.
Second marriage now over after 2.5 years. Husband 2 was ‘difficult’ and marriage was ‘problematic’. Or in other words doomed from the start.
Now dating a married man. Or in other words another relationship that is doomed from the start.
Why can’t your sister form a ‘healthy’ relationship?
Why did she tell you about it? Does she have any reason to think that you would be ok with the idea of an affair with a married man? If not then I think she told you for one of two reasons. Either she wants you to ‘lower the boom’ on her and tell her to cut it out, or she is trying to alienate you from her by doing something to repluse you.
I know I’m not telling you one way or another what to do. I just wanted to give you somethings to think about.
They can be selfish, moody, angry, snap at you when they’ve had a bad day - even the really nice ones. It doesn’t mean your husband doesn’t love you, simply that he’s human. You’ve got to take the good with the bad, and work to make sure you can accept each other for who they are, not for who you want them to be.