Happy Holidays!
I’m not real sure how to start, so if I make mistakes along the way, just smile and forgive me!
I’m the oldest of two sisters; 51 and 49
We’ve ALWAYS been different people and just walked to different drumbeats.
Our father died in 1995, and our mother, diagnosed with breast cancer was forced to move in with my now, ex husband and myself. I was her 24/7 caregiver, and my sister and her small children would visit.
My marriage was on the rocks for a long time, and ended a year after our mother died. The marriage itself was 18 years of emotional and psychological abuse, and the divorce was ugly.
It’s been those 3 years of no conversation - spare short emails, and I’m being the bigger person right now and drove some 700 miles for a quick visit with my nieces and nephew (who’ve all grown . . ), but I’m ready to go.
She acts like my bad marriage involved only her, and affected her in this way, and that.
I never even brought any of that up; she brought it up, and when I try to share something with her, she doesn’t want to hear it, and insists that I need to “Get over it. Just get over it. I don’t want to hear that; just get over it.”
I’ve tried - I cant seem to be what she thinks I need to be - I almost don’t care if I see her again . . .
Anyone out there have any suggestions as to how I can handle this?
HELP
Well, I handle my particular situation by avoiding contact with my sister. Life is too short to interact with toxic people. Being related to someone doesn’t obligate you to tolerate them, in my opinion.
Now, if you’re looking for advice on how to repair the relationship, I’m not your gal, obviously.
I’m with MoonMoon, in that I don’t think toxic people/relationships can be fixed. You probably want that close sister-bond that so many sisters have, but it’s not a realistic dream in your case. She sounds very self centered, and unless you want to have a very unbalanced relationship where you do all the giving and she does all the taking, then you are probably better off just writing the relationship off.
FWIW, I had such a relationship with one of my sisters–I’ll spare you the details, but suffice it to say, that such relationships do not last and you are better off just being cordial and keeping contact to a minimum.
One is that she really isn’t a good person, you really don’t have much of a relationship, and you need to move on.
The second is that one or both of you are lousy communicators, and there is a world of misunderstandings between you as you both try, in your clumsy ways, to be what you think the other wants/needs. If that’s the case, you need to give her the benefit of the doubt, and work on figuring out what is happening that your communication is so poor.
But you need to decide. If you really think she’s a bad person, cut her out. But if she isn’t, then quit putting the worst possible interpretation on everything she says: assume stupidity, not malice, and fix that. Quit existing in this half-and-half mode where you are angry and hurt like she did this on purpose, but don’t cut her out in case she’s just being stupid.
Does your sister live 700 miles away, or just your nieces and nephew? You mentioned that she would visit when your mum lived with you…that’s one hell of a journey, but anyway…
Has she only started going weird since you and your husband split? Was that three years ago? It’s funny how the human mind works…you claim she is bringing stuff up about your marriage, but she might say the same of you, and indeed be heartily jacked-off about the whole thing. If every conversation ends up being about you and your ex, then I can understand her reaction. Gets real tired real quick listening to ex’es complaining…three years is two years and 8 months too long.
The other alternative is that she is now (or perhaps was as well) fucking your ex-husband.
I thought this was just part of the holidays. Stockings hung, tree decorated, lights up, sisters creating bullshit reasons to be mad at each other. Check, check, check, check. Let’s go open presents.
Even the fact that you’re trying to be the bigger person fits the pattern. You can’t have drama until one person tries to be the bigger person and stirs shit up. My wife’s girls are in their 40’s now, and they’re STILL doing this. Usually it starts up around Nov 15th so that they can let it peak at both winter holidays, with a sort of detente in early December to show how each one is being the bigger person. But Christmas Eve comes by and one of them didn’t say hello to the other one fast enough, and the other one didn’t gush enough about the first one’s new hairstyle… and here we go again.
So… I don’t really have any advice except please don’t ruin everyone else’s holiday with your bullshit. For now, just grin and be superficially pleasant at all time. Don’t express your feelings and don’t discuss anything important. All that can wait.
If you want to work on your relationship with her, you can sit down in January and have coffee. Maybe get a therapist involved.
I have a distant relationship with my sister. Very cordial, but distant. If I don’t pursue and maintain the relationship, it doesn’t happen. I stopped doing that. It’s been over a year since we talked. Well, no that’s not true. It’s been probably three years or more since we talked. It’s been a year since we texted.
You were in an abusive marriage for two decades, you turned your whole life over to your ailing mother, and now you’re trying to preserve a connection with a sister who treats you badly. Somewhere in your life, your ability to evaluate healthy relationships got thrown way off. My advice is to get some counseling to help you identify and maintain good relationships, and to develop some tools for dealing with bad ones so that they don’t consume you.
I still don’t get where the OP’s sister is treating her badly. And as others have said, there seems to be some vital history missing from her opening synopsis.
But otherwise, your post is decent advice.
Also, if you wanna hear about seriously dysfunctional sisterly relationships, let me introduce you to me and mine…
There is the tribe you were given, and the tribe you make. As a child you have no say, you are at the mercy of the tribe you were given, no matter their nature: abusive, annoying, toxic, taxing, dysfunctional, deadly. However, as an adult that all shifts. You get to say who gets into your tribe now.
If you don’t want to put up with her shit - don’t. It really ain’t that hard! If you feel so obligated by blood ties or some imagined propriety, then own that and suck it up sunshine.
Theses are choices only you can make, choose wisely, it’s your life, and life is short.
We all have relatives who require a lot of teeth-gritting and internal eye rolls to get through the day in peace. And we all have subjects that we simply do not bring up with certain people, even jokingly. For instance, you cannot even say the name “Obama” to one relative or you’ll start a multi-hour tirade that will leave everyone glassy-eyed and inching toward the door.
So my advice is this: Either find somewhere else to go for the holidays (as you have indicated) or agree beforehand, when you’re both rational and sober, to keep certain topics off limit, such as your failed marriage. That means that you cannot complain about your ex-husband, even once, or even grumble about how hard it is to pay a mortgage on a single salary, etc. Talk about the kids’ lives, or memories growing up, etc. Stick to common, neutral ground and try to enjoy yourself.
Yes. Stop talking about your bad marriage, and if anyone else brings it or anything else connected to it up, nip it in the bud by saying “That’s all in the past. Let’s focus on the present.” and move forward.
