Would call your own sister out?

I have an older sister (4years apart) she’s always hated me. Never was doubt she didn’t like me. We’ve had moments of her trying to accept me. I assume she felt obligated to try to like me, but it did not last more than a couple days. When we became adults she moved away and I guess tolerated me more form a distance but still we never “knew” each other. About 17 years ago (her 25, me 21) she had a spiritual conversion and confessed to me she was mean to me my whole life and was sorry. That she resented me. But now wants to be friends. I idolized her my whole life despite her rejection and this made me so happy. As you can guess…this lasted only a few months and was back to her rude ways. We only communicated through our mom. She became an expat in the UK (adopting an accent even before moving) and I only communicated randomly through email. 8 years ago our mom became terminally ill. I took care of her but my sister only wanted to “see ‘mum’ when she was still like herself”. Not in her dying moments… So she visited, took family memorabilia she wanted, raided her closet for all the good stuff. And went on her merry way. NOT before telling me as she’s heading out the for that 1. She is not going to be returning for her funeral because she does not like funerals. and 2. That she is very likely never coming back the “states”.
Well, yes I was upset. I didn’t have the option to abandon ‘Mum’. I don’t like funerals… But it’s our mother! Anyway, typical of her I suppose.
We tried to keep in contact but as you can assume, she wants nothing to do with me. This was made evident by the fact that I discovers she was on Facebook and was friends with all our relatives including ones we’ve never met EXCEPT me. I sent a message to her about it just saying why are we not FB friends. Her reply was just this, “Facebook is not the end all be all”. And that was it. We didn’t become “friends”.
I had a child with my spouse not long after and she took some really cheap shots at me and my parenting. I for once stood up to her and she in her cold dead emotionless manner dismissed all my feelings.
So I decided she is a nut job and cut her out. Well fast forward to last November. I find out she is coming to visit the U.S. Spanning all over to visit various random relatives… Not me though. She emails me just a few weeks before her visit (3, years of not speaking) saying she has no idea why “I” stopped speaking to her and is visiting and it would be a shame if I didn’t see her and get to meet my child. After much consideration I decided I would ignore her question of why “I” stopped talking to her because she wouldn’t have any sympathy or responsibility to it. It would be useless as it has been in the past when I express my feelings. I didn’t end up seeing her because she only gave me ONE day and I was sick… Didn’t really care to see her anyway. OK!! Now I found out from a random cousins Facebook post to another random cousin that she is coming BACK out in a few months. Again, I’m the last to know. I know this is typical of her and it still does hurt. But I keep feeling these feelings if just wanting to email her and go off on how rude of her that is. In the past is it hasn’t made an impact. I just don’t know how to process this…
If you read all of this then bless you!!!

She sounds like she gets off on hurting you. The worst thing you can do to her is ignore her. Don’t let her know she has any effect on you.

Raise your tot, block her on FB so you can’t see her nonsense, and get on with your life.

You have two choices here that make sense:

  1. You can try to resume a relationship with your sister on your terms. Send her a polite email asking how she is or sharing a picture of your family, and accept whatever her response is going to be. If she wants to connect with you, she will.

  2. Cut her out of your life. Don’t contact her at all, don’t respond if she contacts you, and don’t pay attention to sources of information about her life, including Facebook and other relatives.

Anything else is just allowing her to take up emotional space in your head. You have a sister who doesn’t treat you or your relationship the way you would like to be treated. It happens. Your only choice is to decide how you want to deal with it. You are not going to be able to change her, and sending her a nasty email is only going to suck you in deeper into drama that you don’t need, without doing anything to improve your life.

Cut her out of your life. I had to do that with my brother and trust me, it was a lot better. I had the telling off, the emails, the phone calls, but finally I realized when he said “I hate you,” he meant it. And why try to have a relationship with someone who doesn’t like you?

The karma was that I was the sibling that got to tell the doctor to take him off life support.

Reading your post, I see no reason for making any attempt at maintaining a relationship with this person. Indeed, I think I’d make particular effort to avoid contact with her. I suspect that telling you’re no longer interested in having a relationship will make her change her tone (it sounds like she enjoys being mean to you, and she won’t like the inconvenience of finding a target to fill your shoes), so don’t make a scene. Just block her phone number, divert her emails to a junk folder and dedicate your energy to the people who love you.

Your sister sucks. Move on.

Welcome to the Dope. A lot of us suck too, so we’re not a great replacement.

You have to resign yourself to the fact that she isn’t going to be friends with you. That’s her issue, not a flaw in your personality (it sounds like she’s a real piece of work). Don’t try to reconnect, and if she contacts you, refrain from answering.

Let her go. If she shows up on your doorstep uninvited & unbidden, explain you have plans.

Then leave, take whoever is home with you out to your car with you, drive to a multiplex some distance away & see a movie.*

*I actually stole idea this from another doper who actually did this many years ago.

If she doesn’t want you in her life, why would you want her in yours?

Yeah, what’s the point of constantly pining after a person who has obviously and repeatedly shown that she doesn’t care about you? It’s unhealthy. It’s unhealthy that our society makes people feel such severe guilt over not having the “right” kind of relationship with their family, despite it not being their fault.

Just ignore her and stop looking for her validation. She doesn’t care about you and never will. That isn’t even “wrong”. People, even blood relations, can be incompatible, and that is just how things are. We should stop trying to force square pegs into round holes.

I heard this phrase somewhere and it stuck with me.

You keep petting the alligator, expecting it to purr.

What you want from your sister she’s not willing or able to give. That says more about her than you.

This. If it was a romantic pursuit, you would give up after being rejected so many times. You need to give up on this relationship as well. It will never be what you want it to be.


Thank you for the welcome! Wow. These answers are exactly what I needed. I appreciate the fresh outside perspective!!! Reconciling guilt with reality is a beast!! Much thanks!

Ha… I would just say I have plans, close the door, and continue with my day/evening regardless whether my plans included leaving the house. :smiley:

On the off-chance said visitor didn’t take the hint and leave, I’d either continue ignoring them, or if they were becoming obnoxious / hostile / threatening, call the police to have them escorted away. (Once you tell them to leave, if they don’t, they’re trespassing.)

Cut her loose. All you share with her is some DNA.

I wonder if she wanted to meet your kid is because… you never know. What if your kid becomes famous or something or … what if someday she could get in good with your kid and continue to find some way to undermine you?

I would keep contact, maybe Christmas cards, but keep her at arms length and always be warry.

If she wasn’t your sister, would you want her in your life?
If the answer is “hell no”, then to hell with her.

Maybe she just hates people who don’t use paragraphs.

The issue you really need to address is why you keep going back to the well when you know the water is toxic?

When you can answer that question, you’ll be able to move on, but not before.

Leaving your sister’s meanness aside, why do you continue to want/need her acceptance/acknowledgement/approval? Why do you still care a whit what she does, or who she’s friends with, or what she thinks of you?

She’s been out of your life long enough that you have clearly found other caring people to provide you with acceptance, acknowledgement and approval. Why isn’t it enough? As an adult, you will sooner or later discover, the ONLY acceptance, acknowledgement and approval that really should matter is self acceptance, self acknowledgement, and self approval.

The opposite of love is not ager or bitterness or resentment. It’s indifference. You’re not there yet. I suspect because you do love her at some level. Good for you! Even if you don’t like her, having love in your heart for her, means you’re a living caring person. Nothing to be ashamed of, truly.

Now, if you could just acknowledge you’ll always have some love in your heart for her, you may be able to unclench about her actions and lack of loving kindness for you. When you can disconnect your love for your sibling, from her nasty actions, you’ll be a much happier person. You may even reach indifference.

(None of which implies you should see her or tolerate her in your life! No need, she seems not worthy of actually being in your life, to be honest!)

Wishing you Good Luck. I know it’s not easy, but you can do this. It’s really just a change in your attitude!