Our relationship was difficult from the beginning. She was older. Our parents divorced and each took one of us (not cute like Parent Trap)
Our parents made it a competition: who got better grades, was prettier whatever.
She got married moved away no contact with either parent or me.
In my 30’s I found her (it wasn’t as easy as it is now no Google or Facebook)
She seemed delighted we promised each other we would never allow our parents to come between us again.
She said she was a workaholic. We did not live close; contact was very intermittent phone calls due to her work schedule and 90% of the time initiated by me. Sometimes we would only speak twice a year.
Many conversations left me feeling she resented me, blamed me for our childhood. I felt cast in the roll of the “Evil older Sister” I was four years younger and certainly not controlling my parents actions.
I loved her very much and pretty much walked on verbal egg shells to ensure I never said anything that might upset her and the list was LONG.
In 2006 I called, her husband answered, after learning it was me on the phone she said “I do not want to talk to her”
Every other previous time she did something like this I would call and beg her to forgive me for whatever I did or said; knowing that I hadn’t done anything. She would sigh really loud and say never mind and life would go on. But in 2006 I decided I had enough and I never called to beg.
In 2008 I read our father had passed. I called to tell her because I knew she wouldn’t check the obits regularly and she would very much want to know.
She was gushing so glad I called, blah blah, just bought a new house, I’ll call you as soon as we’re all moved in.
She never called
Today on another forum someone posted asking about the pros and cons of reconnecting with people with whom you lost contact.
So I Googled and found their number. Only it wasn’t “their” number any more.
Her husband came home (two years ago) from a night out with the fellas and found her dead from a self inflected gunshot.
I can not begin to express just how much I hate her.
Oh I didn’t hate her before. I accepted the fact that she just did not want to have anything to do with me and I was no longer going to force myself on her.
Suicide is complicated. How you feel is how you feel. Anger being part of how you feel after a suicide is very common. Expect that some people will now tell you how you “should” feel. Ignore them.
My oldest sister killed herself back in the late 1980’s. I’m still pissed about it when I think about it. Different circumstances, but yeah, not a happy thing.
While this is true, I think we do have some control over our feelings (which are based on our thoughts and perceptions).
I’m not telling you what to do, Sveltington, but I would suggest that choosing to hate takes too much energy and costs too much. I, personally, would aim for indifference.
mmm
You might like joining a group of people who have survived losing someone close to suicide. I’m in a RL (“real life”) group that meets nearby, and was active in several online groups. It’s good to have people with the shared experience and the interest in talking about it.
I’ve known 12 people who killed themselves, starting with my father when I was 12. I really like the group.
For my entire life it’s always been me making an effort to have a relationship with my brother. He doesn’t call, has never once, ever come to visit me. Only me flying and driving to visit him.
When I visit he’s rude and just so unpleasant to be around.
He’s not dead but I often think “If I find out he’s dead, will I regret that I stopped making the effort?”.
I don’t know the answer to that question but I guess you do, now.
Sorry for all the heartache she’s caused you over the years.
Why exactly do you hate her? I know some people who have lost someone to suicide say it is like the person was both the murder victim and murderer rolled into one, which causes very confusing emotions.
Do you hate her because you realize she didn’t want you in her life? Because you realize you’ll never have a chance to reconnect now?
She sounded very damaged emotionally before her suicide, so the suicide was probably more the culmination of a life of problems and issues than something out of left field.
My Mother died When I was very young. I had a time as a teenager where I was very angry at her. It was misplaced anger, but still I felt that way. I was very ashamed to feel it. I didn’t understand what killed her, when I was finally able to come to terms with it and knew exactly what she died of, I was then able to put my anger there. And that helped.
I thank everyone who replied to my post for your kind thoughts and shared wisdom.
I really just needed to vent. I do not have anyone in my life to whom I may speak of a situation like this.
I do not hate her; that emotion burned out almost as quickly as it came.
I accepted that for her having a relationship with me caused her pain. Hey who wants to cause someone pain?
I really believed eventually she would conquer her demons and contact me.
I am angry with her because in killing herself she let my parents win.
Hatred of the self-killer is such a common response to suicide that such a reaction could probably be described as normal under the circumstances.
In addition to all the other possible reasons to be angry at someone, suicide is enormously, breath-takingly painful to most of the people left behind. It’s sort of normal to be angry with/hate someone who causes you great pain.
Huh. That sucks. But if I may misquote (completely out of context) The Eagle Has Landed: “She’s dead, you’re alive.” Try not to dwell on what you can’t change. It isn’t easy, but may get easier as times goes on, if you allow it to be so. You already know this but it is not your fault.
There are two groups out there where we found good ways to vent when my BIL killed himself; The Compassionate Friends (TCF) and Survivors of Suicide (SoS). Especially if either has a physical chapter near you they are both worth considering. TCF is mostly parents who lost children by lots of different ways but they have a siblings group/aspect for all ages.
It’s a natural reaction for normal people facing unusual circumstances, so don’t feel weird about posting here. It’s sometimes a good thing to put a friendship on the line by asking someone to listen (I’ve had to do it), but if you’ve truly got no one to turn to, you should know that anyone would find that difficult. I’ve read that, in some part of the world, people would/will sometimes go out alone into the country, dig a hole, whisper their secrets into the hole, and cover it up. I don’t know why, but putting things into words can help.
Well, I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but it sounds like two different but related problems tied into one hell of a knot, and pulling on both ends is going to result in a lot of pressure on you. The only way to untangle the mess is to get past the resentment, somehow. Forgive, forget and move on.
Piling onto Broomstick’s post here - the anger you expressed as hate is very very understandable. This suicide both tore something away from you and poked into a wound that seems to have never healed, even if the relationship was a very estranged one. Being rejected by a sister is painful enough, your only sibling and one presumes only living close relative, worse yet … this? Wow. I don’t want to even try to imagine how much that would hurt.
It really is okay to be angry at that action.
And to be angry at your parent’s parenting behaviors and decisions.
From what you described it sounds to me like your sister had long standing mental health issues that no one could adequately fix, least of all an estranged sister at a distance that she irrationally blamed for her pain. How much of that was biological illness and how much the result of the parenting choices you both endured? Does it even matter now?
Glad that venting here seems to have helped some, but do seriously consider the resources kopek referenced. Dealing with something like this with a deep support network of friends and family is hard; trying to do it with us as your sole support … you deserve more than what we are capable of.
I apologize if that is too directive, of course you know you and what you need. Heal well however you choose to.