My best friend committed suicide without any warning.
He seemed fine and happy when I spoke with him on Tuesday, and he spoke with his brother on Wednesday night. They made plans for dinner on Thursday. That morning he went to work, left work at 10 am and shot himself in his driveway at 11 am.
He did leave a note saying sorry to his brother, SIL and nieces. He did not mention his wife of step-sons whom he had been with for years. (He had recently told his wife he wanted to separate and had moved out immediately on her insistence). had just spent the weekend with our friends and seemed very happy.
I am shocked and just going through the motions. I can only imagine how his family feels.
Has anybody gone through this? Do you ever get over it?
Any thoughts or input is appreciated.
Wow! My thoughts are with you. Unfortunately, I’ve always heard that suicides *SEEM *happiest right before the act, becasue they’ve made the final decision.
I think that sometimes after they’ve made up their mind, they become all happy like that because the decision has been made. In any event there’s nothing I as a stranger can to ease your pain, other than to say hang in there.
I’ve been through the suicides of a few family members but not one where they were in good spirits before the event. My ex-FIL was in a drunken rage, my uncle was just diagnosed with a terminal illness and my cousin was having troubles with his wife.
Suicide leaves more questions than answers. I am so sorry for your loss. You will always question if you could have done something differently but the answer is likely, no. No one knows what was going through his mind at that moment.
My sister committed suicide 20+ years ago. While the circumstances were different, I do understand that it is horribly shocking.
As bad as things stand now, yes, you WILL feel better. You won’t forget it, and remembering this time will likely always cause a twinge of pain and regret and other emotions, but with time your normal life will resume.
The “going through the motions” thing is shock. It is entirely normal to have that reaction at this point. It’s still a weird, creepy feeling, I just want to reassure you that it’s a common reaction. You’ll likely experience a mix of various emotions AND feeling emotionless for the next week or few weeks. Nothing unusual, even if the experience is new for you.
Feel free to come back to this thread and vent. Or speak with someone in real life. If you don’t feel like talking about it THAT is OK, too. Grief is painful, that’s the bitter truth. We all react differently, so what works for one may not be what works for another.
There is no way to understand it. All I can tell you is it this is how someone I know and loved explained her suicide attempt: It hurts and it hurts and it hurts and the only time it doesn’t hurt is when you are sleeping and after a while you get to thinking that death is very much like sleeping forever. And all you want is for it to stop hurting.
Do you ever get over it? Yes, time helps. OTOH, typing the above filled my eyes with tears. So - no, not entirely.
Don’t blame yourself. Don’t blame others. Don’t blame your friend. Be sad, be mad, be numb, be confused. Be whatever you want or need to be at the moment. Its a horrible situation but horrible situations happen unfortunately.
My condolences and take care of yourself and the folks you know that are also going through this.
I’m sorry you’ve experienced this. I’ve been through it too. Like your friend, my friend was in a great mood all weekend and took his life on a Sunday night/ Monday morning.
In a way, my friends death was harder to deal with than my sisters, who died from cancer at age 32. With his suicide, I was left feeling angry, like I had no say so in the matter. He just decided to do it and let us deal with the devastation. It’s also harder because you may relive those last couple days in your mind over and over and see if you missed any “clues”. If only I did or said this or that, what did he mean when he said blah blah blah…etc.
I drove myself crazy trying to figure it all out like it was a mystery and I was only allowed so many clues. I also had nightmares for a long time because I was the one who found his body and that’s something I don’t ever wish anyone to experience. Part of my anger with him was that he knew I’d be the one to find him.
Of course, you may grieve differently. There is no wrong or right way. I recommend a group call Survivors of Suicide (SOS). There are many groups all over the US and Canada. I’m not sure if they’re available in Europe or Asia. http://www.suicidology.org/web/guest/support-group-directory
I ended up going to my local SOS group every Monday night for almost a year and it helped tremendously. There were times I felt like people that never experienced the loss of someone by suicide didn’t really understand how I felt. The people in the SOS group were just like me and they made me feel like I wasn’t crazy and we were all normal. As I slowly healed, new people would join the group from time to time who just went through a horrific loss and they would later tell me I was a calming factor to them, which in turn helped me. Please consider the SOS group or at least give their information to your friends family. Someone might need it.
I could ramble on and on about this because I understand, but for now, I’ll just say how sorry I am for you and your friends loved ones. It’s hard to imagine the pain he had to have been in to make this decision, so don’t be angry at him. For all of you that knew him, just keep the lines of communication open with each other and talk about him. It’ll take some time, but you will learn to live with this.
Peace.
That’s one of the things I love about the Dope. In just a few short hours, you’ve found a kindred soul who has experienced a very similar situation to yours. Where else could you get that broad of an audience. That’s good stuff.
Many are saying, “Don’t be angry at him”. My experience is that you WILL experience anger with him and there’s no shame in that. Everyone grieves differently and anger is a natural part of grief. Just allow yourself permission to feel all of those feelings as they come. It’s kind of like riding a wave…sometimes your feelings will be overwhelming and other times they will subside. It’s all good.
You have a mostly-anonymous group of e-strangers right here at your fingertips to vent whenever you need. Remember to take gentle care of yourself.
One of my best friends–I had two best friends, he was one of them–killed himself six years ago. He was 22, I was 21. I’d known him since I was seven. I knew that things weren’t great, but I didn’t think they were that bad. I thought they were getting better, too. I was very wrong.
It doesn’t ever go away completely, but, yes, it does get easier over time. You accept it, incorporate it, and let the pain fade. Sometimes, it’ll flare up again, but, eventually, the good times remain, and the way he died becomes. . .well, it’s not right there in the foreground. It’s easier.
It took a really long time for me. I don’t think that I’m at the end of it, yet, or at the plateau. But, then, I blamed myself. Blame myself. Don’t do that. Nothing good will come of it. It is what it is, and it isn’t anyone’s fault, not really, not in any way that matters.
Be angry, be sad; when you catch yourself smiling, remind yourself that pain, too, is allowed to pass. I remember my classmate every time I hear the word “suicide”; you may get the same kind of association with your friend - but life goes on. It did cause changes in my outlook and behavior which I hope have been for the best.
We’ve got people here who’ve lost partners, siblings, children to suicide. It’s a bloody nasty way to go, but as someone who was once on the verge of jumping off a 10th floor balcony, I can tell you there is nothing you could do and that it’s not anybody’s fault. Despair simply sucks.
Thank you everyone for your kind words. It boggles the mind to see how many people have bee affected by such tragedy; I appreciate everyone for taking the time to tell me your thoughts and experiences.
Rick
Yeah, CTburns, one of the strangest, most painful and yet most comforting things about being part of the great mass of humanity is that no matter what you’re going through, someone out there has gone through it, too.
Lots of 'em, in this case. One of Mr. Horseshoe’s closest friends committed what seemed like slushy, kinda-accidental suicide (OD on pain pills that he was prescribed, but he was very depressed and clearly took waaaay too many) several years ago and he’s sad (and, occasionally, still bitter and even mad) to this day. He was a great guy, too.
Not that telling you this helps, really, except to add one more voice to the “me, too, and it truly does suck” chorus. It wasn’t up to you to stop this or fix what was wrong. It’s just up to you to pick up the pieces now as best you can.
My best friend’s husband did the same thing. They spent a fantastic holiday weekend together. Come Monday, he kissed her goodbye, tucked the sheets around her, said “Call me when you wake up,” and then went to work and killed himself. His best friend found him too. It just can’t be explained. I’m so sorry for you and everyone touched by his death.
My best friend killed himself about 15 years ago. After the sadness(mine) , came the rage, the anger, at him. That lasted for years. Now just a twinge of sadness every so often, when I see some new thing that we would’ve had fun talking about.
He eventually will stop consuming your being.
Be good and patient with yourself.
I lost a friend that I worked with 2 years ago to suicide. It broke my heart, I still get sad about it at times, but in a weird way I understand it. I hold a fundraiser in his honor annually, which gives those of us that knew him the opportunity to bond and talk about him in a positive way, rather than always focusing on the manner of his death. I hope you’re able to find peace. I’m so sorry for your loss.
All you guys are great, and I appreciate you sharing your experiences. I am keeping close tabs on the family and am encouraging them to get professional support. Talking to a professional is helping me too, and I thank you all for sharing your feelings and experiences.
I’ve had three people who were very close to me commit suicide, the last one being my own husband (and father of my four kids) who took his life fourteen years ago.
And you know what? I’m STILL angry. Not all the time of course, sometimes I look back fondly on the great bloke he was and all of his odd little quirks and his amazing intelligence. Sometimes I yearn for that ‘soulmate’ who understood me better than anyone else in the world.
But there are times when the seething anger emerges…when our daughter gave birth to our little grandson, and her dad was not there. When my sons are having ‘girl problems’ and need another fella to talk to. When something simple and amazing happens like a brillilant sunset, and I want to kick his ‘urn’ and tell him what a stupid fucking prick he was to be missing out on all of this good shit.
CTBurns, you do sorta-get-over-it. But at the same time, it’s always there. Time takes away the acute pain, but leaves a hole that cannot be filled by anyone else because, let’s face it, you’ve lost your best friend. No-one can replace that person.