My beloved brother, who has shared my journey through life since I was 3 1/2, shot himself in his bathroom on Dec. 17.
He was 35, an archaeologist, a husband and a father of 3, with his wife expecting the 4th.
Everyone that knew him is utterly utterly shocked. There are people you know who you would be saddened but not surprised to hear they had killed themselves. He was not one of them. He was full of life, interested in everything, kind to all.
He shot himself in the bathroom of their master bedroom in the short window of time that it took his wife to run the oldest (age 6, kindergarten) to school, taking the other two (aged 3 and 1) with her. She found him several hours later, thinking he was sleeping in. He had been sick.
Partly I’m posting this here because I keep having the impulse to post threads that will reference this event, partly just because…
I’m so sad. I will miss him desperately. We spent a lot of time together and really enjoyed each other’s company. He lived nearby, we even shared an apartment for a few years in our twenties. Before this, I would’ve said we were close, but I had not the slightest clue he was depressed or distressed, so I guess I can’t say that.
Shot Clock, Thanks for the advice. I had kind of already figured those out, but it is so non-intuitive, especially not trying to figure out why, that it is good to hear it from someone else.
I’m so sorry, Carlotta. Someone close to me very nearly succeeded in killing themselves, and I had absolutely no clue they were even thinking about it. It was one of the biggest mental disconnects of my life–wondering if I really knew them, wondering why I hadn’t seen and stopped them.
I can’t speak for your brother, of course, and I never quite found the courage to ask the person in my life “why.” But many years later, they told me they were glad they hadn’t succeeded, and they weren’t thinking of others when they tried–that they had been so wrapped up in their own problems they didn’t think about how much it would hurt people. I think they just became lost in themselves, and didn’t know how to find their way out or let people know they needed help. Thankfully, they lived to get that help.
I have a feeling your brother would take it all back if he knew, and I’m sorry that it’s too late for that. My thoughts are with you and your family. Yours too, Ca3799.
My own brother’s been gone for twenty years, and it hasn’t been long since I got to the point where I stopped being sad that he was gone, and was just glad that we had him for the time he was there.
It sounds like you had a good brother. I’m sorry for you, and especially for his wife and kids.
My deepest heartfelt sympathy to you and your family, Carlotta. I know about losing a brother at a young age, and it hurts like the dickens even if the death was accidental. It’s the worst feeling ever, and I’ve lost many other people since.
My nephew by marriage killed himself by jumping in front of a subway. Nobody saw his depression, and it was a shock to everyone.
Shot Clock gave you the very best advice. Stay close to everyone in your family, and don’t look for scapegoats. They were in his mind, and I wish someone had known.
When I was widowed at age 38, I needed family emotional support to help me raise my son. Try as much as you can to be there for his children and wife. They will need that desperately and it’ll help you.
My deepest, deepest heartfelt condolences to you, carlotta and Ca3799. I cannot begin to imagine the pain and heartache your family is going through. Be good to yourselves and each other while you find the strength to heal. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
