I am so sorry to hear that - 20 years ago my sister killed herself. It is a horrible, horrible pain. The only comfort I can offer you is that eventually getting through the day yourself will not be so difficult, that eventually the grief will stop interfering with your life. This will take months, possibly years, and there will always be times when you look back and say “Why?” and grieve again - but you will get through these dark times. You are not the first to make this journey. Do what you need to get through it, whether that is linking up with others left in the wake of suicide or your remaining family or whatever works for you. There is no formula for getting through this, but there is support out there for you if you find you need it.
My sister, unfortunately, was one of those people whose suicide was not a complete surprise – but that is because we who are her family knew of her 17 year struggle with clinical depression. Many other people she knew and interacted with on a daily basis did not know of this. My sister dealt with her depression in part by throwing herself into life - she was successful in her profession, helped start and run a business, active in local and state politics and had the trappings of a very successful life. These things helped, but in the end they were not enough. It is possible your brother also struggled with depression for many years but did not choose to share that struggle with anyone else. Or maybe not. But when I hear about people who have great lives and much to live for who nonetheless kill themselves I think of my sister, so vibrant and energetic, who still struggled every day with her inner shadows.
Yes, you are. Yes, you will. There will be times, decades later, when you will think “I wish I could tell him…” or “I wish he could have seen this…” There will be an empty chair when the family gathers from now on. It is a different sort of death than that brought by old age or illness or accident.
But you will not stop loving him either, even when you are angry with him (and feelings of anger are normal in this situation, whether or not you are feeling them now). He is still, and will always be, your brother.
I was very close to my sister. I knew she suffered from depression. I had had no idea it was that bad when she killed herself. It was still shocking, even if not totally unexpected.
He may have deliberately hid this from others. Sometimes, when someone has decided to kill themselves but have not yet actually done the deed their mood improves for a period of time prior to the suicide, making their death all the more shocking. The fact you didn’t know he was hurting that bad or that he was planning this in no way means you weren’t close.
He may not have had as many years of suffering as my sister had. We don’t really know what is going on in someone else’s head, and nothing brings that home like an event like this.
>sigh< Yes, I feel much the same about my sister. It hurts my spirit to know that she was in that much pain.
I don’t know if this is comforting or not, but I wanted to let you know that others have walked this path before and if you need help or comfort or an ear to listen that that is out there for you. A confused boil of emotion is perfectly normal under the circumstances. It is OK to grieve. If you did not love your brother his death would not hurt so very, very much.
Please accept my condolences and my sympathy - I am so sorry you had to join this club.
