Ten Years

I’m really sad, and I decided to post about it in the pit because, no offence, I really don’t want a bunch of hugs.

My sister died ten years ago today, quite possibly right around this time. She hung herself. She wasn’t found for two days, so her official date of death is the 24th of January, 1995. Realistically, this gives me a three-day festival of horror, which I sometimes build up to for weeks. The last time I, or anyone in the family had seen her was Christmas, so it often starts then.

In order to be able to accept the support she needed from her friends, she needed them to promise confidentiality - not to tell us (her family) what was going on. They were very good friends to her, they gave her more support than any person could every hope for, and they did what she needed to feel safe.

I thanked them at the time for helping her so much, and I wish I was still in touch with them so that I could thank them again. She couldn’t take what she needed from us, as much as I wish I had been able to give it to her. I’m glad someone was there for her.

But I’m sitting here, and I’ve been crying on and off for most of the week, and I can’t stop crying now, and I would give anything, anything, to be able to help her, even though it is ten years too late. I think about how much pain she was in (I’ve posted before about my depression - and I’m pretty familiar with the worst of the worst) and I’m just devastated. She was militantly against alcohol, due to the problems she saw it causing in our family in many generations. Before she died she even bought and drank alcohol to see if that would help stop how much it hurt. It didn’t.

When I think that she even tried alcohol, that her pain was so much that she would be that desperate, I feel like I have a knife in my chest.

Ten years later, and I haven’t been able to wrap myself around this. This is the fault line in my life. Everything is either ‘before’ or ‘after’. And after sucks. Before had problems, but after bites big donkey balls. As an only child.

So, you may be wondering, why am I telling you? Well, here’s the thing. I have to tell someone, and I moved to this city I don’t really like about four months ago, and I don’t really have any friends here. In the city, where I used to live, I had a bunch of friends, and I would have been able to hang out with someone, and maybe talk about it or maybe not. My husband wouldn’t have remembered, but he probably would have picked up on the crying and figured it out. But, since I don’t live with him anymore, the only clue he’s going to get is this thread. And that’s not really good enough.

I’m not at all good about asking for help when I need it. I was supposed to be perfect, after all. Didn’t they tell us that at some point? I’m sure I remember that lesson, I just can’t remember who taught it. I can barely accept help if it’s offered, and then only sometimes. That’s why I’m typing on a message board instead of calling a friend. But I just can’t bear to inflict myself like this on someone deliberately, unless I’m paying then for the privilege. (Not to worry, I’m doing therapy, etc). So no reaching out, except fairly anonymously. And you had to click on the link.

From what little I know, suicide can devastate a family.

I hear you sweetie. Keep talking if you’d like.

No silly cyber-huggy bullshit from me, just a woman who has been to hell and back and took the hard way out, and the loan of her shoulder.

Is there one thing you can do today to honor her memory? You try and think of something, and I will to.

Honey, if I’ve learned anything from TV, it’s that perfect only exists in Walgreen’s commercials. You don’t have to be perfect; you just have to function as best you can. And you are.

I’m listening.

It’s not your fault.

I cannot say I know how you feel, because your experience is unique to you. But, I do care. If you did feel that talking with someone might help, I would be available. Or, I could hook you up with a wonderful friend of mine if you feel more comfortable with a woman. Your choice.

btw, my e-mail is public (in profile) and my name is Steve.

Hello, herownself in Atlanta/Decatur. I’m here in Nashville. And I can talk all night if you need to. I can check back every fifteen minutes for as long as you need.

I haven’t experienced anything like the horrors you’ve been through. But depression has been a forty year companion for which I have had to have therapy. The right therapist and meds have made the difference for me. But I remember how it overwhelms completely.

What are you feeling besides depression?

Would you like to talk about your sister? What would you talk about with your friends?

I’m sorry you lost your sister.
Please don’t blame yourself. It was not your fault. And I’m sure she would have wanted you to move on, and not let this drag you down to the point she was at.

Life goes in cycles. As bad as it gets (and I know how bad it gets), eventually it will get good again. It’s okay. Hang on to the idea that, eventually, it’s going to get better. You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to keep up a false front. It’s alright if you slip, or if you have a day where you just want to scream at everyone. We all go through that.

The important thing, is that you know you’re not alone. I won’t offer hugs, but I will offer an ear if and when you feel ready to talk.
D.

We’re still here. You’re not alone.

Having trouble posting? Yeah, the board’s been a little wonky tonight. Hope you get through.

You know, if you don’t want to talk to anyone one on one, just post here again. Like what Zoe asked. Do you want to talk that way? Either choice is a good one. It’s all your descision.

Hopefully, you’re lost in conversation on IM or the phone with one of these wonderful people here. That’s a good thing. They’re here because they want to be. Just like you.

We’ll be avaible whenever you are ready.

Hi, Maureen. I will still be checking back for a while. I’m hoping that maybe she is talking with her husband or one of her friends in Seattle.

Hey, Zoe. Glad you’re around
herownself, I’m on the west coast, and I have a brother that teaches at WSU. It’s possible we know some of the same people. :slight_smile:

Wow. This is surprisingly touching.

Although I know that my sister’s suicide was not my fault, knowing it doesn’t seem to change the fact that I still feel that it was. Or I feel responsible.

I felt responsible for her in many ways during the part of my life that she shared, and being a bratty little sister (for most of it) she played it to the max. When we were teen agers we drifted apart, and when we were young adults (she was 25, we were both in grad school) she died. So we never really got the reconciliation part.

Perhaps that’s why I just can’t get past it.

Anyway, despite the tone of this, I really am mostly ok. And it has helped in an amazing and unexpected way to write this and know that someone is listening. Thank you.

But right now it’s getting late, and I am going to get offline and go to sleep. My head is pounding from crying and my head is swollen and blotchy in funny places, and sleep is the only thing that fixes that.

And tomorrow, I’ve got the 24th to look forward to.

I just want to say again how amazing it is that you are here. Four posts while I was writing a reply is staggering.

And now, because it is the pit, and this is getting frighteningly mushy:

FUCK!!!

I HATE this FUCKING SHIT and how much it FUCKING HURTS!!!

:slight_smile:

Quite right.

I’m glad you found a way that helps yourself. Love that username, too.
Sleep tight. (There’s a Cecil column about that phrase, btw.)

Sleep is good.

I will be checking back from time to time tomorrow. If you want to talk more, just leave a post.

I read a little about you from some previous posts and felt reassured when I saw that you have some good things going on in your life. You will get through this.

You are damned straight. Fuck death and the blasted wall that it puts up.

Wishing you a night of restful sleep.

And while we’re at it, fuck superimposed notions about who’s supposed to be the “smart one” or the “pretty one” or the “good one” or whatever, ad nauseum.

Sleep well. We’ll help you get through the next few days, or however long you need the help.

I’m very sorry about your sister.

Others may disagree, but my personal advice is to do your best not to dwell on this. Something horrible happened, but it’s done, it’s not your fault, and it’s not repairable. Do your best to move on as quickly as you can.

On a practical note, you should work on getting some people back into your life. I’m not sure how you ended up alone in this town living apart from your husband, but I hope you can take some steps to either find friends there, or move to a place with friends.

Offhand I can’t think of many things that rate a hearty rant more, herownself. It sure beats the usual Pit rants over politics and lousy service in fast food joints. Don’t worry about venting. You chose the place well, and gave the info needed. You’re in counseling so you’re already doing what you can to get through this. Maybe Dopers can’t offer much beyond a willing ear because you’ve probably already heard just about all the riffs and variations.

FWIW, it was never within your power to undo the demons that plagued your sister. Her friends couldn’t; you couldn’t. I happen to think that most things must be forgiven of the sick and tormented, so this isn’t in any way a judgement against your sister. She tried hard, but her means of demon handling were destructive to her and ultimately spawned more demons of guilt, regret, fury, sorrow for those she left behind. A helluva lot of anguish would be eliminated if life permited ‘do overs’…but it doesn’t, damnitall anyway.

You say you don’t want hugs, just to let rip, vent out some steam. I sure understand that one, as some horrendous blows have left me momentarily weirdly aversive to even the most tender sympathy. I didn’t want hugs; I wanted to rip something apart, go on plate-smashing, kick-in-the-walls rampage. Punching the stuffing out of pillows and cussing a blue streak–in private–over all the sheer bloody horribleness helped somewhat.

All that said (and this is with mod hat on), I’m going to keep a close eye on this thread, herownself, solely so it doesn’t turn into a dissection of you, your sister, how you’re handling everything, etc. Most rants are about easier, less amorphous things. I’ll close this if it starts getting ugly toward you. We don’t have a middle ground for stops-open, balls out ‘rage against the dying of the light’ and the gentler community in MPSIMS or even IMHO. Don’t underrate the comforting outlet to be found there too, though. For all the dismissive warm fuzzies label, there are a lot of tough minded, scarred veterans of life’s assorted outrages there. The limit isn’t on subject matter, just responses are approached.

In the meantime, get some rest, herownself. Putting yourself through a wringer can’t help or change anything. It’s just misery piled upon too much misery already.

Veb

herownself, you have my sympathies.

And it probably won’t help much for the immediate pain, but remember that “this too shall pass.”

My ex lost a sister; not to a suicide, but a climbing accident in Nepal. But a similar story in terms of the delay between the accident, the death, and the news reaching home (just before Christmas) causing an extended period of anguish. It’s been 21 years … and she still has a hard time on the anniversary. But I think the tenth was the hardest. (She pulled together a memorial gathering of her sister’s friends that year to help deal with it.) I don’t think the sense of loss ever goes away, but the acuteness of the pain definitely subsides, once the anniversary passes.

I hope it helps to know that not only are you not alone, but that the anguish you’re feeling is a perfectly normal part of the greiving process.

Rest well.