Turpentine, I know where you’re coming from. I have suffered from depression all my life. I’ve had a couple Major Depressive episodes that got to the point where I was doing the planning to kill myself, but I never went through with it. I also used to cut myself, but I haven’t in years. I went into a psychiatric unit of a hospital after a depressive episode that scared me because I was cutting myself and wasn’t able to feel the pain. Being in the hospital saved my life and for the most part, it was a good experience.
Depression runs in my family. When I was a child, my mother tried to kill herself in front of me & my brother. (She took a bunch of the anti-depressants she was on and drank a huge glass of vodka) She went to the hospital, had her stomach pumped, and the family continued on in its dysfunctional little way. I come from a family where I was sexually and physically abused, and I witnessed drug and alcohol abuse, and the physical and sexual abuse of my siblings. Needless to say, I’ve been in therapy on and off for many years. I’ve attended Survivors of Incest Anonymous meetings and read lots of self-help and psychology books. I have done a tremendous amount of work on myself. And no, I am not in touch with my family or origin AT ALL, and I’m quite happy that way.
Even with all the reading and talking and such, I’d still get depressed about once a year. Nights were particularly bad. I would lay on the floor and listen to music and cry and cry. I would have lucid periods during the day where I would think, “Wait a minute, why am I getting this depressed? My self-esteem isn’t low like it used to be, I’m in a good life situation, I have a job, friends, a social life, etc. I shouldn’t be feeling this bad.” I realized that I was not in control of the depression, and I wondered if it might be a chemical imbalance. I went to my shrink at the time and he sent me to a psychiatrist who prescribed Zoloft. It’s a relatively new antidepressant that is supposedly similar to Prozac except that it doesn’t have as many side effects. And I’ll tell you, it saved my life. I was getting to that point again where I was starting the serious planning, and I didn’t want to feel that bad. I started taking it around the time that Kurt Cobain killed himself, and I have been on it ever since. I still get depressed, I just don’t go into that deep well that I used to get in. It evened out my moods.
Have you considered an anti-depressant? Are you in a situation where you have the insurance to cover therapy and medication if needed? Maybe that’s what you need, if at least for a while.
I still have moments where I feel empty and lost, but thankfully they are few and far between. I don’t necessarily know if you will be able to “find your soul” (as you so eloquently put it) until you deal with the depression. I could list things that make me feel good now, but I remember that when I was in the throes of depression, nothing could make me feel good. I think that some of the things that helped me were finding a couple of good therapists to work with (before insurance companies started really cracking down on how many visits you could have per year), and putting time and distance between me and my past. I can look at some things that happened differently now than I could when I was an angst-ridden teenager. And finding a stable, healthy person to have a relationship with helped. When I married my husband, it really helped me, because it was a direct slap to all those old beliefs (from being an abuse survivor) that are etched into my soul: that I’m a terrible, bad, stupid, ugly person who doesn’t deserve happiness, that no-one would ever want me because I’m ‘damaged goods’, etc etc. I can look at the ring on my finger and be happy and amazed that something good did happen in my life, and be thankful that my husband is someone who wants to be with me no matter what my past is.
Sorry to go on for so long! But I have a lot to say on the subject. Find a therapist if you can, and discuss going on an anti-depressant. Talk to other people who have been through depression. Take care of yourself and try to find things you enjoy, and then do them. I know it’s hard. It’s especially hard to deal with depression alone. That’s why I’m advising you to find somebody to talk to, whether it’s a psychiatrist, a social worker, or a pastor. It really helped me to talk to other people who have been through the same thing, and know that I wasn’t alone. Good luck.
) and almost as soon as I sat down in the chair I erupted and exploded and there was big oily chunks of Turpentine all over the office. I usually have a hard time talking there.