I am soo tired and just want this to be over with. (pathetic & depressing)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

(The following is very disjointed)

Yes I’m talking about my life, yes I know how it sounds, I’m just so incredibly tired (I’ve been saying that for 40 years). (And yes, I have been check for all sorts of things and up until a few years ago I was healthy than I had any right being.)

I have, since a young age, felt like damaged goods or that I was broken in someway and worthless.

I have tried religion, cursing god (I’m soo going to hell), positive thinking, food (I’m twice the size I should be), (I stayed away from street drugs & alcohol because I had seen the damage they could do early on and didn’t want to temp fate (maybe I should have).)

I have had help, it didn’t. Been in & out of therapy since I was 9, the last 15 years (1995-2010) it was continuous with about a dozen or so different medications (I lost count). I guesstimate I have seen some 40 different mental health people in that time (most were just one or two visits), one doctor after 8 years said he couldn’t help me, after two years a hospital run clinic said they couldn’t help me, there have been two Partial Hospitalizations and I applied for ECT (denied). I have been in many different therapy groups and I have done volunteer work (with cats, with people, prefer cats (I would kill to have a cat but that isn’t a good idea)).

No change, no help, so in April 2010, against doctors orders I quit taking all medications and seeing all doctors.

I have contemplated suicide for about 40 years. For much of the past decade or so it’s been a daily thought. I have even made some half-assed weak-assed attempts. My only concern is for my mother and my ex and how it will affect them.

Some people are just broken and nothing can be done for them. I’m one of those people and I want out. With my 50th birthday just a day away it seems like a good time. I like the neatness of living exactly 50 years (or nearly so).

I have tried to deal and failed multiple times. It’s time to act like a man, man up, grow a pair, and just do it.

I just afraid that I’m too fat to climb over the damn railing.

In the end I almost certainly won’t do it. I’m a wuss after all. I never thought that I would live this long. (I really thought that we all were destined to be vaporized before the start of the 1990’s). And then there is my mother. I’m concern about her, not that I love her, but she is almost 76. I guess for her sake I’ll just wait until she dies, before offing myself. I just hope it isn’t too much longer. Yeah, I’m a stellar human being.

2

WHOA…whoa…hold your horses nelly…grab some whiskey cause it sounds like you need it. Look bro, you’re not the only one with freaking problems, some of have to convince ourselves just to get out of bed half the time. The thing that keeps us going is the small stuff in life, I mean I’m talkin’ small, like something as stupidly mundane as playing video games or watching TV. I know exactly what you’re feeling, everyone does, but none of it should ever keep you down. You need to find something that you enjoy doing, not just recreationally, but you need to find a job that you consider exciting. I’m a video editor, I love my job cause I get to create things, I put my mind and soul into, awesome intros, flashy FX, perfectly timed edits… You need to find something that you love to do, something that makes others around you praise your talents. I get down myself now and again, I’ve even contemplated the whole roof jumping thing, after a couple days of being depressed though, I eventually tell myself I’m not depressed, it works every time, I just snap out of it, grab some vodka, and watch Daniel Tosh make and ass out of himself (or something like that). Bro, don’t do this to yourself, life is good man, you just need to tell yourself that. If you want my opinion, there’s no doctor, preist, or psychologist that can fix you, you need to fix yourself. Positive thinking is good for this, as soon as a negetive thought enters your head, shove it out. Take a walk, talk to people, ask them how their day is going, sure they might look at you funny and even think your nuts, but who cares, you’re you, nothing can change that, just keep smiling, if you smile constantly, you’ll eventually start smiling inside. If you need to talk to someone about something I’ll talk bro, I’ve got some experience with this and try to help you through it.

Talk anytime, Foggy

BT
3

Bosstrain has some great ideas. Listen to him.

Another thing you should do - “Fake it until you make it.” That is also good advice. Just keep pushing yourself with that smile on your face and pretend that everything is OK in your world. Keep pretending. So many of us do that, and it does work.

Hope today is a better day for you.

4

You say you’re overweight, believe me this is not helping at all, depression is made worse and is also a cause of gaining weight. Set a goal, try to lose the extra pounds by next year for example (or whatever time period is reasonable). My solution for not gaining weight, even though I sit down most of the time at my PC, Is to only eat breakfast and lunch, no dinner, and I’ve stayed lean and mean ;). DO NOT eat processed foods, eating real food is the key, you can eat whatever you want, so long as it doesn’t come in a can or is powder in a box, bread can also be bad too. Sugar is the absolute worst thing you can eat, stay away.

Feeding your depression with food will not only make your mental state worse, but it will also make you physically feel bad, making it even harder to think positive. I’ve got plenty more tips on this if your interested, trust me, you can beat this thing, you’ve just got to tell yourself that. :slight_smile:

5

I just wanted to post to say keep fighting it. Don’t give in. Stick around - even if it’s just one day at a time. I, for one, am pulling for you.

6

Why can’t you get a cat?

You’ve been to enough therapy that I doubt anyone can tell you anything new. Maybe a cat will help. If you’re allergic take claritin. If you’re landlord won’t let you have one find a different place. If you can’t afford it see if you can be a cat foster home.

7

Do you exercise at all? I’m not doing it now because I can’t afford the gym, but my depression was helped a great deal by working out. It’s a real bitch at first, but stick with it and both physical and mental results will follow.

Good luck…I really hope things get better for you.

8

Ummm…not trying to be insensitive to your suggestion, but why a cat? The OP needs people, not animals, IMO. It’s cool if cats help, I wouldn’t know, I’ve never asked my cat to help before :), dogs seem to be better and feeling what you feel, they are extremely emotional creatures, though people say otherwise, but still, people I think are better for this, just my opinion. Depression is a terrible thing, it can feed off anything, the only thing it can’t feed off of is people that actually want to help you feel better, I know, I’ve been there many times. Sometimes I can shake it off on my own without any help at all, other times the only solution is to talk to someone, I actually joined this forum not long ago because I merely wanted to talk, get stuff of my chest, I didn’t even need to talk about my depression at all, just knowing I could talk to people whenever I wanted to did wonders for me. Most people are way to busy to have a back and forth chat, but on a forum, I found that the conversation could be infinite, you don’t have to respond right away, you can do so at will and never lose track, the SDMB has helped in many ways to fight my own depression, and without even having to mention it once or get advice, that’s the power of other people. :slight_smile:

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You’re not the only here who feels this way. Here’s the number for the national suicide prevention hotline (Assuming you’re in the US, which you may not be, I don’t know) -
1-800-273-TALK (8255)

there’s also a chat feature at their website.

10

The OP stated that he would “kill to have a cat” and there is some evidence that having a pet can help people who are depressed.

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I think you should stick around. Why? Because fuck them, that’s why.

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Oooooh…forgot about that part, excuse me. I still recommend people over cats though, but cats are interesting and no two are alike, they always have a different personality.

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If you can’t get a cat, look into other small animals. Rabbits make great pets. You’ve done volunteer work. Have you ever thought about being a foster house for small animals? I know someone who fosters rabbits and she finds it very rewarding. Having an animal depend on you can really make your life feel more worthwhile.

14

There is a program called 9 Lives which places momma cats with new litters in foster homes for a few weeks. The foster owners are asked to play with and handle the kittens during caretaking, because if they’re acclimated to humans it makes them easier to adopt.

The kittens & momma cat go home after a few weeks, the program provides the food and cages if you need them, and you don’t have to have a permanent cat.

You might look into that.

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Oy, and maybe a little gevalt…the cat people are here, don’t get me wrong I love cats, all animals in fact (but I’m not a vegetarian). The problem is severe depression though, it sounds to me like the OP is a little beyond the ‘animals will help you feel needed’ act. In fact, I’m getting a little worried that there hasn’t been a response to any of this, maybe just because the OP hasn’t logged on in a while, but I’m concerned about it. Foggy may have just started this thread to tell someone and didn’t plan on checking it later at all or something like that, who knows. However, the pet thing isn’t going to work IMO, not with this level, a more life changing experience is needed I think. Serotonin imbalance is probably a serious factor here, especially if this has been going on since age 9 until 49, could also be a bipolar issue, either way Foggy needs more than cats, they may make things feel better for while, true, not disputing that, but speaking from experience, this needs to be tackled hardcore, and I’m not playin’ when I say some good hard laughs are necessary. Fresh air, sunshine, water, weight loss and yes, a gin and tonic (unless Foggy’s the ‘cry in your beer’ type, then no). Check the OP’s profile (I even sent a PM for good measure), there’s a depressing call for death, I believe this means Foggy’s been in a deep dark hole for quite a while, and has to just snap out of it. Sometimes depression can not only darken the sunlight, but also make you hide from it, and a rainy or otherwise cloudy climate can often keep you there, once again, I know what I’m talking about, I’d send an email if I could, but there isn’t one listed. This is serious guys, even if Foggy isn’t desperate enough to ‘do it’, it’s still a miserable life. I just hope and pray that the OP wasn’t working up the courage to actually end it, I know a little bit about that too.

16

Something to think about: There’s something about turning 50 that makes a difference with depression.

Not sure what, not sure why, but getting through the other side of middle age and into the later years seems to make the brain chemistry settle down some.

Yes, I know, some people wait until they get to 50 to get depressed for the very first time. I’m not talking about them, that’s another basket of trouble, I suspect related more to hormones/late mid-life stuff. This is directed more towards those who have nearly always had reason to be sad.

I was a lot more miserable in my 40s than I am now … and I have even more trauma and crisis to deal with nearly every day than I did then (though it certainly seemed sad and severe at the time, and it probably was, though my attitude didn’t help). “Same shit, different day.” But somehow – without meds, 'cause they didn’t work for me – I’m handling things better.

I do make sure that I eat regular healthy meals, and I exercise some (I should probably exercise more). I sleep as much as I need, just getting enough sleep makes a difference. I take vitamins when I think to.

Some days I even have an optimistic outlook. (From someone who has a gazillion not so good things going on, including not enough gainful employment, this is a miracle.) For example, we’ve had some really pretty days this week and I was outside and looked up at the sky and the clouds were so beautiful I just had to stand there and marvel at the horizon for a while, just taking it all in. And we had some rain in the evening and the smell of the rain was sweet. I even saw a few lightning bugs after the rain and that was a nice little light show. All of it gladdened my heart.

I’m more open to this kind of goodness than I ever was before. And more appreciative and grateful every day.

It’s very hard to see that kind of beauty all around you when you’re heartsick and in pain from the million little cuts life inflicts upon you. But I promise you, it’s there.

Don’t let “the black dog” hold you down.

Have any of you checked out this place? http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/ It looks promising.

I also did something I haven’t done since I was a kid. I got prayer beads and started using them – I bought a rosary, I made a set of Buddhist beads as well – that was therapy after the death of a dearly loved Buddhist friend. I’m not trying to push any religion on anyone but I do try to spend a bit of my day in meditation. And I do pray. Sometimes it’s “any god out there, keep me from screaming at this moment when I need to so much.” That’s a prayer too. :slight_smile:

Hang in there. It does get better, it does.

17

Note: the following is just my own perspective, that of someone who was severely plagued by depression in my early 20’s (now late 40’s):

  1. You need to realize just how attached you are to your depression. First hint: your depression isn’t you, but depressives (believe me I know) come to identify with their negative feelings so obsessively that they fool themselves into thinking they constitute their main identity, and thus can’t even imagine letting go of them, fearing a complete loss of it in the process. Once you realize that you aren’t your feelings, you have taken the first step.

Ever note that little part of you which stands back, and apart, from all your suffering, and watches every thing, every feeling in your life, without attachment, without fear or sadness or even happiness? Focus on that, become that, let go of everything else, let it become your entire world. Yes doing that is scary, but what’s the focking alternative-to blow your brains out? This blog post is just one I happened across on Google just now, but after reading it, it sums up what I am trying to say very well.

  1. As intimated above, you will have to completely transform your life. I’m not talking about changing religions or anything conventional like that, but a wholesale remaking of your view, crew and brew. Like others have said, start with your weight (if a lazy idiot like me can lose 40 pounds you can too, and more), but you must have the total inner commitment to do so (dabbling halfheartedly in various things won’t do it).

I don’t know exactly what form it will take for you; for me it started with focusing on nature, getting away from my ego into places, into communion with creatures which helped expand and then totally upend my old perspectives. For other people it might be art, little kids, old people, music-the possibilities are as endless as the world itself. All I know is that I’ve cultivated a joy that has completely transcended (almost-yeah I’m still an idiot when it comes to certain things) all of my prior obsessions.

Hope these ramblings help.

18

First, let me say this: a coworker of mine just killed himself on Tuesday. It sucked for everyone who knew him, whether we were friends with him or not. It sucks for his family, and it sucks for him, because he’s dead - anything he had to offer the world is snuffed out. And I firmly believe that everyone has something to offer the world. Hell, even Stalin made the trains run on time.

I don’t know you, but I can say with 100% certainty that I don’t want you to kill yourself.

You’re not a wuss if you can’t go through with it - it’s death, man, and it’s final. And you haven’t failed - you’ve succeeded at staying alive. Life can be a long, hard slog sometimes - and if you suffer from depression, well, that’s not easy. But isn’t there something, anything, that you enjoy? Anyone you feel you have positively affected in your life?

I’ll start - I can say for myself, I’ve gotten a laugh or few from your posts on occasion - there’s that. Your turn.

19

Yes, let’s get some heavy hitters in here, great posts, keep’em coming!
We’re all worried about you bro, hang in there.

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I feel compelled to clarify - when I say “I’ve gotten a laugh or few from your posts”, I do not mean these sorts of posts. These sorts of posts are no fun. :frowning: But when you try, you can be quite funny, and I would miss that.