I am soo tired and just want this to be over with. (pathetic & depressing)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Foggy, I’m not going to give you advice or tell you not to kill yourself. Sometimes throwing advice at someone makes things worse, not better. And I don’t care what anyone says. No one knows exactly how you feel. Even if one has been through major depression themselves, everyone’s experience is different. Everyone has a different set of demons who won’t leave them alone. Everyone has a different tape looping negative thoughts in their heads. Everyone has a different reason for feeling hopeless. Everyone hasn’t tried as hard as you have.

I like cats too. On my long walks I say hi to all the neighborhood cats. Sometimes they rush over to me and rub their little meow-meow faces against my leg. Maybe they think I have some food for them. Or maybe they’re lonely and just need someone to love on. Because cats are often picky, their affection make me feel special.

Maybe a walk around the block will clear your head some. Maybe a cat will come out and say hello to you.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad.

22

You just never know what’s going to help someone, there’s no reason to be ugly about it.

It did make me giggle for you to call me a ‘cat people’. I haven’t had a cat in 30 years.

23

If you enjoyed working with the cats maybe it would not be a bad idea to try getting involved in that again. It’s possible that you were put in this world to help some of the numerous suffering and unloved cats out there.

Why were you turned down for ECT? It is a pretty effective treatment for depression that doesn’t respond to meds, so I would not give up all hope until you had exhausted options including ECT.

What exactly did those doctors say when they said they couldn’t help you? Did they offer any suggestions for other things to try? As a physician myself, I can say this: Sometimes docs have too much of an ego and when they come to realize that they have nothing left to offer a patient, they can sometimes believe (and lead the patient to believe) that that means that the entire medical field has nothing left to offer, which is NOT necessarily true.

24

I think that was Mussolini. I’d be hard-pressed to think of something Stalin offered the world.

25

You know, Wednesday and Thursday were that for me. I have bouts of depression and for some reason, eating anything containing gluten makes it worse. Much, much worse. I spent the last two days counting the number of ways I suck, how much better everybody else would be without me dragging them down, reviewing my plans for killing myself in a way that left as little mess to clean up as possible, and practically fantasizing about knives - because intellectually, I understand that cutting oneself releases endorphins, and lemme say, just about anything that could have taken the edge off the psychic pain I was in would have been worth it.

Certain things help.

  • I know at those times that my brain is broken. The chemistry is wrong, and what is going on inside my brain does not accurately reflect the outside world. Therefore, what I am experiencing is an illusion. An incredibly sucky, excruciatingly painful illusion, but still an illusion.

  • I know that if those feelings get overwhelming, there are lifelines. I posted on Facebook that I was having a Bad Brain Day and needed positive reinforcement. I got it. If it had gotten worse, I would have started down my list of friends to call. If that didn’t work, I’d have called the suicide hotline. If that didn’t work, I would pack a bag, go to the ER, and ask them to please keep me from harming myself.

  • Sunlight. Go sit in the damn sunlight and manufacture some Vitamin D. Believe it or not, it helps.

  • Go for a walk. Yes, it’s stupid. Yes, it’s pointless. Yes, it’s all those things my broken, neurotransmitter-mangled brain thinks it is. Do it anyway. Like sunlight, it really does help.

There’s a Yahoo group for members of the Straight Dope board with depression. It’s called Cecil’s Place. It’s not the most lively of email lists, but if you post there, you will get responses, sympathy, ears, advice, or whatever else you ask for.

And you know what, Foggy? I have never met you or really interacted with you on this board, but you are a fellow human being and sufferer. Therefore, I love you. I love you because you matter, because you are decent, because you are in pain, and because I am connected to and need you.

“No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend’s or of thine own were: any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for thee.” - John Donne.

That is why I love you. That is why you matter. So, please, take care, okay?

26

Hey man, I understand you. A lot of what you said in your OP sounds like me. Not all of it, but enough that I understand you, even if not perfectly. Most of us ain’t pro’s but most of us been there a time or two, some of us lived there a looong time man. Bosstrain and SnakesCatLady got some good advice on the weight/fitness stuff. You got people here that don’t want to see you go that way man. You’re a stellar enough human to still be concerned about your mom even though you say you don’t care. That means something still in you ain’t broke yet

27

Thank you for your concern. I don’t know what else to say right now, this may not have been a good idea.

It’s 4am and I’m going to bed now…

28

I got nothin’ but ((hugs)), hon. Depression sucks ass :frowning:

And yes this was a good idea, because dammit sometimes you just gotta talk, ya know?

29

Yo, Foggy, remember you can talk whenever you want, you need to get stuff off your mind, don’t keep it all built up inside, there’s no point, let it out bro.

You need to go from Foggy to Froggy, the good kind I mean! :wink:

30

Absolutely - if posting helped you get through whatever you’re feeling now, then we’re all glad you did, ** Foggy**.

31

I want this over with now.

I am so tired of all of this.
That’s pathetic and it doesn’t even begin to truly express just how soul* crushing exhausted I feel.

[Bunch of pathetic, self-pitying, victimizing, entitlement, liberal bullshit that I’m not posting]

I tried to do the right thing, but it all turn out wrong. I prayed for forgiveness, I prayed for guidance, it never came.

[More stupid shit not being posted]

I keep trying to get a handle on the shit in my head.
It’s a chemical imbalance; it’s a genetic flaw, its corrupted thinking, its BULLSHIT!

I didn’t have enough faith in god or the American way, truth, justice; apple pie (always preferred cheesecake – guess that’s a faggy thing to do)

What is the common denominator in all the failures in my life? Me. My best effort was simply not good enough.

I have been collecting Social Security Disability for 15 years now. I have pulled more out of the system than I ever put in. In other words I’m a leech, a burden on society.

I have an overwhelming desire to sit on the floor, in a corner of my tiny hotel room and cut open my wrists.
I won’t because, one it’s messy, two it’s harder to do then you would think (tried to do it 22 years ago and well I’m still here) three Friday is my mother’s 76th birthday and that would just not be fair to her. So I will wait just 4-5 more weeks. I will collect another $850.40 of your hard earn tax payers dollars for the last time.

It’s a 4 second drop to the water, I understand that I will probably crap my shorts before I hit. I do feel sorry for the guys who have to pull my 400lb corpse from the bay (assuming it isn’t washed out to sea never to be seen again)
I never read her book, but this quote of hers

No, no it isn’t.

32

Dude, this thread wont do a thing to help you. You can give DBSA a try, but that place can be a trainwreck sometimes. It is full of people struggling in a similar way.

I know what you are going through. I’m bipolar myself, and have seen and done it all. You dont need internet hugs or cats fercrissakes. I just turned 50, and went through the wringer for more than 20 years. I’ve been off meds for a long time, and I’m living a very happy life. I even laugh about some of the absurd shit that was part of my life.

All of our disorders are different, and affect everyone differently. I had to find the answers on my own, because nobody really understands what you feel. If you want to hit me up and talk, shoot me a PM.

33

Quit looking internally. There are adults out there who can’t read. Help them. There are animals that need to be adopted. You can walk a dog, can’t you? Help them. There are people who don’t eat except for food donated at soup kitchens. You can dole out soup for them, no? Help them.

If you can’t help yourself, then by God, help someone else. You’re focusing on your worthlessness instead of your worth. And you are terribly critical of yourself, possibly because your brain chemistry is screwed up. So recuse yourself from judgement based on your bias.

Depression is a crappy disease. Killing yourself will just give it one more victory.

Keep up the fight, Foggy. We’re all cheering you on. But you won’t hear it as long as you’re focused on that destructive voice in your head.

34

I think **PunditLisa’s **advice is right on.

You’re thinking too damn much. Sitting around and pondering how worthless you think you are (which is not true, BTW) only makes things worse.

Get your mind on something else. Go out. Do something. Get a hobby. Help people. Help animals. Doing *anything *is 1000X better than sitting around and sulking.

35

Get out and hike on a beach-get as much sunshine as you can handle! Walk till you are tired-and take a swim.
than, when you are hungry, get a nice meal…and savor it.
Sometimes you need to get out and savor life-you may well be Vitamine D and C deficient.
Bt get out in the sun.

36

Your ego seems very attached to your problems, in what you’ve written. Has anyone ever suggested what you really need is to stop being so focused on you? Your problems may diminish if you had distraction from thinking about yourself 24/7.

I know it’s the truth whenever I hear that song lyric, ‘…life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone…’ But, y’know what? It’s true for everyone, the healthy and well, and the depressed and ill.

My brother committed suicide, I watched him struggle and suffer for many years. He was capable loving, of making a contribution, of being a decent man, everyone agreed. But none of that mattered because he couldn’t see it. He didn’t want to see it. He saw meds and Drs as proof of his failure as a man. As time passed he became more and more attached to this paradigm. It was pure delusion, but he still clung to it like it was all he had.

What have you got to lose at this point? Stop thinking how you’re thinking, that’s how you got where you are. Refuse to think today, like you thought yesterday. Insist on thinking differently, force yourself to do it. Lay your burden down already. Refuse to put the yoke of it all on your shoulders for one day, you can do it, if you try. One twenty four hour period without passing judgment on yourself could make all the difference. Please try.

We’re all pulling for you, hoping you can find your way. Good luck!

37

My mom was the same way, tried to kill herself…
want to know what happened?

gassed herself in a Datsun , 1980

38

I feel for you. I’ve felt much the same way and have just been keep on slogging on through life. I would say, though, avoiding alcohol, much as it helped for about 15 minutes a day, was a wise decision on my part.

I would be interested if anyone could suggest any useful self-help books. I’d like to find one on meditation - Deepak Chopra? - I know most of them are a waste of time, but I’d like to know if there are ANY that are at all useful. There’s so much of this stuff. (Maybe I should just take a yoga class and exercise more.)

39

It’s probably out of print, so check on line and in second hand book stores, for a book called, The Portable Therapist, (by Susanna McMahon, PhD, Dell, 1994)

I have loved and cherished this book for ages. I easily give away my books as a rule, but never this one, I have lent it out, but not without trepidation.

It’s the most asked questions, by people in therapy, and the answers. If you’ve been in therapy you know, the answer might be easy, but just because you can hear it, doesn’t mean you can ‘hear’ it. Sometimes you need to read it over and over and over, until the words/meaning really gets through.

The answers are all a couple of pages long, at most. And the answers are written in easy to read language, no psycho babble or buzz words. And when you read them, you think, “Well, yeah, duh, it seems so clear now!” But within a few hours it will slip from your knowledge and when you next read it, you’ll think, “How did I manage to forget this again?”

I have had this book for probably a decade and I still go to it and read things. Usually when I find myself thinking over something and feeling, “What am I missing here?”

Of course, not every book speaks to everyone, but this one has proved invaluable to me. See if you can find a copy, try a library maybe.

I’ve read a ton of such books, this one really stands out for me and has proven quite valuable.

40

PunditLisa is right.

One must become “other” directed.

For me, that didn’t mean religion, but it did mean being of use to other people.

Francis of Assisi had some good ideas about that, though I don’t go along with his overall theology.

Seek rather to comfort than to be comforted, to understand than to be understood, to love rather than to be loved.

When I worked to help others, I felt better about myself. Purely as a byproduct, it seems.