"Coward's way out"; attitudes to suicide

[Foggy]

@Mr.Kobayashi

Please, please see a doctor or even call a helpline before you do anything. Even thinking about it is a sign that things are seriously wrong.

@Sudden_Kestrel

I won’t try to argue with you; I know exactly what you mean. I’ve lived in that place off and on for much of my life, alternating between exhausted resignation and overwhelming anguish. I do hope you can find some kind of relief before you make that ultimate choice, Foggy. My heart goes out to you.

I appreciate your concern, but I have had help and it didn’t. Here is what I wrote back in August:

@Foggy

I have had help, it didn’t. Been in & out of therapy since I was 9, the last 15 years (1995-2010) it was continuous with about a dozen or so different medications (I lost count). I guesstimate I have seen some 40 different mental health people in that time (most were just one or two visits), one doctor after 8 years said he couldn’t help me, after two years a hospital run clinic said they couldn’t help me, there have been two Partial Hospitalizations and I applied for ECT (denied). I have been in many different therapy groups and I have done volunteer work (with cats, with people, prefer cats (I would kill to have a cat but that isn’t a good idea)).

No change, no help, so in April 2010, against doctors orders I quit taking all medications and seeing all doctors.

I have contemplated suicide for about 40 years. For much of the past decade or so it’s been a daily thought. I have even made some half-assed weak-assed attempts. My only concern is for my mother and my ex and how it will affect them.

Some people are just broken and nothing can be done for them. I’m one of those people and I want out. With my 50th birthday just a day away it seems like a good time. I like the neatness of living exactly 50 years (or nearly so).

I have tried to deal and failed multiple times. It’s time to act like a man, man up, grow a pair, and just do it.

I just afraid that I’m too fat to climb over the damn railing.

I have done or tired nearly everything people suggested in that thread to no avail.