About losing it (very long.)

The BBQ Pit
1

You have to be careful living in this world or you’ll lose it, believe me, I know. You’ll work a shitty job for a year screwing caps onto bottles and get a glorious promotion to cleaning the place. The job is dirty and it sucks, but at least you don’t have to just stand in place for 8 hours everyday. You follow their rules and do the nasty, dirty, smelly work. You work on Saturday early in the morning scraping fuel additives that have congealed on the floor into a drain. The stuff has a smell that could only be described as gear oil and rubbing alcohol mixed together and you have to run outside to puke up stomach acid three times since you didn’t have time for breakfast. It burns your throat and makes your voice hoarse. But soon its over, you can go home, shower, and pack your pipe and play call of duty, wishing that you had a real machine gun. Let that fat old hag with black teeth lord her undeserved supervisory position over you with an M-240 up her left nostril. Wouldn’t be so fucking cocky then, would she?. The other players are baffled as to why you just won seven games in a row. Hatred and anger are great motivators, that’s why.

You stopped taking the stupid zoloft, It is horribly addictive and you feel sick and dizzy when you forget to take it. It destroys your sex drive, you hadn’t had a meaningful erection for months you managed to jerk off successfully twice in the 8 months you were taking it.

After a week of not taking the zoloft you feel horrible, you have no energy. It takes three huge cups of coffee for to to stay awake and you hate coffee, never needed it before, it tastes like shit. This feeling lasts for a month and a half.

You finally have enough and quit the job, seeing starvation and homelessness,

or worst of all, living at your father’s house as slightly less torturous and soul draining than taking endless shit from a bunch of overpaid assholes who think $8.30 per hour mandates some supreme effort and fanatical devotion to mopping floors.

Wanting to die but seeing suicide as cowardly you move in with dad. Dad is an asshole and always has been. He neglected his family all his life, Bringing the household into debt with his obsession with auto racing. When you were 13, he got a 10,000 dollar loan against his house and spent 8,000 if it on a new race car. Your mother has to work 12 hour shifts wiping old people’s asses because dad mysteriously loses his job right before the start of the racing season. All this is not so bad by itself, you know many other who had it worse. But its made worse by dad constantly droning on about how ungrateful you are and while saying this forgetting you supported his worthless ass for a year while he refused to work even though he could. He wants money from you but refuses to drive you 14 miles into town to look for work.You guess the ignorant dipshit thinks you have some other choice or want to live with him. You do have another option, but you’ll be damned if you fuck up your sister’s life and inconvenience her, She has a life, a good man and a home. You consider begging her for help, but you already owe her a shitload and cant bring yourself to drop to that level.You have trouble living with yourself because you have the same dream about dad hanging over a ledge grabbing your hand and you letting him fall, and for some reason the rest of the dream is a blur but you could only feel happiness within it until you woke. It makes you sick inside like when you were 12 and shot that sparrow with your BB gun.

You look around at the world. So much bullshit. And you cant help but see the black comedy in the idea that people actually believe some loving, benevolent god designed it all for them. You see people marching in protest with signs that say “get a brain Morans!” and “get your government hand off my medicare” You wish you could make their heads explode with your mind like in scanners.

You start staying inside you have nothing to watch but judge shows and maury povich, you want all of these people to die for being so stupid. You know its fake, but it still pisses you off.

You start staying in your room all day watching old Mystery Science Theater DVD’s and playing fallout and waiting for a response to the few jobs you have been able to apply for. You are lower than low with no end to the descent in sight. You post a long thread on a message board with a bunch of random personal bullshit. You know people are going to post telling you to "buck up"or maybe post about how you’re and asshole wanting attention. But you don’t care you just need to spit this shit out because you are trapped in this rural hell and there is no one worth talking to here.

You know how bad it is, but you pledge to stay strong and not lose it. But you get a sinking feeling in your chest and chills in your spine when you wonder if you lost it a long time ago.

Your sole comfort is saying to yourself: “its only going up from here”.

2

Cheer up, you can always try a nice spot o tea, or a cappuccino (if you have the dough). Coffees vary in quality. Milk can help. They say dunkn donrts is good. I too would be feeling pretty down if I didn’t enjoy my morning coffee. I take two cappuccinos, no sugar, a lil cinnamon (Cinnamomum verum, none of this cassia bullshit) on top. I sometimes have a hard time falling asleep because I look forward to the mornin fix so damn bad. It’s like xmas morning evry mornig.

3

I tried tea it always makes some weird slimy coating on the roof of my mouth and tongue and it had a wicked aftertaste that was nasty. I don’t use caffeine normally and seldom ever drink any hot drinks.

4

What about milk teas like chai milk tea?

At least Judge Judy is good. The others suck, but you can always trust judge Judy to set em straight.

5

Cammacdon I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. Your post really touched a nerve with me. It was raw and honest. I am going through a similar thing. It is extremely difficult. I know there is nothing anyone can say to make it better, but just know that there are others out there thinking about you, and in a similar struggle.

6

Waaaa! Mr Simspon? We all have nosebleeds.
Nah, but seriously, you are pissed off because they expected you to work hard at your job?
Which you then quit, which would inevitably make you live off a family member?

Methinks you inherited a lot of traits from your father.

I’m sorry if minimum wage isn’t good enough for you, but someone has to do those jobs.

It just sounds like you think your better than everyone around you, but you don’t seem to have any objective basis for thinking that - stop looking down on your peers and try and befriend them.

7

Yes because you clearly know enough about me, my family, and such job to make such a judgment.

Why is it that every time someone has something remotely negative to say about their job/life/anything, some jackass such as yourself has to parachute in with a bad attitude? People like you always seem to appear to let other people know how weak they are all while conveniently hiding behind the anonymity of the internet. Could it be because you are the weak one?

The first sign of a weakling coward is one who posts with the tough guy shtick. The most laughable thing in your post is that first you first mock me, then insult me, then make broad judgments about people and places you know absolutely nothing about. And then have the audacity to tell me to befriend my peers instead of looking down on them? Didn’t you just write an entire post looking down on me?

Don’t worry Laudenum, maybe someday ill let you shower me with your great wisdom. Assuming that you, in your small-mindedness, ever manage to possess any.

8

How, exactly, is it only going up from here? You need a plan, is what I’m saying. Do you have a plan?

It doesn’t need to be a foolproof plan, or even a strong plan, just a plan - something you want to be doing in the future. Instead of passing time at your job just waiting to get back home where you can pack a bowl and not care anymore.

9

When I read it back, it was harsher than I intended, but tbvfh if you don’t want judgement, don’t write an account of your life that makes you sound like an asshole.

I’ve met people who would describe their life in the way you just described it, and most of them felt that they were too smart, too ‘intellectual’ to hang around with people they worked with, that they were smarter than their managers, and that their family, who they have no problem living off, were somehow bad people, convieniently ignoring the fact that even though they are now adults, their families still took them back and paid for them, because the family kept bugging them to move on in life - a reasonable attitude to take when your 30+ year old returns to the nest and settles in.

I’m not wise, but nor am I that small-minded, and one thing I’ve noticed is that most people are fundamentally nice - if everyone around you seems like a jerk, the problem is probably you, even if you aren’t sure why.

If you just want sympathy, then write something to make you more sympathetic.

I’m sorry your life sucks, but your father probably thought he was free and clear, and now he finds out that he is left supporting his adult son who can’t pay rent and spends ‘all day watching old Mystery Science Theater DVD’s and playing fallout’.

10

You sound educated; have you been to college? Do you have any training or expertise? Apart from that, do you have anything that motivates you or makes you feel supremely alive?

Apart from that x2, if I was in your situation I would swallow your pride and gently probe your sister’s situation. If it seemed she was not unduly suffering, I would ask her for some assistance. She’s your sister. She loves you and wants you to do well.

11

Have you been checked for opticorectaliosis? Your symptoms seem typical of that condition.

12

Hey. Life out there sucks until we can make it better, and thats just a cold fact. In this economy, we all have to bite that sandwich. I’m not in the job I should be, I don’t make what I should, I don’t have benefits or health care (and I have kids). Maybe I’m not not pushing a mop, but you aren’t cursed at 40hrs a week & judged on how well you take it. Either way, there are a Lot of people here who have it as bad or worse, so maybe you can take some comfort in that. We really Are all in this together…but maybe if we come up with ideas or plans to help or support each other, we can work our way clear of this mess.

I’ll go first. You need a resume that lists all your education & job skills. You need to look in the paper for jobs and see which ones you qualify for & which ones you could be semi happy at. Apply there as well as through CareerBuilder & Monster. Then you need a mirror to practice your presentation (you’re going to need to positive attitude the living sh-t out of any interview you get).

Do you have a suit, suit shirt, tie & dress shoes? You need to keep them clean, ironed, wrinkle free, shined, and at the ready. Do you have copies of your resume? Print them on bond paper. Do you have some sort of brief bag to keep them in along with a list of references? (I’m really hoping that there were people at your last jobs who’ll stand up for you)

Getting from A to B could be trouble, so you need to look at bus schedules and at any mass transit that they have at all by you. Other wise, you may need to ride along with your Mom when she goes to work and limit your canvassing to a few square miles around there (make sure you get back before her quitting time so you can get home).

Once you have a job, you need to start looking for how pay your Mom something and how you can start saving to pay your part of the rent at the time you move out. You also need to see what it would cost to get a beater-car that runs (it will help with the commute). You have issues with your parents, but they took you in when they could have pretended they didn’t know you. When you / until you move out, you need to remember that. Sometimes you can find that the truth of a person lies a lot closer to what they’ll do for you than how they bitch about it.

Either way, you need to know that we’re rooting for you. You Can do this without getting pwned. You just need to work at it, just like you did with Call of Duty. Its a lot of work, but if you take it in stages,
you’ll be amazed at what you can do.

PS- Until you get this sorted, you will have a Lot to do. You might need to put down the controller for a while until you have a grip on it all.

13

Maury Povich is fake?

14

It’s like I said in another thread, when it’s somebody else’s problem, the solution is always easy. The OP is suffering from depression. That thing most of you have that bounces you back up after you’ve been feeling low for a while? That thing that makes you go “Allright, self, enough of this sadsack business, time to go out there and git 'er done?” The OP’s is not working properly. I can see some of you mean well by telling him what you think he needs to hear, which is nice, but based on what he said, I don’t think the whole “tough love” approach is going to work here.

And then there will always be people who either have to kick somebody when they’re down or have to confirm their worldview that only lazy and stupid people ever get depressed. That’s why I would never post something like the OP on this or any other message board. Really the wrong place to go for help of this kind.

15

Situations like this really do suck. I can’t really say from personal experience, just from seeing others around me go through it. I’ve seen a lot of people put up ads on Craig’s List just looking for little things that will help them better themselves. Like an older couple looking for a space heater and converter thingy for their electricity, canned food, favors, just anything. There ARE still generous people out there who will help. You may even find a job on Craig’s list. Maybe try outsourced writing so you can start off slow by working from home. Sounds like you’re just in a low spot and need a bit of inspiration. I, along with many others, are always willing to listen!

16

Looks like I should keep this post around as a reference for a while.

17

You shouldn’t have put this in the pit. You might have gotten some decent advice if you’d put it elsewhere.

I was where you are at one time so I feel your pain. Zoloft worked wonders for me (when I could afford it…it sure sucked coming off it though!) so maybe you should give something else a try?

18

I think part of the problem, cuauhtemoc, is that some others among us have or have had severe depression, and yet don’t feel it is necessary to whine about it in an infantile-sounding way. To be fair, Cammacdon’s post isn’t so bad as these things go. In the real world, people can’t be categorized as merely “depressed” or “normal”. They can also be “depressed and have other personality issues.” Some of us feel empty, constantly experience dread and fatigue and mind-crushing ennui, experience little pleasure, feel un-loved, are utterly cynical, feel alone and have little patience for the those “morons” constantly teeming about us, and so on. But we try not to be boorish about it.

19

There a lot of drugs out there newer than Zoloft that may get the job done with fewer side effects. Also, quitting any antidepressant cold turkey is likely to snap back on you with a few weeks of feeling lousy.

20

Ok. Evidently I’m turning into ‘that guy’ who thinks he can solve other peoples problems. I can’t.
(I may need an intervention. Or a Beating. Or both.)

I wish the OP all the best in getting through his hard times though.