Fuck 30. I can't enjoy it.

The BBQ Pit
1

For those of you who don’t already know (which is most of you), I’ll be turning 30 years of age this Wednesday. This is not going to be a rant about me getting old; in fact I rather look forward to marking off each passing year. Usually.

Instead, this will be a bitch-fest about my not being able to enjoy it due to poverty and the depression that has come with it. Time for another pity-party for the Cap’n! (Feel free to search for my last self-obsessed raving; it was probably similar to this one.)

Save for my family and my small circle of friends, I have nothing to be glad for. Even they bring me little comfort – each year I age, I see my parents come that much closer to death, and I’m jealous of my friends because they aren’t in the hole that I am.

I have had no job for 8 months, hence no money. None at all. I know that I’m not alone in this – employment is at a 20-year low – but it doesn’t change how I feel. I literally could not eat day to day without subsidy from my parents, let alone pay my rent and bills. My rent is larger than their mortgage. They need that money to enjoy what years they have left. I can’t find anything to help lessen their burden – I can’t even get a lousy temp job, and the stores don’t seem to be hiring much holiday help. I’ve pretty much given up on my career path; I’ll take anything minimum-wage and above.

“But Cap’n,” you say. “At least you have your health.” But I don’t. My back and hip hurt me every day, and prevent me from doing the sort of exercise I need to get properly fit. I’m not too bad off yet, except for being about 60 lbs. overweight – not as bad as it sounds, if you could see me. Catch-22: I’d feel better if I lost the weight, but I can’t lose the weight because I hurt too much. For that matter, one side or the other of my family is prone to just about every illness known to science, and I’m just waiting my turn. Diabetes is licking its chops waiting to get its paws on me (it loves chubby people), as are various cancers, cataracts, heart disease, organ failures, and a host of others I don’t care to mention. In addition, I don’t think my anti-depressants are doing their job anymore. Clearly not, or I wouldn’t be posting this whiny shit.

Everywhere I look, I see cousins and friends (all within a few years of me) getting married, buying houses, investing in their futures, having children. I have less than $200 in the bank, live in a studio that vibrates due to the restaurant kitchen beneath it, and don’t even have somebody to snuggle up to and tell me it will get better. If I had such a person, I’d almost certainly have driven her away by now, since I’m no longer able to believe that it will get better. As you may have guessed, I turn nasty when things are this bad this long.

I was prepared for bad times before I lost my job. I was keeping my resume current and circulating, I had almost $10K saved up to see me through any bad periods. Apparently I didn’t do well enough. The money has been gone for a long time. I’ve had maybe 5 interviews in the past 8 months, and none at all since early September.

I can’t have a normal conversation anymore without it turning to at least a passing mention of my miseries. I try not to drag that in, but it’s all that’s going on in my life. I can’t stand listening to myself anymore. The only comfort I take in the phrase “tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life” is the sure knowledge that each day brings me closer to the end of it as well. I have no sense of self-worth, and I keep wondering if there’s a midday drunk driver out there with my name on his front bumper. It would be eaiser than cycling through the mood swings and insomnia that cause me to write shit like this. I keep hoping for a powdery letter with no return address in my mailbox. I’d snort the envelope and eat the letter.

Fear not, Gentle Reader. I have neither the courage nor the cowardice to do anything self-destructive. But I keep hoping for that certin special somebody to say the right words at just the right moment. Then I can get arrested for battery, plead guilty (or even better: “Fuck yourself with a cheese grater, judge!”), and at least have my room and board taken care of. Maybe even a girlfriend named Rahim.

My birthday celebration? A visit with the parents for some home cooking, sympathy, and probably a loan. Then I come back home, try to masturbate (I’ll probably fail to perform), and cry myself to sleep around 5 AM. Business as usual, except for Mom’s cooking.

Looking back on what I’ve written, I realize how maudlin it must appear. Maybe that was the intent. Maybe I just needed to vent. I don’t know anymore. Like some (possibly many) of you, I’m not sure I care either.

2

Damn, I thought I had it bad.

Well, actually I do, but I’m sorry to hear about your plight, as well.

Jet Black

3

Cap’n Crude

In my lame ass life, I figured out one thing, you make of it what you will.

If you see it miserable, then it will be miserable. If you think it sucks, it will suck. As the old saying goes, you reap what you sow.

So, unless you are on depression trip which is physical and chemical in nature then accept it and get help. But if you are just wallowing to wallow in your misery then get off the pot and do something about it.

I am having a hard time telling what your issues are. Potentially you are sucked into a depth of depression. Potentially you are just on the verge of it.

If you haven’t reached that point of no “seemingly” point of return, get off your ass and do what you can to get yourself out of a funk, since this is the Pit. But don’t sit there and whine and moan that you aren’t having what your family has. That’s plain bullshit. You, me, them, we all make our lives what we want them to be. Besides, you will never have what your family members have, they will always have what you want no matter what you say or do. They are in a different path in life than you. Accept the fact you may also have what they don’t have and desire.

If you want happiness (and I stress if you are in a depression, ingore me) then get out there an find what you want. Otherwise, stop whining.

If you are in the throws of a depression then get help, go to MPSIMS and find out how to get it. But don’t whine, moan, bitch and cry.

If you aren’t a depressive (like many in life and in the SDMB) then I will say to you what my daddy says to me “pick yourself by your bootstraps and take life head on.”

If you are a depressive then tell us what the hell is really bothering you and let us help you to get the right help, the correct help you need.

4

I don’t want to patronise you. I don’t want to bore you with obvious comments about you creating problems, and having a negative attitude. I don’t want to ask obvious questions about which low stress exercises you could do, or whether a minimum wage job with some form of gentle physical activity would help you kill two birds with one stone.

So all I’ll say is this. People have pulled themselves out of deeper holes than the one you’re in. You can do it too. All you have to do is choose to use your abilities and intelligence to get back on track.

5

BTW, do what you can to have a Happy Birthday, my 30th was one of my best birthdays on this planet, right in the middle of a depression no doubt.

I don’t wanna be hard on ya but I think, from my own depressive experience (and the damn Pit) that you need to rethink a few things. Yes it’s easy for me to say but you have to pull yourself out of it, and it can be done, I have done it and I am a very weak person. Very weak.

6

Yowza, first off, Happy Birthday. Secondly, if you want to be happy, then you will be happy, because when you want something bad enough, you work hard towards it.

This isn’t advice, just some kind thoughts:

As a person who has lost both parents, I can honestly tell you, enjoy them while they are here to love you, don’t dwell on their deaths, they could be 90 when they die, they could get hit by a truck tomorrow, so could I for that matter and then you’d miss this joyful post ;). Enjoy and love them in the NOW, don’t have regrets when they are gone and then have to play the woulda, coulda, shoulda game. It’s way too easy to say I shoulda loved them or spent more time with them. Do it, enjoy it!

Go down to an employment centre. They have all kinds of tests, etc. which will help you decide on exactly what you should/could be doing. Talk to someone there and explain your situation. You just never know who you will meet there. Take that one day to dress up, think great things about yourself and hold your head up high. You deserve to be proud, you’ve been on this earth 30 years.

Take yourself to the public swimming pool a couple of times a week. Swimming is not only great exercise but it may well help with the pain in your back and hip. A good soak in the hot tub after should do it. Cheap exercise and its healthy for you and best thing, it doesn’t cost much and you are likely to meet some new people.

It sounds like you don’t get out much to meet people, but you would be surprised by how many you can meet by just heading out for a few hours to the pool, etc. Try not to dwell on what you don’t have, dwell on what you’d like to have. You’d be amazed at how your self esteem can build through a friendly conversation.

Wishing for drunk drivers is the best way to make sure you won’t meet up with one. Is there a mental health clinic in your area? They usually have some kind of counselling at minimal cost, or a support group of some kind where you will find all kinds of people from every path of life who are going through and feeling like you do right now. This has been a tough year for most people.

You say you can’t have a conversation without somehow complaining about your miseries. Make a point not to. Talk about the weather, the football game, whatever you like, but try to keep positive.

As for your birthday. Mine is this week and I would love nothing better than to have the opportunity to spend it with my parents. For them to be here and have a celebration for me, because they love me and feel I’m worth it, would be the best thing in the world. It would even beat out the failure of masturbation.

Try a little exercise… tape a piece of paper to your bathroom mirror. At the top write, I’m a great person because: then every day write a positive thought. Nothing negative. It doesn’t matter whether you are having a great hair day or you found a place to apply for a job. Within a week or so read that entire list.

Yeah I know, you are probably thinking, I wish the blithering idiot would go away. It’s up to you, try a few new things, make yourself live a happier and healthier life.

Best wishes to you in the coming year!

Positive thoughts coming your way.

The much happy soon to be 39 year old.

7

I just wanted to point this out to those who were not sure if the Cap’n was depressed or not.

I would definitely speak with your doctor about changing your medication and perhaps adding therapy. Other than that, the advise others have given sounds good to me. Do however much of it you can given your depression.

Also, can I ask what kind of job you used to have and what area you live in? I don’t know if this would help, but I love looking at want ads for different areas of the country ( I know, I get my kicks in strange ways) and I wouldn’t mind emailing you some links. If you think this would be extrmemly intrusive and annoying then please let me know! I of course am not implying that you haven’t looked (obviously you have), I’ve just noticed that sometimes it helps to have an objective party look at want ads for you. I find that it helps to have to have that fresh perspective. Often you’ll receive links to jobs that you might not have looked at before. Anyway, I think I’m rambling now. If you’d like me to do this, let me know. I’ll probably be browsing the Podunk, Iowa want ads anyway just for kicks.

8

Cap’n -

You don’t realize just what kind of power you possess. You managed to summon Sue out of hiding which is something few people can do.

Take her advice, for someone who is about to start her 40th year she possesses great wisdom and I would suspect, a mean right hook when she reads this.

It’s a good idea to start counting your blessings rather than dwell on what you consider shortcomings.

Your parents help you because they love you. You won’t be unemployed forever and at some point they can count on you to pay them back.

Mom’s cooking alone should be a reason to smile because at least you have a mom that can cook.

And if the medication isn’t working talk to your M.D. so you don’t have to post whiny shit and can start telling us what’s good about being the Cap’n.

9

Cap’n m’dear, on your way out the door to the pool, would you be so kind as to kick ole Feynn-meister in the ass for both of us? LOL

10

For those who have given in to the urge to respond, thank you. Even Techchick68, who seems to think a smile can be my umbrella.

Techchick: Get out there and find what I want? What the fuck do you think I’ve been doing every single day for the past 8 months? There are no jobs to be had. None. Not in my career field, not in temp assignments, not in liquor stores.

I’m whining and moaning that all my achievements of the past few years have been wiped out by the closing of a magazine that I worked hard for. I don’t want specifically what my friends and family have, I just want to go on with what I had myself. I can’t.

As to pulling myself up by the bootstraps, I’ve done that before; when I injured my back and hip, I was unable to work for a few years, and was living with my parents because of it. I lost everything. When I was finally able to go back to work, I made something of myself, built myself the beginnings of a promising career. Guess what? It’s gone. The past three years may as well have not happened. The only things I have now that I didn’t have then is more debt.

I look for jobs in several cities (thanks Tevya, but I’ve already got it covered – anything you see in magazine editing or other print media jobs couldn’t hurt though); I’m not sitting around going “woe is me” when I could be fixing my situation. I’m sitting around saying “woe is me” because no matter what I do THE SITUATION WON’T FUCKING GET FIXED. I can’t even find interim work. Bookstores aren’t hiring. Convenience stores aren’t hiring. McfuckingDonalds isn’t even hiring.

I am, in fact, a depressive, and have been treated (on and off) since I was 12. Mostly, it hasn’t been a problem since I identified and sought treatment for my imbalances. But there’s only so much that medication, therapy, and a positive outlook can do when you’re living hand to mouth and remembering that you can do better. No Pollyannaish platitudes will fix 8 months of unemployment and the social stagnation that comes with it.

I told you what is bothering me. I am unemployed, and have absolutely no money of my own. In a culture that tends to define a person (especially males) by what he does, I do nothing. This makes me more depressed than I can handle sometimes. I can’t afford a relationship, and am quite aware that I don’t have the strength of personality right now to develop one. This makes me more depressed. I’m happy for my successful friends and cousins, but privately I’m crushed because they are managing everything I was working towards. Do I need to draw you a map? “Don’t moan, bitch, and cry?” I’ve been trying not to for 8 solid months. I have reached the point where there’s little else to do but that.

Alas, there is no cheap exercise in New York City. My gym membership costs me $120 a month; if there was a cheaper alternative within a reasonable distance I’d be there. Crunch! would be cheaper, but I don’t believe there is one near me, and they don’t have the range of amenities (like a pool) that NYH&RC has. It’s become extremely difficult to get myself down there – without a schedule to adhere to (which would be enforced upon me by employment) I just don’t go nearly often enough. Weak will? Perhaps. But when waking up early for me means 11 AM, no matter what I do with the alarm clock or when I go to bed the night before, it’s rough. I get up, I go straight to the computer to check the job boards for things I can apply to. then it’s email and the SDMB. By the time I’m even close to ready to face the world, it’s closing down for the evening.

Feynn: (upon review) Thank you. I have a hard time seeing my way out of this hole I’m in, but I suppose there must be some poor sap who will hire me, eventually.

11

Wow, this encourages me to try to be positive for you.

You said, “I turn nasty when things are this bad this long.”

Yep, you surely do. Don’t presume to think that you are the only one on this earth who has had it all and lost it all, cuz sonny boy, I can assure you that you are not.

I’m no Pollyanna, but simply someone who had a few kind words for someone who appeared to be needing them.

12

Cap’n, please check your mail.

[sub]end transmission[/sub]

13

Great, looks like I screwed this up even further. CanadianSue, my comments weren’t directed at you, and I apologize if they looked like they were.

14

Cap’n:

You’re entitled to feel crappy. Losing your job sucks. Having no money sucks. Having to borrow from your parents sucks, and clinical depression sucks. It’s easy to find solutions when you are not embroiled in a situation. When it’s your situation, solutions are not usually so forthcoming.

My birthday (29) is on the 10th. I’m having some pretty crappy feelings about it too, but for completely different reasons.

I tell you what - while you’re celebrating with mom and dad, drink a toast to me, and while I’m celebrating with some friends, I’ll drink a toast to you. We can commiserate together.

Not a solution, but misery loves company.

Please take care - and do consider seeing someone about your depression - it doesn’t sound like it’s being managed properly.

Al.

15

Turning 30 isn’t the worst thing that can happen.
What’s worse? Having other people find out.
They will mock you for being old. In fact, if you weren’t getting so deaf and nearsighted, you could see and hear them right now. BTY is this your walker in the handicapped spot at the alzheimer’s clinic next door? They want you to move it so they can bring in the hearse for a guy who just turned 31.

16

Leap, you’ve entirely missed the point. I’m happy to be 30, I’m just not happy to be nowhere at the same time. It seems that every few years, all my accomplishments get wiped out in some catastrophe and I have to start over once I’ve muddled through. As I get older, I don’t have the same emotional or physical resilience I used to, and there’s less time for me to rebuild and still enjoy it.

I put a lot of pressure on myself to succeed. I’m probably going to be the only person in a position to support my folks when they’re too old to do it, which means I’ll also be supporting my eldest brother (long story). I’m also the only hope for natural-born grandchildren – never mind the fact that I really want to start a family of my own.

Anyway, I’d like to say that I’m feeling a little better now, thanks in part to the support I’ve received here. Even from Techchick68 at whom I got rather snarky. I spent the night out gaming with my friends, and I have the Family Sympathy Dinner[sup]TM[/sup] tomorrow, so I’ve pulled out of the depths of this mood swing. I can’t promise there won’t be another one, but I will try to keep from spewing it all over the SDMB.

17

Since I can offer no advice you haven’t already heard, I will offer you a hug {{{{Cap’n}}}} and a smooch in hopes that that will help, even if only a little bit.

18

Glad to see you’re feeling a little better.

I see you’re in NY and that you can’t get temp work. You know there are hundreds of agencies out there, right? Including little mom and pop outfits that don’t pay as well and offer fewer benefits. Check some of those out.

Go see my friends Donna and Meryem at Jovan. They’re about as mom and pop as they come. It’s in the book.

Be flexible. Be reachable. Be reliable. The minute you start being someone they think of, you’ll find a job and be unavailable.

But don’t stop with them. See if you can’t apply at 10 different temp agencies in one week.