Tell me life will get better.

The BBQ Pit
1

I’ve only posted a few times, but I’ve been lurking for a good year now. I’m not sure why I’m putting this in the Pit…exept it feels like it might belong.

Life is just a fucking bowl of cherries. I’ve spent the entire day alternately crying and trying to fall asleep to escape for just a few minutes. I’ve been depressed for the past two weeks, and probably would have been depressed even longer had I not been using some prescription painkillers to make myself feel a little fucking happier. I don’t want to talk to my roommate, I don’t want to go to the party I’m supposed to go to tonight at one of my best friend’s, I don’t want to do anything.

I’m fucking miserable. I have a job that pays me well, I have an amazing family, I have great friends, but to me…life sucks. Yes, I know that I’m clinically depressed. I don’t need to be told that. I also have social anxiety, abuse in my past, panic attacks, and generalized anxiety. I’m a goddamn therapist’s dream.

I can’t feel better. Nothing I do makes me feel better. I feel like my friends have completely disowned me, probably because they’re sick and tired of dealing with my shit. I feel like my roommate, who’s been one of my best friends for four years now, has a new love interest and doesn’t care about me anymore. I have a boyfriend who lives five states away and who I never see and while I miss him, I don’t want to talk to him because I’m relationship-phobic. I know he knows there’s something wrong because I’ve been ignoring him for the past two weeks. But I can’t let him help me.

I’m a struggling writer who’s had a few breaks, but the entire fucking system seems to be against me now. I worked my ass off to get a job and when the time came for the decision to be made, one of the fucking producers didn’t like me, so there went the goddamn job that everyone else thought I deserved. Yes, I wanted the job because it would have paid me an entire eighteen thousand dollars a year, you stupid cow. I wanted the job because I gave up my LIFE to pursue this and no matter what I did, I couldn’t please YOU. So fuck my dreams. Fuck me. I hope the new executives dump your fat ass and you end up scrounging for temp jobs to make ends meet.

But that’s okay because I’m in the same position that tons of struggling screenwriters are in, and I’m no better off or worse off than they are. Except it feels like every day, something new crumbles down around me. I just want ONE THING to go right in my career. Is that so much to ask?

I’m considering leaving my city. I love it here, but it’s draining me and I think it’s killing me. It takes emotion to live here, and I don’t want that much emotion. I’m overloaded with emotion and I can’t take the hurt all the time. I know my parents would take me back in a heartbeat, but I’m an adult, for Christsakes. I want to be a success, not admit failure. And going back to my hometown would be admitting failure.

I’m calling my friend with a lame excuse tonight…migraine…because I don’t want to be a downer at her party. I don’t think I can get on the subway without crying. I almost couldn’t walk around the fucking corner without having to stop and sob.

I was on anti-depressants last year, for both my depression and anxiety. Smart me thought I was fine and went off again in August. So before anyone thinks that I’m about to go slit my wrists, I’m going back to the doctor tomorrow as a walk-in and I’m going to beg for another anti-depressant. I can’t go back on the old one because it made me a zombie, but there’s got to be something else out there. But I have to get through tonight first…and I have to force myself to get dressed tomorrow and get on the subway and go to the doctor. And I have to work up the courage to tell him that I’m fucked up again.

I want to smile. I want to laugh. I want to have fun and be with my friends and go out. I just want to be happy every once in a fucking blue moon. Why is that so much to fucking ask?

Ava

2

It does get better, Ava.

Do you mind hearing the obvious stuff, right now: Along with the medication, get some counseling. Make an effort to involve yourself with friends, even if you don’t feel like it.
Make an effort to enjoy yourself, even if you don’t feel like it.
Do something for someone else, donate some time at a food bank, day care center, something like that.
It sounds trite and oversimplistic, but decide to feel better.

3

I damn near GUARANTEE it’s going to get better. Your post may have well been me six months ago. I’m also a struggling writer and actress, and I deal with clinical depression and anxiety disorder.

Before my medication and therapy, the Holidays were the WORST time of the year for me because I loved Christmas so much and yet I just didn’t have the happiness that everyone was shoving in my face, and then I worried that something was wrong with me because who the fuck is depressed in December and it just got worse and worse.

My suggestion is two fold…the best thing for me (when coupled with meds and therapy) was yoga. Seriously. It was quiet, centered, it demands that you clear your mind of worry and sadness, it’s a focus on yourself and your body, and it’s good for you to boot!

Secondly, try something different every day. And it can be as easy as taking a different route to work, finding a new radio station, wearing a new perfume, going to a museum or store you’ve never been to. Sometimes (and especially for writers and creative types), it takes a tiny little hitch in the road or a click in your head to get back to the joy of creating that you once had. I’ve been in a writing slump for AGES and I’m trying to get it back.

And hey, stop by The Doper Fiction Exchange. Hell, join it, converse with the rest of us, share in our joy and sorrow and all that crap.

Ava. It’s going to get better. The Buddhists (those zany folks) refer to bad days or bouts of depression as ‘mind clouds’. We need to accept that they’re going to show up, darken our vision, burden our souls and depress our mood, but what gets us through them is the knowledge that clouds pass, and the sun is right behind them. Take a day for yourself to be depressed, and cry and scream and throw pillows at squirrels…but then take a hot bath, have a tea, cuddle into a warm bed and start fresh the next day!

I’ll be thinking of you. Please keep in touch.

4

jerk ass coding.

5

Please do that. Please look into some kind of talking therapy in addition to the drugs.

That’s the most hopeful thing I’ve heard in a long time. Please post follow-up threads to let us know how things go.

6

You’re making the right move in seeing your doctor again, avabeth, and I second the other opinions here – your life is yours, and it’s up to you to go out and turn things around for yourself. Do stuff that you still feel passionate about, or will appeal most to your creative energies.

jarbabyj – that “mind clouds” stuff is a really apt way of describing those periods of absolute blah and inner desolation. Thank you for posting that – I’ll remember it for my own little trips down Depression Lane.

7

Now, I know this is going to sound silly, and small consolation, but here goes:

You say your friends have disowned you. But you have a roommate who cares and a friend who wants you at her party tonight.

I’m in a funk tonight too. However, I kinda wish I had a party to go to, to see my friends, remember how they make me feel good. If you can manage, I think you should try to get out, go give yourself the opportunity to have a good time tonight.

All my best wishes.

8

Thank you. To see responses in such a short amount of time actually makes me feel a little better. I feel like I’m not alone.

JonScribe, that’s the one thing I’ve been trying to do…the horrible thing is, I can force myself to get up and go to work because I need the money. I forced myself to go to physical therapy this morning. But I’m having trouble forcing myself to go see my friends. I don’t know why. I think it’s because they’ll see me as I am right now, and I don’t want them to hate me. And I will get counseling. I know that I need it.

jarbabyj, I can’t tell you how much it helps to see someone who’s been in the same sort of position. This industry is SO frustrating and it’s even harder when my roommate and several of my friends are award-winning writers who’re hot shit right now. I’m going to try the yoga idea. There’s a studio not far from here and I’ve always enjoyed it in the past. I’ve pulled out my yoga deck and done a few positions today, but I think I’m just so far down right now that a few minutes of positions isn’t going to be a cure all. And when I’m feeling like I am now, my writing suffers.

Jack@ss and Ice Wolf—thanks. I do want to feel better. I just don’t know how.

And I’m not suicidal, no matter how bad I feel. I’m not that brave. And I feel like I just can’t dump on my friends anymore. Which is why this place came in handy…I know that I don’t know anybody from a guy on the street here, but I felt like I could trust people.

Thanks.

Ava

9

Thanks, LaurAnge. I really don’t feel like I can manage tonight. I’d just be better off crawling in bed and closing my eyes early. I know that I’d be miserable all night. Normally, I know that I could go out even if I was feeling crappy and that the mere act of seeing my friends would make me feel better…but tonight, it’s not going to do that. I’m too far down for that.

I’ll make it up to her. I have plans to take her out to dinner for Hannukah. I just can’t do it tonight. And I’ve made plans for next week, at least two nights, right after work when I can’t get cold feet and cancel. I really am trying.

Ava

Ava

10

Sounds like you’ll be okay, no matter how awful you feel right now, avabeth. You say your writing is suffering – keep writing anyway, even if it’s all shite. You’re writing when you post here, so please, do keep us informed.

Keep making those plans, stick to agreed meetings with your friends. Think about what makes you smile, even the simple things like sunlight through tree branches, or the face of a wee child. Then go find those things.

The first step of all is to be good to yourself, avabeth. I’m writing this as another non-suicidal (too chicken!) clinical depressive who’s had doses of the deep-downs and still managed to clamber up outta th’ trench and into the sun as best I can.

You don’t need to be “special”, you don’t need the strength of ten – you just need to be you, and know that you are an important part of so many lives, and that your own is priceless and full of challenges (which are problems with their teeth yanked out and the spikes cut down).

Set out to have a wonderful day, and then the next day, and the next. And let us know how you are as you journey.

Peace to you.

11

Actually, talking this out in here a little tonight has made me feel a little better…I’ve actually gotten up and done my makeup…I’m considering going to the party. Maybe it has something to do with the two beers I’ve had, but I’m trying. If I can get up and do my hair and change clothes, and then force myself to get out of the apartment and into the world…maybe there’s some sun peeking through. The other thing is that I don’t thnk I’m going to know anyone there—and that’s where the social anxiety rears it’s head.

I don’t know. I’m trying to go. I just can’t get my brain to agree.

Ava

12

Trust your past ability in choosing friends. If they’re good friends, they’ll understand and help out.
Tell them your having problems with depression, that if your in a funk it’s nothing personal, and tell them that you need to be around people, even if you aren’t the life of the party.

You’ve seen the response you’ve gotten hear from people who are new to you. Your friends should be even more supportive, if you allow them to be.

13

It will get better, you just have to hold out and work to get through to when it will be better. You’re mired in a dark fog now, but if you hold on and see a doctor (and probably a therapist couldn’t hurt), you’ll make it through. The medication may take some adjustments, or perhaps a different type, so be sure to honestly and completely communicate to the prescribing doctor how you’re feeling on it and if you’re having any side effects, so that he or she can adjust it to what works best for you.

Your real friends will be on your side; they won’t hate you. There was another thread here recently by someone feeling put-upon by some depressed people she knew, but that’s because they were almost harassing her with their illnesses, demanding attention and “support”, and refusing to do anything else to help themselves. You’ve made a big and important step in going to get help, so you’re not like those people. Trust in your friends to see that too, and to see you as the good person you are. You’re just hurting right now, and you deserve to feel better.

14

Just be ok for tonight. Tomorrow you can work on just being ok for tomorrow.

And, from someone wiser than myself:

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Hello, Avabeth. Welcome to the boards.

The feminists used to say that the personal is political. It is; and in fact the emotional is political. Life sucks as you’ve experienced it. Conceivably life need not be that way. I have long since reached that conclusion. Oddly, you can end up feeling a lot better about everything if you can visualize what you would change in the world to make it a more habitable place and can believe that you, as an actor on the world’s stage, can affect the course that is taken (even if only in combination with others who share your vision), and thereby fix what is wrong.

Now, if I may requote what Manda Jo said, but embed it in that context:

To which I would add: you can be a participant and help steer. You know, if no one was ever miserable, it would be rare that anyone ever set out to make anything better.

16

Everyone’s said what I’d say already, but I’d like to jump in and offer another “If I can do it you can do it” post.

I’ve suffered from chronic depression and panic disorder for as long as I can remember (I’m 26). I finally crashed, hard, this past year, and have been slowly getting my life back since then.

I’m currently in a 5 day partial hospitalization program (PHP) at a local hopsital. It’s basically “therapy boot camp”, the kind of treatment you’d get as a patient in a psych ward, but for people who don’t quite need that level of treatment. I hit a point about 2 weeks ago where I was unable to leave the house for work because I was so panicked/depressed. Irrationally so.

One of the things I’ve learned so far is that depression makes ME my own worst enemy. And because of my panic disorder, I isolate myself and stay in my room because it feels the safest. How can that not be depressing? So basically–I need to fight myself and make myself go out and do things, even though I’m scared to, in order to make the depression less.

Therapy has done wonders for me. It hasn’t “cured” me or made me all better, but it has gotten me back to a place I can build from. Having an impartial third party offer feedback and useful suggestions on how to cope has been an amazing resource for me.

You sound like you know all this already, in that you were trying to “make” yourself go to the party. That is the single most important step–you’ve realized the problem and how you need to tackle it. Don’t be afraid to talk to a trained professional, in addition to taking medication, to help keep you on track. It’s easy to realize what you need to do, but often hard to keep doing it without the support of a professional.

I wish I could take everyone I know that has been struggling with depression/anxiety/panic disorders and give them an intensive program like this. Sure it won’t work for everyone, (though I second jarbaby’s yoga suggestion, works great for me) but this has been the best thing for me. It has been, truthfully, a lifesaver. I wasn’t at risk of killing myself, but I also wasn’t living. I’m finding that, with a little introspection and guidance, I’m finding my way back to seeing some hope.

17

What’s with this board? It sounds like EVERYBODY’S depressed (including me.)

Life does get better. Your life will get better. My life will get better, someday. I just hope I live that long.

18

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who offered me advice and a shoulder to cry on. I’ve sort of made a lot of decisions this week, am back on meds, and while not 100% better, I am feeling more positive. I’ve decided to go back to school, which means leaving NYC, but it will be better in the long run. I have a feeling I needed to break down to realize that.

Thanks again. I hope I can participate on this board quite a bit and offer help to others like the enormous support you offered to me.

Amanda

19

Amanda,

I’m so glad that you’re doing better and making decisions to help you. I know that’s hard. I was in a similar place a few years ago. In a nutshell, I was living out west (a job took me out there which ended after a few years because they merged with a company based somewhere else) and liking the friends that I had made but not the direction of my life. After my job ended, I experienced the kind of depression where it would be a great day if I showered.

I lived there for five years and had embraced it as my life. And then I realized that I had to move, change, and come back East. It was hard and surreal to pack boxes and leave, but the depression I was experiencing made a change necessary. In retrospect, I don’t think I abandoned any dreams by moving, I think I changed the surroundings and placed myself firmly in a spot that I knew was better for me. But it was hard.

Always remember that your talent goes with. Everywhere you take yourself, you’re there. You are not extricating yourself from possibilities, you’re managing yourself so you can be in the best place, for you, to maximize your potential.

20

Amanda,

((((hugs)))) It will get better. You’re taking the first steps to helping yourself…that is wonderful. Keep it up. :slight_smile: