Suicide and have you tried it...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Yep. I’m very manic-depressive, (I’d say bi-polar but that seems like a stupid way to say manic-depressive), and I’ve had the gun in my mouth. Even better, I ran an arms room in the Army in Germany where I was in charge of ALL the weapons and ammor for an MP Battalion. One night I sat there with a .45 in my mouth and was getting ready to pull the trigger when a girl I knew came by and rattled the cage door. This happened back in around 1992 right after Desert Storm. I stopped and that was it for a few years.

Until…

A few years later, I tried to literally drink myself to death. Try slamming a few fifths of rum down on an empty stomache. Well, that didn’t work and I ended up getting divorced from the bitch that had caused the huge amount of drinking in the first place and getting remarried to my wonderful wife that I have now. While I still drink, I NEVER do it to the excessive amounts that I did before.

Then again, I’m currently being (almost) sued for around $20,000 due to some money I received from an insurance company that handled disability payments at AAA, where I used to work. A few months ago I DID try and slash my wrists open but thankfully, even though I collect knifes and swords, I couldn’t find one sharp enough to do the job.

Got some nice scars though.

Now, even though I’ve lost my Mother, my Mother-In-Law, my Grandmother, my Uncle and a few farther flung relatives in the last few months, I’m able to deal with it. It damn sure isn’t because of the meds as the only thing I’m taking now is Wellbutrin and that just to maybe help me quit smoking.

In the last few months also, my 16 year old daughter has decided that she’s capable of living on her own (read: at her boyfriends house with his parents) and my ONLY good, close friend is pretty much not allowed to hang out with me any more because I both smoke AND drink (yeah, he’s seriously pussywhipped), I’m STILL maintaining myself in a calm (mostly) manner.

So yeah, to bring my long windedness to a close, I think about suicide. Every. Fucking. Day.

I just do my best to remember that my wife loves me just as much as I love her and act accordingly.

Crossposted to my journal because otherwise, I’d only have like one entry for the year.

So. Am I totally pathetic or is there at least some hope?

2

I’m extremely sorry. This should have gone into the IMHO slot.

Again, My apologies in advance.

3

:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:

5

Hang in there, man. I’ve been there, got scars and some other internal problems from my repeated attempts to die. Just keep on thinking about your wife, your life, and just keep on keepin’ on. Don’t really know what else to say. My email’s right down there, so if you need anything, let me know. Take care.

Oh, and no, you’re not pathetic, and yes, there is hope. There’s always hope for something.

6

Have you ever considered that your thoughts of suicide have become a kind of “coping mechanism?” You’ve attempted suicide and have wanted to die, but still are here.

You have your thoughts and have made passive/active attempts, BUT…you’re still around to consider the consequences and remember the love you share with your wife/family.

Perhaps your suicidal thoughts are a way for you to manage what’s happening in your life. Perhaps, having been on the edge (so to speak), you creep up to it again at those times, only to dismiss it when you think about the pain that would result.

One might describe it as a check list.

“Hey, today sucks, all of these bad things have happened/are happening…I want to die…should just finally kill myself…yeah, but wait…I love my wife, my daughter…yeah, life’s all a mess…but…”

So, use your experience to understand why you are thinking as you are. In my experience, it’s easy to fall back on “suicide as an option” because it is familiar.

Be well and please talk to someone. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Since you mention an attempt in the last few months, perhaps you should talk to a therapist and consider anti-depressants (since you are only using Wellbutrin to quit smoking). Have they helped in the past?

Again, be well.

8

First of all, after [GUin you’re the most annoying poster I’ve seen. I’ll reserve my comments od smeeself for another time.

lightingtool…been doing that but thanks for the truisms.

Zhen’ka yes of course I have. your comments are pretty much what I do every day anyway. Yes, I DO talk to a doctor. Whether it’s a usefull habit or not, time will tell.

I made the horrible mistake of posting my phone number in my livejournal. This was a mistake. I DID manage to delete the entry after about three hours…one person called … yay me , but I should have known better.

In any case, after all these years that I’ve been here, this is MY cry for help. I’m thankfull that someone saw it elsewhere and responded.

9

Bill.

Twice.

Twice I’ve tried to take myself out. The first time was a rather weak attempt, that in retrospect, was more of a plea for attention. The second time, though, I totally meant it. I wanted OUT. I was separated (but not quite divorced yet) from my first husband, and I was living with my mom. I swallowed nearly every freaking pill in her medicine cabinet, along with my own meds. My mom found me, still conscious but utterly unable to respond, on her living room floor. I remember her coming in, I remember her calling 911, and I remember the EMT’s coming in. I also remember being hoisted into the back of the ambulance, and seeing my mom trying to climb in the back with me, and the EMT pushing her away. I found out later, from my mom, that it was because they honestly did not believe I was going to survive the trip to the hospital–which was, by speeding ambulance, approximately five minutes away.

I woke up a day later, in the ICU of U-M Hospital. I couldn’t talk, because there was a respirator stuck down my throat. I don’t remember precisely when I moved, but I eventually ended up agreeing to go to their psych ward. I spent a week there, and the only reason I left was because I demanded to be let out, and at the time, I was deemed capable of making that decision on my own. I was very strongly encouraged to stay a bit longer, but I refused. Again in retrospect, that was a mistake. I should have stayed. My life now would probably be very different.

Then again, had I stayed there, I might never have gone through what I’ve gone through since then. I might not have moved to Flint, had Diana and John…or met you, my friend.

You’ve got my numbers. You know where I live, you know where I work, and you know that I care. I’m here, Bill. You need anything, I’m right freaking here, and I always will be.

10

When I was in high school, I had thoughts of suicide. My father is a true asshole and I often wondered why I was even around since he made it very clear I wasn’t wanted all my life. I found that thinking of my death and how he’d actually miss me if I killed myself or was otherwise gone for good, made me feel better. Very odd thing but it did. It made me feel great and then I just kept going, kept on living, I guess, to spite him. I now know that those kinds of thoughts (at least for myself) keep me strong and show me when I’ve hit bottom and am coming UP from the pit.

I would never harm myself like that and I hope you decide that life is worth the effort. You have a wife that is right there by your side, who loves you… does she know how you feel? Do you talk to her about these things? You should, marriage is about open communication and trust. Your daughter might be in a phase or might not but I don’t think she does these things to truly hurt anyone. Does her independence scare you? I’m very sorry for all your recent losses and it’s good that you’re trying to be strong. Time will help you and it’s VERY good that you are talking to a doctor. It’s hard to know what to say because I can’t know what you’re feeling just like you can’t know what anyone here feels.

We all hope you feel better and get appropriate help in this situation.

11

Yes. But I got help instead. I was hospitalized on suicide watch for a while until medications gave me the blessed relief from the impulse. I still take medications and rarely have thoughts of suicide.

The last time was two or three years ago and it was out of anger at the betrayal of a friend. That one didn’t feel so much like an impulse and I was able to wait it out.

Either way, time gives the desire a perspective. My responsibility is to give myself time. If nothing else, I would put myself on automatic and get to a hospital.

12

Me, too. I’m glad you’re talking to someone, anyone, all of us.

You sound like you have a lot of people who care for you. That’s a good thing to be cherished. If you feel the need, my email’s in my profile.

Wish you well.

13

When I had the desire the first time, I discovered after many horrible nights (well, horrible to an outsider; they actually helped me keep some semblance of sanity) that I was not strong enough to kill myself. It’s not a matter of the physical aspect; I was more afraid of being caught far enough from death to be wrestled back to life than I was unfond of what life I had. Ultimately, that fear (along with some other things I’ll talk with you about privately if you like; this is your thread, not mine) kept my heart beating.

I would think, personally, that a comment like “that is so selfish” would either be more aptly put some other way or reserved for another occasion entirely, but perhaps that is because I have enough respect (read: any) for Xploder as a human being not to try to guilt him into or out of anything. In any case, Xploder, do think of yourself. Often, nobody has so much affect on your (general) life as you (general) do. Thinking of yourself can be the best thing for you, especially when it seems (or is, in some cases) as though nobody else is thinking of you.

14

Xploder, yes I think about it a little now and then, but not seriously. I used to, though, quite a bit.

My father killed himself when I was 12 - planned to take me with him, too, though obviously that plan didn’t work out. Somehow this has kept the idea floating around out there for me. I have not figured these things out yet - it’s been decades.

Since suicide is such a one-way street, a decision you can’t undo, I had always held back, knowing that I was uncertain and kept having changing thoughts. At this point I am glad, mostly because things I am doing with my life are useful and helpful and make a difference elsewhere, where I think I’m needed.

If someone is extremely harmful and can’t stop, like say a serial killer - and I mean very horribly harmful - then any suicidal impulses they have are probably a good idea. Let me be clear, I’m only talking about people who are so harmful that they keep damaging the world around them in the saddest and most serious ways, doing things that many other people can never make up for. But for the rest of us, being conservative and hanging on for another day to see if maybe we want to change our minds looks to me like the right thing to do.

You have had thousands of days in a row where you did not kill yourself. That is a kind of hope. You obviously know how to make it to tomorrow.

By the way, given that you have at least one child, my vote is that suicide is one of the worst things you could do for her.

15

Napier, without being overly morbid, that someone survives to see another day does not mean that they know how to make it to tomorrow. You have seen here that attempts at suicide can fail. For some people they fail multiple times (and I’m talking not in the half dozen but in the dozens). They know how to make it to tomorrow, but only in that they keep being unsuccessful in trying to end their lives. I’m not sure I would rest an argument on that point as you have (“See, you can’t even kill yourself properly! You definitely should live!”):slight_smile:

16

Here’s what I’ve told myself on really far more occasions than I like to think about:

If you kill yourself, you won’t be around long enough to enjoy the peace it’ll bring.

Totally not worth it. Like getting all prepared for a really big party and then falling asleep when the first guest shows up.

17

I once marked an “X” on a concrete pillar under a highway overpass. It was a spot to ram my car into at full speed if things got too bad. At the time, I was just seperated from my ex, and trying to cope with the shock of being a single mother. The “X” represented a way out if things got too bad.

It was a low spot in my life.

And then I learned that life is all about change. Your miserable life today could change to be happy a year from now. I think the whole point is to hang in there and wait (or make the move, when you have the choice) for your life to change. And treasure the happy moments, because they’re certainly subject to change as well.

Of course, there is a difference between a situational depression like that, and the sort that some people have to struggle through everyday. I hope you can find a dr that can help you cope.

18

Hmm, I posted to this but it wouldn’t let me. Also Ilsa_Lund’s posts are blocked out. I wonder if my internet provider is blocking me for some reason. Anyway, lets try this again.

I’ve been married 2 years. About a month into it, when it started turning bad, I started cutting myself. Or scratching myself with my nails, actually, because cutting with knives never even broke the skin. But when I’d get really angry/frustrated I’d scratch my arms with my fingernails and wind up breaking my skin a little. These weren’t suicide attempts, just “letting off steam” in a rather unhealthy way from a relationship totally lacking in communication and where I felt controlled.

A month ago when my husband said he wanted a divorce, I freaked out. Partially because he said that, and partially because I’m overseas with no money or place to go. So I first tried to hang myself but got really scared and gave up. I ended up drinking half a bottle of cough syrup not caring what it might do to me. It did nothing, actually, except make me as sleepy as it normally would. But the next day I went to the hospital (for something else, actually) and told them what I did, and they kept me 24 hours. They don’t have a psych ward in my hospital, so they gave me a completely barren room. No phone even, no curtains, lights on 24 hours, door open, camera on me at all times, etc.

The result of this is they decided to send us to live elsewhere, in the US. Which eliminated my suicidal desires. This is not to say everything’s great now and I don’t ever want to kill myself (I usually get those thoughts at least once a day lately) but I don’t seriously act on them or intend to. Although losing my husband is horrible for me I suppose I will be healthier when I am out of this.

I know how it feels. You do have hope though, because you do have a wife that you love and referred to as wonderful. So let that be your hope.

19

I tried twice seriously and a number of times half-heartedly but then my dad did the real deal and I realized what it does to the people left behind. The family left over is told not to blame themselves but then the world wonders what was so wrong in that family that a member of it decided they would rather be dead. I am glad my dad is out of the mental pain he was in but I realize how increibly selfish what he did was. If you have a faimly you have no excuse to do that.
I’m not sure if the above makes sense to anyone but myself.

20

Xploder, based on your past posts, I think you’re pretty cool. Please don’t give in to the tormenting thoughts.

Have you ever been to Cecil’s Place?

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Cecils_Place/

Seige set it up just for things like this. A place to talk to people in like circumstances and hpefully get help.

smeeself, you might want to look there, too. Anger is often a manifestation of severe depression.

21

Twice, but they were half-assed attempts involving pills. Looking back I think they were more attention scams than real attempts. It was after the second time and having my stomach pumped that (as hesitant as I am to quote smeeself) I concluded that it was the most fucking selfish thing I could do. While my pain might be ended, I would have created a whole 'nother world of hurt for my family and friends. Which is exactly what you would be doing to your wonderful wife, daughter, and close friend should you succeed. Maybe even some of the people on these very boards.

Like someone else mentioned, it seems you toy with suicide as a coping mechanism. What are your wife’s thoughts on this? Have you an open and honest dialogue with her about why you feel like this? I hope she loves you enough to stick by you through this, but repeated episodes could drive a bigger and bigger wedge between you two to where she doesn’t feel it’s worth it any more.

It seems that you have a lot to hold on to. Talk to your wife, a counselor, strangers on the Internet, whomever you can to help you through this. Hell, I’m on Yahoo and MSN IM most nights while I fritter away on these boards trying to get to sleep. I can blab on for hours about nearly anything (just ask) ;).

Peace be with you, friend. I hope you don’t stray too far to the edge.

22

Thanks, I’ve joined and am just waiting for the email to let me in.