We cannot change the wind, only adjust our sails. -St. Augustine
I happen to think you rock, Xploder. Always have. I wish you contentment.
A couple times here. I tried to hang myself from a cliff on Valentine’s Day 2001. Later that year in April I jumped into a raging flash flood, but changed my mind at the last minute, and miraculously managed to get out. I’m convinced to this day that I wasn’t meant to get out of that alive.
Luckily I got on some medications, and I’m actually happy now.
Whee.
Wow. I hope everyone apprciates how rare this is that we can all express out feelings of death and despair. I’m sure there are many people reading this who feel a litttle less alone and hopeless. Thank you all so much for sharing and taking the time to post about such a personal (and taboo) issue as suicide.
I’m glad we are all still here. Humanity would suffer without us.
A lot of folks have been bummed out like that, man. You just got to hold on. Yeah, man, I’ve been there.
For years and years I’ve had this major thing (except I only thought it was so major because you’re only in tune to your own radiostration and just forget about the vibe everyone else has, you know?), and especially in the month of February. One time I broke down crying in the middle of this crowd of people I know, kids and my friends. At the end I choked up my tears, got some water from a water fountain, and lied to people and told them I had an asthma attack. I was pretty young then. Like, not yet in sixth grade. Until later middle school I was the class clown, the type of guy who’d do anything for a laugh.
One day a couple years ago, sometime in September 2001, it was the night of that star tribute telethon, it hit a point. I did some stupid shit, got my a scar or two and didn’t even pass out. I was pretty pissed that I was such an incompetent fool I couldn’t pass out or draw any serious blood. I had to laugh, though, that my feebleness in life is one of the things that frustrated me to that point, but I still fucked up at what should have been a simple task. I had to laugh, and that’s when I figured it was time for me to go to sleep for the night. Felt better for the rest of the weekend.
Every now and then I’ll get bummed out about stuff, but never as bad. My attitude these days is “like, deal with it” and I don’t let stuff get to me.
I don’t know, man. Do what you have to do. But things get better. They could be pretty good right now, if you get a new perspective on it.
All the time. But when it gets bad, I make plans. Like, I wouldn’t want my husband to find a horrible bloody mess. And I wouldn’t want people to go through my stuff. And I wouldn’t want my husband to be stuck with funeral expenses. I plan for every little thing, imagine cleaning the entire house, buying enough pills, composing the letters (decide if i want any at all), compose my LJ post (Yeah it’s still a priority), decide the perfect time to post, the perfect time to do it, make sure the cats are fed, etc etc. By the time I plan every single detail I’m generally exhausted, go to sleep, and the next day I can get help or talk to somebody or put it all behind me until the next time it comes up.
You aren’t in any way pathetic, Xploder, and there is always Hope, by definition.
I want to tell you about my own experiences but I think it’s more important to say something: lots of people feel the way you do, you’re not alone, and it helps to talk. If you feel you want to harm yourself you need to talk to somebody. Call a suicide hotline; trust me on this. Let them get you in touch with a counselor. If you feel alone, call somebody, because you’re not.
Never been in this state. Every time I was down, there was always something to see, to do that was worth waiting the last performance. Man! I want to see the grand canyon! I want to visit Rome! I want good food, good wines, good sex! I want to see the Magum PI reruns! I want to see movies and read books! I want to go on learning photography! I want to built my childhood train set in my house! I want to read all the posts on the SMDB! My to do list is so long, I’ll have to make a deal with the Gream ripper to pospone my last journey!
Life is full of tremendous interesting things, if not people. Life is hard too. But there is hope, as long as curiosity. Good luck to you ** Xploder **, hope you’ll find a hobby of some sort to get your mind on something else…
Thanks to all who have responded, with the exception of Ilsa Lund and smeeself.
I haven’t sat down and talked about it with anyone else yet but the comments here HAVE helped me too sort things out in my own head.
For that, I really, REALLY appreciate you all.
Xploder I feel your pain. I too have been down that road. Twice, once so successfully that there was a great deal of difficulty restarting my heart. There are also the scars I carry from bouts of self-harm in a non-suicidal fashion. I do not have great advice for you, I still fight the great wash of despair myself. Since then I have thought about it enough to know how to do it without failing. Needless to say I am still here so things are not all that bad right now.
I guess, hang in there as much as you can. Try to find someone to talk to about it.
Kia Kaha
I know what you’re going through. I have dealt with this since I was a teenager. I have the scars on my wrist to prove it. I have also tried to hang myself a couple of times. Sometimes things just get so bad that I just can’t take it anymore. Things hurt so much that I just can’t go on. In my life so far, it always seems that, just as soon as stuff starts to get good, it all falls apart. Every single time.
There is only one reason I haven’t ever gone through with it: my family–my parents, my brother, aunts, uncles and cousins. I could never do that to them. I love them so much and they love me so much. So as long as they’re around, I’ll be around too.
When I lived with my ex-boyfriend, he had a handgun. He wanted to teach me how to use it in case I was alone and someone broke in or something like that. I tried every excuse in the book to NOT learn how to use it, because I was so afraid that if I knew, I would use it on myself.
It’s really embarassing for me to come here and talk about this, because I have a lot of friends on the board. Almost nobody knows about this. It’s hard for people who haven’t been through it to understand. But I know that it’s nothing to be ashamed about, so it feels good to get it out.
Good luck, Xploder.
Well. Even though it may be embarrassing for you to talk about this online, I think it’s a great way to get free therapy 
I was feeling VERY depressed earlier and lo and behold, the phone rang 2 hours ago. It was a friend…my bets friend, that I had while I was stationed with the 527th MP Company in Germany.
Strangely enough, he and I remembered almost EVERYTHING that we had done together, That includes some of the most ridiculously drunken outings ever perpetrated in the Army. We remembered them all. It was a real eye opener.
Of course, he’s trying his best to get me to come visit him in Tiverton, Rhode Island (Hi Euty!) and I’m just as adamantly trying to get him to come to Michigan.
In any case, the thing that struck me was that as I was talking to him, I realized that some of the happiest times I ever had were in the Army. I know that I can’t re-embrace those times by going into the Reserve or the National Guard but DAMN we had fun!
Last but not least, this is the first night in months that I haven’t felt so horrible about my life that I wanted to end it.
Again…thanks to everyone for the great responses and I sincerely hope that things look up for everyone.
I’ll be watching (and posting) as appropriate.
And, of course, BETS should be BEST. Duh.
Xploder, you have done a service for us also in providing a place and a way for us to talk about this part of ourselves. Thank you for that.
Those people who make suicidal gestures for attention are still very much in need of compassion and help. For one thing, they need to learn more appropriate ways of getting the attention that everyone needs sometimes. But there is also a danger that they may really hurt themselves beyond anything that was really intended.
I don’t think that I ever really wanted to die. I just wanted to stop existing for a while. My depression consisted of a great confusion and hopelessness that was overwhelming. I didn’t know that it would ever end. Even now, on those rare times when it returns, I forget that it will go away again. It always goes away when I get help.
Don’t ever let it get to you if someone who doesn’t understand says that you are just talking about it to get attention. There will always be someone else here who understands.
I’m a manic depressive and may be bi-polar as well. Not too long ago I had a bad run of things when I was stuck in a shitty job, in debt up to my eyeballs, my step-brother died, and I totalled my car while drunk resulted in a DUI. I had a terrible falling out with my family and tried to OD on trazadone, zanax, and vodka. My best friend in the world luckily found me and called 911. They rushed me to the hospital and I stayed in intensive care for a short bit then they sent me off to a mental health care facility where I stayed for about a week and a half.
I’ve thought about suicide many, many, many times in my life. I still think about it. I’ve know two people in my life who have succumb to it, and I realize now that I can’t let that happen to me as well. Sure I’ve made some fucked up choices in my life, but I’m only 31 and I’ve got time to change things.
Don’t feel ashamed and don’t feel guilty. Just remember what you put yourself through and resign yourself to never let yourself end up in that kind of emotional state again. Life is fucking rough, people are fair, shit happens in and out everyday and there’s nothing we can do but just hang in there. Just try to be strong and share your feelings with others and don’t let it bottle up inside you.
Good luck and best wishes.
Tried several times, though only once did I end up in ICU. That resulted in involuntary committal to the hospital psych ward, and then (after escaping the locked ward) being shipped to a longterm psychiatric hospital and committed there, also involuntary. Realizing that the more I escaped the more time they’d give me, I ended up having to con my doctors. Was released roughly two weeks later, well before my insurance was up. I don’t suck at the con.
I would gladly accept death at a moment’s notice, but I fear pain, and longterm disability terrifies me. I have researched every known suicide method, and the only methods that I would deem acceptable are either beyond my abilities, requiring technical expertise I do not possess, or risk severe brain damage on failure, which is IMHO a fate far worse than death.
So alas, I am still here. Boy I wish that whole Kervorkian thing went the other way.
Be careful to whom you admit suicidal ideation. Involuntary committal is no picnic.
Regarding all the logical arguments against suicide, none of them hold water. To continue a miserable existence in order to prevent grief for loved ones transfers the selfishness to the loved ones. Why is the suicide’s pain less important? That particular argument says that the suicidal person’s life should be the one to suck because they are less important than other people. That is a crock of shit. (The debate of quality of life for a suicidal person who is in treatment flows from this argument…my experience has been that meds, therapy, and support from family & friends doesn’t really do much.)