Okay, let’s see if I’m ready to try this again. I think I’ve typed out this post about ten times and just given up and deleted it because it hurt too much to talk about it, but I really do think I need some help in the form of suggestions, anecdotes, etc.
Two weeks ago tonight, a very dear friend of mine from back in Oregon was shot and killed in his home at the age of 32. Apparently he was napping when someone broke in, came out and surprised them and they killed him and then stole his car. The car was found, but as far as I know they have not caught anybody yet.
I flew back to Oregon last weekend for his memorial service. Did much talking, crying, laughing and reminiscing with our very tight group of friends. Provided as much support as I could to his family and his boyfriend and everyone else. Drank and smoked way too much (oh yeah, I started smoking again after having quit for seven months), ate way too little. Came back to Reno and hoped that I would feel some sense of closure, but really I haven’t. I hadn’t seen him in a couple years, but we were all as close as any family for so many years when I lived in Oregon. I just can’t fathom a world without him in it.
I’m having a really hard time getting past this. I know it’s only been two weeks and my husband keeps assuring me that it will take time, and I know that, but honestly I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of feeling sad all the time. I’m tired of seeing him everywhere I look.
My question is: what do you do from here? How do you stop wallowing in self-destructive sadness and get on with life? For what it’s worth, I am already looking into grief counseling, and we’re thinking of making a donation to something in his name for Christmas this year, but beyond that I’m just…empty. I feel like I haven’t been myself since I heard, and I don’t know how to be again.
In my experience time is the best healer. Remember that grief is a natural process. I tried to keep in mind that my father would not want me to let his death ruin my life. It took a long time to be able to think about him without crying but eventually I was able to. He was killed when he was the age I am now. Now I am able to look back on the memory of what a great person he was and how fortunate I was to have had the time with him that I did have and I can look back with fond memories. I am sorry for your loss.
The only thing I can offer besides “time” (which is the only thing that really makes the pain go way) is that in this period of time, you shouldn’t be afraid to lean on your friends and loved ones. They know of the pain you’re going through, and they’ll do everything they can to make you feel better. It helps only so much, but they’ll be more than willing to do everything they can to make your life less stressful.
It may sound opportunistic, but you should take advantage of this time to grieve and to be with yourself, whatever you need to do for life to make sense again. You may need to pull back from the world a little bit (I know I did), and those around you will make sure that the world doesn’t come tumbling down in your absence.
They do it because they love you, and you shouldn’t be afraid to let them.
Sorry for your loss. It gets better, it really does.
One thing I think is important to understand is that time does not lessen grief at a steady rate–the periods of intense pain and loss do not get less intense with time, they just get further and further apart. When I lost a good friend, one of the hardest things was how, years later, it would hit me and I would feel as terrible as I ever had–the pain would be so sudden, and so intense, that it was like being punched in the gut. Whenever that happened I would fear it meant I was “starting over” in the grieving process, I hadn’t healed at all, I was going to have to go through the whole process again. That’s not true. Those periods pass as suddenly as they come, and every time they are further and further apart.
My baby daughter died a little over 2 years ago from one of the rarest genetic diseases ever recorded. The hospitals were more outstanding than can ever be asked of any world renowned institution. It was absolutely devastating to our entire family and I still feel effects from it.
My personal strategy is to never mention anything about it again unless there is good reason. Counselling sessions made me cry so hard I couldn’t even drive and I didn’t want to go to any of the support groups that the hospital set us up with.
I never, ever want to speak about it at length with anyone that doesn’t have a good reason to know. I just abandoned the whole thing which is quite contrary to all recommendations but I know I am not normal. Something like that will send me over the edge no matter how many times I am forced to speak about it to anyone. She’s dead. The end.
I have an degree in psychology plus all of the course work for a Ph.D. All lot of it seems like it seems like complete crap at least for me. I can’t ever get over my daughter’s death. There is no possible way that can happen. Instead, I just acknowledge it and focus on the two daughters I have now.
I don’t know how old you are, but I’m guessing 20s.
As you get older funerals start to supplant the weddings (frequency wise). Believe me, most of us are not sheltered from unexpected death. It’s something most people deal with in a lifetime.
Good luck. You’re not the first and won’t be the last to deal with this…
Maybe you’re not, but I have to say that I’ve never been a huge proponent of the idea that you have to talk and talk and talk and talk about something or “process” the hell out of it in order to “heal”, and I resent the people who try to make you do it if you don’t want to, claiming it’s the “healthy” thing to do.
I mean, if you’re smoking crack instead of dealing with it, then you might want to find another method. But otherwise, I think everyone has to do his or her own thing.
I have lost my dad, my brother, and my sister, and each time - perhaps because of where I was in my life, or my age at the time of each passing (26, 29, and 35 respectively) - I’ve dealt with it differently each time.
I’d say that only you, NailBunny, can determine whether or not you’re at an appropriate phase of your grief for the amount of time that has passed (does that make sense?), and only you can determine the best way to deal with it. But once you’ve figured out what it is you need, don’t be afraid to ask people for help, whether that help is talking to you about it, sitting in silence with you while you cry for awhile, handing you a margarita after you’ve completed a primal scream, or taking you out for a fancy dress-up dinner and talking about nothing deeper than today’s Oprah topic.
As others said it takes time and everyone grieves differently. I think one thing you might want to think about is you may be feeling more anger now than you realize. Anger is the second stage and you have to get through that stage before you can move on to the next one.
It took a very long time, over twenty years, for me to get over the death of my brother. I was sad, sure, but it was the anger I was holding on to. It was like if I left go of the anger I would be letting go of his memory, letting go of him.
The anger I felt just snow balled and became such a part of me that letting go of it was like letting go of a piece of myself.
I have let go of the anger now and have moved to the depression stage. I have cried more in the last year or so about his death than I have in the last twenty. I am crying now as I type this. It was like I just stuck it away and forgot about it but I think we can all agree that although that does work for a while, twenty years in my case, it is not the end of it.
I am slowly moving to the acceptance stage. I need to accept that he made a choice twenty four years ago and there was nothing I could have done to change it. I need to stop thinking about all the things I have missed through out the years not having a brother. All the things my kids have missed not having an uncle, never being an aunt etc.
My advice is to not rush trying to get over your grief. There is no time limit, there is no deadline. Yes, you must move on and get on with your life but losing people we love is a part of that life and makes a great impression on us. Learning from those lessons is what give us the strength to continue.
Two weeks doesn’t seem like a long time, to me. I’ve experienced a few minor shocking events (not on the scale of what you’re going through) and in each case it still took the better part of a year before I really quit feeling it.
You say you can’t imagine a world without him – perhaps this isn’t for you, but personally I tend to be a fan of the theory that we carry bits of each other in us. Such that he does still exist, through you and his other friends. I know you made a donation - is there anything else you can do, to celebrate him and bring him into the present? I love telling my kids about my grandmother, who died long before they were born; it helps me keep her memory alive.
Thank you to everyone for your replies. I’m very sorry for all of your losses as well, though it does make me feel a bit better to hear similar experiences right now. Someone inquired as to my age: I’m 30, but this is the first close friend I’ve had die, and I just don’t know how to deal. I keep breaking down at work, and everyone keeps asking me “What’s wrong?!” like it’s so perplexing as to what could POSSIBLY be upsetting me, and I’m just like “The same thing as last time, thanks.”
I think you probably have a very valid point. The way he died is very upsetting and I have been making a strong effort not to think about it too much, because he was such a kind and loving person that to feel murderous rage toward those who killed him seems to…dishonour him somehow?
No it isn’t a long time, and I’m trying to remember that. However the last two weeks have felt like two of the longest weeks of my life, so, it’s a paradox.
Clearly, as the quote above shows, nobody is entitled to tell you how to feel or how to process your feelings, but I would humbly suggest the opposite approach.
For me, it’s always helpful to process my feelings by writing them down. I’d suggest writing a letter to your friend; write down all the things you wanted to say, all those good memories you still cherish, how you feel about them…it can be very cathartic.
I lost a good friend this past summer when he took his own life. I still think of Nick frequently, and I still go through moments of disbelief, but most of my memories or thoughts are not painful, even as I’m still upset about his death.
Two weeks is a drop of sand in the hour glass of life.
You have lost an incredible friend in a most horrific manner. He didn’t do anything wrong and was in his own place. There is no way the brain can justify what happened to him because it is senseless, violent and so very wrong.
If your friend had gotten behind the wheel of a car and driven somewhere only to crash and die, you can wrap your brain around it as, " What a dumbass. He knew better. What a dumbass. He knew better. What the hell was he thinking?!"
If he had intervened in a fight and gotten killed, you can justify it as, " He was trying to help and things got out of hand."
If he had Cancer or some other horrible disease, you can justify the end as, " He is out of pain and he was a victim of a crappy disease."
And so on.
What happened to your friend is one of those random senseless acts of savagery and barbarism that we only read about in the daily news that happen to someone else. When we read it it is horrible and awful and What Is This World Coming Too? And then get go on to read Dilbert.
You need to focus on your loss and your anger and denial. You are in a very surreal place right now. The reality that you can never just pick up the phone and call your friend to rub it in that his favorite team ( or whatever) just bit the big one is going to kick you in the gut every time you see something that reminds you of him. It is very real and it hurts. Let it happen. Maybe get in the habit of saying, " (name), I miss you." and one day in the dark future it can change to " (name), here’s to you."
Then focus on the good times and things you learned from your friend. Write them down in a jumble of words then organize them into some form of cohesion, make copies and send to his family and the gang on your friends birthday. I cannot imagine the hell his parents are siblings are immersed in.
Out of these dark moments you will learn more about human nature and compassion. The Queen of England said it best, " Grief is the price we pay for love."
For me, it’s the other way 'round. I get on with life, make myself keep busy, and that eases the self-destructive sadness. Sort of like Shagnasty’s technique, but I do allow myself moments of expression and grief.
This sounds terribly clinical, I know, but I found a timer very helpful. First, I’d plan something time sensitive, like going to a movie or meeting a friend for lunch. An hour before that, I’d set the timer for 40 minutes, and give myself those 40 minutes to really sink in and wallow. To cry, to scream, to just lie there quivering, to throw pillows at the wall, whatever. And when the timer went off, I was done. That’s it, get up, get ready to go, and get on with my day and not mention it again. I found that this worked better for me than a full day of trying to hold back my tears and failing hourly.
After a few days, I was able to do Grief Time without that scheduled activity to follow, and when the timer went off, I was able to get up and clean the kitchen or write a paper or whatever. And then I started shortening the time on the timer. Finally one day (about six weeks in) I realized I’d forgotten Grief Time for the day, and I hadn’t been overwhelmed. So I tried skipping it. The next day I needed it again, but then after that I was able to go two days without. Gradually the days between increased, until I didn’t feel the need any more.
I’m 54.
My parents died within a month of each other just over a year ago. We were very close. For example they moved (at my invitation) 100 miles to live around the corner for me for the last 3 years of their lives.
When they died, I’d never experienced anything like it.
Fortunately my employers (I’m a teacher) gave me time off work and I also got a lot of help:
my sister helped with all the funeral details and the legal stuff
one friend drove 100 miles to help me with all the paperwork needed to register a death (it took hours each time)
another friend phoned me every day just to talk
the School Chaplain spent the evening with me when each death happened
I had no idea how long grief lasts, nor how many phases you go through. Fortunately I got recommmended a charity called Cruse and they have been magnificent.
I had an initial interview, then they offered to send a counsellor round each week. This has really helped and I’m still seeing her.
She has sympathetically explained that:
it can take years to get over a loss and this is completely natural
you go through feelings of numbness, sorrow, tiredness and rage (I’ve had all of these, some lasting months)
it really helps to get support, especially from others who have been through the same thing.
NailBunny, I didn’t feel ready to open up on the SDMB before now, but your post struck a chord.
I have had very similar feelings to you, but thanks to all the help I am coping. In the last year I have managed to sort out two wills, rearrange my financial affairs and restructure my job. It hasn’t been easy, but I know I will get through this.
In addition, I want to help others because I have been helped so much.
I hope this helps you.
The best advice I ever got was to separate the events into the things you can control and the things you can’t control. And as the saying goes, accept what you can’t change and do well with the rest.
Things you can’t control: the amount of grief you will feel over the next year
Things you can control: all sorts of self-destructive behaviors like smoking and drinking and self-pity and acting out on anger; getting on with your life and doing the things you believe in.