[COLOR=“rgb(255, 0, 255)”][COLOR=“DarkSlateBlue”]For all my life my big sister has hated me. I’m 32 and she is 38. We were both raised the same from very good parents and a wonderful family. Good morals and values. We both look a lot alike, 5"7 blonde hair, green eyes, very athletic. We played softball together and we both were very good. I played first base and she played 2nd base. We traveled together. But she would always have negative things to say to me and would always want to prove she was better. I have always had bigger boobs than her and a curvier bottom. She would talk negative about my body. She ended up having a boob job and would get Botox injections all the time. She never listened to me and would always interrupt me when I was talking. She had a very awesome husband and she had two kids with him and she cheated on him all the time. He divorced her. Then during that time she needed me… Then she got married to a guy 9 years younger than her, a engineer. She had a good job herself, but she cheated on him all the time also. She would plan trips, movie dates, lake trips with her kids and my cousins and their kids, my brother and my mom and leave me and my husband and son out. It got worse after my dad died. I would confront her and she would play it off like it wasn’t intentional. So her cheating ended up with a underage boy of 13 years old and now she is in prison for 15 years, no joke. I wish I were joking… 
she had denied it for so long. So now she writes me all the time and wants me to write her, send pictures, etc,etc. I have no relationship with her. If she wouldn’t have got caught behind bars she would still not want anything to do with me, so now she does? She asked my mom to give me her cell phones and wanted me to go through them for her, erase everything and sell them so she could have money. I went through them and noticed my name coming up a lot. She HATED ME! I found two years of awful things being said about me and my husband and my 12 year old son. She clearly stated that she did not want us in her life. After the thousandth letter and my mom saying she always wishes she would hear from me… I don’t know what to do… I can see that she won’t stop bothering me or my mom about us writing to her. Any advise please?[/COLOR][/COLOR]
It sounds like the choices she’s made have made your sister very unhappy. My advice would be to carry on with your own life and family, and leave her to the results of her own bad decisions. Try to support your Mom, as this is no doubt very hard for her, but don’t let her burden you with your sister’s problems. Say something like “I’d rather talk about how you’re doing, Mom.”, whenever she brings up your sister.
Thank you for your reply. That’s what I want to do. I just don’t want my mom to have any more drama from this situation with her. I hope she just gets the point and drops it. Thanks again for your advise. 
I also have an older sister who always hated me.
I suspect that it goes back to when I was brought home from the hospital as a newborn, and suddenly our mother was more interested in the new baby than she was in my sister.
My advice: stay the fuck away from your sister in the months after your mother (or father) dies. The last thing you’ll need as you’re dealing with your grief is to have an older sibling who has always despised you bringing their their long-held emotional baggage to the table.
Yes, my sister developed a raging hatred for me when her life went into the shitter and she was forced to see my life up close. She’d just lost her home, we had just purchased ours, something neither she or I thought would happen. She is divorced and very bitter, has been many years. Angrier still to see we, who couldn’t be arsed to actually walk down the aisle, coming up on our 25th anniversary, while she was still alone and miserable. Now throw in that with a math degree and years of experience in IT, she could not find work, while we, who have always been lowly servers seem always to easily find employment and earn well. I suspect another factor was that while she has spent a lifetime talking about altruist feelings, she arrived at my home when I was receiving lots of respect and props for ongoing caregiving for a bedridden loved one, for many years. But the real kicker, I believe was coming into a magical reunion with a beautiful and accomplished daughter I had surrendered to adoption as a teenager. Unfortunately this coincided with the appropriate yet trying times of her own daughter, and last child, leaving home, and her alone.
Ultimately I feel it was because she had very low expectations for me, and pretty high ones for herself. To suddenly see herself failing, where she never imagined, and then the double whammy of getting an up close look at the blessings I received, but in her eyes never deserved, was just too much for her to handle. I can kind of see why too, she felt she was more deserving of these things than I. I suppose I had always believed as she did, that I was the fuck up and she was by the book doing all the ‘right’ things, as opposed to my struggling and wandering, somewhat randomly from one thing to another.
It hurt a great deal to realize she was pissed because my life didn’t crash and burn as she’d expected. That I had exceeded expectations, made her mad at me, not happy for me. As I’d been unaware, all along that this was how she viewed me, I was much taken aback indeed. I was extremely hurt.
But in the end you can only lead your own life. And haters only have significance if you give it to them.
We’re I you, I would plead lack of time or inexperience and reject following her directives regarding phones etc. keep your distance. If you feel the need, send her a short unrewarding letter, along the ‘hope things improve’ line, and leave it at that. Don’t get sucked in. Don’t address her issues or questions, and keep sending effectively the same letter over and over when pressured, distant, uninterested, no specifics, generalized hope you’re well, and done.
I’m sorry this is happening to you as it sounds really awful, I wish you Good Luck !
Your sister sounds like a very sick person. You can’t help her. If you remain in contact and try to do things to make her happy, you’ll only fuel her illness. At this point, it would be best to distance yourself from her.
Maybe she just doesn’t like your font choices? 
How did you play on a youth softball team with someone who is 6 years older than you?
A wall of purple Comic Sans text is enough to get anybody to hate you.
More seriously, as you describe it, her problems are entirely hers, and you have nothing to gain by putting yourself in the middle of them. She’s made her bed. Keep your distance.
She’s a newbie, I will cut her slack for the OP.
(Note to OP: Don’t do that again if you want to be taken seriously)
My wife is going through this RIGHT NOW with not one, not two, but three older sisters. None of them are in jail though, but they are definitely insecure and jealous of my wife since she was the baby of the family who ended up with the education, our successful business, and our ability (foresight) to stay out of trouble in the fiscal sense, while these three racked up the debt, failed marriages, and leather skin from too much care-free fun in the sun.
When my father in law passed away last year, that was the beginning of the end for our direct relationship with them, thankfully. I haven’t seen any of them since his funeral. My wife still has to deal with them though because there is a fifth sister who is developmentally disabled in a skilled nursing facility, and my wife is the best link to her having an advocate from here on out. The other three sisters didn’t want anything to do with her (the 5th sister) until the father passed, while my wife always went with mom (been deceased) to visit her all of the years growing up. Those years spent on visiting her sister gave my wife a plan/career path that translated into a college degree and masters in human development/services, a job as a counselor for the developmentally disabled for 8 years, our business serving the developmentally disabled for the last 20+ years, and even shared conservatorship with her mom (until she passed) for her sister.
And these three sisters now want to decide what’s best for her…:rolleyes:
In the 30 years that I have know them, they have turned into bitter old hags with built up muscules in their foreheads from years of scowling at my wife for their own resentments in life. They have this mentality that 3 of them can outvote my wife on any family-related decision…back then with their father, and now with the sister. Guess what will happen if they try to get joint conservatorship…wifey will shoot that idea down, and then turn around and re-apply for conservatorship herself, and will most certainly get it. But she’s being cool about right now, because they are constantly making asses of themselves at any group meeting regarding her sister (like they did with their father)…racking up the bitchpoints like Kareem used to with his sky-hook.
The lesson: You don’t have to spend your life trying to make somebody happy, because you can’t if they are not happy with themselves…but if banging your head against a wall is your favorite thing to do, then go ahead and stay in your sister’s life, otherwise keep some good distance until she has shown over a period of time as a changed person…and I mean that over a course of years (not days, weeks or months).
Want to know why she suddenly likes you ?
First off she probably still doesn’t like you. But she probably went through her short list of people, whom turned her all down and she got to you on the list. She’s going to try an wrangle you into doing things for that she can’t do because she’s locked up. She’s using you. Don’t give in. If my sibling treated me like that, and all of a sudden hand a change of heart. I wouldn’t waste two seconds telling her, no it ain’t happening. Get some one else to do your shit on the outside for you. Before you know it, she’ll be asking you to buy her cartons of cigarettes and candy bars.
Excellent point.
It’s like some people feel that the only way to get their fair share of oxygen is to strangle everyone around them.
Welcome to the Straight Dope, Pooty. We don’t use fonts other than the standard around here, so thanks for sticking with it in your subsequent posts.
We have another forum here, In My Humble Opinion, where we most usually place advice threads. I’m going to move it there for you.
Best of luck to you in your situation.
Ellen Cherry
Straight Dope moderator
Wait, so it is against the rules to post in different fonts?
She’s in jail for having sex with a 13 year old, and you’re wondering why SHE hates YOU? I’d have to say, who gives a fuck? Obviously she’s a severely messed-up pedophile and you’re better off without her in your life. Give her phones back to your mom and cut this crazy bitch out of your life.
Usually I’m all for the compassionate route. But honestly, my first reaction upon reading this thread was, ‘‘Well, some people are just assholes.’’ It doesn’t sound like she has a logical reason to hate you, I just think she’s not a very nice person, and it sounds like you have taken her mean-spiritedness personally. It sounds like she treats other people like shit as well, and then the pedophile thing on top of that… I don’t think I would want her in my life. I’d be thanking my lucky stars I didn’t have to deal with her for 15 years.
Not against the rules…but it’s not always about the rules.
I concur with that. Your sister was old enough to have got used to being the sole object of your parent’s affection before you arrived.
Jealousy is irrational.
Any chance your user name describes a chronic real-life problem? 
7
That’s the magic post number that first mentioned the font. I thought it would be sooner than that!
I just came in here to amoeba my similar situation to this one. I have a sister in law that just hates me for some reason. For the life of me I can’t figure out why. Upon meeting my wife for the first time; the first words out of her mouth were “I got the good one.” Really? No “Nice to meet you,” or a simple “Hello?” I’m not sure we’ve spoken since then. I organized a family reunion which she was suddenly to ill to attend. She sent some homemade jelly to my brother and sister; but didn’t send any to me. It doesn’t bother me per-se; except the digging curiosity of what makes me such an undesirable person. I might add, similar to some of the examples above; she’s kind of a self loathing kind of person it seems. Whatever…