To my sister

The BBQ Pit
1

Look, I’m not going to apologize. I lost all the weight I gained when I was pregnant 15 years ago. I didn’t marry and divorce an abusive drug addict. I’m not raising two kids by myself. No, I don’t have to work. Yes, I have a nice house that is almost paid for. Yes, my husband bought me a car. Yes, I can cook. I am very happy in my life. I’m not sorry about any of that.

I am sorry your life isn’t what you wanted. You made your choices, I made mine. Maybe I did get lucky, maybe it has nothing to do with the choices I’ve made. Maybe your life has nothing to do with the choices you’ve made, maybe you’ve just got rotten luck. Whatever the case, I’m happy and I’m sorry you’re not. But I am not sorry that I’m not, OK?

Your little (and not-so-little) digs at me aren’t going to make your life any better, but if it makes you feel better, just keep right on doing it. Don’t be surprised, though, if when you call, I’m not home. Don’t be surprised if, when you come over for holidays, I’m merely civil to you and nothing more. Even my patience has an end, and kiddo, you just sailed right on past it.

2

Oh, aren’t the holidays grand.

3

Just be glad your sister isn’t threatening to get a lawyer (and where one sister is concerned a P.I. to go after you and the rest of your siblings (don’t know how many you have, I have 4).

Somethings can bring out the worst in famlies, among them are (IMHO) money, jealousy, death and holidays . Sucks.

4

Have you tried talking to your sister about some of the things she says and how you feel when she says them?

5

She isn’t speaking to me, I ** really ** don’t want to hijack ** LifeOnWry’s ** thread.

If you want you can read about the mess that is now my life here
http://www.livejournal.com/users/aye/

I just realized that may sound snarky Zoe, If so please forgive me, I don’t mean it that way.

6

It’s ok, I don’t think Zoe addressed you any way but accidently. It certainly seems to me that her comment was addressed to the OP.

7

That’s why I don’t talk to my family. The ones on my side aren’t worth the powder to blow them to hell, and frankly, I’m a happier person for it.

I like everything else about the holidays, but that.

8

To my sister:

Yes, I’m going to law school. I didn’t do it because I’m trying to please our parents. Please shut up about that.

No, I haven’t had children. That doesn’t mean I hate them. And no, that doesn’t mean you have to PITY me, EITHER.

Yes, I’m not deeply in debt and worrying about where my next cable bill is coming from. That doesn’t mean I have to pay your freaking CABLE bill, jesus christ on a pogo stick! It just means I didn’t flunk out of school, marry someone who cruises from job to job aimlessly, or have a child at too young of an age. I don’t have money just sitting around that you can ask for. I have stuff to pay for too, like the fence in my back yard that is falling down, like the leak in the roof, and like my 40K debt (and counting!) for law school! Stop being such a snide bitch! I didn’t do it on purpose!

Yes, I am thinner than you. Always have been. I don’t care that you weigh more than me. Deal.

Oh yeah, and until you stop being a rude, vindictive ass to me every time I see you, I’m not going to be all chummy like I was years ago. Stop with the attitude and we might even be sisters again.

9

I don’t know if I’m glad or sorry to see that I’m not the only one.

It’s petty shit, it really is. She makes wisecracks that even the most socially ignorant person could see are spiteful and envious.

She’s overweight, but you know, she’s pretty healthy and she’s not into dieting. She’s not obese, and I certainly do NOT comment negatively on her weight. In fact, last night I complimented her on her new haircut and her pretty sweater. She ASKED me how much I weigh, and when I answered, she said, “Yeah, in your fucking dreams. If you don’t want to answer, fine, but don’t LIE.”

My husband is a nice guy. Her former husband was not, but I tolerated him. Her current fiance seems like a decent guy and he has a steady, well-paying job. Yet my sister makes cracks about me “marrying money.” Yes, my husband’s family is well-off, but it’s not like I married a wealthy playboy - he works hard, earns a good living and eventually will inherit his parents’ estate. It’s not any of her business, but said estate is considerably smaller than my sister thinks it is. We aren’t struggling, but we’re careful and will need to remain careful.

She picks on my kid - nothing major, but she makes cracks about my parenting. My daughter is an honor student, she’s a little shy and she takes piano lessons. My sister asked for a recital last night - daughter balked, and Sis made a comment about me “wasting money to send her to music lessons.” Then she went on for quite some time about her daughter’s dance recitals and her son’s football games. Her son has a mohawk haircut right now, but Sis made a few remarks about my daughter experimenting with haircolor.

She comments on my house, my housekeeping, my pets, and even made a crack about the fact that I happen to have my mother-in-law’s antique china - it’s service for 24, and we had 22 guests last night. “Any excuse to show it off, huh?” she said.

PETTY, jealous bullshit. And it’s petty of me to let it bother me, but there you go. Confronting her is not an option - I know her well enough that any mention of it will only bring on more of the same. It’s best if I “rise above it”, if I ignore it and carry on. But dammit, it hurts my feelings, and I hate feeling that I ought to be defending myself, my kid, my husband and my lifestyle.

10

Ack! What a bitch!

Next time, do not tell her your weight. Tell her that it is none of her business, or that you weigh as much as you look like you weigh, or whatever.

What a BITCH. I am sorry your daughter had to hear that.

It’s not petty to be bothered by it, it sounds like she is relentless in her cracks. What a pain in the ass.

11

Then tell her to stop and create consequences if she doesn’t. Haven’t you mentioned that in your OP? I think it’s best to start carrying it out.

12

Wow.

I love my sister, and my mom, dad, and family. Even my son’s dad isn’t all that bad. Wow.

I’m so sorry. I’m guessing you’ve tried the sympathetic trying to help her get out of her situation advice? Kill her with kindness, sorry there isn’t better advice for you. And I’m so glad you’re happy, but even so…

Why won’t people learn that there isn’t some finite amount of happiness in the world, and that others having it doesn’t mean that there’s less for you?

It’s as if they think that if someone else got lucky, that that person got 'their" happiness or something. Someone else’s luck has ZERO bearing on what is happening in your life.

13

May I gloat? It was the best Thanksgiving since the twins were newborns and I went for takeout because it was too cold to drive them a mile and a half to the in-laws. This time dinner was in Racine but Wife and our oldest worked Wednesday and Friday so driving two hours each way in the snow seemed too much trouble so there were NO in-laws at all. AND the twins did most of the cooking so while it wasn’t the extravaganza my BIL usually throws (Have any of you actually known anybody who went to the trouble of preparing a chicken roasted in a duck roasted in a turkey? It’s good but not worth the drive.) it was plenty good, basic food. And without my wife’s family, whom she dislikes, and the drive, which I dislike.

That felt good! Now to my dear friend Life’s complaints. It looks to me like you need more excuses to avoid your sister. May I offer the services of my children? They can come up with so many of them that are so very annoying that your mom will eventually give up with a hand wave and a frustrated “Whatever.” Then you can concentrate on the important things, like sucking up to your in-laws. Don’t think anything is in the bag until they’re in the ground. The will can be changed at any time and you don’t want to spend the rest of your life in probate court. It’s too tacky and gives too many people an opening to cluck, “The young Mr Wry had it made until that wife of his dragged him to Thanksgiving with her trailer-trash* sister once too often and now everything went to PETA. And did you see her daughter’s hair at the recital?”

    • I, personally, am a big fan of manufactured housing but you know how some people are prejudiced.
14

Now that right there is WISDOM. I never thought of it that way, but that may be exactly what’s going on in my sister’s head.

Killing her with kindness doesn’t work - she is the only person I know who can borrow money and make the lender feel guilty for having it to lend. (I must confess - the second time she asked, I made my poor husband out to be a total jerk: “Sorry, but the WryGuy says no. If it were up to me, of course I would, but you know, I don’t have my OWN money.”)

dropzone - c’mere and let me pinch your little cheeks. And yeah, I think avoidance is the route to go here. Thanks for the offer of your kids to provide distraction, but truly, I know how their antics make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside - I’d hate to deprive you of he entertainment.

15

You’ve nailed it. I’ve encountered too many people who act as if my good news takes something away from them. It’s bizarre.

It’s really something when you see someone’s face fall when they find out that you do something well or you’ve had some good news. It’s also weird when all you hear is a sullen silence and a quick change of subject when they hear that you’ve done well in some way.

I’ve decided (and I’m serious about this) that with the next new person I meet (coworker, etc.) I am telling them as little about myself as possible. It seems like nothing good comes from people knowing that you have anything going for you. (I know, I know, it depends on the people you meet.) But seriously—some people are just toxic, and the less they know about you, the less miserable they can make you.

16

Sig Line!

17

Aw man, the correct answer was “Much less than you.”

18

Well, I can’t take much credit. I went through that angry jealous phase in younger years myself. But, I guess even then, I realized that it was in fact, jealousy and covetousness.

I just wish I knew what to say to make YOU feel better. And her too for that matter, no matter how smug and bitchy these people act when they’re doing this, it doesn’t make them feel better.

It’s a shame, lLifeonWriy, I’m so grateful that my sister and I got all of our snitty, bitchy phase out when we were kids.

We spent thanksgiving at a cheap breakfast place, Village Inn. It was, of course pretty slow, so along with a few other customers, we pretty much had the place to ourselves. And typical for our family, we spent it cutting up and giggling our butts off. Her poor boyfriend, he must have thought he was in giggly-girl hell :smiley:

I guess the only other thing I can suggest is to meet her snideness with complete ignorance of what she’s saying. For instance her snotty “yeah f’ing right” when you told her what you weighed, a smiling completely oblivious to the insult “Yeah, I know, it’s hard to believe huh? I’ve gotten so FAT in my old age”.

Not only are you of course NOT fat, but you ignored her snottiness, didn’t let her arrow hit the mark, and since you obviously are NOT fat, you turned the arrow back ON her with somewhat of a hidden insult of your own.

That is, youre not fat, of course, but in saying that you are, how much chunkier does SHE then appear. But of course you said nothing of the sort, only chuckled ruefully at yourself.

Pretended ignorance of insults sometimes helps. I wish I knew something better. Well, know that your well though of in here, anyway, I might not always agree with your topic, but you’re intelligent and well-spoken, and you often have some clever things to say. :slight_smile:

19

Perhaps the direct approach would work best.

Something like…

“I find your remarks deliberately hurtful and insulting. I will not allow you to treat me or mine that way. I would rather that we not speak to each other at all, anymore.”

20

But you SHOULD be defending at least your kid against this bitch’s poison. I imagine your husband can defend himself. But the minute she started spouting off about MY CHILD, I’d have invited her to either shut up or leave. YMMV.