I’m sure some of you will judge me, call me names and condemn me to hell… The point of this thread is to get some guidance not to be bashed… I never thought it would happen to me. But it did. I had an affair and part of another.
Last year I met a man who is married and twice my senior. There was an instant physical attraction from the moment we met. We work in the same vicinity and see each other almost every day. I am in a relationship, although not married for the past seven years. Both of our relationships are suffering for different reasons and this past September we began to have an affair.
In December, before Christmas I tried to end it with this man. Solely because I had began to develop deeper feelings for him. Beyond a physical connection. And frankly, what we are doing is wrong. However, it did not end until last week. We ended it on mutual terms per say. But now he wants to talk about it face to face which I have honestly been avoiding. Getting a new job is not possible whatsoever right now. And Cutting off all contact is impossible because of our working relationship.
I think about him every day. Should I come clean to my boyfriend? Or are some secrets better left in the dark? How do I deal with the guilt? Most importantly should I talk to mr married as per his request? Any advice would be great. And feel free to ask questions.
I want to know what I need to do to get it on with a woman half my age. Heck, even when I was half this age (or a third this age) I couldn’t get anywhere with girls my own age. the playing field doesn’t look any leveler at an advanced age.
If he’s your boyfriend, not your spouse, you don’t need to tell him. If you plan to get married, maybe he should know. If there’s a lilihood he’ll hear from someone else, tell him.
Otherwise, move on. You had your fun or whatever, now back to the real world.
A)In a perfect world I’d say keep your mouth shut and move on with life, but if you had two affairs, you’re going to have more, it’s not going to stop. Either you’re in the ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ category or your current relationship isn’t working out for you and you need to breakup with your boyfriend. What you tell him is up to you, but you need to leave him. You’re not going to be with him forever, so the sooner the better. Besides, he’ll figure it out eventually.
B)Due to my wife having an affair (or more, who knows), my mairrage was ruined and my daughter will never know what it’s like to grow up in a normal family. She’ll never get to go to Disney world with her mom and dad. She’ll never get to have a birthday with both of her Grandmas and Grandpas. She’s never seen her entire family in the same room at the same time. All she knows of us being a ‘family’ is a handful of pictures from before her 4th birthday. Yes, I would like to judge you, call you names and condemn to hell women (or men) who cheat on their spouses.
For that, I would ask that you leave him. Sooner rather than later. Before you get married. Before you have kids. The longer you wait, the worse it’ll be for everyone involved.
Don’t tell your boyfriend. I can’t think of one good thing that would come from that.
I get that you cannot cut off all contact with this man because you work together, but you must not be alone with him or have any conversation about the R that is now over. You have to take charge of this and if he approaches you to “talk,” you MUST say, “That topic is off limits now,” and STICK TO IT. Leave the room nicely if necessary or hang up the phone. He has to know that you mean business.
I am speaking from experience. If you want this R to be over, YOU have to keep that door closed and locked. It happened. It’s over. That’s all.
Don’t bother about the guilt. There’s no way to “deal” with it except to not dwell on it. Both of you are adults. Both of you made decisions. Now you have decided to change your mind. From now on, how he feels, what he thinks about the R, whether or not he wants to have The Talk-- that is no longer on your agenda, on your to-do list, or on your plate.
Put up a wall. Period. Be cordial and stick FIRMLY AND UNWAVERINGLY to work-related topics.
You’re not the greatest sinner in the world. What you did is common throughout history. Don’t make an overly big deal about it now. You learned your lesson, so forgive yourself and don’t look back.
I know: easier said than done. But every day it will get easier.
Don’t tell your BF. The guilt you are feeling should be yours alone. Why should he have to suffer for your mistake?
In the meantime, you’re just gonna have to weather the storm. The awkwardness with your coworker will pass in time. I would have no personal face time with him if I were you.
Also, hope the gossip by the water cooler doesn’t get you in trouble or cause any more drama than you already have.
And lastly, break up with your BF. But still don’t tel him about your affair.
Joey, I’m sorry you were so hurt by your wife. What you say is true of some people. It depends on why they cheat.
Some people DO learn their lesson and never stray again. Really.
To suggest that the OP dump her boyfriend to protect him because SHE is now doomed to a life of serial infidelity… that is a bit over the top. From your perspective, I can see that it makes sense. But your perspective is one man’s perspective. It’s not the whole picture.
@md2000 hahaha I think that’s a question for him, not me I’ve honestly always dated within my age range (currently 31) and I’m still asking myself why? (About the whole age difference.) I do not have “daddy issues” nor am I looking for a “father figure” … As for my boyfriend, the marriage talk has come up in multiple conversations on both ends but it’s more talk then reality. We live in different cities so there is absolutely no way he could find out but it’s the guilt that’s killing me.
Thank you I appreciated the honesty. As for the face time, I cant avoid that as much as I’d like to. Luckily no one at work suspects anything. Chances are I will end it with my boyfriend. Thank you.
I understand that, really, I do. But the OP said that she had two affairs (I had an affair and part of another). If you had two affairs (assuming you were with one person during that time), it’s probably going to continue. Like I said, either the OP is in the ‘always a cheater’ category or the relationship isn’t working.
I assume that’s the ‘and part of another’. Not to keep harping on the ‘dump him’ thing. But if you were cheating on him AND you were the other woman’ at one point, I’d get out. Only because, IME, people that cheat on someone else, will probably do it again. By that I mean, there’s a good chance he’ll do it to you at some point. IOW, someday, you’ll find out that he’s leaving you for someone else.
I’ve had all too many friends find out that their girlfriend was cheating on them only to remind them that when they started dating she was still dating the last guy, so this shouldn’t have been a real big surprise.
The General Questions forum is for questions with factual answers. Questions seeking advice and opinions belong in our IMHO forum. I will move the thread for you.
Moving thread from General Questions to In My Humble Opinion.
Yes it is. Not sure why I cant edit the original post. Chances are I will leave him. The last year has been the worst of all. My boyfriend and I did not start as an affair. I appreciate your thoughts on the situation, I truly do and fully understand what you are saying… I have heard lots about this myself as well.
I’ve honestly always dated within my age range (currently 31) and I’m still asking myself why? (About the whole age difference.) I do not have “daddy issues” nor am I looking for a “father figure” … As for my boyfriend, the marriage talk has come up in multiple conversations on both ends but it’s more talk then reality. We live in different cities so there is absolutely no way he could find out but it’s the guilt that’s killing me.