For the record, I am a happily married mother of two who has never had an affair and has no intentions of having one in the future. However, I’m also not particularly judgemental of those who have, for the most part, and would just really like to hear what it’s all about from your point of view. I ask please that judgements and insults be kept out of this discussion and I’d prefer to hear from the cheaters rather than the cheatees if possible, but would be interested in hearing from the “other woman/man”.
Some things I am particularly interested in include but aren’t limited to:
Was it a one-time thing or an ongoing affair?
Why’d you do it? Specifically, why not end the original relationship before pursuing the new one? (Particularly in cases of long-term or repeated affairs)
In hindsight, what was the state of the relationship you were cheating on? Were there issues? At the time, what did you think was the state of your relationship?
Did you love (or think you loved) the person you cheated with?
How did it end?
What was the impact on your existing relationship?
Did you confess? Get caught? Never tell?
How did you feel about it at the time? How do you feel about it now?
How do you feel about others who cheat?
How many times have you cheated? Do you think you may again?
- Was it a one-time thing or an ongoing affair? Both
- Why’d you do it? Specifically, why not end the original relationship before pursuing the new one? (Particularly in cases of long-term or repeated affairs). Lack of sex at home, long separations due to military deployment. They were temporary things, regardless of some lasting several months. Except for the last one: I’m married to her now for 20 years and no cheating.
- In hindsight, what was the state of the relationship you were cheating on? Were there issues? At the time, what did you think was the state of your relationship? Pretty much relegated to just another child in the house, or worse. Treated somewhat with contempt. I’d also grown apart from her in several ways. She was a career martyr and very judgmental.
- Did you love (or think you loved) the person you cheated with? Only the last time.
- How did it (they) end? Various ways. Usually both of us were in it for the fun, not for the long term, and just eventually went our separate ways.
- What was the impact on your existing relationship? None, until the last one.
- Did you confess? Get caught? Never tell? No. No, although she suspected at times, perhaps. Never.
- How did you feel about it at the time? How do you feel about it now? Felt great, felt wanted, felt satisfied sexually and emotionally. I have no regrets.
- How do you feel about others who cheat? None of my business and don’t care.
- How many times have you cheated? Half dozen, I guess.
Do you think you may again? No. I’m completely happy in my present marriage and have never considered it in 20 years.
- Has anyone ever cheated on you? One girlfriend in college. Otherwise I have no idea.
Thanks for your insightful reply! I’m truly happy for you that things are working out for you. Out of curiosity (no judgement, I promise), how log were you with your current partner before you broke it off with your original partner? What made you finally do it? Why didn’t you break up before pursuing the new relationship?
She said she was single. OK, divorced. Not legally, yet. But separated. Not legally with that, either. But she felt really distant from him. And they slept on opposite sides of the house. But woo hoo, her first affair!
Most of this was not revealed to me until after we’d slept together. As in, right after. When we started I thought she was divorced.
It was weird.
I didn’t have any regrets, but the next day I felt profoundly sad. I told her that I couldn’t continue with her.
- Was it a one-time thing or an ongoing affair? Ongoing - Why’d you do it? Specifically, why not end the original relationship before pursuing the new one? (Particularly in cases of long-term or repeated affairs) Various reasons, which mostly boil down to “I was afraid to”.
*- In hindsight, what was the state of the relationship you were cheating on? Were there issues? At the time, what did you think was the state of your relationship? * The original relationships were irreparably broken to begin with, IMO.
*- Did you love (or think you loved) the person you cheated with? * Yes.
*- How did it end? * I left the original relationship.
*- What was the impact on your existing relationship? *Things were bad, they got worse. - Did you confess? Get caught? Never tell? It was strongly suspected, I never admitted to it. - How did you feel about it at the time? How do you feel about it now? I never felt good about it. Not because I treated someone badly, he deserved it. But it wasn’t fun, it was stressful and frightening and exhausting. I was making bad decisions and wasting my own time. - How do you feel about others who cheat? I don’t think they are necessarily bad people. I hate when people say, once a cheater always a cheater.
*- How many times have you cheated? Do you think you may again? * Two. No. - Has anyone ever cheated on you? Yes.
- Was it a one-time thing or an ongoing affair? Ongoing - Why’d you do it? Specifically, why not end the original relationship before pursuing the new one? (Particularly in cases of long-term or repeated affairs) I felt that I’d never be able or entitled to leave my existing (at that time) relationship, which was very abusive.
*- In hindsight, what was the state of the relationship you were cheating on? Were there issues? At the time, what did you think was the state of your relationship? * Dreadful. He was a violent, abusive alcoholic. I believed by that point that I was entitled to no better.
*- Did you love (or think you loved) the person you cheated with? * He’s the love of my life.
*- How did it end? * I left the old relationship, I’m now married to the ‘other man’, with the children I never thought I’d have.
*- What was the impact on your existing relationship? * I developed the courage to leave it. - Did you confess? Get caught? Never tell? He claimed to believe I was unfaithful anyway, although I suspect it was just something he said. He has no idea of the truth, we haven’t communicated since I left. - How did you feel about it at the time? How do you feel about it now? I can’t remember feeling guilty, although I generally felt worthless anyway. Now, I think it was necessary and may well have helped to save my life. I think I would have woken up and left eventually, but it may have been too late, in all sorts of ways. - How do you feel about others who cheat? I try not to presume to judge. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors.
*- How many times have you cheated? Do you think you may again? * Once only. Never again. - Has anyone ever cheated on you? I suspect so, but I don’t know for sure.
The new relationship started out as just another fling, but it was clear to me after about three months or so that I had inadvertently met the person that I should have been with all my life. I had gotten out of the military two years earlier and was truly in a quandary about how in the hell I was going to be able to spend the rest of my life with the woman I had been married to for 21 years, without the periodic escape of deployment or other extended travel. Our sex drives had never matched up, even from the very first months of marriage, and I was looking at many years of very infrequent sex with a person whom I no longer much cared for. Sex aside, the thought of retirement, and spending 24/7 with her was intolerable.
My present spouse and I were with each other for about a year before the divorce was final, but I told my ex it was over some months prior to that. It was difficult, because there was still a child at home, and of course there was some resentment from the other kids, which is natural. But things had reached critical mass as far as I was concerned, and I had to do something to ensure my own happiness. Staying with my ex would have made two people extremely unhappy, and eventually I would have had to take some sort of action to escape. She professed complete surprise at my request for divorce. To me, that just confirmed that I had become a piece of the furniture, to be ignored and tolerated. It was just fortuitous that I met my soul mate at a critical juncture in my life.
It matters not one bit to me what anybody thinks of me or my actions. Judge or don’t judge, it’s all the same to me. My kids now have enough years and enough divorces and drama behind them that they have some understanding about what unhappiness can do to a person. I’m happy with my decisions and my life and regret none of it.
In my 44 years including a 15 year relationship/10 year marriage I never cheated. Though during that marriage I was accused of it many times. One of the reasons why that marriage worked so well :rolleyes:
A couple years ago during the divorce proceedings (which are still on going) I slept with a married woman several times. She was an old friend that I knew from the time we were 12 but I hadn’t seen her for a while. She made the first move and I did not know her husband. Yes there was alcohol involved the first time. - Was it a one-time thing or an ongoing affair? Ongoing but not steady. Occasional hook ups.
- Why’d you do it? Specifically, why not end the original relationship before pursuing the new one? (Particularly in cases of long-term or repeated affairs) I did it because the sex was great and I could rationalize the rest. I came to realize that she was trying to fill a void in her life and forget about problems.
*- In hindsight, what was the state of the relationship you were cheating on? Were there issues? At the time, what did you think was the state of your relationship? * I was not in a relationship. She had money problems she was hiding from her husband. She has a crazy sex drive (20-30 orgasms per session at least when we got together) and was not getting enough at home and the self imposed stress was driving her a bit nuts in retrospect. I found out that I was not the first one she cheated with that year but I was the only one she came back to. She said I could do things no one else could. It was good for my ego.
I think she also suspected him of cheating. He goes away on lots of trips and has plenty of opportunity. I don’t know him so I can’t judge.
*- Did you love (or think you loved) the person you cheated with? * No. We were and are friends. I try to listen and give advice when I can but it is not physical.
*- How did it end? * I told her it wasn’t worth the risk to her marriage, that I didn’t want to be the cause of it ending and she needed to fix what was wrong. They are still together but everything isn’t fixed yet. I hope it works out.
*- What was the impact on your existing relationship? *Not long after we stopped I met my girlfriend and things are going great.
- Did you confess? Get caught? Never tell? I had nothing to confess to. I doubt she ever will.
- How did you feel about it at the time? How do you feel about it now? Like I said I rationalized it. I was able to go forward because I knew her for a long time but never met him. If I knew him I doubt I could have done anything. I do think basically it was her relationship to ruin or not and the bulk of the responsibility is hers but I did not want to be one of the causes of their break up. Divorce sucks and should be avoided if possible.
- How do you feel about others who cheat? It is not the answer. Either fix your relationship or get out. Its not good for anyone.
*- How many times have you cheated? Do you think you may again? * Never cheated on anyone while I was in a relationship. I do not see myself being the other man again. Hoping my current relationship lasts till I’m too old to care.
- Has anyone ever cheated on you? Not that I know of.
I was always curious as to people who were the “other woman/man”. If you were, did you know the other person was married or living with someone else the first time you slept together? If not, when did you learn?
I ask because I almost got together with someone years ago and not long before we were about to have sex for the first time I caught him in a lie which snowballed into him admitting (through a series of my pointed questions) that he was in a relationship. At that moment, I lost all desire for him and was actively repulsed. I assumed that was the natural response as well.
So I’m wondering how someone is the “other person” if they’re aware of the other person’s non-single status, so to speak.
Oh, I guess I can see how I’m coming across as voyeuristic, but for the record, I’m more interested in hearing about the emotional implications than the details of the sexytime…
- Was it a one-time thing or an ongoing affair? Ongoing for nine months - Why’d you do it? Specifically, why not end the original relationship before pursuing the new one? (Particularly in cases of long-term or repeated affairs) I was unhappy in my existing relationship but felt trapped by her emotional dependance on me (we’d been together 8 years, just bought a house). I couldn’t see an easy way out of the relationship. The affair gave me a release from that feeling
*- In hindsight, what was the state of the relationship you were cheating on? Were there issues? At the time, what did you think was the state of your relationship? *See above - Did you love (or think you loved) the person you cheated with? Yes, but not passionately - How did it end? The affair didn’t end, my old relationship did
*- What was the impact on your existing relationship? *We broke up - Did you confess? Get caught? Never tell? Got caught, awful awful - How did you feel about it at the time? How do you feel about it now? I felt… emotionally fraught for the whole time, on a total rollercoaster. It consumed my every thought, every moment of the day, making me feel miserable 95% of the time and delirious the 5% of the time I was with the Other Woman. I lost 20 pounds in weight. Now? I look back with horror, a churning stomach and waves of guilt to what I did to my SO. - How do you feel about others who cheat? I feel understanding. I’m not judgemental, people have affairs for all sorts of reasons
*- How many times have you cheated? Do you think you may again? * Just that one time and never ever again, it made life hell for all concerned - Has anyone ever cheated on you? My previous ex, but the relationship was in its death throes so I didn’t blame my ex, I felt quite pragmatic and emotionless about it
For the record, I am still with the person I had an affair with, five years later. She’s the total love of my life and I thank my lucky stars she’s mine, but I **hate **the way we got together.
- Was it a one-time thing or an ongoing affair? Lasted about three months. Sexual and emotional.
- Why’d you do it? Specifically, why not end the original relationship before pursuing the new one? (Particularly in cases of long-term or repeated affairs) There was no planning involved. The affair started completely out of the blue. We we were all part of the same circle of friends. I was attracted to her, but then I think most people are occasionally attracted to other people when already in a relationship - it’s par for the course in life and usually wears off - but most people just don’t do anything about it. The first kiss seemed like a force of nature. It wasn’t in my head to kiss her and neither of us seemed to be moving towards it. One minute we were talking, the next we were kissing with a passion I had never experienced before. It felt like we were sort of impelled together simultaneously. From that moment on I was in love with her. But I never stopped loving my girlfriend either. I loved her deeply and for the most part we had a very good life together. One could call it polyamory, I just called it greediness.
*- In hindsight, what was the state of the relationship you were cheating on? Were there issues? At the time, what did you think was the state of your relationship? * It was pretty good, though my girlfriend spent a lot of time taking drugs, which I didn’t enjoy. As a consequence I spent a lot of time hanging out with the other girl as friends - who, incidentally, was also in a relationship, so I was the ‘other man’ as well (I’ve also been the ‘other man’ a few more times since).
- Did you love (or think you loved) the person you cheated with? Yes.
*- How did it end? * She moved away, then after about a year we lost touch. Weirdly when she left I felt almost no pain. Like what happened between us had been the right time in the right place but it ended at the right time too. In the years afterwards though I missed her terribly from time to time.
- What was the impact on your existing relationship? None. We did break up four years later but for totally different reasons.
- Did you confess? Get caught? Never tell? Didn’t tell, didn’t get caught. She once seemed a bit suspicious over a phone call from the other girl after she had moved away, but never mentioned it again.
- How did you feel about it at the time? How do you feel about it now? It felt incredible. And totally right. I did feel guilty, but not enough to outweigh that. I remember being worried from time to time that I might suddenly get Tourette’s and inadvertently blurt out “I’m having an affair” to my girlfriend. Anyway it was nearly twenty years ago and I’ve come to terms with it. That said, I wouldn’t change a thing.
- How do you feel about others who cheat? I am less judgemental than many others on the subject. I understand that sometimes it happens. If it’s emotion-free, it is sometimes inevitable and while it’s obviously a devastating thing for most relationships to cope with, I think it could be potentially forgiveable. If it’s a love affair, it’s a whole different ballpark, and I definitely would expect people to judge me for mine.
- How many times have you cheated? Do you think you may again? Once before when I was much younger and had just moved to uni, and I had a few meaningless sexual encounters with others at the start and end of a couple of relationships in the past. I’m deliriously happy now though and would not do anything like it again.
- Has anyone ever cheated on you? I had my suspicions a few times with the girl I cheated on in the ‘featured’ scenario - though I do wonder if I was projecting my own guilty actions onto her. That said she spent a huge amount of time with her drug buddies, including staying overnight with them. In another relationship it was already doomed and we both cheated on each other in the same week, and broke up soon after. That was, meh. The next time though - here comes the hypocrisy bit - it was one of the most painful things ever. She left me for the guy she cheated with and is still with him four years later. The universe got its karmic revenge on me, not that I believe in karma.
I’ve always known, have never pursued anyone who’s been involved with someone else, and with the exception of the above scenario have only ever responded to being pursued. I’ve always felt that it’s the cheater’s decision.