Dealing with a friend's morals (long)

In My Humble Opinion
1

I have a friend who is having problems with her marriage and asking me for help getting through it and I’m in way over my head, since I have no related experience. So I figured I’d see if I could get some help with how to help her.

Ok some background. I met A 9 years ago through her cousin, whom I was friends with, when she came out to visit him. We have never lived in the same state and don’t see each other except for visiting whenever we were in the neighborhood for another reason. However, we talk on the phone at least once a month, traditionally when one of us was intoxicated.

4 years ago she got married to a guy who is 7 years her senior, who I must admit I’ve never really been a fan of. They met when she was working a summer job, which he had turned into a career. While she was in college, he continued to work the same dead-end job. I’ve never said anything to her because it doesn’t matter she loved him and I never had to be around the guy. Oh, before I forget right before her wedding she came out again and fooled around with one of my friends, who to this day she claims to love, it’s just that she lives in a different state from him and can’t leave her family :rolleyes:.

Fast-forward to the near-present she has been out of college for 2 years now and with her working their finances are finally getting under control and after a pregnancy scare, she realized that she still wants her life to be hers. So now, she goes out with her friends to bars, dinners or whatever, but in doing so, she is experiencing the fun she missed being young and single and wants more. Her husband got his wild side out of the way while she was still in high school and now his idea of a crazy night is playing Xbox until nine and going to bed. He doesn’t understand why she is wasting money going out with her friends while she is married. About 3 months ago, she told him that she was feeling trapped in their marriage and she need space to have fun on her own. She called me up shortly after this discussion, told me what was going on and wanted to come out and visit me to have a “wild” weekend. I told her to come on out. However, I’m worried she will fool around where she can’t be caught. While I think, she should get a divorce I’m not cool with helping her cheat but I want to see her and have a fun weekend.

Anyhow moving on, yesterday she called me up and I’m sure you all can see what is coming but she met a guy she likes more then her husband and they’ve been texting. She tells me that she hasn’t been attracted to her husband in years, he looks like Newman I never understood it, but she really likes being around him. She wants a divorce but she would lose half of her friends and her family in the divorce so she’s not sure what to do.

Ummm . . . ya. Like I said I’m out of my depth I told her that I’m the wrong person to talk to because I worry how he will support her when she achieves her life long goal of being a stay-at-home mom and I think divorce is totally acceptable. I also told her to spend some time away from the bars trying to reconnect with her husband. Anyone either have advice for how I should handle it?

2

My opinion is that your friend’s morals have nothing to do with you. If she wants to cheat instead of dealing with the issues in her marriage, you don’t have to support or enable that, but it’s not up to you to either pass judgment on her or rat her out to her husband or involve yourself in any way.

I would sit my friend down and say something like, “Gee I can really understand where you’re coming from and why you want to act out in the way that you do, but I’m very uncomfortable with someone cheating on their spouse. You can talk to me about it any time you like and I will reserve judgment. I will also not give you any advice. You drive your own trainwreck; I’ve got my own trains to be concerned with. I’m your friend and I will support you, but I will not assist you in any behavior that violates my morals. Don’t lie and say you’re with me because I will not cover for you. I will also not rat you out. I will sit and listen. If you want my advice, then I would suggest professional counseling, both individually and as a couple. Solve your old problems before you create new ones. There. That’s my opinion. Wanna go get a coffee?”

My point is, you shouldn’t spend one minute of your time worrying about how someone else’s husband will support her when she achieves her lifelong goal of being a SAHM. That’s her decision, and her business. Reverse the situation. Do you want your friends judging your behavior and decisions and telling you how you should act?

Whether she does or does not want a divorce, it doesn’t matter to you. You be her friend either way but refrain from commenting on what you think she should do or not do. If she asks, recommend a professional counselor to help her sort her crap out. It’s not your job to be her therapist, or her Jedi master.

3

I think I must be a lot older than the lot of you, because your story reads like something out of a bad soap opera to me. I wouldn’t even know where to start giving advice for the trainwreck that she’s making of her life. Okay, maybe a little advice for her - get out of one boat before you get in another. Quit going from man to man and develop your own damned self. My advice to you, Oredigger, even though you didn’t say you had feelings for her (I think you do), is to leave her alone except to be her friend, unless you really like drama. Take Dogzilla’s advice and lay it out for her.

4

Awww…isn’t this just so sweet?

We have numerous threads about lonely souls seeking “that special One”, and now you see what can happen when you think you have found that person.

Cut to the chase: It’s all bullshit. If you get married in this day and age, you’re a dumbass, unless your SO is someone you have known since childhood. Those are the only types of marriages that work nowadays.

If you meet someone in one of those online dating sites, you can expect maybe, MAYBE 3-5 years of compatability before the wheels come flying off.

What a society we’ve built for ourselves. If it’s any indication, endless threads about people trying to meet people, and establish something meaningful.

Probably won’t happen. You’ll entertain each other for awhile, satisfy each others physical needs, and maybe even some emotional needs as well.

But, it’s all a big fake. Most of you have lost touch with who you are, and you can’t relate to others on any meaningful level. You role-play, and try to convince yourselves that you are happy.

It’s sad. We are so disconnected as a society. And our attempts at re-connection are hollow and pathetic.

5

She should get a divorce before a kid comes into the picture. Hit her as often as necessary until she understands.

6

Personally, I wouldn’t take this as being representative of all or even most marriages. To me this sounds like a classic case of “Girl married too young because it seemed oh so grown-up and mature to be married - especially to an older man! Then a few years later, she actually has grown up enough to realize the full implications of being stuck with that one dude forever”.
An unfortunate situation, but I don’t think it’s a reason to give up hope on marriage as a whole.
At least she realized her starter marriage was a no-go before the kids started coming along. Better luck next time.

7

Anyway, to deal with the OP’s concerns

I commend you for not wanting to get caught up in enabling the cheating.
When she visits, maybe you should try to come up with an excuse to stay in and catch up on old times doing something that doesn’t involve bar-hopping or drinking (since it does sound likely that she would end up looking for someone to cheat with if you guys went out drinking - perhaps even you!).

8

I don’t think morals factor into it. Your friend sounds like an asshole who has decided to play the victim instead of owning up to her mistakes.

The proof of this is in the “I need space” conversation. “I need space” is asshole-speak for “Instead of leaving you like I want, I’m going to screw around behind your back and spend your money for a while and then I’m going to leave you.”

9

You can be honest with her and tell her that you won’t cheerlead or support her cheating behavior, but beyond that, IME, people who dump this type of shit in your lap aren’t looking for answers or even opinions. And if you give her either, she will hold it against you.

One of my best friends began cheating on her newlywed husband…with a co-worker who was also married.

She kind of “tested” the waters with me, i.e., would I cover for her, lie for her, etc…and I made it clear that I wouldn’t. I told her that she’s gonna do whatever she wants, however she wants, and that I can’t stop her and I’ll love her regardless. But I’m not going to be an active participant.

Beyond that, though, all the advice, opinions, etc., would have been wasted, because it was obvious she didn’t really want to know what I thought. She just wanted me to know.

Good people do bad things. Bad people are nice sometimes. There’s no black and white here; if you care about this person, let her know where you’re coming from but do not attempt to solve the problem. That’s up to her.

10

hijack:

Audrey, how did that work out? What did your friend do? How did it change your friendship?

11

First off I want to clarify that I don’t have feelings for A beyond friendship she’s basically the opposite of what I look for in women, but it’s nice to have some one who can give me a bit of female perspective when I’m having trouble.

The idea I like the best and it seemed to be the consensus was to tell her that I’m not going to help her cheat or cover for her. However, at the same time I’ve never talked to her husband when she wasn’t there so the probability of him getting my number from her to call me up is non-existent, so it amounts to the same thing. On the other hand if I can keep her focused on helping me find a girl for the weekend it can solve two problems.

Actually I have no problems with this and frequently go to people to get an outside perspective of course I have no problem telling that that they are wrong and then coming back after it turns out they were right and tell them so again.

Its just too bad that she fears that her family will disown her for getting divorce, then at least she could be in the process of getting one and I could get my single guy friends a piece.

12

You can also recognize that its rude of her to come visit you and leave with some guy in a bar. Its RUDE of her to stay with you (would she be staying with you?) and wander in and out.

So if she comes for the visit, keep it a visit. Meet someplace to go out with your own car (or given the description of your mutual behavior, a cab), arrange for your own way home, and let her arrange her own way to whereever she stays. That will help keep the enabling lines for her bad behavior clear. The decide if you want a friend who ditches you for the first hookup she gets. Personally, I wouldn’t.

13

If you go out and party with her, you’re enabling her behavior. You know what’s right. Definitely do not lie or cover for her. IMO.

14

Get a divorce or stay in the marriage and don’t cheat, those are the only moral options IMO. It is unfair to her husband if she stays in the marriage. Ask hher to ask herself how she would feel if her husband cheated. If she says she would be hurt that is all she needs to know. If she says, “meh” then she needs a divorce and should let him go.

15

Right on, brother! Hey… you gonna drink the rest of that Sterno?

16

Agreed. The OP’s friend would benefit from hearing this.

17

Agreed on all points. Don’t let yourself become Base Camp for her forays up Slut Mountain.

18

Damn thats good. I’m sure I will get anoth call from her after her next weekend foray and I will deffinatly use that.

Honestly I didn’t even consider her heading home with some random guy, I was more thinking to a bathroom stall. But then again I hang out at a bar in a hotel so ther are other options without leaving the premisis. But ya leaving me alone woul be uncool unless I also found someone to occupy my time :D. The consensus seams to be to lay out the ground rules for the vist, basically that I’m not going to help her meet a guy or cover for her if she does and I guess if she goes of look then I can spend my time like I normally do looking for a woman and not worry about what shes up to. Sounds like a plan.

19

Here’s what I see. A college junior gets married to a late 20something year old guy. He seemed older and more interesting but turns out he is kind of a lame loser (lame because all he wants to do is play XBox on Friday night and a loser because he’s 31 in a dead-end job with apparently no professional asperations). Meanwhile, she’s out of college, making a little money and has begun to explore the new and exciting world of going to bars and dinners and whatnot.

I hate to say it, but like I said in a similar thread, he is forcing her to cheat on him. I mean if you are going to date a much younger girl, you either have to be that successful older guy or you need to be fun and exciting so she doesn’t get bored. Basically taking her to bars and restaurants she doesn’t know about.

20

Well no surprise here except for how fast it happened. But her husband just called her up during her lunch break and told her that she hasn’t been committed to their marriage for the last three months and she has to decide tonight whether she wants to stop all of this other stuff and recommit to their marriage or not. Of course, I spent my lunch trying to figure out why my friend was balling into the phone, although it didn’t take much to get the gist. Luckily, the cheating thing never became an issue and it looks like they will, at least, be separated by her trip out here. What is the range between separation and divorce where it is ok to hook your friend up with other people?

However, it looks like I don’t have to be involved anymore thanks for the advice but it looks rather moot. Although I have to say, I’m rather proud of her husband for not being an idiot and thinking this would get better when she told him she needed space. Good eye on Justin_Bailey for that one. I think I’m turning off my phone tonight, Uups.