inspired by the Divorce Etiquette thread, what about the pre-divorce etiquette and the problem of the friend who’s cheating on his wife - what should the circle of friends do, if anything?
Background: a couple we knew went through a bad divorce, triggered by his cheating with a co-worker. Many in the circle of friends had an idea what was going on, particularly those who saw them at a particular party. No-one said anything to the wife, until she discovered it herself.
She said afterwards that she found it hard that her friends had known about it and not told her, but Mrs. Piper and I didn’t say anything because while we had suspicions, we didn’t know anything for sure - and I think that’s what most of the others in our group of friends thought.
First, you need to tell her exactly that. You had suspicions, but no real evidence or proof, and so you felt you couldn’t tell her.
I was once in her place. My boyfriend was cheating on me with one, possibly two other people, and at least one of our mutual friends knew about. Not suspected. Knew. I didn’t find out until I was in the emergency room, diagnosed with an STD and PID.
I consider what that “friend” did a betrayal. You need to tell your friend the circumstances of your suspicions so she understands you didn’t betray her.
After that, it’s a matter of being as classy as you can. Let her know you’re there for her and care about her, but don’t dwell on the cheating or the divorce.
I did a thread on a similar topic a few months ago, but the consensus seemed to be that it depends on your relationship with the wronged spouse. In my circle of friends in grad school there was a guy who cheated on his girlfriend - and everyone knew this for a fact - but no one told his girlfriend, because no one in our circle had a relationship with her beyond that of “friend’s girlfriend” and therefore no one felt it was their business to tell her.
Generally the advice is “keep your nose out of it.” The reason is that chances that she will believe you and thank you for the information are slim.
I don’t always agree you should keep your nose out of, but sometimes I do. I think its one of those things that you need to review all the variables. I was once the wronged spouse, and while I did know or strongly suspected, I wish close friends of mine OR his would have told me he was a jackass to confirm it. Plus, I knew some, but not all - and had I known the extent, I might have dumped him sooner (or avoided marrying him to start with). I had no desire for casual friends of mine or his to tell me anything.
If I had absolute knowledge that a friend was having an affair, I would 100% definitely tell their partner. But that would require actually seeing them in the act.
I had a situation not long ago where a friend of mine was having difficulties with her marriage and was spending a lot of evenings out of the house, at casinos. I asked her what her husband did whilst she was out and she said he was just on the computer and in fact that was part of the reason why she had started going out without him, because he was happy to spend his evenings on the computer. I suggested that she check exactly what he was doing on the computer. Yep, he was having an online affair and planning to elope to another country to be with the other woman.
I felt very sad for her, as it ended up meaning the end of their marriage, but not for one minute did I feel guilty for making the suggestion which ultimately lead to her finding out.
Sandra, if I were that woman, I would have been so glad for your suggestion. You sound like you were a good friend to have during what had to be an awful time for her.
I’m not sure if the scenario I witnessed counts, because the two people in question could not legally be married but they had been together four years and were in the process of planning a huge public wedding ceremony. I did not know that my best friend had cheated on her fiancée until she outright told me that the marriage was off and why. It was a shock, to say the least. I thought my best friend handled it in a remarkably callous way, but I also knew she was dissatisfied with the relationship and with her life and was desperate to turn over a new leaf. I’ve known her since fourth grade and she has always been painfully and brutally honest with everyone. That’s often a strength I admire, but not in the case of, ‘‘Lalala I don’t love you anymore oh hey meet my new girlfriend!’’
We maintained a position of neutrality as much as possible, and they were both incredibly mature about the whole thing when it came to their friendships. One of the first things they decided upon breaking up was that they were going to continue to participate in our own upcoming wedding as planned, and they weren’t going to pressure either of us to take sides. My best friend, after leaving, was deliriously happy and free, but her ex was pretty crushed. She demonstrated true friendship by her commitment to be in our wedding so soon after hers had been canceled, even though we told her we’d totally understand if she didn’t want to be around. We also had to put our foot down because my best friend’s new girlfriend (the one she’d cheated with) wanted to come to our wedding, which we all thought was taking things too far. They are getting married this August.
I was always pretty explicit about my feelings on the matter – my best friend had done a thing I could not condone, and handled the breakup and the aftermath rather badly – we have a close enough relationship that I could tell her that AND tell her ex that without feeling like a traitor. I can say my best friend is a lot happier now that she’s out of the relationship, and in the process we’ve grown a lot closer to her ex. I think things went as amicably as can be expected. We both owe them a huge debt of gratitude for explicitly agreeing not to put us in the middle, and for putting their feelings aside to participate in the most important day of our lives. They really love us and we are so grateful to know it.
Eh? I appreciate it didn’t exactly apply to the OP’s question, but thought it a relevant anecdote.
When she phoned me the next morning to tell me what she’d discovered, I felt awful and told her how sorry I was that my hunch turned out to be right. There was absoutely no delight in being right, as you put it.
As far as a general rule - I don’t have one. It depends on the situation and your relationship with the participants. If it’s someone I don’t really know, I probably wouldn’t say anything. If it’s a close friend with a SO I don’t really know, I probably would. If they’re both good friends, I’d probably bitch out the one and make them 'fess up before I told.
I lost a friend once because I let them know their SO was trying to cheat with me. This wasn’t the first time; other people had reported suspicious behavior and not been believed, but when it happened with me, I felt I had to say something anyway. SO lied and claimed I had been making the moves. Friend believed SO and not me, hence one friendship down the tubes. I certainly didn’t expect it to go that way, or I might have done things differently.
On the other hand, I was cheated on and mutual friends knew for a fact and didn’t say anything. I definitely felt betrayed. There were extenuating circumstances and if said friends had behaved differently after the discovery, things would probably have turned out better for them. As it is, I’m still in the same relationship, but said friends don’t get invited to anything I’m attending, as a rule. (Other mutual friends are aware of the problem, and know that I won’t go if I have to deal with them.)
I would recommend explaining your dilemma, as phouka said, but I’d recommend phrasing it as an apology. Something like “I didn’t know for sure and I didn’t know what to do, so I made the best decision I could at the time. Looking back, that may not have been the right choice, but I didn’t know that then. I’m really sorry that you’ve been hurt by this.” Or something along those lines. I know that would have made a huge difference in how I felt about the no-longer-friends mentioned above.
It depends on the situation I guess, but there are *very * few people for whom I’d feel compelled to get involved. Unless you are very, very close to the wronged party, leave it alone. It’s pretty much a no-win situation. She won’t love you for telling her, and if she finds out on her own, she won’t love you for not telling her. There are very few situations in which I’d suggest that the best idea is to feign ignorance, but this would be one of them.
YM obviously DV, but I don’t see myself ever interfering in anybody else’s marriage like that, no matter how I might want to justify it to myself. The totality of what is going on between another couple would never be available to me and wasn’t to you. If their marriage is bad enough to fly apart, it’ll happen without “help” from a friend. “Butt out” is a simple rule and a good one to live by.
I am very intrigued by this. You consider the actual cheating forgivable, but not your friends’ silence? As you said, there were extenuating circumstances and if you’d rather not get into it, I understand, you’ve just given me something to mull over.
The bottom line is that the betrayed person should always be told.
The funny thing about infidelity is that most people are absolutely clueless on the subject, unless they have been through it.
My wife has cheated on me. I caught her red-handed, in the act. It was (is) the single most devastating thing that has ever happened to me. You people saying “mind your own business” or “keep your nose out of it” aree either current/former cheaters yourselves, or you simply have no idea what you’re talking about.
Cheating on your spouse is one of the most awful things one person can do to another, and it should be outed whenever the opportunity presents itself. The cheater deserves it and it’s the right thing to do.
For the record, I would’ve been eternally grateful to ANYONE who informed me of my wife’s affair before I discovered it on my own.
There are discussion boards dedicated to infidelity. Give 'em a look sometime. You’ll be amazed at the heartache and the damage done to betrayed spouses.
Or we just, ya know, have opinions that are different than yours.
I’ve been cheated on. I can think of approximately three people in the entire world who I would have thanked for imparting that information to me, and then ever been able to be in the presence of again without feeling mortified. I don’t want people I’m not close to in my business.
What about shooting the bearer of bad news? My mom always told me not to get involved in that kind of thing for that reason. It’s never come up, but redtail’s experience doesn’t sound so uncommon.
You know what? I’ve seen enough people get bit in the ass through inserting themselves into a married couple’s drama that even though you may insist you’d have been grateful, I don’t buy it. Further, spouses who cheat very seldom, if ever, do it Just Because They Are Evil. I don’t know what was going on between you and your wife, nor do I want to know. I’m not privy to every detail of my friends’ private lives, nor would I want to be. People may need to know bad news, but they don’t want to know it; being the bearer of bad news isn’t often a reason for being beloved. The expression “don’t shoot the messenger” exists for a reason.
I appreciate it didn’t exactly apply to the OP’s question, but thought it a relevant anecdote.