So, you’d prefer that your spouse’s affair continue, because it’s preferable to being embarrassed?
I guess sloppy seconds and a possible STD, or even an Other Woman pregnant with your husband’s child is OK, as long as you aren’t made to blush.
It may be uncomfortable…it downright sucks ass, but you’re still better of knowing.
If you really were a betrayed spouse, I don’t understand how you could feel any other way.
If you knew anything at all about infidelity, you’d know that there is absolutely NO EXCUSE for cheating. No matter what the circumstances, cheating is not justifiable. You either get divorced first, or you keep your pants on. No exceptions.
I’ve been working as hard as I can to maintain my sanity and rebuild me marriage…I know what I’m talking about when I say I would’ve been grateful for any information before I found out, even from a total stranger.
I’d prefer that other people stay out of my business. Period.
Please don’t tell me what I really am or am not. There are people in the world who feel differently than you do. Seriously. Do try to expand your mind to accommodate the possibility that not everyone who disagrees with you is either a moron or a liar.
Wrap your mind around the idea that although your wife was wrong that doesn’t mean you were right.
I didn’t say “moron or liar”. “Cheater or ignorant” would be more accurate.
Check out some infidelity message boards…there are a couple major ones. They might be eye-opening, and definitely make for some interesting reading.
Right about what? Cheating is NEVER the fault of the betrayed…another “wive’s tale” perpetuated by those who have no clue. The choice to cheat is ALWAYS the choice of the cheater, and it’s always the wrong choice.
Actually I was cheated on, and I do know. But I don’t agree. Sometimes the cheated on spouse doesn’t care to know. And there may be a very small subset of people who s/he will take the information from and believe. People are individuals, and they each react to situations in individual ways. Which is why each situation needs to be evaluated individually. And each conversation - if it needs to occur - needs to be structured based on the circumstances.
Have you considered sticking with those boards? I imagine you’d be far more inclined to find people there who agree with you, and you don’t seem to handle the alternative particularly well.
Yep, it’s the cheater’s choice. No doubt about that. Why does some people make that choice, do you suppose? Just Because They Are Evil?
No. I think people make the choice to cheat because they are cowards.
If you have to sneak around and hump someone else because you’re unwilling to work on your relationship, it’s one hundred percent your fault.
So the relationship needing work is also the cheater’s choice and fault?
No. But going outside your relationship for sex rather than working on it or ending it is.
I’m not sure if you’re being intentionally dense or if you’re looking for someone to say it’s ok to cheat…
Nope. It’s a character flaw within the cheater. It was there before they were even married, and it will always be there unless they really work hard on finding out why the flaw is there, and what they can do to correct it.
The lame “my wife won’t put out” or “I love her but I’m not IN love with her” nonsense is just that…nonsense.
I agree with little*bit…they are also cowards. They don’t have the balls to get divorced first…they’ve gotta have their cake and eat it, too.
I never said it’s okay to cheat. I did, in fact, indicate that it is wrong. My point is that cheaters seldom, if ever, act out of simple malice. Even if the cheating spouse cheated on you out of hatred, that simply moves me to ask why the cheater hates you enough to do something like that to you. Nobody, even insane people, does something for no reason at all.
They do it because they “want some”, and because they don’t think they’ll ever be found out. Like a child, they can’t simply behave because it’s the right thing to do. They misbehave as soon as no adults are looking.
That’s one explanation. Not an accurate or well-thought out one, but it is an explanation. Given that your SO cheated on you, I’m guessing your existing feelings of humilation and hurt won’t permit you to examine any explanations where you are anything but a completely innocent victim.
Wrong. I fully accept 50% of the responsibility for any of the problems our marriage had before the affair. However, no problem justifies cheating.
There really are no other explanations that are valid. There simply is no valid reason to cheat. Stay faithful or get divorced.
Don’t take my word for it. A little Googling and 15 minutes of reading will verify what I am saying.
Cheating is a complex issue with varying factors and reasons. To say there is only one reason that people cheat is incredibly simplistic and, imo, naive.
We also seem to have gone far afield of the original question, which is whether anyone outside of the marriage should make the cheating their business.
No, unless you are absolutely sure it is happening and have photographic proof you should say nothing. Even then you should send a typed letter with the picture and don’t sign it. And send it from a city far away from where you live so the postmark won’t give you away. If you are wrong they will hate you and if you are right you are the one who brought this horrible issue to light and there is a good chance you will pay the consequences for it.
FWIW, no one is saying cheating is the right thing to do, but there are shades of gray in every situation. If a man is cheating on his faithful wife with his secretary that makes him an ass, but what if that secretary is a man and the husband is dealing with bisexual/homosexual feelings he has bottled up all his life? Cheating isn’t right and I will never agree it is the best course of action but it is sometimes understandable. If a woman has a husband who leaves her sexually unfulfilled and has spent the last 10 years in an orgasmless void she should get divorced but I can completely understand why, if after years of trying to fix the problem with her husband and failing, she might feel driven to have an affair.