A friend of mine recently revealed to me that he cheats on his wife. They’ve been married 6-7 years, and apparently he’s been unfaithful the entire time. From what I gather it’s not that he’s had a passionate affair with one other woman; it’s more that he’ll have flings here and there with other women as the opportunities present themselves. His wife does not know, and he’s sure she’d be extremely upset if she found out. However, he justifies it to himself under the philosophy that he loves her but “what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.”
I brought up obvious retorts about the risk of disease, emotional entanglements, and just the general principle that “what someone doesn’t know won’t hurt them” isn’t good enough. A friend - much less a spouse - should have your interests at heart even when no one is looking. He has, however, justified all those matters in his mind, or at least knows himself well enough to know that he’s not going to change in this regard.
He has, however, told me that he’s mulled the idea of asking his wife for a divorce. Which brings me to my question: should I, as his friend, encourage him to get a divorce, since he’s made clear that he’s not going to stop cheating on his wife? I am certainly not going to tell his wife what I know - whether I should or not, I could never bring myself to do that. I could, however, encourage him along the divorce path, since he’s clearly comfortable enough to open up to me and seems to trust my opinion. I think I could influence him more to get a divorce than I could convince him to tell his wife what he’s been up to.
I’m not friends with his wife, but I don’t believe she deserves this treatment, and careful though he may be, if they stay married at some point I feel like it will all come out. The two of them do not have kids. What would you do in my shoes, fellow Dopers?
And if you happen to have a SO of your own, stop hanging out with this guy. Because, if he doesn’t respect HIS wife then he certainly doesn’t respect your SO. And is that the kind of guy you want to be friends with?
He’s cheating on his wife, and you’re trying to work out whether it would be better if he divorced her.
That’s primarily a question for his wife, surely? You’re not prepared to tell his wife what she would need to know in order to make this decision, and I understand that. But not being willing to tell his wife doesn’t entitle you to make substitute judgments for her. If you’re not in a position to tell his wife, you’re also not in a position to advice on whether or not they should divorce.
Grrr! is right. Stay out of this. The only intervention you could be justified in making is to tell his wife and, if you’re not going to do that, do nothing.
And everyone is right in suggesting you should drop this guy.
I’d stay out of it. It’s none of your business. If he asks your advice then be honest, but otherwise nothing good is going to come of getting involved, IMO.
I agree with Martini, except if he brings it up again I’d tell him to drop it, that I don’t want any part of it and that I’m not going to involve myself by giving advice.
Okay, that’s a pretty quick consensus. It’s sad stuff. If I just drop him and don’t recommend anything he’s undoubtedly going to keep cheating, and what then? I guess, optimistically, she’ll never find out and they’ll continue on more or less happily. Or, more likely, she’ll eventually find out the ticking time bomb will explode. Ugh - what lives people lead… But okay - I respect the consensus of the teeming millions. Thanks.
I disagree with the advice of MYOB. You consider this person a friend. He has confided in you. You clearly think that he is in the wrong. You should tell him that. Honest, honorable people, don’t treat other people the way he’s treating his wife. If he’s not going to change his behavior, then you should encourage him to leave his wife or at a minimum to be honest with her.
Yeah, I never get that advice either. It’s especially bad here–he’s told OP about it, so it inherently is OP’s business now. You can’t even argue it’s something he’s not supposed to know about.
Yeah, definitely take it up with him and encourage him to do all this. If not, then you really should tell his wife. It has jack shit to do with controlling other people. It has to do with not helping him with cheating on his wife.
It’s deciding to let the five people be run over by the train because you can’t bring yourself to pull the lever and have it only kill one person. Inaction still counts as action.
This. But I’ll add, if he doesn’t stop cheating, divorce, or tell his wife, you might wish to reconsider your continued friendship. People who are knowingly friends of assholes, have a tendency to be/become assholes themselves…
Any man or woman who cheats on their spouse (and this isnt some type of open relationship) is NOT my friend. I would NOT trust them.
Now they can be an acquaintance whom I will work and do business with and be friendly to. But no way do business or allow them into your personal life.
I lean toward the MYOB camp. But what if you are friends with his wife? What if she came down with a nasty VD? Something that made her infertile. Would that calculus change your view? Does her not being a friend make a difference?
Agree completely. I suspect the friend finally spilled his guts because he knows what he’s doing is wrong. Frankly, divorce is probably the final outcome sooner or later.
What is “MYOB” even supposed to mean here? Rodgers01 was introduced to both the fact if the cheating, and the contemplation of divorce, by the cheater. Who is ostensibly a friend. How is that not his business?