Cheating SO - is it better to know?

Great Debates
1

Inspired by this thread and events in my past…

I think this trends right on the line between GD and MPSIMS (or maybe even IMHO). However, I see this as a very serious ethical issue, and I suggest that ethical issues are, given an agreement as to basic framework, subject to at least some degree of rigorous analysis. Therefore, I’m starting it here.

Given a couple where you are friends with both of them, what is your obligation if you discover one of them is having an affair?

I was in this position two years ago. I was more friendly with the husband than the wife, having known him first… but I had been entertained in their home before, many times, and considered both of them my friends. Quite inadvertantly, I discovered wife was sleeping with someone else, who oddly enough I also knew, although from a completely different circle of friends.

There’s the classic Ann Landers MYOB response… there’s the full-scale invite them all on Jerry Springer and reveal it to the world on national television… and there’s a whole host of middle-ground options.

What is the right one?

  • Rick
2

God, what a tough question. I think you should talk to her - the wife - but I’m not sure what you should say.

3

I’d confront the wife and give her the chance to come clean on her own, but if she doesn’t, then I think, as a friend, you should go to the husband. The reason I think this is because 1) it’s bad enough she’s cheating on him…no one deserves that, and 2) if you figured it out, is it possible that other friends could figure it out? I think it would be less humiliating for him not to be the last one to know.

If I were him, I’d want to be told.

4

I was in your friend’s position – my (now ex-) wife was cheating on me, and yes, if you are truly a friend, don’t let this go on.

Talk to his wife. Tell her: Look, I want you to break it to your husband that you are seeing someone else. If you don’t, I will (by such-and-such a date), and I might not be so gentle.

5

I have some experience with this scenario.

I discovered that the then-fiancee (now ex-wife) of one of my closest friends was cheating on him, and in a very cheap, tawdry way that was completely disrespectful of their relationship.

(I’m not saying there is any other way to cheat; what I’m trying to say, without going into “Springer”-like details, is that it wasn’t like she was in love with someone else as well, and torn between the two.)

I learned that her cheating wasn’t a one-time thing, that it continued throughout their marriage. Again I kept my mouth shut.

There came a point in time that her sleazy nature was creeping into my life, in that she and my S.O. at the time became pals.

After some episodes that made it clear that my then-S.O. was either influenced by or thought like my friend’s wife, I broke up with my S.O., let my friend know what I thought about his then-wife (still not having the heart to go into detail about what I knew), and for awhile, our friendship was done.

About two years later, after learning on his own of one of her episodes of sluttery, this friend came to me, told me what he already knew, and asked me what I knew. I spilled it all to him. They ended up getting divorced; he’s now with a great gal and we’re back to being the best of friends - with a real element of negativity and volatility excised from both of our lives.

My point?

You will have a hard time just whistling past what you know to be going on. It will have an impact on your relationship with both. And a potentially destructive one at that.

You’re top duty as a friend is to see that no one hurts or screws over your friend. To whom are your tightest allegiances here? To the victim? The perpetrator?

You have some soul-searching to do.

6

I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer to this. It all depends on the situation; the people involved, the frequency of the affair/s, the type of relationship the parties involved have, and a host of other factors.

Having been in the same situation described in the OP more than once, I can say that each time I handled it very differently.

It is not knowledge I want to have first of all. If I somehow learn of information like this I feel involved. I have information that if told will ruin a marriage. It is not a place I like to find myself. The times I have been in this situation I have reacted differently due to different factors in each case.

In one case the husband had a one time affair and swore it would never happen again. Regardless if I believed him or not, which I did, I still would not have told his wife about it. I know he loved her and I know he loved his children. I also know that if she found out she would have been devastated. I did not see the point in being the catalyst to ruining a good marriage over something that thirty years from now would be of no consequence. Do I think she would have been better off knowing about her husbands affair? No, I really don’t.

The other time I found out that a friend’s husband, who I was also good friends with, was sleeping around on a regular basis. He was having affairs with multiple women, some of whom where friends with his wife. Sometimes it was a one night stand type of affair, sometimes it was a long term thing. I told his wife. Do I think she is better off knowing. Sure do.

I reasons I did tell and did not tell were not just the frequency and level of emotional involvement in the affairs. I knew that in the second situation the wife would have wanted to know. She was stronger and more emotionally stable than the first situation. The wife in the first situtaion is one of those people who prefer to live in the dark about many things in life and in would have forgiven him and lived with it anyhow. I saw no point in making her live with information that would hurt her terribly and cause a rift in an otherwise good marriage.

If the question in the OP is ethically should you tell if you know about an affair, then my answer is it depends. If you are 17 and you find out your buddy is sleeping with your other buddys girlfriend then yes, tell. If you are dealing with people who have a long marriage behind them and have other factors involved such as children, emotional issues and host of other things then, it depends.

Jawofech

7

I think the health of the person being cheated on should also be taken into consideration. Whether it’s one time or a hundred times, if your spouse/partner is sleeping with someone else, you deserve to know because you should have the right to protect yourself.

8

Are you sure the spouse doesn’t already know, maybe even knows and approves?

9

For me, it would depend on my personal relationship to the people involved. In most cases, though, I suspect I would remain silent unless asked directly about it or otherwise forced on the issue. The main reason I would be unlikely to confront either spouse would be that there might be something going on that I don’t know about, and by confronting someone I might make things that much worse.

Be ready to help your friends, either one of them or both, if they ask for it, but it’s not your place to tell them what their problems are or try to fix them unasked.

10

That is a very good point and is also one of the reasons I told the wife in the second case. Perhaps on that basis alone I should have told the wife in the first case but I am not sure I would have. Whether or not he used protection never came up in the discussion. Truth be told it never occured to me to ask. It probably should have.
Jawofech

11

One factor which has not been mentioned is the reliability of the information. Do you know that an affair is going on, or do you just suspect it? How do you know? Has there been an admission by one of the parties involved?

I would be very cautious about dropping this bombshell into a relationship on less-than-airtight proof.

I have very close friendships with a couple of married women. Someone viewing those friendships from the outside might suspect an affair. There is none. The friendships are strictly platonic.

Please do not charge ahead with revealing this “affair” unless you have solid proof that it is more than gossip.

Having said that:

If I did have solid proof that an affair was going on, I would be inclined to confront the cheater. I don’t think I could stand by and let a close friend be made a fool.

12

There was no reasonable doubt about the affair actually existing. There was… documentary evidence.

  • Rick
13

Most probably depends on the person/situation. I would say there’s no universal truth here . . . except that one.

14

With all the sexually-transmitted diseases out there, it becomes very important to know.

15

A lot of my friends suspected that something was going on, but the only direct confirmation (besides my disappearing condom collection) I ever got was when three of my female friends–all with boyfriends–got to talking about my so-called pal and discovered that he had put the moves on all of them, and to each he had mentioned that he was boinking my woman, apparently as an example of his discretion.

(That arrogant besmirchal of my reputation, incidentally, made me far, far angrier than I would have been had he just been quietly screwing my psycho-slut girlfriend. That’s the sort of shit you launch a thousand ships over. He’s lucky he only got a broken railing and a couple of bruises out of it.)

They told me as soon as they had figured it out, within minutes. Individually, none felt that a mere drunken utterance was good enough evidence for accusation, but together, they felt it was well worth telling to me. I really, really appreciated that, and I’ve tried hard not to punish the messengers. I think I’ve done that pretty well.

Anyway, the reason they told me right then is because they wanted to get it over with before anyone got cold feet, while they were still good and righteous. I’m glad they did.

16

Depends on how close I was to the people involved. If I was a casual acquaintance I would keep my mouth shut. If it was a close friend and I knew without a doubt that her spouse was cheating on her, I’d let her know what was going on, perhaps in an anonymous note. The reason I might choose anonymity is because I wouldn’t want my knowledge to damage our friendship. And face it, some people would deliberately avoid the messenger because of embarrassment. I’d allow her the dignity of telling me in her own way, should she choose to tell me, and I’d feign shock at finding out.

17

If my wife cheated on me, and I found out that one of my friends knew and did not say anything to me, they would no longer be my friend. Tell him.

18

Sooner or later, the wronged spouse will find out. IMHO, sooner is way better than later. The wronged spouse is being put in unnessasary risk. along with the pain of betrayal and the humiliation, there is the health risk to think about.

Not to mention the possibilty the cheating spouse is fooling around with a charming psychopath. Anybody see ‘Fatal Attraction’?

19

Why force your moral ideology on your friends? I’m with Ann, don’t say anything.

Besides, if they are so dumb they can’t tell, tough.

20

A strong ethical basis for revealing what you know seems to be that the cheating partner is putting the cuckholded partner at medical risk, without his knowledge or consent.

This seems very solid to me.

  • Rick