To tell or not to tell...a poll stemming from Bruce_Daddy's thread...

In My Humble Opinion
1

After reading about Bruce_Daddy’s all-too-common situation…a friend is cheating on their SO and asking you to provide an alibi…I’m curious about everyone’s opinion on whether or not to tell the unsuspecting (or maybe not) SO that their lying, cheating, bastard spouse is f*$#ing around on them.

From my personal experience, my ex-husband had a best friend who was cheating on his wife (and they also had a young daughter). My EX-H told me, but wouldn’t tell his BF’s wife. I was only an acquaintance of them both and didn’t feel it was my place to say anything (also, TMI, my EX-H was abusive and if had decided to say something, I might not be typing this thread all these years later…FYI)…but I was FURIOUS at my EX-H for (1) telling me; (2) not telling his BF’s wife; and, (3) continuing to be friend’s with the a**hole.

So the actual question is:

Would you or would you not, tell someone’s SO that their spouse is cheating/has cheated on them, and why would you or would you not tell?

I think most people would agree to not lie FOR the cheater.

Also - in your reply - could you indicate if you are male or female (if your screenname isn’t obviously indicative of one or the other)? I think it would helpful to distinguish between male and female opinion on this matter.

Thanks for your time.

2

In most friendships, I would not tell. Frankly, it is none of my business how they conduct their relationship. She may well know. Cheating is immoral (in some circles), not illegal. Of course, I wouldn’t lie for him (or her) either.

3

Sorry…forgot this part…I’m male.

4

…also, the part about “why you would or would not tell” - - ?

5

Female…yes, I would tell. Why? Because it’s the right thing to do. Whether or not they know, (and they may not) they need to know.

Friends look out for each other, and try to help each other when they get hurt.

6

I think he’s explained why he wouldn’t tell…he feels it’s none of his business, so he’d stay out of it.

I really don’t know if I’d tell or not. It would depend on the situation, I suppose. On one hand, I’d want to know if Dr.J were screwing around on me (and then I’d want his testicles on a silver platter, but that’s a whole 'nother thread), and I’d be mightily pissed off at the person who knew and kept it from me. OTOH, I’ve seen people get lambasted for telling friends things they think they should know.

For instance, a very dear mutual friend of ours was dating a guy that we were on pretty friendly terms with, and this guy told Dr.J a lot of stuff that boded ill for the relationship. Basically, he was manipulating her and was just keeping her around while he got a feel for just how interested someone else was. We both felt that she had a right to know, so she could stay or leave as she saw fit, rather than having a shitstorm hit her out of the blue. So Dr.J told her. She and the boyfriend fought, then worked it out…and she blamed us for all the trouble. It wasn’t the boyfriend’s fault for planning to jump ship, it was our fault for telling her. If we’d just kept our mouths shut, bf would have eschewed this other girl, and she would never have known anything about it.

7

I wish someone would explain that “explanation” to me as well…“it’s not my business”? So many people use that as a rationale. I don’t understand. Does it NOT have an a/e-ffect (?) on your relationship with the cheater/his or her SO, etc.? So does that not in some way make it your business? Help?!

8

First, never directly aid an affair. Don’t make it your business.

Second, never tell the spouse. Remember, it is none of your business.

9

plnnr GAH!?!

10

Wow, I was thinking of starting a thread like this when I read about Bruce_Daddy, too !

I am female.

I prefer to frame this thought as “If my SO was cheating on me, and my friend knew, would I rather s/he told me?”

Answer: it depends on the situation.

I think (and I know I’m in a minority on this one) that cheating once doesn’t necessarily doom the relationship. i.e. If you make a mistake, and feel awful about it, and know that it will never happen again, I don’t think you necessarily should tell your SO. It will (understandably) hurt their trust in you, which will hurt them. And if you know it won’t happen again, then why hurt them?

I know people who have done this and made this decision, and they felt absolutely awful about what happened, but felt that if they told their SO about it, it would make the cheater feel better and make the SO feel much worse, and what would that accomplish? Before you disagree with me too strenuously, please answer that question (what would telling the SO accomplish, in such a situation?).

So what I’m saying is that if my SO makes a grievous error in judgement, and it’s a one-time thing, never to be repeated, and he is tearing himself up about it, no, I’d rather not know about it. He’s suffering already, and I can’t do anything about it, other than dump him on the spot, and that would not be an easy decision for me to make.

Similarly, if a friend was in a similar situation, no I would not tell.

However, CCL’s situation (ongoing cheating/dishonesty etc) is completely different and much more agonizing. I have had friends who have been angry because I haven’t told them awful things about their SO that they ought to have been told, and of course people get angry if you do tell them things like that, so you really can’t win. I think, in the end, if it was someone I really cared about I would tell. If they hate me because of it, well, that’s their problem.

I’ve gone out with people that everyone warned me about, and said “Oh, but he’s different with me,” and they turned out to have been quite right. I’m glad they told me.

11

I’m male, and I would not tell the spouse, unless he/she was a good friend of mine as well (in which case I’d first try to compel the cheating friend to tell him/her themselves.)

To me it has nothing to do with supporting infidelity or whether I myself would want to know if my wife was cheating on me. It’s about my definition of friendship. As a friend, it’s my job to offer advice and perspective when I think a friend is making mistakes. I don’t think it’s my job to use the things they confide in me as a tool with which to punish them and/or compel them to behave how I think is appropriate. However, I also wouldn’t allow my friend’s mistakes to force me to do something I think is wrong, so I wouldn’t lie for them or let them use me as an alibi. I’d keep out of it and hope they took my advice.

Of course, if someone is consistently behaving in a way I find morally repugnant, I’d probably stop being friends with them. But otherwise good people can make mistakes.

12

P.S. It’s my understanding that the OP is asking whether you’d tell if your friend was cheating on his/her spouse, not if your friend was being cheated on by his/her spouse. Big difference. (I’d absolutely tell a friend if I found out his/her spouse was cheating on them.)

13

“Is cheating,” as in a continuing thing: I’d tell without hesitation.

“Cheated,” as in a one time deal: I’d keep mum. I wouldn’t lie if directly asked though.

Male, of course.

14

Female.

Don’t tell. The spouse may be grateful to be told, or may already know and be ignoring it, or may get mad and then reconcile with the husband. You stand a 2/3rds chance of the situation blowing up in your face.

On the other hand, if it does, the guy’s a dick anyway, so no big loss.

15

Not much to add, But I wish someone would have told me when my Ex carried on a two year affair and had a child with another woman. Would have saved me from wasting two years of my life with a cheater. and I am woman

16

No, in the past I haven’t told because it’s not my business and yes, I’ll tell you what I mean.

One of the guys I work with was off sick because he was on a bender and in a very bad way. One of his friends came and asked me where he was and how he was and I said I couldn’t tell him. He understandably got shitty with me because he had been friends with my co-worker for many years. But it wasn’t my business to tell him, if and when the co-worker wanted him to know he’d tell him. It’s never my business to turn whatever information I have to whatever purpose I deem fit.

Two friends of mine have had affairs and both confided in me without me having any idea what was going on. Both had long been married and had kids. I think both were just shy of 40 (popular affair time) and both were kidding themselves that they had met their true soul mate (forgetting the one they had already married). Now I don’t like to be too dogmatic about what is just opinion so I conceded that they may be right but statistically it was more likely that their really truly soul mate was already Mrs Them and not some other guy’s wife.

Now a lot of talking on my part and some thinking and application on their part and the whole thing was nipped in the bud. And these are men who think they are deeply in love. After life got back to normal both guys were extremely thankful for my efforts.

One couple I went away with on holiday, at the height of the affair, and again it wasn’t my business to tell anyone anything. She knew who she was married to better than I did regardless of what I knew. Did I like keeping the secret at the time? No. Did I do the right thing? Well they are still married, the kids are still in a stable home, the husband is a better husband than he was and we are all still friends. I’m pretty sure he never told her afterwards - if he’d asked I’d have said not too, why make her miserable to relieve your own guilt.

As it happens over the years both wives have made comments to me that leave me unsure whether it’s just joking banter or whether they do know what went on. It’s not uncommon for married partners to let an indiscretion slide if the marriage is largely sound. I’ll probably never know.

When I hear the old “she’s entitled to know the truth” argument I’m immediately reminded of the malicuous gossips at work. They all love it when stuff gets back to the source because then they can openly discuss “how terrible it is”. If their argument had any honesty they would be telling people they are too fat, too stupid, or too lazy. I assume that people have some idea what is going on in their lives and are dealing with it how they think best but in any case want me to deal with it when they ask.

17

I just posted in that thread.

I think the presence of a young child in the mix makes a huge difference.

If they were just childless couple I would probably let them go to hell their own ways, although I wouldn’t lie to protect either one.

In the particular case in that thread though, I believe the wife should be told because she very well may be needing to plan for a future of single motherhood.

18

As I suppose my response in the other thread indicated (bad coding and all!), I would tell. The upshot of my reason is that I believe that not telling robs the cheated-on spouse of his or her ability to make his/her OWN decisions about continuing the marriage. While cheating does not necessarily doom a relationship, the relationships that survive them do so because of a joint decision between both spouses to continue. For one to decide that the other one should continue under a false understanding of the relationship is … well, it’s disgusting to me. Immoral, certainly. My role a as a friend would be to try to dissuade the cheater from the behavior and toward honesty. Ih he or she failed in that, I couldn’t be friends with them anyway.

I seriously don’t understand the attitude that the cheating is “between the husband and wife” or “none of my business.” As soon as I’ve been told about it, it’s been made my business. Loaded information like that FORCES choice: action or inaction. I find inaction unconscionable, so I choose to act.

And lastly, for those who think, “she may well know,” (implying her consent), where, then, is the harm of telling her?

19

I can’t say it is that common a situation - I have never encountered it, anyway. I must have boring friends. :wink:

As for providing an alibi, I can’t see any situation in which I would do that.

Telling the SO? I honestly don’t know until I see it in RL - but in my opinion it is a dilemma:

  • someone has told you something highly personal, in confidence. Breaking a confidence is bad, even if what they are doing is morally wrong;

  • on the other hand, the person is cheating on someone else, which is wrong.

It is complicated by the fact that you may know the cheater really well, and not know the SO well or at all. How will they react to the revelation? Will it make things better or worse at this point? I think all of these are factors which would influence my decision.

I am male and married myself.

20

I will not lie for him. If asked by the person they are cheating on I will answer honestly. I would let him know that if I hear from him again that he is still cheating I will blow the whistle.

Anyone who cheats of a spouse is no longer my friend. What kind of a morally bankrupt twerp does this kind of thing? If you want to screw someone else at least have the decency to break it off with your former lover first (unless of course they know about it and don’t object to the situation).