I think one of my friend’s husband is cheating on her. I don’t know for a fact so I don’t mention it. But, I have been thinking a lot about this and wondered if I busted him if I should tell her or just tell him I know or what.
Tell him you know. Give him a week to confess or you will tell her yourself. That’s what I’d want my friend to do for me…although, most people say to mind your own business. Kill the messenger and all…
Wait till you have 100% proof then go to your friend and confess the findings. Afterall woulnd’t you want your friend to tell you?
Are you 100% you do know? If you are not 100%, then MYOB. IMO of course.
Well, she did say she wondered what she’d do if she busted him. I’m not sure telling the spouse is always the best answer. There’s always the possibility that she doesn’t want to know or won’t believe you. I would probably confront the husband first. If he continues to see the girlfriend, I’d go to my friend
Lotsa’ potential downside for you, and almost no upside. If you’re wrong, you cound cause serious problems where none now exist.
I’m just sayin’.
I’d keep quiet, too. I think I may have seen a friend of mine cheating on his wife, but I could have been wrong. There may be things going on that I didn’t know about, and the way I look at it, he’s a big boy. I’m not the marriage police.
Absolutely not.
Been there. Done that.
Trust me you don’t want to go there.
I am really torn on this. I am pretty sure the one friend know but refuses to admit it because then she would have to do something. I think he has cheated on her several times since I have known them and he hasn’t had sex with her in 3 YEARS!!! I am sorry! I wouldn’t put up with that. I don’t want to have sex with someone that doesn’t want me but I will be dammed if I stay married to someone that doesn’t want to have sex with me!
My ex-husband had an affair. I found on my own. If someone told me, I wouldn’t have believed the person. You never want to think your spouse could/would cheat on you. So MYOB. But be there for your friend if it does turn out he’s screwing around.
Just My opinion, of course, but:
First, you say you’re not sure. You could be doing a LOT of damage to a relationship based on “best intentions” with something that you misinterpreted.
Second, even if you ARE sure, it’s not your business. If he really is cheating on her, chances are she already knows, especially if it’s been going on for awhile. You’ve said yourself that she’s willing to pretend not to know. She won’t thank you for forcing her to acknowledge it if she’s doing that. And if she truly does not know, again, it’s not your business.
In any case, what’s between them is between them and it’s nobody else’s business, regardless of how good your intentions are.
This is not about what you want or what you would do or what you whould put up with. If your friend knows her husband is cheating and doesn’t want to act on it, that is her choice. Forcing her hand doesn’t make you her friend. Loving her and supporting her does. My best friend divorced her drunk of a husband after 20 years of excuses and cover-ups for him when she was ready to let go. ALANON helped her seperate herself from her enabling behaviors, face her fears and decide that she deserved more of a life than cleaning up after her ex. You seem to feel she deserves more than a cheating husband. I think she does, too, but we need to wait until she feels she does and until she can move on. Until then, be her friend. It’s hard, but be her friend and love her even if she makes choices you wouldn’t.
I agree. I would never say a word without proof and only then if I thought they would want to know. The one friend I mentioned above would not.
Judging from your comments, sylphishone, your friend doesn’t seem to know - indeed, it seems she doesn’t want to know. Remember; whether you would put up with a lack of sex life or a husband who cheats isn’t the issue.
I’d suggest that you keep your suspicions to yourself. If you simply can’t keep quiet, be prepared for the possibility of losing her friendship & being the target of a lot of anger.
My father cheated on my mother for over 30 years. She preferred not to acknowledge what was happening around her. They had sex maybe 3 or 4 times a year and while we never really discussed it (hard to miss the thumping of the bed when they did) she obviously wasn’t bothered by this enough to make changes in her life.
My mother did extend what I call ‘the ostrich coping mechanism’ to just about everything in her life though. The infidelity was not the worst thing my father ever did that she ignored.
You’re in a tough place here as if you tell her and she doesn’t want to face it then you are the bad guy and may very well lose her friendship - however if she finds out and then discovers you knew and said nothing then she could be equally angry with you. You may want to strike up a conversation about some horrible celebrity marriage or a magazine article on infidelity and work some hypotheticals about how you would feel if you were the injured spouse and see what she says to that. If you say something about how you would hate to be kept in the dark and she wholeheartedly agrees then you might want to fess up. Just make sure you are 100% sure!!!
If you’re reasonably sure, confront him about it. Yes, it may cause stress between you and this couple, but you have to ask yourself if you are really her friend or if you care more about yourself than her. Don’t tell her unless you’re absolutely sure. But if you are, and he refuses to come clean, you must tell her. Who cares if it isn’t any of your business? Friend being injured? Potential for disease? You have no choice. Yes, it may be the end of your friendship if she wants to pretend it isn’t true. But a real friend doesn’t let that stop them.
–Cliffy
Please mind your own business. Avoid her if it helps. Just know this is a lousy situation and run, run away. I have told a friend and been told by a friend and both resulted in loss of friendship. This may be interesting and exciting for you, but it’s shit and misery to the people involved, so let those poor people be!
Okay just to clear things up. I am NOT telling my friend anything. I am not sure anything is happening and it would be ABSOLUTELY out of line to start something.
What I did want to know is how other people would handle the situation.
I think part of the equation is the friend that is the victim. I agree some DO NOT want to have to acknowledge that they know even when it is clear they must certainly know. Others would definitely feel betrayed if you knew and didn’t tell them.
Thanks everyone for your input.
If I really wanted my friend to know but really didn’t want to tell her, I’d send an anonymous letter to her.
JuanitaTech, the only problem I would have with that is that then maybe she wouldn’t know if it was true or what or if someone was just trying to deliberately hurt her. Also it might make her feel worse because then she would wonder how many people knew. She might wonder at the motivation of the letter. Make any sense?