Five years ago, I met this guy and we became really good friends. He’s gay, I’m gay. We had a lot in common, and we both came to the conclusion that we weren’t boyfriend material to each other. Fast forward about 4 months. My friend met another guy and they dated for about 6 months and eventually moved in together. I have become best friends with his boyfriend as well. We always hang out together, go to movies, etc. I truly consider each one to be my best friend.
Well, last Saturday night, I decided to go on a popular website for meeting guys. Don’t judge… This guy sent me a message and included his picture. And you have probably guessed by now, it was my first best friends boyfriend.
If it were anyone else, I’d tell my best friend in a heartbeat, but I’m torn as to what I should do since we are all such good friends. I don’t want to lose either of them as a friend, but I fear I may put the wheels of motion to just that if I proceed with spilling my guts. Or should I contront the cheater? Or should I just leave it alone. I’m 99% sure they do not have a relationship that allows this.
I learned about the husband while working on his computer. I was surprised, interested, and compassionate for my friend. I decided what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas so to speak. I have always made it a point to take information in and not spill the beans. No good can come from it. Most social psychologists I have heard express the thought that the victim usually is aware of the cheating. I believe this is so. It’s not a friend’s job to burst the bubble and make the friend feel victimized again. I believe it is better to be supportive without telling. But that’s just me. There is an adopted child in the picture too that could be affected. We’re all just living as one happy family with our secrets.
If I had a friend being cheated on I would tell him or her, even if it ruined the friendship between me and the other person. I personally would feel guilty if I didn’t say anything, and I know if my wife was cheating on me and somebody knew but didn’t tell me I’d be upset with them.
But that’s just me. I have a strong feeling that the vast majority of posts will tell you to not say anything.
I, too, wish someone had told me, although in my case, the people who knew were best friends with the ex than with me. So their loyalties were with him, not me, despite their opposition to the cheating. On hindsight, they did drop subtle hints, too subtle to be picked up by someone deeply in love. I’m still friends with them, with the slight consolation that they are actually not in the best of times with my ex either.
When he sent the pic I would have asked if his BF minds him seeing other guys.
I think going to the first guy puts you in the middle, a place you don’t want to be. Stick to calling out the one trying to hook up with you and see how he reacts.
I’m assuming he didn’t know who you were, otherwise that’s pretty cheeky. I’ve been known to drop clanging hints in the past. Mostly ignored, some people do want to live in a bubble.
You could use one of those anonymous sites like “just a tip”. Personally, I would like to know if I was being cheated on, but I can understand have a hard time in your position.
I would always act in my best friend’s interests over their boyfriend. But it sounds like both the friend and the boyfriend are equally friendly in the OP, though, so it’s not the same question.
I would advocate that you 1) make sure they’re involved in a monogamous relationship–don’t take this as a given. They may be involved in an open relationship, which they may not advertise, and it may not even be cheating. But if they’re monogamous, then you should 2) write back to the guy through the site and let him know who you are, and you know he’s cheating, and if he doesn’t stop you’re going to tell his boyfriend. Like Spiderman says, everybody gets one. If you find out he cheats again, tell for sure.
Hopefully this will put him on notice to either find a different boyfriend, one who wants an open relationship, or he will at least keep his cheating more discretionary. If he keeps being this stupid about it, he’s going to break his bf’s heart sooner than later. What if he has other single gay friends in the area who know him, and accidentally propositions them like he propositioned you, too? Maybe he’s already got a reputation, but if he doesn’t, he’s going to get one.
I have no idea whether the victim ‘usually’ is aware of the cheating, but some victims have no clue! I sure as shit had no idea! Sometimes you are married to a skilled liar! Sometimes you trust your SO so much that you give them the benefit of the doubt.
I wish someone, anyone, would have told me instead allowing me to be exposed to STDs, risk being made a cuckold, and be made a fool for so long. I did eventually find out anyway.
If I were to find out someone knew and didn’t tell me earlier, I would be pissed!
We’ve had this discussion and I’d probably never tell. This one adds a bit of a dimension, in that presumably you have proof (the e-mail, and his entry into the dating site). With absolute proof, you could tell, but don’t expect it to go well for you. Everyone shoots the messenger.
Would I tell? Yes, I would, if I knew my friend well enough to know that they would prefer me to tell them than not tell them.
But I would be very clear on the facts. You don’t know, for example, that your friend is being cheated on. What you do know is that when you were on a dating website, you recieved a message from someone which included a picture of your friend’s boyfriend. So that is what I would tell my best friend. I would also make it clear to them that I won’t mention it again unless they bring it up.
It would be very easy in my case, because I don’t want to be friends with someone who cheats. I choose my friends by their values and priorities. I have also seen people die of AIDs because of a cheater, so there’s no moral ambiguity for me at all.
So it would be very easy for me to say “Hey, BF, check out the note I just got from your SO! WTF?!? Did you guys break up?”
Question: You know that it’s him, but he doesn’t know that it’s you? How does this site work?
At this point you have to take sides and decide which one is the “better” friend and which one you will help protect. If the better friend is the cheater, you keep his secret. If the better friend is the cheated on, you tell.
I’m sorry you’ve been put in this position, rostfrei - there’s no good response to this. If you tell, you risk being the jerk who broke them up, and if you don’t tell, you’re the jerk who didn’t have his friend’s back (from certain perspectives - I don’t ascribe any jerkhood to you - you’ve done nothing wrong).
Maybe you can respond to the guy who sent you the email and the picture with something like, “Hey, Michael, it’s me, rostfrei. I’m not going to cheat on Peter with you, and you’re both my very good friends, so what should we do about this?”