I know a friend's husband is cheating...what do I do?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Talk about a small world. I live in the Richmond, VA metro area which has about 1 million people…

backstory -

Me, Cathy and Joey were best of friends. Actually Cathy was my high school girlfiend and Joey was my best bud. We all came from f*cked up families so were surrogate family to each other. Long story short Candis and I broke up, Joey became a ne’er-do-well and we all parted ways in about 1991.

Through Facebook Cathy and I reconnected. We found out Joey was in jail and very much alone in the world. We tried to reach out to him, but sadly we have been unable to be much help (but that is another story).

Cathy and I have been talking on Facebook and a few times on the phone trying to coordinate efforts to help Joey. These are our first communications in 18 years so we have done a little catching up as well. She speaks of her husband, Trey, in glowing terms…great dad, great husband, etc. She even invited me and the wife over to dinner, but that never panned out.

Fast forward to work today…

I girl I work with very infrequently emails a guy she has been seeing to schedule a lunch date. She writes “Newcrasher is going to lunch at one, so I can meet you at noon.” Now, I have a common name with an unusual spelling. He notices the spelling in her email and asks about my last name, and knows who I am. He tells her not to mention his name to me. Of course she immediately asks me how I know him, and I tell her.

The man she is seeing is Cathy’s husband. :eek:

She goes on to tell me how unhappy they are and that he has been pursuing her and they have lunch several times a week and he wants more. He is telling her that Cathy and him are about to split and that he is in love with my co-worker. She is waiting for him to leave her before getting more involved. (yeah, I know, sounds like these two losers deserve each other)

My co-worker is not on Faceboook or she would be able to see the recently uploaded pics of the family at the pumpkin patch and at their birthday party for the 8 year old. She would see his statuses such as “my wife is sexy” and the sweet messages back and forth on their walls. Not indicative of the loveless marriage he portrays to her.

So now I have this knowledge that an old friend’s husband is pursuing another woman and telling her his marriage is over. I am torn.

First of all, it is none of my business. They have 2 kids under the age of 8. Maybe he can pull this off and not get caught and that means the kids get to have both parents around for birthdays and holidays. I am a child of divorce and I know how much that would mean to me.

On the other hand, Cathy does deserve to know. I think she would want to know.

So my co-worker told him that she never mentioned my name, but he has to be about to shite his pants. He really thought these were two seperate worlds that would never be connected, and here I am messing that up.

What would you do?

2

Perhaps you could show your co-worker your friend’s Facebook page so she sees that he’s not being honest with her about the status of his marriage.

3

Tell your work friend what he’s up to, and then get out. Remember, this is true: Nothing good has ever come from getting involved in someone else’s marriage.

4

Show her the Facebook page and then bow all the way out.

5

Or sometimes even your own.

6

I did show her the Facebook page, until he blocked it today.

You are right, I am out!

7

Yeah, I think that’s about all you can do without sticking your nose in too far. I love the idea of a friend telling the wife about her cheating spouse instead of her being a chump, but like everyone has said, it just isn’t your business. Marriage Prime Directive, man - MYOB.

8

What perfect timing! You found him out just as he was about to tell Cathy!

You are a smarter man than most to bow out. My guess is you probably didn’t have to do a single thing – he likely would have assumed you said something, anyway, giving himself away.

9

If you were A LOT closer to Cathy than you are, I would definitely say something. (Exactly what, I’m not sure! ;)) But as you describe the situation, I would choose to remain mum.

Would be certain my relationship w/ Cathy didn’t get any closer til I saw some evidence of clear developments in her private problems. Keep it to facebook with an emphasis on your mutual friend until she and her husband straighten out their house.

10

Every woman I have ever known who was seeing a married man got the same story - “I’m going to leave her for you as soon as [whatever].” I told all of them the same thing - he’s a liar. He is lying to his wife, why do you think he is being honest with you?

You are doing the right thing by staying out of it. It’s possible to have a happy marriage in which one of the partners is getting some on the side. It happens all the time.

11

Don’t say a word.

A man and a woman make vows to each other. Everything between them is between them. If he cheats, she may know it. If she cheats, he may decide to look the other way. They may decide all kinds of things between them that they don’t share with even their best friends.

They biz is they biz. Just mind yours.

Peep this; I have a best friend. She is my heart. We have been practically soul mates since we were 12 and 11. She knows that there are nuances to my marriage that no one in the world could realize, outside of me and my husband. Even she wouldn’t tell me nothin’ about what she thinks my husband is or isn’t doing.

Trust me on this one. Mind your biz.

12

I certainly wouldn’t tell Cathy/Candis. I would, however, send an email to Cathy’s husband that said, “Bad form, dude.”

And then I’d let the matter lie.

13

Ugh. I’m always torn on situations like this.

On the one hand, it’s their business, and yes, she may know and choose to look the other way. Or she may not believe you, and suspect (especially since you dated long ago) that you have ulterior motives.

But on the other hand, if I were the OP, I’d live in terror of her eventually finding out not only that he cheated, but also that I knew and didn’t say anything. And I’d feel like crap knowing she was (possibly) being hurt and I just stood by.

One of my good friends, A, recently got divorced. Her husband, B, basically told her out of the blue that things weren’t working. A then found out that B had been cheating on her, and that mutual friends (who A and B had met at the same time they met each other) had been hanging out with B and his girlfriend, and one of them actually gave him dating tips. So A not only lost B, she also lost the friends who condoned the cheating. It’s worth noting that some of the friends *did *speak up. They basically said, “B, if you’re not happy in your marriage, then work it out or get divorced, but you can’t treat A this way.” Then, they stopped hanging out with B. A is still friends with those people. She doesn’t blame them for not telling her, because they at least tried to do the right thing.

I’d say there are two things that can be done in such a situation (though only one is possible in this case) that still allow the OP to essentially keep out of it, without presuming to know what kind of arrangement they have.

  1. As some of the friends did to B, tell the cheater that cheating isn’t acceptable. This isn’t possible in this case, since OP doesn’t know the husband, and it’s also pointless, since it’s clear that the husband knows (or assumes) this is what the OP thinks, anyway.

  2. Tell the wife what happened without saying that it’s cheating. “Hey, Cathy! I had a total small-world moment the other day at work. I work with this one woman on occasion, and she was meeting someone for lunch, who turned out to be… Trey! Isn’t that funny?”

Then, it’s up to Cathy to decide what to do with that. If she knows and is looking the other way, or if they have an open marriage, or whatever, she can simply respond, “Huh! What a coincidence!” No harm done. If it seems suspicious to her, or contradicts something he told her, she can ask him about it. And if she really has no clue, it may not do any good, but it can’t hurt.

Bottom line, I think this is true, but only if the other partner condones it. If I am of the opinion that everyone cheats, and I’d rather not know, then fine, my spouse can cheat. But they can’t assume that’s my opinion.

You might argue that if the cheated-on spouse never finds out, then there’s no harm done. But for me, the harm is not necessarily in wanting sex with someone else. It’s the lying about it. I want to know who I’m really married to. I might be fine with an open marriage, but I won’t put up with being lied to.

14

I don’t get all this boo-hoo shit about how you shouldn’t tell the other person because they might take it out on you, etc etc. You have an opportunity here to find out more about this person’s character, and about your own. You approach her honestly, explain the situation, and then see what happens.

If she doesn’t beleive you and flips her shit right out, then you know she wasn’t entirely rational to begin with, and you didn’t lose much of a friendship.

If she not only beleives you but knows it happens and knows her husband lies to other women to get them into bed, then her behavior is also appalling…though in this case the other women get a little bit of what they deserve for dating a married man in the first place.

Also, your friend at work needs a kick in the crotch, too.

15

Also, herpes.

16

It is generally my experience that nothing good, ever, ever, ever, comes out of telling a friend knowledge of cheating. Ever. The party of the first part, the “teller”, always gets the shaft in such a situation, and always ends up being the target of much misplaced resentment later on, no matter how it all plays out. It is a hard and fast rule with me now, after some hard learned experience, to maintain a vague and polite distance with all parties and basically remove yourself from the situation as much as possible, including cooling all friendships until the ultimate “showdown” (however it plays out) occurs.

However, in the interest of fairness, there was a thread here about this exact topic a few months ago, and several people recounted their experiences as an “in the dark” spouse who swore up and down that they would never, ever hold it against the “teller” friend; that they in fact needed said friend most at that period of their lives, that the far greater offense was not being told, and in fact in the long run, resented and dumped the non-telling friend for keeping such vital knowledge from them. [I realize that this situation has a slightly different angle re. the players, but I think the principle is still the same]. I believe the majority in that thread favored spilling it to one degree or another, and it surprised me at the time.

Nonetheless, I remain unconvinced that anything good comes of getting involved to any degree, except to be supportive after the shit hits the fan.

17

While it’s sort of true that this is none of your business the fact of the matter is that the douchebag husband is spilling his lies all over the lives of you and the co-worker. And the co-worker is knowingly cheating and dragging you into it. I would say you owe nothing to anyone except maybe your friend (Cathy) and she probably would want to know, wouldn’t you? You certainly don’t owe it to either of the cheaters to help cover up. What are you going to do when she says “I think my husband is cheating on me?”

I say you just tell Cathy you can’t be friends anymore because you aren’t comfortable interacting with her and her husband’s girlfriend both and you have to work with the girlfriend.

18

I think people need to learn the difference between “friends” and “people you know”.

I have two friends of the sort **Nzinga **described. One of them I’d tell. She’d want me to. The other one I wouldn’t, because she would not welcome my input. I know them each well enough to know this.

Anyone you’re not close enough to to know whether or not s/he’ll appreciate your “help” isn’t a friend. S/He’s a person you know, and it’s not your job to have his back. Stay out of it for sure.

19

You showed her the facebook page with him being all sweet on Cathy? What did she say?

20

There is no good answer to these situations, they just suck.

I’ve been in a situation where the cheatee didn’t believe the person who tried to let her know what was happening, and it ended the friendship.

I’ve also been involved in a situation where the friends decided to “MYOB”. When the cheatee found out they’d known what was happening, that ended the friendship.

My best suggestion (only kinda joking) - grieve the coworker into calling the wife without mentioning you. After letting the guy sweat it for a while, to see if he’ll crack on his own.

I’d say it depends on how close you are with Cathy, and how willing you are to risk that friendship. From what you’ve said, I’d say you could plead ignorance and leave it lie.