That cheating little bitch!

The BBQ Pit
1

Yesterday I was with a bunch of friends at the movie theatre/mall because our friend came down to visit from New York. The point of the whole damn expedition was to spend time with our friend, whom we hadn’t seen in quite some time. We were all really close.

She’s also in this long-distance relationship with another one of my friends, who lives here in Miami. He is out of town at the moment, and doesn’t come back until she leaves. So they don’t get to see each other during her vacation here in Miami.

Originally, it was only our close circle of friends that was going to come out with us yesterday. Instead, without asking any of us, she went and invited this really good friend of hers, who just happens to be another guy that none of us know. SHE hasn’t even known him for all that long either.

So, once we all got there, she leaves me and some other people to go off and see a movie with this guy and another girl because we didn’t want to see a movie at the time.
A few hours later they find us hanging out in the bookstore. She and this guy walk in with their arms friggin around each other! The other girl she was with comes and tells us that she hooked up with that guy while they were in the movie theater. SHE HAS A DAMN BOYFRIEND!

Now the whole group of friends is in this god-awful position of whether or not to tell her boyfriend about it. At the moment I don’t know if she is going to break up with him or not when he comes back from his trip, but knowing her, I’m not too positive she will. Almost ALL of my respect for her was lost last night. If she was going to cheat on him, she should have done it alone, not to mention NOT with her boyfriend’s friends!

Now people, help me out. If you were in the boyfriend’s position, had no idea what happened, and the girl failed to inform you OR end the relationship, would you rather be told about it or not? At the moment, most of us are opting for just trying to get her to either tell him about it, or break up with him.

Ideas? Opinions? Anything?

2

AH! Many apologies! I meant to post that in the the Pit.! Sorry Mods, can you move it? Bad, me…Bad!

::hangs head in shame and walks away::

3

E-mail a mod and they’ll shift it. My advice Juliet is to keep quiet about the whole thing. Sounds horrible, I know, but having been in similar situations I can speak from experience that all it does is piss people off and, in general, has the opposite effect of the one you intended.

Besides, her and her boyfriend might have an “agreement” that this sort of thing is okay.

4

That depends. If the topic should come up in coversation, don’t lie. Be honest about what you saw. If he doesnt’ care, you’ve done your job. If he does, well, honesty is a better policy.

5

Tell, if she doesn’t do so herself. If she’s that obvious about it, she has no reasonable expectation of keeping it quiet.

6

Have you gotten her side of the story yet? How deep is this long-distance relationship? I mean, not that I condone cheating: she’ll get whatever kind of mess is coming to her if she’s really cheating on her boyfriend, but get her side of the story on the relationship with Boyfriend from her.

Have you brought up the point that someone (not necessarily yourself) will eventually tell Boyfriend, especially since she’s fooling with one of his supposed friends?

You may want to tell her your opinion on her cheating too? Sometimes people don’t realize how much they lose in other people’s eyes when they do crap like this.

As far as telling the Boyfriend, how well do you know him? If he’s an excellent friend, then tell him. I know I’d want to know.

7

My heart sunk when I saw the title of this thread and the OPer. Lady Juliet, you are a cool chick and when I saw the title I thought “Oh no. Now I’m going to have to fly to wherever the hell she lives (Miami!) and help kick someone’s ass.”

Well, BunnyGirl made some good points. Here’s my take on things…

I would be tempted to tell The Boyfriend for the following reasons:

 1. I am very good friends with Boyfriend, and know that if the same happened to me, he would tell me.

 2. I know that by not telling Boyfriend, when/if he finds out the truth, he will be furious with me. (I'd want to know!)

Personally, I would urge the infamous She to break up with The Boyfriend. If she’s cheating on her vacation with one of his friends, whose to say she’s not cheating at home?
Plus by randomly inviting this guy she cheated with suggests that’s what she had in mind. Premeditated cheating should be punishable by something severe and involving lopping off of limbs, don’t you think? Tell her to fess up to Boyfriend. Everyone deserves the right to know whether they’re being screwed around upon or not.

8

No. You don’t know her situation. She may want to end it with her boyfriend but for various reasons doesn’t feel that she can do it right now, with the inevitable result of feeling like she’s going through the wringer. Or maybe as far as she (and he) is concerned, the relationship with old boyfriend IS over, it just hasn’t been formally shot through the head. Or maybe she is just cheating on him - it still is neither your responsibility nor duty to put yourself between them.

Circumstances are complicated. People are complicated. Unless you know both of them a LOT better than your OP indicated (i.e. you see eachother every day, she uses you as a confessor, she’d never do anything without telling you) this simply isn’t your fight.

pan

9

Let the boyfriend know. This just happened to me earlier in the week. Its better to know, so one can make more well informed decisions later when the time comes. My girlfriend’s freind told me about what happened, and I felt better, not that she cheated on me, but that her friend told me. Then again, we’re all different. I know he’d appreciate the info though.

10

This is a tough call. I think you’re in a lose/lose situation. If you tell this girl’s boyfriend you run the risk of losing her friendship. If you don’t tell him, you run the risk of losing his friendship.

There’s nothing more humiliating and infuriating than to find out that your SO has been cheating on you and your friends knew about it and failed to tell you. He really does deserve to know that she spent time with this other guy but she should be the one to tell him. Try talking to her and maybe find out what happened between her and this other guy. Tell her she needs to do the right thing and either break up with her boyfriend or tell him what happened. Tell her that it’s too big of a secret for you to keep and he deserves to know… if she doesn’t tell him, you will.

11

I think the boyfriend needs to know. If you are around him a lot, he will probably notice that something is wrong because you’ll pity him. This girl sure does sound like a cheating little bitch.

My friend’s boyfriend is away at boot camp or something, and she has been hanging out with guys a lot. Her letter to her boyfriend, which said, “I went to the fireworks with Dustin,” was returned to her by her boyfriend. He wrote on it: “Why did you go just with Dustin? Can’t you wait for a guy?” I guess he was really upset, and she wasn’t even fooling around, as far as I know.

I don’t know about trying to convince her to break up with him. She’s being the bitch, she deserves to be dumped. I say tell the boyfriend so that he can decide if he wants to confront her about it or dump her or shudder keep going out with her.

12

No. I strongly disagree. The advice you get about relationships from a messageboard is just about worth the paper it is written on. Relationships are complicated and delicate things.

Your friend may just be looking for support at the moment. This new guy may be The One for her. People do sometimes meet their ideal partner under less than ideal conditions - maybe she’s waiting for the right time to break up with her old boyfriend.

There are too many possible scenarios. We don’t know how well you know either friend. And you don’t know the details of their relationship. At the very least you need to have dialogue with your female friend to find out what her intentions are.

Don’t just rush out there and blab to the boyfriend. You’ll regret it.

pan

13

It’s still cheating if you do it alone? :eek:

Well, if she’s planning on breaking up with him anyway, what’s wrong with him knowing? And why should she get to decide when he finds out? If she’s already decided that she’s not going to continue the relationship, she has no business dating him. She doesn’t have the right to keep stringing him along just because she hasn’t found a convenient time to tell him.

Uncertainty as to what’s happening does not translate to uncertainty as to what she should do. The boyfriend does know the details of the relationship, and he should be told so that he can make an informed decision. Her ignorance refarding the relationship is irrelevant; we are not discussing whether she should tell the boyfriend to break up or anything else regarding the relationship itself. What we are discussing is whether she should tell him about what she saw, and she certainly does know what she saw.

Agreed.

14

Well, many thanks to all of you for the advice. Tonight we are all going out again, and I plan on talking to Her about it, finding out what She is going to do with the current Boyfriend, and all that good stuff.

krabbes, thanks for your POV. I’m pretty sure that guy isn’t The One, though. He’s an asshole. The next day, he went out and told another one of my friends that he had gone…um…farther with her than he actually did. Now you can bet on Her finding out what he said, because cheater or not, this girl is still sort of my friend. So, basically the girl sort of screwed herself over because now she isn’t going to have a new boyfriend, unless she’ll put up with what he said. And she isn’t going to have an old Boyfriend because I doubt that he’ll still go out with her after cheating on him. I shall find out soon enough though. Thanks again.

Searching, (sorry I’m too lazy to write the whole thing), any time I need a posse to come get my back here in Miami, I’ll call you :wink: You can help me kick some ass whenever you want!

BunnyGirl Thanks. Excellent Advice. I’m pretty sure that whatever happens, I don’t think I will be the first one to tell him, if I do end up doing that, because I know for a fact that Boyfriend’s best friend (who was there at the time), is definately going to share this tidbit of information with him. So I’m pretty sure he will find out, but it will probably be after She breaks up with Boyfriend (if she does).

Thanks again to everyone else, too!

15

Oops, I forgot to preview. Sorry about your name kabbes! :frowning:

16

I was in a situation a few years ago where I was engaged to “Mr.K” Well, Mr. K cheated on me with a couple of my coworkers (not at the same time) and everyone in my workplace knew about it except me. I didn’t find out until we had broken up about a year later. I felt like an absolute fool. Even though they were coworkers they were also my friends outside of work (and his too, obviously!) and it made me think back to almost every time they had looked me in the eyes and basically lied to me about what was going on - well, that’s a stunning exaggeration, but you get my drift.
I would have rather know when it happened than look like an idiot that was being played around on with no clue.
Just my thoughts on it.

17

My thoughts…

First, you said you are friends with both of them. That implies you have some responsibility to both of them, because they are important to you. If you were mostly friends with one or the other, that might influence your decision, but without further info, the best I can do is assume (from they way you said it) that you’re fairly equal in friendship to each.

Regarding the girl - it seems suspicious that she invited someone none of the rest of the group knew along for an outing that was intended to be old friends, and then went on to “hook up” with him. I’m not saying it was intentional, but it certainly has that appearance. So problem one is she “hooked up” with a new guy while supposedly dating another. Problem two is it appears to have been premeditated. Problem 3 is that the relationship itself is long distance, which implies plenty of opportunity for cheating, and is a strain to maintain anyway. I think if you do consider this person a friend, you should have a talk to find out what was up. Specifically, you do need to inform her how it looked and what that made you think of her. But do be willing to listen to her feelings and reasons. They don’t excuse cheating, but do mitigate it. You do need to try to convince her to tell the boyfriend herself. But more importantly, you need her to look at why she did it. Is this something that was coming on? The long distance too hard to keep up? If there’s something larger going on, that needs to be addressed. Was it a one-time accident that really didn’t go anywhere, just he made her feel good? That needs to be understood by her.

Okay, now the guy. If he’s your friend, someone needs to tell him. If you know another friend will tell him, it could be okay to let that person do it. Especially if you tell that person to say something, and use your name as another witness. (You know, the rest of you discussing this decide who wants to tell and do so together.) However, be aware he may get mad at you for telling him. Shoot the messenger time and all. Sensible people will realize that’s not right, but when emotions are involved sometimes sense isn’t. Anyway, tell him what you saw. If he asks, you can speculate on what you didn’t see, but doing so is probably not good. If he asks advice, that’s where you really get in the kimshi.

Best bet - discussion with her convinces her to tell him, and then you mention it at some point too.

And it’s not guaranteed not to make someone mad at you. But on the receiving end, I’d like to know.

18

So what happened? I’m curious to know how everything went the other night.

19

::sigh:: I’m at a complete loss of what to do. She lied to me. I asked her if anything happened, and she denied everything, even though I had a friend in the movies with her when everything happened. So I know for a fact that something went on. But now she won’t even admit it! In fact, her exact words were “Whitney, you can trust me! Nothing happened!”

Now I can’t trust her.

And she doesn’t plan on breaking up with her boyfriend. Or telling him about it for that matter. She isn’t seeing the new guy anymore though. He was a major asshole.

I’ll tell you guys what happens when the Boyfriend gets back from vacation.

20

Sorry for the hijack, but this made me giggle. Too lazy to type “for truth” but not too lazy to type “sorry I’m too lazy to write the whole thing” lol!

Anyway, I say talk to her and say that unless she tells him, you will. If he finds out later that you knew and didn’t tell him, you risk losing his friendship and hurting him quite a bit.