This sort of confuses me. Are you suggesting that he will target the OP’s SO and the SO will be somehow powerless to refuse?
How is something not your business if the person who’s business it is explicitly tells you about it and asks you for advice? How does something get more ‘your business’ than someone asking you to comment on it? I’d tell the ‘friend’ he’s doing bad stuff and should stop cheating and let the wife he’s been cheating on go, then stop hanging around with him because he’s untrustworthy.
Stay out of it, but encourage your friend to make changes, namely stop cheating or get a divorce.
Strongly encourage your friend to divorce. This is not a one time thing and isn’t going to stop. Your friend has a huge moral failing and will continue this toxic behavior. The wife will eventually find out and have to deal with the consequences. He is stealing years away from her life that she could instead be happy with someone else who is faithful. If he cares at all about her, he should divorce her. What he is doing to to her with his serial cheating is unforgivable.
I don’t think they should attempt recovery. This moral failing in him will likely never be cured. Any sort of recovery will be long and hard and likely not successful. Don’t let him waste her life married to a cheat.
There is a difference between offering an opinion and getting involved by taking action.
My sister has a best friend, who she has been friends with from grade school, her friend is married and has been having affairs since she got married, I am friendly with the husband, and we go on fishing trips with our local club, it is not my sisters or my business to say anything, Let sleeping dogs lie!
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Don’t tell his wife he is cheating. Many men do this.
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If he asks, give him your opinion on if he should get divorced or not. If he does not ask, don’t volunteer advice one way or the other.
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Other than that, don’t discuss it unless he brings it up. Accept him as he is (don’t be judgmental), and have fun with him - do things as you normally would.
A friend is someone who knows all about you and still likes you. You will find people have all sorts of secrets like this - that they will become closer friends and open up to you if you do not judge them - accept them good and bad.
The downside of this approach is that you wind up being held accountable for the advice you give. If you encourage the friend to make a clean break, there’s a very real risk that the wife will (probably irrationally, but still) blame you for the divorce. Because it’s your idea.
Advice is never really free. It comes with consequences and blowback.
Possibly. I’ve seen miracles, but I don’t count on them, especially when the cheater is apparently proud of it and completely unrepentant.
If I were in OP’s place, I’d be looking for a good place to take cover, because when the balloon goes up everyone within a huge radius is going to get hit. I certainly wouldn’t want my fingerprints on any of it. And I’d find a way to distance myself from this friend, at least in terms of making sure I have him around no closer than the degree to which I can trust him: which is practically not at all.
Great! I would feel perfectly fine if my advice broke up the marriage even if it meant losing this immoral “friend”. I feel awful for the wife because of the deceptive relationship she’s in. I would much rather she found out now and got on with her life rather than waste decades with this loser.
I can’t see how I would continue to be friends with this type of person anyway. I view cheating as one of the worst moral failings since it’s such a betrayal and violation of trust against someone who loves you. I would try to help my friend change his ways, but if he didn’t want to change I would be disgusted by him and not want to have anything to do with him.
It’s called “cheating” for a reason.
You are (granted, through no fault of your own) now involved. If you do nothing, it’s still a decision you’ve made involving their relationship.
He’s already proven himself to be untrustworthy and capable of lies that have the potential of ruining the lives of others. Could it be that it’s only a matter of time before he uses you as an unwitting confederate in his web of deceit?
Encourage him to come clean and do what’s right. And, regardless… she deserves to know.
There should be TWO divorces in this situation, him from his wife, and him as your friend.
IMO cheating on a spouse is the worst thing you can do to someone, especially if the wife is still in love with/devoted to him.
It is absolutely your place to mention that he get a divorce, which you should do. All the time. Like, every time you see him. When you see him ask “How’s your sham of a marriage going?” When you go bowling, put his name as “cheater”. When he mentions his wife you should say “Who? I’m sorry you need to be more specific, is this the person you’re fucking or the one you pretend doesn’t exist when you’re fucking?”
If you can’t expose their laundry to the world, and on a public message board, why post?
Because, well, this IS evidence that can be presented in court.
Didn’t you know that?
Or is “that” the kind of friend you’d want to be…?
I say MYOB, too, but I don’t think that excludes telling him what you think. What it does exclude is telling his wife what’s going on. He’s probably telling you to ease his conscious and get some validation. Make it clear that he isn’t getting it.
One thing you should also tell your friend is that you won’t lie or cover for him in any way. You don’t need to offer up the information unprompted, but let him know you won’t be part of this deception in any way. Tell him that if someone asks you if he’s having an affair, tell him you’ll tell them yes. If you cover or are evasive about this to your friends, relatives, or SO, then when it comes out you will be viewed as an accomplice and people will view you as immoral as well.
All this MYOB advice is just cowardice. It assumes the wife is just a thing, an accessory to the husband, not a person in her own right, who deserves to know. “She probably knows”. And maybe she doesn’t.
What if your are equally friends with both of them? Why are you showing favoritism to the husband?
Not telling the wife is just being afraid of the blowback. “Oooh, she might blame me!” Well, dudes, you’re already knee deep in the shit by aiding the deception. What do you think she’ll say when she found out you knew and never told her? Think she’ll like you then?
If you want to lose your soul but keep the friendship, have at it. Just don’t pretend you’re innocent.
#WellActually,
While I agree with the general tone of your post, my pedant gland is acting up today, and I feel compelled to point out that the OP does make it clear that he is not, in fact, equally friends with both of them.
Tell him that - in your opinion - he should get divorced before there are children involved.
Then distance yourself.
Fair, 'dat.
The pedant gland is always the most active gland.
Of course not. It’s kind of like if some one told me: “I think all women are evil bitches”, well, guess what? Any guy who thinks my SO is an evil bitch is no friend of mine.
I’m being very specific here, because I happen to have a friend who cheats on his wife. And, the thing is, I have zero sympathy for her or any of his previous GFs he’s cheated on. Because, all of them, and I mean ALL OF THEM, knew he was a serial cheater. I myself, flat out told his current wife before they got serious, he WILL cheat on you. All of her friends told her the same thing: “he WILL cheat on you.” She herself, hooked up with him while he was still with another woman. She still chose to be with him.
Can’t muster up much sympathy for her, or any of the other women he’s done that to, because they all knew of his reputation.
So whenever I myself am in a relationship, I cut off ties with him because the women I get involved with tend to think his behavior is so abhorrent they wonder why the fuck am I friends with such an asshole. So out of respect, I just stay away.
This is horrible advice, I don’t want toxic friends in my life. If he’s willing to lie to his wife, who he’s extremely close to, on something that’s obviously going to be so important to her for his personal gain, why should I trust anything he says to me, someone more distant? Why should I expect him not to steal stuff from my house if he’s hanging around inside while I’m outside cooking, or to follow through on a deal, or to keep his hands to himself if a friend tells him she’s not interested? He’s already demonstrated that he’ll break trust with people to further his own fun.
Being non-judgemental is a good way to end up hurt, robbed, raped, or killed in the real world.