I was in a situation very much like this except he never said his marriage was failing, just that he wanted me more but couldn’t leave his kids and family business.
We ended all contact, which sucked completely and totally, as much as any breakup ever has for me.
But now, I have my life back. I can sleep at night again, and even tho I think I am still in love with him, I know nothing can come of it in this lifetime, so he’s not part of my life any more in any way. I know we’re all better off this way, particularly his wife and kids, who I’ve never met but who I know deserve better than a cheater.
Just to repeat what most have said, move on, there are a lot of women in the world. It will hurt for a while, but then it won’t hurt anymore, and in a couple of years you’ll be giving silent thanks for getting yourself out of this no-win situation.
Yeah, he’s (the husband) been present. But like I said, they in no way interact with each other. When it’s her and “the guy” there, her husband is like…downstairs on the computer or sleeping or something. THEY NEVER TALK. She literally has a bedroom downstairs and his is upstairs.
Things are not heated or anything when the husband does happen to be around her and “the guy”, because “the guy” is friends with the husband as well, so he knows how to keep his feelings cool in front of the husband (obviously she does as well). So, while I’m sure the husband’s not stupid, either he doesn’t care his wife is so friendly with another man or completely trusts that his wife won’t do anything.
You know, the man is as much a volunteer in this relationship as the woman. We seem to be talking about more than a short term infatuation. As much as everyone loves to deny it, when you are a part of a loosing relationship for this long, it means you are getting something out of it that you want. If you wanted reciprocal, and stable, you would have dropped by once or twice a year, maybe.
Blaming it all on the Psycho Bitch is great for the self soothe. Getting hurt by women who don’t love you is pretty much predictable, if you keep on working on it. Self destructive, with no privileges. And the added bonus, you may have a psycho husband waiting to join in! How cool will that be?
Sorry, just not feeling any sympathy for anyone here but the kids. They are pretty well fucked, at this point.
Yeah, it’s not a sympathetic hunt type of thread. Just looking for advice, plain and simple. Like I say, nothing sexual has happened, not even a single kiss, well, not an inappropriate one anyways. Just two people who really dig each other, one happens to be stuck and one happens to want out, but it’s just a little too tough it seems.
No, I honestly think one DOES want out, I really, really do. But like I said prior, actually being in a situation blinds some people and they lie to themselves over and over to make everything seem ok, so they stick around.
The “guy” is the only thing that is allowing her marriage to work, and is the reason she is staying in it.
Basically, if you have a relationship that’s missing something, and someone comes along on the side and provides what’s missing, it means you can stay in the crappy relationship. This is the number one “nice guy” mistake–actually enabling the disfunctional relationship that they are trying to compete with.
If the guy cuts himself out of her life, within a year she will either be divorced or will have found another quasi-platonic relationship to fill the gaps in her life.
I’d like to think that I’d hit it like a gypsy bangin’ a tambourine, then marry her once the hubby found out, but that’s probably not what I’d do at all. I’d probably wander morosely off down the road and fantasize about her for a long time before finding a new girlfriend.
Ditto to the bolded part, but I see no point in getting angry NOW, after the guy has stuck around and taken this “I can’t leave my spouse” b.s. for years. (For the record, men use the same line to lead women on for years also.)
The guy should get a clue, and tell her that he doesn’t want to hear from her again. This relationship is pointless, one-sided, and going nowhere.
Gah. Me too. Married Guy and I worked together, so I had to see him everyday. I think I spent 2 to 3 years of my life in tears **every day ** over ‘what could never be.’ Lots happened that would be entirely too difficult to explain here, but anyways, it’s over now, for about 3 years and I, too, feel like I have my life back. It took me awhile to realize what a miserable, bitter person I had become. I never want to go back there. MG and I are still friends today this day, but we see each other only every couple of months or so. He’s since moved on to wife number 2 (after #1 killed herself) and he still continues to act the fool as before. I’m currently happily attached, but when I’m not and I think about spending more time with him I try to remember the hell I used to go through. And also to consider that even IF we were to be together, that he would most likely be having a side-relationship with someone else. Gee, good times. I don’t really miss that at all. It is DAMN HARD to leave that situation but is completely worth the effort to get on with your life and into a healthy relationship that stands a chance of actually working in the here and now.
Purplkid_Caterer, aww, I’m sorry to hear that. I’m sure those three years of wanting him were utter hell. You think of all kinds of scenarios about getting him away from the one he’s with, but it just never pans out. Ever. It’s like the person is leading you on, but not at the same time, because you KNEW they were married from day one and all they have to do is say that and they got ya.
I just want to say, where’s the personal responsibility for your actions in this thread about hopelessly dating married people? It’s not about how bad you feel, or about how bad her or his marriage is, or how badly she treats her boyfriend when he tries to leave her - it’s completely, 100% about taking responsibility for the consequences of your own choices. I realize personal responsibility is a very unpopular thing to advocate these days, but there it is - bottom line, you make bad decisions that hurt you, it’s your own damned fault. That might be a hard pill to swallow, but there’s also a positive side to taking responsibility - you also get the power back for your life.
And then in three years you’d be the guy sleeping in the basement while she’s forging an emotional connection to a friend of yours, telling him that you don’t Understand her and, look!, the two of you don’t even share a bedroom anymore.
People who do this shit don’t magically change their spots. I’m always amazed when people marry a cheater (emotional or otherwise) and then are completely surprised when that person eventually cheats on them. Every time I hear about a married person divorcing their spouse to marry the person they’ve been cheating with, I think: congratulations, you deserve each other.
As to the OP: To me, two of the components of love are (1) respect and (2) wanting what’s best for the person you love. This woman does not respect your wishes when you ask her to leave you alone, and she is putting you in a situation that is not healthy for you, and has no chance of ever being healthy for you. She’s using you and you should cut her loose.