If you were her, what would you do?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’ll try not to yammer on and on, but basically a 40-ish female is living with her older boyfriend in a nice house in the suburbs, for the last couple of years. They are having problems.

He is an alcoholic, has extremely messed up grown kids, and though he is retired, gets a pension and his house is paid off, he is in debt to the IRS. And his kids always come first, when they need money, he comes running to the rescue. He always scrapes up money from somewhere. He is the nicest guy in the world, but my friend is fed up with his family problems, money problems, and drinking. If he dies from drinking (or of course any other reason), she will be homeless.

She is in her mid-40’s, has only a part-time job in a shop, owns a 10 year old minivan that is starting to need costly repairs. She kicks in for groceries for the two of them, for evenings out once a week, and of course trips to the rez for a carton of cigarettes. She gets a little public assistance, some food stamps, some medical coverage, and has been on the list for Section 8 for years, for subsidized housing.

So she has risen to the top of the list and is now eligible for a low cost apartment. She has some furniture and with her part-time job could move in and just barely squeeze by (getting another job or getting a better paying job would be a must, though I know college graduates who are fighting for a chance to sell tires at Sears).

She is torn. She says she loves him, but can’t cope with his drinking and family problems. But if she moves out, she will lose what little security she has now. At least now if her car isn’t running he will drive her to work. If she moves out and her car dies, she will be screwed and won’t be able to get to work, and doesn’t think he would be interested in driving her around. If she leaves, it would damage their relationship, both of them feel - they would drift apart.

She says, stay with him? Keep her mouth shut about his family? Put up with his boozing? She wants to take some courses and better herself, but doesn’t know what to pursue in higher education. OR Take the subsidized apartment, move out, keep her fingers crossed that the car doesn’t totally die? (She is very very bad at being alone, she has lived alone in the past and was very bad at it.) I don’t know what to tell her.

2

My first instinct is that she should move out. She’s caught in a messy situation and will only grow to hate it more, since there’s no indication that he will change.

What other support does she have locally? Family, friends? Is there any public transportation near any of the public housing she has a chance at?

3

A few friends, not much family to speak of, and none of them dependable except maybe in an extreme emergency. The bus lines have cut back routes drastically in the last few years. Everything seems stacked against her!

4

Why does she only have a part time job? I’m not convinced this lady has her priorities straight. For however long she’s been living with this guy, she’s definitely had the means to find full time work. Why hasn’t she done so?

Is she gaming the system so she can get welfare assistance? ( Not having full time work and living in a house in the suburbs, gives me that impression)
I apologize if I’m coming off as abrasive, but I’ve seen too many people in my own orbit that claim “Hard Luck” when it’s really just a matter of them not being motivated or not having their priorities straight.

I would suggest that she stay with the guy until she gets full time employment and a dependable car. Unless the BF is being abusive, there’s no need for urgency. And a low rent apartment wont mean shit if she loses her job.

5

I don’t want to be harsh either but I agree with Shakes. Why can’t a 40-year-old woman have a full-time job? Why does she need to depend on a crummy partner to take care of her? One doesn’t need an education to get a full-time job.

If she can’t live alone she needs a roommate, not this guy. Or a dog. (But not really a dog because dogs cost money)

6

He is not much in the way of security for her. When he dies, what will she have? Better to get an apartment now and learn to stand on her own feet now. I’ve learned the only person who will really put my interests and concerns first is me.

If this apartment is being offered on Section 8, she should take it. They will annually assess her income for housing needs and adjust the rent she pays based on that. However, if she turns that down and then finds herself homeless, she won’t be able to afford full rent and she will have to go to the bottom of the waiting list for Section 8 housing again. The wait can be a very long one depending on where she lives. There’s a lot more people who qualify for Section 8 than there is housing available.

7

I think it depend on what it means that she is very very bad at being alone. If she was normal about being alone, I’d say she should move out. How bad is bad?

8

In one respect, she is very lucky – she does not have any minor children still living at home dependent on her for support. That places her in a position where she can take control of her own life, without worrying about how it affects anybody else.

9

Is she disabled? I don’t get why she is unable to care for herself. Sell the mini-van, get a more reliable small car, and get another job. Easier said than done, of course, but why is she any less likely to succeed at this than anyone else?

10

She can accept the apartment without breaking up with him. She will then have the chance to go away when he’s on a bender, or to walk out when he’s out of control. There is nothing to say she can’t still stay with him a couple of nights per week, and he can visit her once or twice as well. (I think the rule is no more than three nights for most special housing options.)

She can also talk to the people at the Social Services office about getting some counseling, which she desperately needs, and/or go to Alanon meetings (really, do both.)

11

She is relatively young with a lot of options, potentially. Why is she willing to be so dependent on someone who hasn’t invested anything real in her? She won’t even benefit if he dies? Seems to me her notion of him providing “security” for her is not based in any sort of reality.

Unless she has some sort of disability, or is a felon, with a little effort she can get a full time job. Why hasn’t she? Assuming she is relatively mentally and physically healthy, it is rather pathetic that a grown woman cannot figure out how to be financially independent, even if poor. She has figured out how to get free medical, free food, public assistance, low cost housing, and a man to provide her “security,” apparently. But she cannot figure out how to get a full time job? Really? She has no pride at all? I call lazy and addicted to entitlements.

BTW nurse’s aides/CNAs may not be very highly paid but that is a HOT job market with benefits and opportunities for advancement. Depending on your state and her eligibility, training and certification could be free. If she is already getting taxpayer assistance to subsidize her fairly cushy lifestyle (cartons of cigarettes, a vehicle, free food, an evening out per week), she is almost surely eligible for free or low cost vocational training.

If that is not a good fit, even in a crap economy, a persistent person can find a full time job even if it is not a dream job.

It sounds as if she is not good at being self sufficient or taking initiative, though. I have known people like this, and sort of like overcoming addiction, they have to find motivation within. You probably cannot do it for her, if she hasn’t figured it out by her mid 40s. Most likely she will end up staying with the nice, but unstable boyfriend until circumstances force her hand. I have seen this happen more than once.

12

If I were her, I’d quit smoking.

13

Clearly you’ve met my Mother! LOL!

I agree that staying with him does not provide any security at all. I’m sure his kids can’t wait to kick her to the curb.

Its also a fairly good bet that she hasn’t gotten a full-time job because he needs her attention. She needs to commit to her own well-being. She probably won’t though. My Mom once used the excuse that her dog couldn’t be left alone all day. :dubious:

14

thank you so much. I feel bad for her, wish she would or could get a decent JOB.

15

She can get a decent job.

Long haul trucking is DYING for workers. You can get a license to drive in six weeks. You won’t make great money, but after two years drivers average over $40k a year - and average drivers don’t drive as much as they could, you are stuck with regulations, and you HAVE TO PASS YOUR DRUG TEST. It kind of sucks as a job - long hours, away from home, noisy bouncy truck. But if you can drive a ton, and have someone to crash on a couch with - you can live out of your truck until you are on your feet.

Bad job for single moms - but you didn’t say she had kids.

Seriously, huge shortage of truck drivers. Six weeks - $6k at a community college for training - and she can get aid from a trucking firm to do it.

16

QFT.
As long as she has a decent driving record and no DUIs, it could be a real option, although if she is “bad at living alone” whatever that means, it might not be her thing.

Some of the major trucking firms do their own training and there is no up front charge; you simply have to agree to work for them for a period of time - six to 12 months typically for a slightly lower per mileage rate. Union trucking jobs pay very well.