I need to leave my husband. Any suggestions on how ?

In My Humble Opinion
1

For a long time, things between us have been bad and over the past month it’s gotton worse. Recentley, I’ve been told that I am stupid, a bitch, and an asshole. I’ve also been told that I have problems getting along with people, which, he claims, is why I don’t have many friends and I have never had his loyality.

Financially, we are in very bad shape and that is my fault, according to him. He has a low paying job, that requires him to work 80+ hours a week with nearly no benifits. He will not have anything to do with the family finances and I have been telling him that we are not making it. I asked him to consider looking for a better job, but he refuses. Over the past month, he blamed me for our inability to buy new snow tires for the car and it is my fault that he cannot buy lunch everyday, he must pack it.

For me, that last straw was last night. I do not like to give blow jobs, that’s not new, I never have and have only given a handful of them since we’ve been married, thirteen years. He told me that he needs to get blow jobs, at least twice a week, to “justify” being married to me and to make him feel better for asking him to look for a better job.

That’s enough. I have to leave. But, I don’t know how.

I have no money. As I said we’ve been in rough shape financially for a long time. Last night, my husband took the checkbook, my credit cards and my ATM card saying it was because I do not know how to manage money. That’s true, I don’t know how to manage something that is not there.

I don’t have any transportation. My car stopped running in the beginning of December and there are no busses that run close enough to my house for me to get there.

I have no family. My husband is very charming around other people and my father believes that the sun rises and set in him. In the past I did try to talk to my dad about the things that husband says and does and my dad told me that he’s a hard working man and I needed to be more supportive to my husband.

I do have a few good friends. However that live out of state and they both said that they wished they could give my money to get out, but with the holidays, they just don’t have anything to give.

I also have two kids. They are both aware that I’m having problems with my husband. They hear the fighting. Before I can go anywhere, I need a way to support them. Without a car, I don’t think I can find a job.

Does anyone have any suggestions about how I can leave and still care for my kids ?

2

You’re being abused. :frowning: “Run away! Run away!!”

Since the isn’t the Pit, I won’t say what I think about your husband.

Find a battered women’s shelter in your community and talk to them. Help is available.

Good luck …

3

Any Dopers near where you live? Or a women’s shelter?

I’m glad you’ve decided to leave him. I’m afraid I can’t offer financial assistance, but I’ll be praying for you and your kids. May God bless and strengthen you.

4

Oh, thank goodness. I’ve read some of your other threads on the subject of your husband, and I think about you every now and then and wonder if you’ve managed to escape. In Googling “resources for abused women” I came across this link:

http://www.safe4all.org/resource-list/index?category=2

You may be able to find something for your area.

5

I’ve read your other threads too, and I think you’ve made the right decision. Stay strong and keep us posted please.

6

Please, just be safe. Get to a safe4all.org aid if you can, but if you MUST wait a week or two…do what I ended up doing. I’d go shopping for groceries and “pocket” the odd $20 here and there; granted, I was in no physical danger (for the most part), but I was also in a dire financial state and that was the only way I could really do anything without doing the obvious “get a job at McDonald’s for a month” thing.

Thinking of you.

7

You have a lot of hard decisions to make and you simply cannot make an informed decision until you know your options. You need to consult an attorney. It’s not as easy as just packing up your stuff and leaving, especially with children. You may not have money for a retainer now but once you get your share of the shared assets (house, any pension) you’ll be able to pay him. Or the courts will make your ex-husband pony up. You’re going to have to figure out some way of getting to your lawyer’s office, even if it means taking your husband’s car one morning when he’s off work. Or call your friends and ask for a ride. Most people who won’t give money will certainly agree to give you a lift somewhere.

Dragongirl, I know you and your husband haven’t been happy for months. You’re in a rut and no one but you is going to get you out of the rut. If you are serious about leaving, you have to be willing to do what you haven’t been willing to do before and that is to take action. Quit putting up roadblocks as to why you cannot (get a job, leave your husband) and start focusing on DOING something positive for yourself.

8

/me asks himself "Where do they find these guys?

Is a taxi to a nearby woman’s shelter an option? Or maybe the out-of-state friends can come over on a weekend (or whenever Prince Alarming is away) to help you & the kids clear out?

From your description it sounds like your family (or at least Dad) isn’t going to be of help, so that’s probably out, unless he’s the execption.

How old are the children? If they’re in school the administration and/or guidance counselors may have seen this situation before (as you know, if affects the children terribly) and they could put you in touch with advocates in this matter.

Are you currently working? Your employer may have an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) than can get you in touch with someone as well.

I have no knowledge of AFDC, WIC, etc. but someone of the above should be able to help you apply for assistance, that’s what it’s there for.

I’m sure more good ideas will be forthcoming. Take care.

9

Where is it that you live?

Someone may know of someone else that is in need of a roommate. Just give the general area, none too specific.
Also, the age of your children would be helpful. Are they his kids?
What is exactly wrong with the car? Lots of us are quite handy with auto repairs.

Sorry to hear about your situation. This is really a sucky time of the year to be in your position too. Right after the holidays and in the middle of winter no less.
I hope you stick to your guns and go ahead with the split.

Have you guys been to counseling? Not that it would help at this stage, but just curious.

10

You are doing the right thing. And as someone that comes from a similar background, you are doing the right thing for your kids. The day my Dad was out of the picture was one of the best days of my life.

I really really encourage you to go to a woman’s shelter. They have experts that can help you with the legal issues with the kids. They will be able to protect you and keep all of you safe. They will know about what social services you qualify for which may take care of a lot of your needs until you get on your feet. They may even be able to set you up with job interviews, business clothes and trasportation for a while. If you can, call them beforehand and ask them if they can provide some transportation. If not, hitch a ride. Really, you will be in less danger in a stranger’s car than in your home right now.

It won’t be easy, but you can do this. Thousands of women have gone through this, you are not alone. You can get out, you can support your children, and you can give them and yourself a better life. My mom did it, and we lost almost everything we owned. But my life has had a thousand more oppertunities because of it. The people at these women’s shelters are there just for you. They know how to do all the things you don’t. All you have to do is get there.

11

I have no specific advice, except to listen to those who have offered some. THey know whereof they speak. I just wanted to pop in to say GOOD ON YOU. When there;s a will, there’s a way. You’ve put up with him for far too long.

12

I don’t have a job. When we got married and had the kids I wanted to be a SAHM and he said he supported it, but not now. I have been looking for a job for a few months, but nothing has panned out. It seems pretty difficult to find a job with the hours I would be able to work.

I love in northeast Pennsylvania. The kids are 12 and 10. They are his kids.

The car has a cracked head. My husband borrowed money to have it fixed, but it seems that there is something else wrong with it because it still doesn’t run. The last I heard, it needed an intake manifold ? A friend of mine who works in auto parts says it will cost about $150.00. I don’t have it.

A while back we went to counciling, but it didn’t last long. Things seemed better for a while, then it went bad again. He said he will not go back and he didn’t take it seriousley anyway, he just told the councilor what he thought they wanted to hear.

13

Is thaere any chance of asking him to leave?

14

Good for you, hon.

Now. Start making phone calls to every battered women’s shelter within your area. Find out:
a. if you can bring your kids there
b. how long you can stay
c. if they can arrange transportation
d. if they offer legal services, and what type (ask specifically if they offer a Justice Grant to help women pay for their divorces.)
e. if they offer transition services of any sort (transitional housing, etc)

If they have legal, talk to someone there about getting papers filed, restraining order if needed, that sort of thing. They should be able to walk you right through it.

If you don’t have luck with the shelter, start calling other social service organizations…churches, missions, Salvation Army, ANYone who might be able to help you, or help you network to the right folks. You CAN get out of there, money or no, car or no.

If nothing else, pack up some stuff, hop a Greyhound, and come here to Bloomington. We have a very good shelter for women. There are no limits on how long you can stay, your kids can stay, and there is a transitional facility where you can stay for two years with an income-related rent.

If you can’t just hop a Greyhound due to money, email me. We’ll set something up.

No one has to live this way. Get the hell out while you can.

And check out that Dept of Justice grant. I got one, and it paid for my entire divorce.

Email me if you want, if you can. I’ll be thinking of you.

Love
karol

15

One more resource to check out:
http://www.211.org/about.html

Enter your Zip code, and it will give you resources that are nearest you.

I’m quite concerned about the money situation, especially with your husband having taken away your immediate access to it. Whose name is on the accounts? Yours? His? Both? For those accounts that are solely yours or joint, it’s time to call the bank, explain the situation, and get replacement cards & checkbooks. If you do not have your own bank account, open one and transfer whatever funds you can to it, even if it’s only $5 to have the account open.

Please consider opening a PayPall account. I’d be happy to give you a little bit of seed money to get out. I’ve followed your other threads about your husband, and you’re doing (or figuring out how to do) the right thing. Stay strong.

16

Its about time! Congrats. I don’t have any suggestions, but I know Karol has been there, so I’d read her post carefully.

17

My best friend works for the shelter in Bloomington that Karol is talking about. I just called her. She gave me some information.

The national emergency domestic abuse hotline is 800-799-7233, and they will connect you to a local shelter at no charge, so you don’t even have to be charged for the long distance. She said that the people in Bloomington don’t usually get people from out of state, but if you are planning to go to Bloomington, I have the number written down right here. You will have to email me for it. It’s in the profile.

She said, as far as transportation goes, if you decide to go to Bloomington you need to talk to a case manager and set something up. I think that also holds true in Pennsylvania.

Help is in reach, honey. Just pick up the phone. Leaving is the hardest step, things will work out after that.

18

You’re still welcome to post in WDMRW the yahoo group if you’d like more privacy. At any rate, in the meantime. Good for you. No one should have to put up with what you have been putting up with from him. I’ve been following your story for some time. I’m so glad you’ve decided to stand up for yourself here.

They’re his kids? As in you and he don’t have any? So they’re not your responsibility? I’m going to 5th and 6th what everone else has said. Get yourself to a woman’s shelter. If you have to go to a neighbor’s house and beg a ride.

This man is abusing you. It’s not physical, but emotional, verbal and psychological abuse can have even worse consequences on a person than physical. Nothing is worth staying in this relationship, not your things, nothing. Take what you can, and get out, even if you have to rent a storage unit.

If you’re at least safe from being phsyically hurt by him, you may be able to take a few weeks or months and plan. Can you set aside some money somewhere? Somehow sneak off and get your own account?

Do what others have suggested and call the credit card/atm people and tell them the cards were lost or stolen? Or at least get your name taken off of those things? Good grief, I wish I could think of more stuff, but I’m so mad at him, I can’t think of anything more.

DO follow through on this PLEASE. As one who has been there, TRUST Me, you’ll be SO much happier. I know that I whine about being single, but honestly, tis MUCH better to be alone, than to WISH you were.

Please keep us posted, and remember you’re still welcome at the group should you wish to do some more private griping.

Or Yahoo IM me, I’m usually on, but usually invis. Take care I too wish I could help financially, but I can at least virtually hold your hand should you need it. And as it’s earlier here than it is in your neck of the woods, I might be available online when it’s late night for you.

Hang in there…

19

Canvas, I believe the children are the result of their marriage. They are both the biological parents.

Dragongirl, he’ll have to pay you child support, honey.

20

Another question about the kids - whose exactly are they? Are they yours and his, dragongirl, or simply his from a previous relationship? That might change things, perhaps.

Send me an e-mail - addy’s in the profile. Include an address or Paypal account - I’d be happy to send a check or money order your way so that you can get out. Be strong. You can make it.

Really - send me an address or the account number.